The stigma of incontinence.

[sport1]

I don't have trouble with stigma because my wife never makes fun of me.

 

[Edgewater]

I went from continent to incontinent as a result of a high-speed, car crash. That first week home when my dear wife and I walked out our front door fully cloth diapered with plastic pants. One the next week, we worked on changing, which combination of cloth diapers would work and which would not. I was back to work soon after. Point is: Have a car crash, hospital and loss of continence and near everyone knew!

How each of us come to the reality of incontinence likely has much to do with when it started for us, then how we live and accept it. That said, when it goes wrong, it commonly sucks big time. Yes, I have had like experiences and each time, it results in some kind of change to my diaper bag and/or what I am wearing.

Reality, pull-ups are only for dribbles!

Greatlakes, you're a kinder man than I am!

 

[sledder23]

I’m aware that the stigma is alive and well. I do my best to not outperform my protection, but it happens periodically. I’ve had the tell tale half moon leak that make it beyond diaper and cover, and had the looks of others while trying to “blend in to the wood work”. I got chuckled at in the checkout line more than once with depend diapers in hand.

People can be cruel, but I’ve always thought those who wound ridicule someone over something that can’t be controlled like a medical condition; is probably suffering from their own insecurities or problems in life. We all have our struggles. For me, it’s bladder problems. For another it might be depression, anxiety, heart conditions, and the list goes on.

I do my best to make the most of life and not let my condition slow me down. Way too much life to live to spend it worried about what another thinks. Maybe it’s from being asked by friends in high school why I had a plastic mattress protector, or trips down the incontinence isle before online ordering took off, but it doesn’t bother me anymore.

I do take great lengths to keep from being noticed by public and I’m as discreet as possible. I’ve got a great family, job, and life. More so, I wouldn’t want to cause them any embarrassment.

I hope for each here that past hurt from stigma can be replaced with a life well lived. Appreciate the topic and those who have shared on this subject.

 

[Wetshisbed]

I think as you get older it is easier. When I was in my teens and still wetting the bed most nights and sleeping in nappies. I was always treat differently and had little respect from my family. Now back in nappies no one seems bothered by it.

 

[slimjiminy]

I do take great lengths to keep from being noticed by public and I’m as discreet as possible. I’ve got a great family, job, and life. More so, I wouldn’t want to cause them any embarrassment.

One thing that I do find helpful these days is the "self checkout" available in a lot of large stores like Walmart. While I prefer to have a human checkout most of the time, I do find that self checkout works great at drug stores and Walmart when I need to repurchase IC supplies.

Ya, people can still watch you checkout your bag of TENA Supers. But most are too busy to care. The only other person paying attention is the checkout supervisor who is only concerned whether you are trying to steal something or not. I always bring a large enough bag that I can conceal the bag on the way out.

 

[sledder23]

One thing that I do find helpful these days is the "self checkout" available in a lot of large stores like Walmart. While I prefer to have a human checkout most of the time, I do find that self checkout works great at drug stores and Walmart when I need to repurchase IC supplies.

Ya, people can still watch you checkout your bag of TENA Supers. But most are too busy to care. The only other person paying attention is the checkout supervisor who is only concerned whether you are trying to steal something or not. I always bring a large enough bag that I can conceal the bag on the way out.

Agreed. The last time I used a big box store checkout, I was buying green plastic backed depends in the mid-90’s.

Definitely don’t miss the pre online/self checkout days. I love the much more private and discreet nature of ordering supplies these days.

 

[Deleted member 39574]

No matter how “accepted” and or how much knowledge people will have about incontinence will not change the perception of some people. Even with all the doctors and urologists I’ve seen the vast majority of them believe “protection” (because they HATE the word diaper for one reason or another) isn’t even an option and will instead recommend ANYTHING and EVERYTHING ELSE. I’ve tried it all, the medication, the techniques and the programs and nothing works in my case. But you know what works? Diapers work because it gives me the freedom to live my most normal life and not feel guilty or or completely embarrassed/ashamed for something I can not control.
Even the stigma surrounding the use of the word diaper or protection or brief and so on, I say call it what ever you feel comfortable with but for me it is what it is and I’ve told people in my life that I call it that because it’s a way of taking that stigma out of the word. And every little bit helps

I think a lot of doctors dont know how to talk to adult patients about it. My main specialist whose about half my age raises the issue of what he calls my "bladder control issue" with me. I guess he figures I might be offended if he used terms like bedwetting or pants wetting.

