Struggling With Myself

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

Last night I almost did it. I almost wore a diaper to bed. I “chickened out.”
I should mention that I’ve had issues with major depressive disorder for most of my adult life and I definitely don’t wear it like a merit badge. I’m only mentioning it for context.
I have a hard time enjoying things. And I also have a hard time allowing myself the possibility of feeling good or okay - aside from drinking. I feel guilty about that.

My little side is suffering. I have this hunger to express this part of me, but besides talking to my teddy bear, that’s about as far as I can go. I think my medications are becoming less effective. It’s something I’m definitely going to tell my doctor about. Things randomly make me cry - songs, objects, ideas, etc.
I guess writing about it maybe makes me feel a little better.

LittleRedHoodie

 

[sinceiwassmall]

“Things randomly make me cry,” that honestly sounds to me like a beautiful healthy cathartic thing, some of the vulnerability able to come to the surface.

And as for letting yourself be little — specifically a little boy wearing diapers to bed at night — what about approaching it with curiosity? Doing it to see how it makes your little self feel, rather than to “need” or try to feel a certain way?

 

[DinoFrant]

I can relate to that feeling: you feel terrible because you don't know why you feel terrible but don't want to feel terrible so you end up feeling way more terrible. In my case it usually means that yet another adjustment to my medications is coming, so you should definitely bring this up during your next appointment. I've also found it very helpful to post here, so keep sharing your thoughts with us, especially if it makes you feel better.

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

“Things randomly make me cry,” that honestly sounds to me like a beautiful healthy cathartic thing, some of the vulnerability able to come to the surface.

And as for letting yourself be little — specifically a little boy wearing diapers to bed at night — what about approaching it with curiosity? Doing it to see how it makes your little self feel, rather than to “need” or try to feel a certain way?

Crying randomly isn’t cathartic for me, it’s lonely because I have to cry by myself. It does make me feel better sometimes when I’m feeling little and missing my mom or something.

I’m going to try to remind myself to look at diapers with “curiosity” like you suggested. I’ll try again next time I have a night where I can be in a diaper and not have to go to work the next day. Thank you for your comments.

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

I can relate to that feeling: you feel terrible because you don't know why you feel terrible but don't want to feel terrible so you end up feeling way more terrible. In my case it usually means that yet another adjustment to my medications is coming, so you should definitely bring this up during your next appointment. I've also found it very helpful to post here, so keep sharing your thoughts with us, especially if it makes you feel better.

Yes. That describes these cycles of depression pretty accurately. And yes, I’m definitely going to bring up medication stuff with my doctor next appointment. I think there might be some seasonal affective disorder mixed in there too. Michigan is SO dreary and grey and cold with seemingly endless winter. I gotta remember to use my SAD light.
Thank you so much for commenting and for understanding depression.

 

[Angelapinks]

Yes. That describes these cycles of depression pretty accurately. And yes, I’m definitely going to bring up medication stuff with my doctor next appointment. I think there might be some seasonal affective disorder mixed in there too. Michigan is SO dreary and grey and cold with seemingly endless winter. I gotta remember to use my SAD light.
Thank you so much for commenting and for understanding depression.

Michigan is across the lake from Ontario and yes it is dreary in the winter. Now that things are opening up a bit more here, the one thing I am going to do is go to our Garden center or a Public greenhouse as all the spring plants make me feel so much better and we also have a Butterfly Conservatory near Niagara Falls and going there always helps me to feel better. The wonderful tropical plants and flowers and beautiful butterfly's flying all over and landing on your shoulders is just amazing. You can't help but feel better at least while there and even for awhile afterwards.

 

[Tangela]

Hey LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie, nice you took the time to write. It took me many years to be comfortable wearing a diaper. I've “chickened out” countless times. And after I did wore it for the first time, I felt guilt, wrong, etc. An emotional roller coaster that took years to stabilize. And event today, it's not perfect. Why I'm saying this? It sounds a bit discouraging at first... but hear me out:

First: What you experienced is normal, and happened countless times with countless people. Your struggle is very real, and understandable. It's not a weakness, or something made up in your mind. Acknowledging that you have the "right" to feel the way you feel is important; and if some people don't want to understand and accept it, well, stick with the ones who do;

Second: As I've written many times here, this is not a race. You are not competing with anyone to be the "fastest diaper wearing self acceptance guy (speedrun any%)" . The important thing: keep trying, keep evolving, at your own pace. It's like exercising : there isn't a switch that you flip to become muscular. You have to do it bit by bit, day by day. And after you get there, you have to maintain it: an endless goal.

