I shouldn't be jealous

[theancientmariner]

I've learned to not feel jealous about others...you never know the Swords of Damocles hovering above their heads.

I've never heard of the swords of Damocles before. Interesting metaphor. I like learning things here.

 

[LittleAndAlone]

Antisocial??? But you're here. If you were antisocial, you'd be hacking this or another place...or blowing something up. You're not antisocial...you're asocial. And that's okay, most of us are...we just are able to let ourselves out here. We're all in good company here...right? It's how it should be.

Y'see...we're not entirely asocial...we just have a niche very few Muggles want to try and understand to any degree, and/or a neurodivergent situation, like autism. So we unite in that niche here. I don't see a better way of us coping out there; hell, until "Al Gore invented the internet", all of us were 100% alone...isolated. I sure was! So we have that much.

Hey hacking and blowing things can be fun. Especially when you combine the two and build self guiding autonomous smart munitions.

SCIENCE!

I do frown on bothering people who are just minding their own business and not being aggressive through.

 

[Anemone]

Envy is a normal reaction to seeing others with things we would like for ourselves.

We can channel it into motivation or resentment.

The world is not a fair place and privilege and chance are often far more important than aptitude or application.

There is always a price for everything, one cannot have a cake and eat it too. Quite often we do not recognise this fact when we contemplate envy.

We are capable of wanting incompatible things and this causes inner turmoil. Most wants however are realistically achievable, certainly in so far as we are able to observe in others around us.

 

[LittleAndAlone]

We can channel it into motivation or resentment.

This reminds me so much of video games too.

The person who resents says "thats too powerful they need to nerf that, nobody needs it".

The person who is motivated says "wow cool where can I get one?"

 

[longallsboy]

I only really get envious of things no amount of money or effort can ever attain. Like adults who are smol and look like they are 12 and fit into childrens shoes and clothes. Or actual children.

Anything else material I create a long term action plan to eventually eliminate that source of envy by greatly surpassing it by orders of magnitude with my own. That's pretty much been my life long M.O. since I grew up poor as a child. Now anyone who finds a weak spot and flexes on me maliciously only gets one opportunity in their lifetime to do so. After the first and only offense I make sure it can't ever happen again. Better make it good and enjoy it while it lasts!

But I can't make myself smol or cut my shoe size in half.

I feel envious too. Not necessarily of children because that's just a temporary thing and childhood is actually a brief flicker of time, very fleeting. I've watched children grow from being a 3 year old to a teen and it happens very fast. I'm NOT terribly envious of children. I never really liked going to school either, and I got punished way too much in elementary school because I wouldn't concentrate in class and couldn't follow directions because of my Autism and ADHD, as nothing was known about that back then in the 1980s, I was thought to just be a disobedient child who was deliberately not following directions, and so I got sent home or had to write all the classroom rules over and over. I was sent home so many times from first to third grade. I hated school, actually. I had so many problems from kindergarten all the way through 12th grade, and even in university. Probably the only place I never got in trouble was nursery school!! HOWEVER, I am somewhat envious of proportional pituitary dwarfs or even those with Down Syndrome. I have Autism and people are nowhere near as understanding of Autistic people as of Down Syndrome. You never hear about suicidal thoughts in those with Down Syndrome, but in Autism it is relatively common, sadly. The suicide attempt rate for Autism is one of the highest, even if you include the rate for the worst criminals who committed horrible crimes. I didn't say on my own that the suicide attempt rate is high with Autism; many many scientific and medical reports and even Wikipedia mentions that. Also, because people are more understanding of Down Syndrome, they usually aren't bullied in ways Autistic people are for lack of their "social skills" as Down Syndrome people have great social skills. Well, actually even some normal 4 year olds have better social skills than a lot of Autistic people. And, with Down Syndrome, they tend to look "cute". Down Syndrome, and even pituitary dwarfism, neotenizes the body. In other words they look more "cute" and childlike.

