Not sure what to do about my feminine/sissy urges.

[killahB]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

 

[mistykitty]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

i will begin by saying that you need to do whats right for you and worry less about pleasing others forcing yourself to be someone you don't want to be is more unhealthy for you. i am actively transitioning mtf and acknowledge that you are csi but i mention this because i feel the situation is similar enough it will be helpful. i never had my family say they wish i had been a girl but similar to you there was a lack of attention or when i did get attention it was negative because i acted more like a girl and my brothers didn't so they were favored more. mainly it was my dad doing this my other family generally was ok with it. that being said i know people have different reactions to this so its good that you have given this some deep thought. regarding reopening wounds I will say its not easy but sometimes it is the best way to recover and reconcile things because supressing those events is a defense mechanism of our minds the memories are there but really hard to access. opening up the past is difficult for everybody especially regarding emotional events like this and trust me you are not alone in having to go through this process but often you have to address these memories to turn them into a strength instead of a hindrance. i will say that if they are having that profound an effect in addition to being here considering a counselor might not be a bad idea (most do virtual visits). btw while i'm not doctor you can trust my accuracy on this i have good amount of psychology knowledge from learning to understand myself better through research and talking to professionals. i will say i acknowledge that it doesn't sound like transitioning is on your agenda but whether its from your parents or some other source you have these thoughts about being a girl in your mind and once something is in the mind often you can supress it but you can rarely eliminate it. even forgeting stuff most of the time isn't permanent our minds act more like a computer and more or less label those thoughts unimportant and rewritable if the space is needed. be prepared though the more emotional an event is the more the mind remembers it so whatever these memories are will likely be very detailed and almost as if your there again. when i had to revisit some of mine it felt good afterwards because they were resolved but some had me crying just to put in perspective how strong these may become. my best advice here is to tread carefully but do assess these events because in the long run it will be helpful but the biggest thing i reccommend don't go it alone you're going to need support to do this trust me. regardless of situation it is much more important for you to accept yourself then to be accepted by others. people here on adisc are really supportive so you found a good and safe place to discuss this. whatever you choose to do i hope you find it helpful regardless of the path it takes you down. feel free to message me if you want.

 

[LittleMaya]

Ask yourself, "does this gender experimentation bring adverse effect to you? Does it effect your interpersonal relationships, your social life, your job?"
So far, what I'm hearing is, it brings guilt and shame. Interestingly, you haven't even mentioned any positive things. Most people say something...... like.. "it brings me pleasure.. or a release in pressure.. or excitement.. or simply, it feels good."
You used the word "indulging", which could suggest it brings some enjoyment.
So if there's no harm inflicted upon you or others, perhaps you're simply conflicted from it being against societal norms? You already blew that one if you're in any AB/DL/little/middle/regressive/ageplay category.
As far as "opening up old wounds", it's interesting how we "process, or contend with, unfinished business" later in life. If you think this has more to do with unfulfilled needs or damage done in your young years, your emulating a little girl may do the trick, or it might be better to seek some counseling. Sometimes we just need the insight of a gifted therapist to help us find a healthy place beyond our imperfect past.
But beating yourself up over it is... well.... just more damage.

 

[mistykitty]

Ask yourself, "does this gender experimentation bring adverse effect to you? Does it effect your interpersonal relationships, your social life, your job?"
So far, what I'm hearing is, it brings guilt and shame. Interestingly, you haven't even mentioned any positive things. Most people say something...... like.. "it brings me pleasure.. or a release in pressure.. or excitement.. or simply, it feels good."
You used the word "indulging", which could suggest it brings some enjoyment.
So if there's no harm inflicted upon you or others, perhaps you're simply conflicted from it being against societal norms? You already blew that one if you're in any AB/DL/little/middle/regressive/ageplay category.
As far as "opening up old wounds", it's interesting how we "process, or contend with, unfinished business" later in life. If you think this has more to do with unfulfilled needs or damage done in your young years, your emulating a little girl may do the trick, or it might be better to seek some counseling. Sometimes we just need the insight of a gifted therapist to help us find a healthy place beyond our imperfect past.
But beating yourself up over it is... well.... just more damage.

your post is great this is more along the lines of what i wanted to say but i have trouble putting things into words sometimes. but i said the same thing as you learn to accept yourself and talking to someone is the best thing to do. it is much more damaging to keep emotional stuff like this in.

 

[LittleMaya]

your post is great this is more along the lines of what i wanted to say but i have trouble putting things into words sometimes. but i said the same thing as you learn to accept yourself and talking to someone is the best thing to do. it is much more damaging to keep emotional stuff like this in.

I think you did a great job explaining things straight from your own personal journey.


If I had to guess, I'll say the playing as a little girl probably feels great for KillahB, right up until the guilt/shame for doing something "wrong" takes over. No bones about it, oppressive culture is quite clear about everything; how we're supposed to look, dress, act, feel...