About mental health issues: here is a place you can be yourself. I, for example, proudly stick "ASD" to my profile, "whine" and discuss autism related difficulties, etc. Do you thing I'm this way in the real world? Not for a long shot. Like you said yourself, in my life I don’t wear it like a merit badge. But here... here is the place for spill it out. A forum like this has way above average users with mental challenges: mental health problems, autism, sexual orientation, gender identification... so relax, and don't hesitate to write.

Sounds like cliche? Yeah, whareaver, but It's also real, that what matters.

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

Michigan is across the lake from Ontario and yes it is dreary in the winter. Now that things are opening up a bit more here, the one thing I am going to do is go to our Garden center or a Public greenhouse as all the spring plants make me feel so much better and we also have a Butterfly Conservatory near Niagara Falls and going there always helps me to feel better. The wonderful tropical plants and flowers and beautiful butterfly's flying all over and landing on your shoulders is just amazing. You can't help but feel better at least while there and even for awhile afterwards.

I actually went to the public museum with family today. That helped a little. I secretly wanted to ride the carousel but it was closed anyway. I found out that my SECOND negative covid test came in too (my work didn’t accept the first one because it was a self-administered one) so at least I can go back to work. I’ve had all the vaccines.

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

Hey LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie, nice you took the time to write. It took me many years to be comfortable wearing a diaper. I've “chickened out” countless times. And after I did wore it for the first time, I felt guilt, wrong, etc. An emotional roller coaster that took years to stabilize. And event today, it's not perfect. Why I'm saying this? It sounds a bit discouraging at first... but hear me out:

First: What you experienced is normal, and happened countless times with countless people. Your struggle is very real, and understandable. It's not a weakness, or something made up in your mind. Acknowledging that you have the "right" to feel the way you feel is important; and if some people don't want to understand and accept it, well, stick with the ones who do;

Second: As I've written many times here, this is not a race. You are not competing with anyone to be the "fastest diaper wearing self acceptance guy (speedrun any%)" . The important thing: keep trying, keep evolving, at your own pace. It's like exercising : there isn't a switch that you flip to become muscular. You have to do it bit by bit, day by day. And after you get there, you have to maintain it: an endless goal.

About mental health issues: here is a place you can be yourself. I, for example, proudly stick "ASD" to my profile, "whine" and discuss autism related difficulties, etc. Do you thing I'm this way in the real world? Not for a long shot. Like you said yourself, in my life I don’t wear it like a merit badge. But here... here is the place for spill it out. A forum like this has way above average users with mental challenges: mental health problems, autism, sexual orientation, gender identification... so relax, and don't hesitate to write.

Sounds like cliche? Yeah, whareaver, but It's also real, that what matters.

I haven’t had AS much of a problem wearing diapers in the past. It’s been after this last 3 or so years not expressing my little self in that way or barely at all for that matter. I let myself be little before bed pretty much every night. I joined this site to try to find some sort of way back to letting my little side express himself more than just before bed. Maybe I’m extra cautious.

I appreciate your words of encouragement. Thank you so much for commenting.

 

[KarmaBaby3]

You also don’t HAVE to wear to bed to be little …. or do you really want to? Bedtime I have issues with because it affects my sleep if I try (no matter what everyone has awesome sleep and so much better…..). So bedtime is ”teen” time for me. Childish jammies yes, blanket and stuffie yup but no diapers and no pacifier.

nothing wrong with crying. I’m breaking down and crying before bed almost every night right now (or during day I melt down) but this is because I’m healing and having less depression than I have in many years. I’m starting to actually feel emotions more and allowing them to express instead of bottling up like before. But you know you, if you think you need med change then you probably do. Summer is coming! Get out the light and get in habit of using it! Try wearing diaper on weekend instead of at night (even if only for an hour).

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

Bedtime and evenings are the best time because of my living situation (literally rent from family, a suite above their garage.). Without getting to long winded : I’d like to wear to bed. It was always comforting in the past. I’d like to get to some point like when I had my “own place.” I’d get into my jammies or play clothes and a diaper and watch cartoons and stuff with little to no worry. It’s different now, and it’s hard to explain the family dynamic I have here. Part of me living here I have certain things I take care of (i.e. keeping the boiler going for heat and such.)

 

[Cmgaby]

Almost the same situation. I was working today on the family farm I stay on and bam breakdown with tears out of now where. You are not alone. I txt a girlfriend of mine and was telling her I didn't understand. You can have a job, vehicle, place to stay, and money in the bank and feel miserable! She stated "that sounds totally normal." and was not being sarcastic. So you arnt alone by any means. She and I arnt on any meds although we probably should be. I have sever depression in my medical redord. But wearing would be easier with your own place. No one could say a word then.