 

[Wetshisbed]

I think a lot of doctors dont know how to talk to adult patients about it. My main specialist whose about half my age raises the issue of what he calls my "bladder control issue" with me. I guess he figures I might be offended if he used terms like bedwetting or pants wetting.

I find nurses are more straight to the point.

 

[bedwett]

The stigma is real, although here and there a few steps are made. Personally I think it comes down that 'society' considers that regular adults should not be dealing with incontinence and wearing diapers is just something for the elderly, the handicapped or (and sorry to say) the fetishist. Incontinence is being ridiculed as something non existing for (young) adults, even in a hospital setting at times.

It is a shame as the prevalence and the sales figures of incontinence supplies do say otherwise, but I believe it will change gradually over the coming years. Companies like Tena or Depend are making strides in their marketing campaigns and every year you see someone (celebrity or what not) popping up in the news with incontinence issues. And although I am also chickening out of a proper conversation, even among friends sometimes lightheartedly is mentioned about a weak bladder.

With the aging of society in the coming decades and a more aggressive marketing strategies and the rise of social media it will become more normalized over the coming years in my opinion, but in the age were everyone strives for the perfect image it will remain a sensitive topic for sure.

 

[incontinente]

Certainly, there are three distinct scenarios: being born and growing up incontinent, developing incontinence in old age, or becoming incontinent suddenly after an accident. My incontinence wasn't gradual, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself for losing control, because, as I always had an overactive bladder (OB), I wore diapers for convenience in various situations before I was really incontinent. I was depressed for almost two years.

At the end of 2022, the first research on the impacts of Covid on the urinary tract began to emerge. People who were infected with the coronavirus could develop OB, and those who already had OB saw a severe worsening of the condition. After testing all possible medications and even botox, my urologist got access to this research and arrived at a diagnosis: overactive bladder due to neuromuscular deficiency of the detrusor muscle. Only with the diagnosis was I able to free myself from my guilt. Little by little, I began to see incontinence from another perspective, and slowly, I began to like wearing diapers again.

It's very different to use diapers only when it suits you. Only those in the shoes of the incontinent understand that some situations are not at all pleasant, such as: leaking for the first time with family, no longer feeling comfortable if someone is nearby when changing clothes, getting stuck in traffic and the diaper no longer having the capacity to absorb, among others.

But thankfully, there is this online refuge that, regardless of how incontinence occurred for each of us, allows us to share our stories and vent. We know that on the other side, there will be someone who really understands what it's like to go through this. Being understood at the core makes all the difference. Your stories have helped me accept my incontinence more than two years of therapy (although while I felt guilty, I would never have succeeded in any therapy).

My motto now is CARPE DIEM. I hit rock bottom because of the stigma and feeling ashamed of being incontinent and wearing diapers. Guilt sank me into an endless spiral. When I no longer felt guilty and began to understand my incontinence, I saw that it would be best, from that moment on, not to hide my incontinence from anyone. With me, it was the same: I only received positive support from everyone I told, and only then did the constant worry about the diaper showing through clothing or leaking, and the fear and embarrassment of being discovered, go away.

But hey, it's not like I don't worry about my incontinence. Between you and me, being incontinent isn't easy: there's the cost of diapers, rashes, having to always carry extra diapers, needing to find suitable places to change when out and about, the emotional toll it can take when dealing with unexpected leaks, the inconvenience of having to plan your day around bathroom breaks, always needing to check for supplies when traveling, and the potential social embarrassment if others find out, among others. The fact is, once you accept yourself, everything becomes lighter. The difficulties I listed don't compare to the self-imposed psychological pressure and the harm that negative thoughts do to our physical and mental health. The worst stigma is what's ingrained in us by society. Only after accepting ourselves can we free our minds. We who have lived and overcome the societal stigma now can show others how harmful and destructive it is.

I also agree that all problems boil down to stigma indeed. If, for some reason, we didn't need to wear diapers, there wouldn't be this "diaper stigma." The "diaper stigma" is truly very destructive!

Fighting stigma is a duty for all of us. I'm very happy to have accepted myself and to be here with you against the diaper stigma.

 

[SebUK97]

Certainly, there are three distinct scenarios: being born and growing up incontinent, developing incontinence in old age, or becoming incontinent suddenly after an accident. My incontinence wasn't gradual, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself for losing control, because, as I always had an overactive bladder (OB), I wore diapers for convenience in various situations before I was really incontinent. I was depressed for almost two years.

