IC only: So you're married and need to start wearing a diaper

[slimjiminy]

For those of us, who become incontinent, rather than being IC all of your life, the event can be traumatic for non-DLs. We are programmed from potty training days that wetting yourself is shameful and that diapers are for babies. So what do you do when you start peeing yourself in public?

I have been diabetic for over 20 years now. A volunteer nurses group informed that some of us would become incontinent one day. They never explained why and I laughed it off at the time. That was the kind of thing that only happened to "other people". But fast forward to my mid 60s, I suddenly found myself almost leaving a puddle in the checkout line at the store. If I had even a smidgen less resolve, I would have peed myself thoroughly. And that terrified me because nothing like that ever happened before.

I got checked for bladder infection and it came up negative because there were more near accidents. My doctor told me it was due to nerve damage, from years of higher than normal glucose levels (diabetes). My wife and I talked briefly about it and she said that maybe I need to wear a diaper when I went shopping. Wait- what? I needed to take an elderly relative out shopping the following weekend, so I spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about this. This was during the pandemic where the washrooms were not available.

At the time, I had no clue about adult diapers. I eventually plucked up the nerve to buy some pull-ups from the drug store one night when my wife was out. This allowed me to try them out in private. After church, I needed to change and go shopping with my relative. So I held the bleach white pull-up in my hand as my wife came into the bedroom to tell me something. I figured she would see the pull-up and ask me about it. Then she said what she wanted and started to leave without noticing the pull-up. I was floored because she usually doesn't miss a thing.

So as she was leaving the room I just blurted out "I'm going to put my diaper on and go shopping this afternoon". That stopped her in her tracks! I needed to explain to her what was going on and that this was not some fetish thing. When she came back we discussed it was fine. I needed to get that out of the way!

She was supportive from that point on but with drug store products only. But I soon found out that there were better products available. She was against the "brief" initially. But after I explained that you can change a brief in the public washroom without taking your pants off, the light bulb came on in her mind and she found acceptance. She didn't like the idea of clothes touching the dirty washroom floor etc.

Since that time, I've struggled with the overnight and later with diarrhea. It's been a challenge but I now have a diet that gets me regular most of the time. So I am always switching between guards, pull-ups and diapers depending on the situation. I'm doing my best to retain the control I still have.

This was a big change for me and I'm learning to live with it. I think my wife now accepts this better than I do.

So how did you manage becoming incontinent? Did you need an awkward conversation with your wife/SO?

 

[Constantlydamp]

The fact that our GP referred me to the Continence Service and a nurse visited me at home to fit the pubic pressure urinal during the early days of the pandemic helped as my wife could see this was a medical necessity. The 9 packs of Tena Maxi briefs arriving for nightime use caused a raised eyebrow not least to find somewhere to store things along with leg bags etc. My wife is accepting but doesn't really like the fact her 64 year old husband either pees in a bag or into a nappy .

 

[KechoDrips]

I've been married for 4 years now with no incontinent issues to having to wear diapers to bed every night within the last week. My wife has handled it so much better than me and been super supportive. I on the other hand (normally the level headed one) have been losing my mind and constantly questioning whether or not my wife is okay with everything.

 

[Zeke]

My wife divorced me over 3 decades ago saving me from having to have this conversation with her when I became dual incontinent nearly 8 years ago. Judging from her overall attitude before the divorce something tells me it wouldn’t have gone that well.

 

[newt]

I wasn’t married when my daytime problems first started, but I was in a very awkward situation. I had been dating my now ex-fiancé for a bit over two years. We had just moved, signed a lease, and I was starting law school.

We broke four months into the lease. Neither of us could afford to move out. So there we were, broken up, sharing a one bedroom apartment.

I had been having some daytime problems before we broke up. But she didn’t know about them and I considered them isolated incidents. Turns out they weren’t. By the time we moved out I was in them full time.

Eventually I couldn’t hide the accidents anymore. Nor could I hide the diapers. I’ll tell you this: trying to act like everything is okay when living with your ex-fiancé during your first year of law school while being hammered with incontinence is not fun.

But for her part, she handled it so great. As hard as it was to deal, I think it was a situation that killed any animosity between us. She never made fun of me or told anyone. It was like a truce. But I could tell it kind of grossed her out which made the thought of finding another relationship much scarier.