To be honest, if I had to have Autism, it would have been easier being a proportionate pituitary dwarf that looks like a 4 year old and have Autism, then be almost 6 feet tall. People would be a lot more understanding of me and why I act the way I do (and I act like a 4 year old child emotionally and socially because of my Autism, which is not my fault), because I would then look how I act.

Also, as far as Down Syndrome goes, most adults with Down Syndrome have shorter and smaller feet, which means they can wear the babyish looking styles of shoes for much longer. I used to know quite a few people with Down Syndrome in my high school (back in the early to mid 1990s) because my high school had a Special Day class for teens with intellectual disabilities and Down Syndrome. I've seen Down Syndrome girls wear children's Mary Janes into their mid 20s and even older. One was a girl with Down Syndrome I knew who was 23 or 24 when I was 16, who had already graduated from high school, but came back for school dances. She was 4 feet 6 inches tall. She wore a size 1 girls shoe (1 size above a junior baby size 13). I once saw an adult lady wearing Mary Janes too at a tourist attraction 400 miles from where I live. I was thinking "why is she wearing children's shoes?" I realized after looking at her face that she also had Down Syndrome. I'm sure guys with Down Syndrome have small feet too. You can always tell a Mary Jane or T strap that is intended for a child when you see it. Because the sole usually is different. Even comparing, say, a size 8 ladies/ size 6 men's / European size 38 shoe, a T strap shoe made by a children's shoe company in that size looks more childish with maybe a flat sole or a gentle wedge sole; whereas a T strap shoe made by a shoe company that makes adult ladies shoes might have a lug sole or be made to make it look more like a ladies shoe possibly to wear even to work. Even though both may be a size 38 European, they are going to look very different. My mom is 5 feet 4 inches tall and could easily wear a 7 ladies / European 37. Most adult women even do not wear above a size 9 ladies. That is rare, even if they are tall.

I wear a men's size 9 / ladies 11 / European 42, and it's damned near impossible to get what I want. Even in Spanish children's shoe companies that make T strap shoes or Mary Janes, a lot of them stop at European 38 or 39. And I wear a 42. It really sucks. I even have Autistic friends who are female and they could easily wear a 38 if not smaller. I already am not going to get many things on my life and I'm not going to be ever that independent, but not being able to get a pair of T strap shoes is the thing that really rubs my face into the mud. I have almost felt like chopping off my toes. Only 2 centimeters would help me out. So very close, yet so far away. Even getting long-alls made is not easy

- longallsboy

 

[longallsboy]

This reminds me so much of video games too.

The person who resents says "thats too powerful they need to nerf that, nobody needs it".

The person who is motivated says "wow cool where can I get one?"

If I had just this one little thing in my life, these T strap shoes from Spain and a cute longall, I'd be the happiest child in my entire county, maybe my entire state!!

This is what I want - some longall like this in primary plaid gingham (which is not the color of the longall in the photo, but the same prototype design of how the longall looks) and these T strap shoes that this children's shoe company makes in Spain. I would be willing to pay thousands of dollars to have this made. This might be the only thing I get in my life that I enjoy. I can't even drive a car as I can't concentrate past 20 minutes due to my Autism and ADHD. I don't have a wife and doubt I ever will find one, never have children, likely live with my parents the rest of my life, and maybe never even get to go on vacation alone. My real biological parents are very overprotective of me, run my life for me, and have issues even letting me move to another state. But I'm willing to give any amount of money to get these cute T strap shoes and long-alls made for me. Even if it costs me more than a few thousands. A lot of shoe companies won't make you shoes unless you do a minimum. No problem! I can get 35 shoes if required to. I need extra pairs of shoes anyway. I want to wear these to my memorial service and be buried in. I don't think it's too much to ask. Just one thing!!



The adorable T strap shoes I want made in my size







- longallsboy

 

[ShippoFox]

What do you need help with? I'm pretty big on people having access to the tools they need to be self reliant.