At the end of 2022, the first research on the impacts of Covid on the urinary tract began to emerge. People who were infected with the coronavirus could develop OB, and those who already had OB saw a severe worsening of the condition. After testing all possible medications and even botox, my urologist got access to this research and arrived at a diagnosis: overactive bladder due to neuromuscular deficiency of the detrusor muscle. Only with the diagnosis was I able to free myself from my guilt. Little by little, I began to see incontinence from another perspective, and slowly, I began to like wearing diapers again.

It's very different to use diapers only when it suits you. Only those in the shoes of the incontinent understand that some situations are not at all pleasant, such as: leaking for the first time with family, no longer feeling comfortable if someone is nearby when changing clothes, getting stuck in traffic and the diaper no longer having the capacity to absorb, among others.

But thankfully, there is this online refuge that, regardless of how incontinence occurred for each of us, allows us to share our stories and vent. We know that on the other side, there will be someone who really understands what it's like to go through this. Being understood at the core makes all the difference. Your stories have helped me accept my incontinence more than two years of therapy (although while I felt guilty, I would never have succeeded in any therapy).

My motto now is CARPE DIEM. I hit rock bottom because of the stigma and feeling ashamed of being incontinent and wearing diapers. Guilt sank me into an endless spiral. When I no longer felt guilty and began to understand my incontinence, I saw that it would be best, from that moment on, not to hide my incontinence from anyone. With me, it was the same: I only received positive support from everyone I told, and only then did the constant worry about the diaper showing through clothing or leaking, and the fear and embarrassment of being discovered, go away.

But hey, it's not like I don't worry about my incontinence. Between you and me, being incontinent isn't easy: there's the cost of diapers, rashes, having to always carry extra diapers, needing to find suitable places to change when out and about, the emotional toll it can take when dealing with unexpected leaks, the inconvenience of having to plan your day around bathroom breaks, always needing to check for supplies when traveling, and the potential social embarrassment if others find out, among others. The fact is, once you accept yourself, everything becomes lighter. The difficulties I listed don't compare to the self-imposed psychological pressure and the harm that negative thoughts do to our physical and mental health. The worst stigma is what's ingrained in us by society. Only after accepting ourselves can we free our minds. We who have lived and overcome the societal stigma now can show others how harmful and destructive it is.

I also agree that all problems boil down to stigma indeed. If, for some reason, we didn't need to wear diapers, there wouldn't be this "diaper stigma." The "diaper stigma" is truly very destructive!

Fighting stigma is a duty for all of us. I'm very happy to have accepted myself and to be here with you against the diaper stigma.

Inspirational read. Congratulations on overcoming the guilt factor, and feeling better for it. Stigma is very real, and its impact is deeply hurtful, and indeed truly very destructive.

No one should be subjected to stigma, especially as a result of incontinence resulting in a medical need to wear diapers. It's absolutely the case that we are socially conditioned to think a certain way.

Only when you except yourself, and dismiss negative thoughts, moreover those of others can you feel more comfortable about incontinence.

While it is the case that stigma is all too present, it is constantly being challenged, more so than ever before!

being respectful of everyone, is equally important though too.

I'm very happy for you that you have overcome the self imposed psychological pressure that living with incontinence afflicted upon you.

Seize the day!

 

[daylight]

I just do my best to conceal my IC and certainly diapers and fly under the radar, so to speak. On the other hand, my husband and I own a business and I deal with many customers daily, as well as manage associates. I find myself acting as a fearless lioness as the situation requires. My alter ego I guess. The remainder of the time I’m quite self conscious, reserved, and even timid I’m told.

Having to be public facing [front of the office so to speak] and dealing with incontinence is draining for me. As an introvert, I believe it is more demanding of oneself. Seems, I am not alone in this, as others have recounted. Some days I am emotionally and physically drained and retreat to a quiet space, a book, mindfulness, or a walk.

It's tough wearing your superhero outfit [over diapers] all day long!

It is amazing how my wife and I so cherish our quiet time. Friends/Family wonder why we do this and that on your free time. It's not the same as professional development time outside of work or overtime. Owning your own business is hard work and it doesn't leave you nor you it. It's like being incontinent, you are dealing with issues 24/7.

 

[SebUK97]

Having to be public facing [front of the office so to speak] and dealing with incontinence is draining for me. As an introvert, I believe it is more demanding of oneself. Seems, I am not alone in this, as others have recounted. Some days I am emotionally and physically drained and retreat to a quiet space, a book, mindfulness, or a walk.

It's tough wearing your superhero outfit [over diapers] all day long!