 

[sledder23]

Similar situation with the diabetes though all my life I’ve dealt with OAB and bed wetting prior to a formal diagnosis of Type 2. I’ve always worn diapers at night and I’ve always had the support of my wife. She see’s them as a practical solution to the problem. I came clean about my need for nighttime protection when we were dating and it never phased her. Fast forward to a few years ago, and when the daytime urge incontinence set in, I had to start wearing during the day to keep my pants dry. I simply can not hold it when my bladder contracts. I tried willing myself to hold it, and about the best I could do was 20-30 seconds before my bladder overpowered my will. Losing daytime control was a bit of a hit, but she hasn’t been bothered and as long as I can function as a human being, I’m happy. In the last few months she’s had some stress incontinence problems and it’s just part of life. We view it as nothing more.

It’s unlikely I will have any improvement in my symptoms so I’ve sort of come to terms with wetting my diaper. I change it out and go on about life. It’s been an adjustment and yes, I do feel like a toddler sometimes when I can’t control my bladder, but resources like this site help process the situation and reduce the feelings of inappropriateness that can come from having child like problems with bladder control. Thankfully, I haven’t had much issue with #2. I am young relative to the OP with diabetes and one day I may be dual incontinent. I hope not and feel for those who are dual IC, but for now I just take it in stride, and change a diaper. Beats public humiliation and loads of laundry any day of the week.

 

[iatec779]

I hid mine for several years until I starting having nighttime problems and no hiding a pee bed. I came clean about my wet underwear during the day, urges, involuntary unavoidable post void dribble/squirt.
She actually bought a bed cover and some depend nighttime pull-ups for me to try. They didn't workas I’m a belly sleeper and ended up finding northshore care who sent me a giant sample pack of everything. I remember opening the box with her and I kind of scoffed at the megamax full diaper. She’s a nurse and familiar with the products already. Anyway she was telling me how they fit tighter and thst may be what I need.
I then bought probably 8 different pull-ups before giving in to the tape on diaper at night. She doesn’t have to clean wet sheets anymore while I’m at work. Been seeing a urologist, trying meds, still working on the why. I’m diabetic and have sleep apena. Cpap fixed the apnea but still have to watch sugar. Started wearing pads during day, better than wet underwear and pants. Been traveling more for work and been trying some pull-ups again for daytime when it’s hard to get to restroom quick.
Wife goes to urologist with me, been supportive of course. She’s had stress incontinence for years so me using protection kinda let her open up about her issues. Not uncommon in our house for her to sneeze or I have an urge and one of us say “I just wet my pants dammit” lol.

 

[newt]

@iatec779 you are lucky to have not only such a supportive wife but also having her be a nurse! Nurses are the best. I switched from a urologist at Mount Sinai to a nurse and I got more helpful information from her in one visit than 2 years of a urologist

 

[Edgewater]

I've been married for 4 years now with no incontinent issues to having to wear diapers to bed every night within the last week. My wife has handled it so much better than me and been super supportive. I on the other hand (normally the level headed one) have been losing my mind and constantly questioning whether or not my wife is okay with everything.

Take a very deep breath and release it slowly several times!

I would be surprised it you were handing this well! After all, everything you learned to this point in your life never stated that you would be faced with this kind of transition!

She is looking at this from a very different position and as a result thinking about what she needs to get or be ready for!

Hold your dear wife closely and teller how much you Love Her!!

 

[OnePiece]

I had been married for years before my OAB and later also urges got to the point where they controlled my life.
After getting wet pants at work a few times, I told my wife about it and that I was gonna see a doc about it.
She was of course well aware of my perpetual hunt for toilets, and was understanding.
After seing a urologist and testing out different meds, I ended up with a prescription for diapers.
She wasn't too happy about it, but she had seen the effect the meds had on me and thought of it as the best solution.
A few years ago, she developed stress IC and now I could be supportive.

The reason for my IC was never found.

 

[Edgewater]

As most of you know, I became U-IC as a result of a car crash. My dear wife handled everything while I was recovering and she was the one that chose to dump the hose and bag for Cloth Diapers! She was the one that took my hand as we left out of the front door. In our World we are both strong minded and some how know when to back-off and let the other lead.

 

[Deleted member 63979]

So how did you manage becoming incontinent? Did you need an awkward conversation with your wife/SO?

My wife was very supportive of my having to wear shields for the urinary incontinence I have developed (thanks so much to my prostate for this). I am thankful for her support. Not sure how a full diaper would go over.

 

[PaddedRita]

Abbie been very supportive about my incontinence ! Only thing she wish I did was tell her much earlier in our relationship! I have been very bless with an understanding, very caring, supportive, loving partner !! It did take many years to work out many things in our personal and being intimate needs in the relationship !