 

[BalloonsAndTeddies]

I just want to let you know that you deserve to be happy. You have worth, and have the right to do the things you want to do. I have problems with bottling all my emotions in a jar and I know it's something I need to work on. But after reading your post I just wanted you to know you are not alone and you are worthy of joy (insert me sending you a virtual balloon to hold here! ) God bless!

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

I just want to let you know that you deserve to be happy. You have worth, and have the right to do the things you want to do. I have problems with bottling all my emotions in a jar and I know it's something I need to work on. But after reading your post I just wanted you to know you are not alone and you are worthy of joy (insert me sending you a virtual balloon to hold here! ) God bless!

Thank you so much. I really love teddy bears too!

 

[dogboy]

There are nights I don't want to sleep diapered but I sleep with my teddy bear and that takes me to my secure, little space. I wear cloth diapers and plastic pants and there are some nights I'll go to bed diapered but I don't "use" my diapers. There are work arounds that exclude having to deal with a wet diaper.

For what it's worth, I too have moments where I start crying. Sometimes it just creeps up on me unannounced, so to speak. Other times, there's a catalyst. Tonight they had a young boy on the news who was fighting 3rd stage kidney cancer and that made me cry. I prayed for him immediately after. Planet Earth is a hard place to live.

 

[LittleBoyInTheRedHoodie]

There are nights I don't want to sleep diapered but I sleep with my teddy bear and that takes me to my secure, little space. I wear cloth diapers and plastic pants and there are some nights I'll go to bed diapered but I don't "use" my diapers. There are work arounds that exclude having to deal with a wet diaper.

For what it's worth, I too have moments where I start crying. Sometimes it just creeps up on me unannounced, so to speak. Other times, there's a catalyst. Tonight they had a young boy on the news who was fighting 3rd stage kidney cancer and that made me cry. I prayed for him immediately after. Planet Earth is a hard place to live.

I can’t handle when kids get sick. I’d gladly give my life to have a kid get to be a kid.

 

[Cmgaby]

Thank you for the Ballon and Mr. Stitch thanks you to! Haha

It seems harder for boys to express feelings day to day unlike girls. Most boys are taught to be tough and strong. This means not showing emotions as a man that can be considered weakness.

Such as wearing can have a social stigma around it and can be looked at as a weekness as well. So In a boys mind? Emotions get bottled up and then all at once bam. I've talked to a P. H. D in phycology about this subject who was a friend of mine and the above is the best we came up with.

So when I saw your post it hit me. Because I have had time to think about this and talked to girl friends that new that I wore, and stayed depressed over the hole situation. To the point of wear I went off the deep end, let's say Bonnie and Clyde style for short story.

But It seems I just woke up from a 5 year bad insomnia dream wear there was no joy in anything. But recently I'm better I called in support from girl friends and figuring things out thanks to this site as well and knowing I'm not alone.

But today I was raking mulch to fix a gravel driveway and broke strait down. So trust me I know what it's like to just go through the motions.

I hope you feel better after reading this. I hope it helps you know in time things will improve especially if you keep talking it out. I struggled with wearing my hole life and still to this day, if you get away from the family dynamic it helps. Gives you an out where you don't have to hide as much. Especially if your worried about what the family might say if they figured out you wore.

 

[Cmgaby]

The joy of everything or anything. Is being able to enjoy it. I had to figured out what made me happy in life no matter what. Talking to my teddy bear, talking to others was the start. Then slowly little things

 

[BeTrue]

Things sometimes randomly make me cry too. Something will be tied to a memory, and I'll get emotional. I don't battle depression but I do have a melancholic personality, so I cry at the drop of a hat. Crying can be good sometimes, but I understand the pain of loneliness. I used to feel it all the time as a young adult. I could be in a crowd and still feel completely alone. It got better having a family, but now the kids are out of the house, and my little side wants to come out again, but my wife doesn't support it. So I feel alone again. That was a big motivation for coming here to Adisc.

I do think that once you start loving and embracing your little side again, it will get easier with time. I'm sorry your family dynamic interferes. I can relate.

Since seeing this post, I've been thinking about you a lot. You're on my heart and in my prayers. I hope you can get your meds figured out, but also please know you have friends here. We care about you. So remember that you're not alone. If you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to message me.

 

[caitianx]

I was in "Little Mode" this morning as I assembled a cheap knock-off of an Erector Set Model of a Mars Rover Vehicle.
I try to have time to be "Little" every single day.
Tomorrow I will color in my Coleridge book with crayons and watch cartoons.