"Individuality makes ourselves feel comfortable, homogenization makes others feel comfortable."

 

[mistykitty]

I think you did a great job explaining things straight from your own personal journey.


If I had to guess, I'll say the playing as a little girl probably feels great for KillahB, right up until the guilt/shame for doing something "wrong" takes over.

that wasn't my intent though sometimes i feel i apply my personal experiances when not needed because i don't know what to say but want to be helpful and then second guess whether what i said was actually helpful. as far as the second part i agree 100% but the unfortunate thing is that no one should have to feel like that because there is nothing wrong about it

 

[killahB]

These are interesting responses.

I think for me, there are multiple issues at play. I think the ultimate cause of my desires is due to the abusive resentment my parents harbor towards me for not being their beloved daughter, but I think my basic personality might have exacerbated the situation. I don't know if anyone puts any faith in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, but my MBTI personality is INFJ, and I have found it to be very accurate in describing me. Apparently, male INFJs are commonly perceived as being somewhat feminine due to high levels of empathy, tendency towards people pleasing, sensitive, conflict avoidance, and more in touch with our emotions than the average male. All of these, plus my deep introversion and shyness have result in my not being what our culture would traditionally call the masculine ideal.

In addition to the insanity of my parents, my apparent lack of stereotypical masculinity is what I am realizing led to my being bullied throughout grade school and well into college. I was frequently accused of being gay (while the LGBTQ community is much more accepted now, in the 80s and 90s, being gay was something you were accused of). This, plus my somewhat small stature as a child, led to a lot of ass kickings over these accusations. So, I'm wondering if my parents' disappointment in my gender, coupled with my childhood bullying over perceived homosexuality, has led me to fear indulging in my sissy baby girl fantasy. I'm not ashamed of being a cis male, and maybe I'm interpreting my desires to dress as a baby girl as an assault on my masculinity.

Indulging in this kink won't affect my job or any relationships, because I am damn sure not going public with this or my ABDL side in general. I need to think about this some more. I have been trying to step outside of my comfort zone lately and this would definitely be outside of it. But it is something that I have wanted to try since I was very young.

 

[LittleMaya]

"I'll try anything in my life.....
...things I like, I'll try twice..."

- Lynyrd Skynyrd

 

[killahB]

Well, I guess I'm going to find out what putting on adult baby girl clothes does for me, cuz I just ordered some. Will update when they arrive.

 

[Kayleigh]

i hope you can enjoy wearing your outfits as much as I enjoy wearing my diapers and girly outfits. I haven’t figured out where my interest comes from, whether it was being jealous of a younger sister’s attention from my parents added to a lack of parental attention. But I just enjoy wearing and try not to dwell on where the interest comes from.
Keep us posted as we probably deal with similar feelings.

 

[killahB]

The dress and ruffled panties came today.

I'm wearing them now (and a diaper). My masculinity is intact, yet I feel oddly comfortable and at peace. I'll chalk this up as a win!

 

[cagedape]

The dress and ruffled panties came today.

I'm wearing them now (and a diaper). My masculinity is intact, yet I feel oddly comfortable and at peace. I'll chalk this up as a win!

100% a win!!

 

[glencoe2]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

there is nothing wrong do as you like friend

 

[glencoe2]

100% a win!!

that is great new

 

[glencoe2]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

hello there killahb

 

[glencoe2]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

hi am adult sissy baby girl

 

[glencoe2]

"I'll try anything in my life.....
...things I like, I'll try twice..."

- Lynyrd Skynyrd

good afternoon littlemaya

 

[glencoe2]

One aspect of my ABDL side that I have a hard time reconciling or even experimenting with is my desire to wear baby girl diapers and clothes. I have no doubts in my mind that this desire stems from the fact that my parents have both made it clear my entire life that they were VERY disappointed by my being born a male (my entire family on my father's side has a pathological preference for female offspring). Apparently, my being born male led to my father's refusal to allow my mom to have a third child. I very clearly remember as a small child fantasizing about being treated as a baby girl, and I am certain that this was due to the lack of affection my parents showed me.

I am a straight, cisgendered male, so this aspect of my ABDL side has definitely caused me lots of inner conflict. Lately, though, as I have been trying to let myself be open to new experiences and just let myself live the life that I desire rather than continue to try and win my parents' approval (never gonna happen), I am finding myself more open to at least trying this.

My only concern with maybe trying this out is that I might be reopening some childhood psychological wounds that might be best left alone. Although it has taken decades to finally start letting loose, it is happening, and I don't want to impede this long-awaited progress. Does anyone have any advice regarding potential psychological impact of what I guess would be called gender play?

Or am I just looking for an excuse to continue not indulging?

hi am adult sissy baby girl