Blahhhh.... okay.... ahhhhhh..... I didn't even wanna bother putting in the mental/social energy and time to reply, sorry.... (and i feel like I'm taking over the topic or something) but you did ask, so I'll try to do my best to FINALLY explain a little bit more.... >.<

Probably exponentially more help than you can provide. And not having any diagnosis of anything is half the problem (I just lost my food "stamps" because I am considered "able bodied" due to lack of any diagnoses, it sucks and I'm really distressed about it, but I won't starve. it was also a big mental hassle for me to sign up for them in the first place... only had them for six months because I was anxious/afraid to sign up for so long.). I could be autistic, OCD (which I think includes aboulomania, my extreme indecisiveness. the simplest decision can stress me out and sometimes take hours. and lots of cognitive dissonance.) ADHD, depression (mostly based on crappy circumstances, but every once in a while, depressed for no special reason), bipolar (which i guess they count as a form of depression now?), insomniac, possible form of PTSD (bullying (sometimes attacked by other kids back then) and also being yelled at by adults, both teachers and family), general anxiety, I have high social anxiety (no, I'm not making this up. I definitely have at least some of this stuff).... you don't know how hard it is for me to see a neighbor or something when I step outside the door. I will do everything I can do avoid talking to people, because it is extremely uncomfortable, but if they do talk to me, I am almost always polite.

And EVERYTHING requires interaction with someone that might judge me unfairly. It actually took a few days to gather the social energy to type this reply (and i knew it would take forever to think about and type). (I'm kinda tired of talking about it, feel defeated and embarrassed from talking about it over and over and over again.... feeling like it only all gets worse with more time and more introspection.... I used to blog about it here, but gave up on that (plus blogs here opened to search engines and I didn't like that change) like talking about my problems is always just arguing with people because they never entirely "get" it because they can never know my thoughts and feelings from just simple words)

And it's like I just can't be bothered to deal with people anyway because all they want to do is judge and be mean. Yes, it has gotten worse over the years as I got "older" and struggle to think of my self or even want to be an adult, but I have always been very sensitive. and I'm not unaware or "stupid" (for lack of a more politically correct word) so.... people think I'm making all this up and gaslight me. I'm intelligent, but my social problems are a bigger deal than people want to recognize.

A personality quiz once told me I have avoidant-dependent personality disorder. I don't know the specifics, but it sounds like it describes me. I rely on people, but I avoid people. I need others, but I don't have the social ability to deal with them.

I'm trans but I don't think I will ever be able to transition because it involves facing numerous different fears, plus it costs TONS of money like everything else in this stupid greedy world. money isn't even real, its just something mean humans made up to make other people feel inferior. And I can't handle the simplest confrontation (literal or otherwise), so how the heck would I ever transition. my family isn't entirely bigoted but they definitely are NOT as open minded as they like to think they are. It COULD be worse, but.... I'm too sensitive. (and I have next to zero IRL support network)

An online friend I haven't talked to in a long time said it seemed like I have low executive functioning abilities? I dunno. maybe? I don't know the specifics of it. I feel like it's harder to keep up with the simple stuff every day. It's not that I "can't" do it. It's just.... really hard? I don't know how to explain. but I guess I always did have trouble with stuff, and people did not notice, and/or I was too embarrassed to admit it (since everyone was a jerk to begin with). it's why people picked on me and why I was always too worn out to bother with extracurricular stuff much back when I was in school.

I know people who get like every single government benefit and are more socially skilled/able than me. (not saying they don't need it. saying that I do. but I fear even going to a therapist and don't really have a way to get there either. and making phone calls is like a super mental effort.) I have never had an actual job in my life because of all my problems. I applied a few places, a few times, just so I could say I did so, but I was EXTREMELY anxious about it, and glad when the employers never called back.

I also have so many chores and home responsibilities that I always feel like my family give me no credit for. Or maybe I'm just embarrassed that I can't handle more and feel like I should or wish that I could.