It is amazing how my wife and I so cherish our quiet time. Friends/Family wonder why we do this and that on your free time. It's not the same as professional development time outside of work or overtime. Owning your own business is hard work and it doesn't leave you nor you it. It's like being incontinent, you are dealing with issues 24/7.

 

[sledder23]

Certainly, there are three distinct scenarios: being born and growing up incontinent, developing incontinence in old age, or becoming incontinent suddenly after an accident. My incontinence wasn't gradual, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself for losing control, because, as I always had an overactive bladder (OB), I wore diapers for convenience in various situations before I was really incontinent. I was depressed for almost two years.

At the end of 2022, the first research on the impacts of Covid on the urinary tract began to emerge. People who were infected with the coronavirus could develop OB, and those who already had OB saw a severe worsening of the condition. After testing all possible medications and even botox, my urologist got access to this research and arrived at a diagnosis: overactive bladder due to neuromuscular deficiency of the detrusor muscle. Only with the diagnosis was I able to free myself from my guilt. Little by little, I began to see incontinence from another perspective, and slowly, I began to like wearing diapers again.

It's very different to use diapers only when it suits you. Only those in the shoes of the incontinent understand that some situations are not at all pleasant, such as: leaking for the first time with family, no longer feeling comfortable if someone is nearby when changing clothes, getting stuck in traffic and the diaper no longer having the capacity to absorb, among others.

But thankfully, there is this online refuge that, regardless of how incontinence occurred for each of us, allows us to share our stories and vent. We know that on the other side, there will be someone who really understands what it's like to go through this. Being understood at the core makes all the difference. Your stories have helped me accept my incontinence more than two years of therapy (although while I felt guilty, I would never have succeeded in any therapy).

My motto now is CARPE DIEM. I hit rock bottom because of the stigma and feeling ashamed of being incontinent and wearing diapers. Guilt sank me into an endless spiral. When I no longer felt guilty and began to understand my incontinence, I saw that it would be best, from that moment on, not to hide my incontinence from anyone. With me, it was the same: I only received positive support from everyone I told, and only then did the constant worry about the diaper showing through clothing or leaking, and the fear and embarrassment of being discovered, go away.

But hey, it's not like I don't worry about my incontinence. Between you and me, being incontinent isn't easy: there's the cost of diapers, rashes, having to always carry extra diapers, needing to find suitable places to change when out and about, the emotional toll it can take when dealing with unexpected leaks, the inconvenience of having to plan your day around bathroom breaks, always needing to check for supplies when traveling, and the potential social embarrassment if others find out, among others. The fact is, once you accept yourself, everything becomes lighter. The difficulties I listed don't compare to the self-imposed psychological pressure and the harm that negative thoughts do to our physical and mental health. The worst stigma is what's ingrained in us by society. Only after accepting ourselves can we free our minds. We who have lived and overcome the societal stigma now can show others how harmful and destructive it is.

I also agree that all problems boil down to stigma indeed. If, for some reason, we didn't need to wear diapers, there wouldn't be this "diaper stigma." The "diaper stigma" is truly very destructive!

Fighting stigma is a duty for all of us. I'm very happy to have accepted myself and to be here with you against the diaper stigma.

Covid was the worsening of my symptoms as well. Turns out Covid has the tendency to cause diabetes and it took me about 3 years to realize I wasn’t just dealing with the aftermath of Covid (new urge incontinence), but that it had precipitated damage to my bladder and I was dealing with type 2 diabetes following a nasty bout with it in 2020.

Please make sure you get checked for other diseases that can be precipitated by Covid. I wish I had found out sooner. Maybe could have mitigated the level of damage before it got to this point.

 

[BabyHailey1977]

A couple of years ago I also got tired of the stigma and self imposed shame of urinary incontinence and wearing diapers. I shared on Facebook about having wearing diapers and the following:

When a theoretical physicist with ALS finds the will to live and embraces the technology to allow him to continue a stellar career, he is celebrated across the globe;

When a double-amputee track athlete wins an Olympic medal, the world looks on in awe.

When a blind man learns to play piano and sing, he becomes one of popular music's most enduring and beloved figures.

But when those of us with no/compromised bladder or bowel control find the right products to contain the situation, and also find the courage to wear them, we still live in the "incontinence closet", in fear that someone will "find out" that we have a medical problem. It is only we who can solve this inequity, not others. As so many here have said, few people in our lives would reject us because of this problem. The sooner we accept that for truth, the sooner we will be free of this long-held and deeply-damaging secret.