 

[daylight]

Yes, it took time, after doctor appointments, drugs, and botox, it still is an awkward elephant. It is just a subject not a lot of people are comfortable to talk about or deal with - Body fluids in general.

I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I

 

[Edgewater]

I find that my U-IC is an on-going point of discussion within our home as even minor changes needs to be reported to my doctors. Since my dear wife vantage point is different and she will pick-up on different changes both physical and mental that I may not be aware of. As a result, we have "on-going" discussions!

 

[slimjiminy]

I find that my U-IC is an on-going point of discussion within our home as even minor changes needs to be reported to my doctors. Since my dear wife vantage point is different and she will pick-up on different changes both physical and mental that I may not be aware of. As a result, we have "on-going" discussions!

This is the kind of thing that I find interesting because so many people report "my wife is so supporting". But the reality is such that it is not always the case (some marriages even fail over it). This is why I always suggest that wives need time to "accept" in addition to the victims.

In my case, I think my wife is more accepting of it than I am. I still feel "funny" about this diaper business.

 

[newt]

I find that my U-IC is an on-going point of discussion within our home as even minor changes needs to be reported to my doctors. Since my dear wife vantage point is different and she will pick-up on different changes both physical and mental that I may not be aware of. As a result, we have "on-going" discussions!

I very much agree with this. Our significant others offer another vantage point that can be very helpful.

One of the things that always surprises me is how my fiancé (not the one from my previous post) notices things that I don’t. When I was making progress with pelvic floor therapy she was pointing things out that even I wasn’t noticing that made me realize how well I was doing. She can also always tell if I’m having a bad week.

It’s such a valuable perspective. And it’s great knowing she cares enough to pay attention to this little things that even I overlook.

I also agree with Slimjiminy in that sometimes it seems like my fiancé is more accepting of this than me. She will never let me have a diaper pity party about myself. She makes sure that I know it’s not a problem for her and to get out of my own head.

 

[Pino]

I am 47 now, got incontinent three years ago, married for about 20+ years.

When i peed my pants twice in one week i knew i had a real problem, i told her the same week.

The diapers are accepted now, but practically never mentioned, she knows i wear them, on bad days even to bed. We told nobody else, O.K. i told my mother, but not explained every detail to it.

Sometimes it can be difficult, because she likes to take tours, hiking, swimming and of course holidays, all this stuff which need a lot of preparation for someone with UIC, this stresses me out sometimes.

She does not like to see me i a diaper or talk about it, so i hide it as good as manageable. We never told our son, but i think he knows already, he is 13 now, you can't hide so many diapers i a household with kids i think.

 

[hbic60]

I've been married since more than 35 years as my combined dribble and urge bladder IC started at age of 61, as result of a combination of long term side effects of meds I have to take permanent after a heart stroke a few years ago and more or less age related fate. After first trying to reduce my symptoms (very bad) with reducing my fluid intake, once my wife asked me on a hot spring day why the hell I won't drink nearly anything and if I'd knew how this harms my body. This was an eye-opener for me, I decided to open up and tell her the story of my increasing continence issues with (sometimes) uncontrollable and not remarkable dribbling and, before I reduced my fluid intake, stronger getting urges which also sometimes led to more than only some drops. She reacted very understanding and empathic, we discussed openly my feelings, I promised (and of course did a few weeks later) to go to our doc and figure out the reasons behind. I decided after our first talk - with her full understanding and support - to try some protection and to increase my liquid intake back to a normal level, which of course led to increasing my IC issues and that caused me to increase my protection.
Any step I could and did discuss with her. She fully understood that wearing protection brought me back our normal, active lifestyle, she could understand fully why I preferred wearing diapers instead of trying several different meds with side effects, and that I didn't prefer thinking about surgery options or botox injections. She always encouraged me to try out and find that way of managing my IC with which I'm most comfortable with - and if this means for me wearing diapers, then she's totally fine with that. She always told (and actively showed me) that I'm still the same, beloved person to her, no matter if I wear diapers or not. She has no problem to cuddle with me and touch me everywhere, my diapers and diaper area are for sure not off limit for her.
Of course I don't have to hide anything, but I manage my IC supplies, storage, ordering and so on by myself. I'd never expect her to diaper me (as long as I'm able to do myself - otherwise for sure she would help me without hesitation), and of course in our normal life I'm reasonable discreet why my diaper wearing - not exposing, always wearing something over them. We still often are in the morning or evening together in our big family bathroom, I can openly change my diaper while she's also there - it's simply something normal to us, we even keep talking to each other about whatever while doing so...