I have received nothing but positive support and the worry of leaking or being discovered is gone. I have gone back to enjoying the things I used to without worry I had concerning my incontinence.

Life to short to stress over what underwear we have one.

I completely agree!! How much if the stigma do you think is due to the IC person’s fear, or expectation of how people will react? I have not felt any negativity with those I have told. More and more people at work are finding out and not one person has reacted in a negative way.

 

[SebUK97]

I completely agree!! How much if the stigma do you think is due to the IC person’s fear, or expectation of how people will react? I have not felt any negativity with those I have told. More and more people at work are finding out and not one person has reacted in a negative way.

That really is wonderful, i'm sure that's very true. Sometimes our own fears are unwarranted, I think most rational people are respectful of other peoples medical conditions, or disabilities. That's not to say that stigma doesn't exist. it most definitely does, it's nice to know that all of your work colleagues who have found out, have reacted in a understanding and positive way. That's exactly as it should be, every time, for everyone.

 

[foxkits]

I’m a life long UIC and do my very best to conceal my incontinence and the diapers I wear to 1. Be comfortable and manage my IC and 2. Be socially accepted by all. My job requires me visiting customers at their office and work sites so I’m around people I know well and otherwise a lot. Because I’m prone to floods, I have to be prepared for the worst - always! Because I have very little control remaining, I need to plan very carefully for changes while on the road and literally every other situation. Yet, with all of the planning and preparation, I continue to have a leak, very occasionally.
I was at a Christmas party at my sister’s home a few years ago and wore a pull-up on Christmas Day with a house full of family and friends. I was sitting on a leather sectional in the living room, casually chatting with a large group sitting there, some aware of my IC and many not when I flooded. The pull-up was no match for the volume and in a sitting position, I quickly saturated my leggings and urine seeped between the cushions and onto the carpeted floor. The gasps were deafening and my embarrassment was beyond crippling. I was grabbed by the hand, like a child, and rushed to the bathroom by my mom to get cleaned up and changed while the sectional was separated and cleaned and floor cleaned. I spent most of the remainder of the day in the bedroom of a ‘mother-in-law apartment over the garage, sobbing much of the time, unable to face my family. Several tried to console me and to get me to join the party but I chose to stay away. Being hundreds of miles from home and staying with my sister, I couldn’t simply leave for home.
Society probably accepts the concept of a person wearing diapers as most assume health issues with incontinence for the most part, and a small minority might do their best to embarrass you but having a leak will probably always get most people’s attention. Some might respond with sympathy, some with disgust, the rest might try to ignore it and carry on, but either way, it’s extremely embarrassing. My family, the people I love and I guess love me were likely a cross section of typical responses. Now, every time I’m around family, I feel like they are always checking me out. The conversations seem to be cooler as they find it difficult to ignore the ‘elephant in the room’. I try to forget that Christmas but it’s history and there’s no deleting it.
I wear cloth diapers, and have most of my life, because they are the most comfortable to me, though I need to change more frequently than with disposables, but the main reason is that they have (nearly always) never leaked. That’s not to say that I don’t wear disposables too when cloth isn’t convenient, but I will say that I simply don’t trust pull-ups any longer.

I'm so sorry it happened your right pull ups under wear are leaks waiting to happen. My girlfriend deals with incontinence since she was little. Dealing IBS too.
One time we were at a store and stuff fell out on to side walk.
I do my best to take care of her.
Please don't feel bad about your self. I had lots of wetting problems as a kid.

 

[slimjiminy]

How much if the stigma do you think is due to the IC person’s fear, or expectation of how people will react? I have not felt any negativity with those I have told. More and more people at work are finding out and not one person has reacted in a negative way.

Keep in mind that not all people will share their true feelings. They (as adults) may be polite about it, especially since it is an awkward thing to discuss. But back at the bar/bbq or otherwise in private, they may say something less flattering. While the stigma might be reducing somewhat as the demographic ages, it is still there. If you need proof, ask some troublemaking young people about it in the subway (for example).

 

[BabyHailey1977]

That’s very true, but really, you have that with anything. Some people are just mean, I just choose not to let them bother me. My place of work has a lot of people working there. If they were talking about me behind my back, I would know. Outside of work, I guess I really don’t care what others think.

 

[daylight]

Some people are just mean, I just choose not to let them bother me.

More power to you! And that’s why surrounding yourself with supporting family, friends, and/or pets is so important. Mean words and actions can impact you directly or indirectly whether you realize it or not. Saying it doesn’t to boost inner strength is fine but, it doesn’t make the impact harmless. IMHO.