A very big to all our loving, understanding and supporting partners!

 

[Joeysms]

For those of us, who become incontinent, rather than being IC all of your life, the event can be traumatic for non-DLs. We are programmed from potty training days that wetting yourself is shameful and that diapers are for babies. So what do you do when you start peeing yourself in public?

I have been diabetic for over 20 years now. A volunteer nurses group informed that some of us would become incontinent one day. They never explained why and I laughed it off at the time. That was the kind of thing that only happened to "other people". But fast forward to my mid 60s, I suddenly found myself almost leaving a puddle in the checkout line at the store. If I had even a smidgen less resolve, I would have peed myself thoroughly. And that terrified me because nothing like that ever happened before.

I got checked for bladder infection and it came up negative because there were more near accidents. My doctor told me it was due to nerve damage, from years of higher than normal glucose levels (diabetes). My wife and I talked briefly about it and she said that maybe I need to wear a diaper when I went shopping. Wait- what? I needed to take an elderly relative out shopping the following weekend, so I spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about this. This was during the pandemic where the washrooms were not available.

At the time, I had no clue about adult diapers. I eventually plucked up the nerve to buy some pull-ups from the drug store one night when my wife was out. This allowed me to try them out in private. After church, I needed to change and go shopping with my relative. So I held the bleach white pull-up in my hand as my wife came into the bedroom to tell me something. I figured she would see the pull-up and ask me about it. Then she said what she wanted and started to leave without noticing the pull-up. I was floored because she usually doesn't miss a thing.

So as she was leaving the room I just blurted out "I'm going to put my diaper on and go shopping this afternoon". That stopped her in her tracks! I needed to explain to her what was going on and that this was not some fetish thing. When she came back we discussed it was fine. I needed to get that out of the way!

She was supportive from that point on but with drug store products only. But I soon found out that there were better products available. She was against the "brief" initially. But after I explained that you can change a brief in the public washroom without taking your pants off, the light bulb came on in her mind and she found acceptance. She didn't like the idea of clothes touching the dirty washroom floor etc.

Since that time, I've struggled with the overnight and later with diarrhea. It's been a challenge but I now have a diet that gets me regular most of the time. So I am always switching between guards, pull-ups and diapers depending on the situation. I'm doing my best to retain the control I still have.

This was a big change for me and I'm learning to live with it. I think my wife now accepts this better than I do.

So how did you manage becoming incontinent? Did you need an awkward conversation with your wife/SO?

i don't quite fit into this but figured i would adds my thoughts. there are many physical and emotional needs to wearing diapers and there is nothing embarrassing or shameful about wearing diapers at any age or stage in life. even if it is classified as a fetish there is a need/want to wear who is to judge. whose who love us truly don't care what type of underwear we wear, that should be especially true with the person we choose to share our lives with. if a special need is an issue i think that sad and you are with the wrong person because he or she is shallow. love and support is very important. be open and communicate don't lie and hide because it will only create distrust. in my experience if you act like it is embarrassing and shameful others pick up on that and it becomes that to them as well, so no matter always hold your head up high. i see both having to need diapers from the start and developing a need to wear later on as sharing the same challenges for the most part. Developing a need to wear diapers later in life when you are already in a relationship or being in diapers from the start of a relationship those conversations are not all that different as one would think. In the date stages when you believe a relationship is moving into the next step you tend to have the diaper conversation more than once in the search for a life partner. we tend to make this conversation out to be more than it is in our heads painting the worse case scenario/outcome. like getting into a pool just drive in. i am blessed not much experience dating i hide the target with someone amazing early on, but i did have my miss steps and those two weren't meant to be. my life partner spouse embraced everything about me good and bad and did not see my needing diapers as underwear as a flaw or negative just an add challenge but in time no even that just normal. once we became intimate she made feel very at easy it wasn't usually for her to see me hanging out around the apartment in just a diaper. the first time a met the majority of your family we traveled out and state to a wedding and she insisted on an extended wear diaper that she put me in because she said if i don't have to worry about my diaper i would be at easy around her family. my wife handles the majority of diaper ordering and changes when we are together. she is the one who got me wearing the ABDL printed one which are among some of the best diapers on the market. no one is prefect everyone has something and my wife is proof that you should never over look a hidden gem due to a special need like wearing diapers. there is far less stress and anxiety just being open with yourself and those you love