I have a lot of "skills".... but can't manage to get any of them to the point where they would actually earn me money. AND I am so depressed by the way the world works that I would feel guilty charging if I made something like art, stories, games. I wrote two "novels" more or less, but I don't even want to show them to anyone (other than a few excerpts to a few friends). I'm not going to make money on crappy babyfur horror sci-fi, no matter how long it took to write nor how difficult it was. Especially if I would feel guilty charging money in the first place. and THEN, people would wonder how I got the money, even if I SOMEHOW managed to get over both a. the guilt of charging money and b. lack of a large audience willing to pay for something that should be free (without getting political, I will say I am not a fan of capitalism. capitalism is predatory. I will stop at that. It's just impossible not to mention something political at some point. I don't want to have a political discussion. I apologize. But it also puts me at odds with a ton of people by default, since we would not share the same basic moral/ethical/whatever beliefs.) it's yet another "well I'm screwed for not being conformist" kinda things :/

I don't drive because that's one of my many fears. And it's a big risk. people like to gaslight me about that. but I know it would only bring me so much more trouble, possibly death. I am so clumsy. I don't want to take some huge risk, be blamed when it all blows up in my face, even though "I told everyone so!" and knew things would go wrong. Also, it's expensive.

I am broken. i got a bad dice roll from birth. no one wants to help or realize that I need help. and the few that maybe would help are not able or wouldn't know how. >.< sometimes it feels good to vent.... sometimes it only makes me feel worse.

(edited out my last part of this post because I think I had something wrong and mixed up with something else. and because i tend to edit my posts a million times >.< )

 

[longallsboy]

What I'd like to know is.....I am just wondering WHY are so many people with Autism Spectrum Disorder "adult babies"?? Let's just say, maybe even 10% of adult babies are Autistic. Sounds like a small minority of those with adult baby Syndrome, right? Most people who are adult babies aren't Autistic, but then the amount of Autistics that are adult babies is still overrepresented. I mean, maybe 1% of people are Autistic, 2% at the very most if you use liberal methods of counting (I do NOT mean liberal in a political sense, though I am a Republican politically, I mean liberal as in not being so restrictive as to what qualifies as having Autism). Based on that, a 10% of adult babies with ASD would still be quite severe overrepresentation.

Why is that? Are Autistic people more likely to become adult babies because of the way we get treated? Are we bullied so very much through school and throughout life while we are nonviolent and never fight back that we snap and just regress?? I can't really say that I'm an adult baby per se, and I don't think I really consider myself one as I don't even wear diapers. But, I do have some similarities. I do act like a child 98% of the time and even all my friends and my old college instructors would say that. I am emotionally and socially like a 4 1/2 year old. I have interests in children's things, like certain children's clothes (long-alls / jon jons, T strap shoes), some toddler toys, pacifiers (I nearly graduated from college with a pacifier in my pocket), kiddie rides in amusement parks, children's cartoons, etc. I got bullied all the time from 4th grade to 10th or 11th grade. The worst bullying happened, amazingly, in university. You would have expected 20-24 year olds to be better than that and more mature. I guess not. All this bullying and ostracism drove me away from young adults in general, and sent me to people who would be more accepting and more understanding of me and my Autism - which I found out were mostly preschoolers. I'm not surprised I read a lot of Autistic adults have most of their friends in the preschool crowd or the elderly people age group - because that is when they are the least judgmental and more understanding of differences and diversity. I know some people are going to say that liberals are understanding / accepting of differences and diversity and disability. Well, in my experiences, the opposite is true. I've met way nicer Republicans than Democrats. At least I never get bullied, attacked, or get called the R word, when I visit South Carolina. I've never met so many sweet and kind people in my life as I have in South Carolina.

- longallsboy

 

[longallsboy]

Blahhhh.... okay.... ahhhhhh..... I didn't even wanna bother putting in the mental/social energy and time to reply, sorry.... (and i feel like I'm taking over the topic or something) but you did ask, so I'll try to do my best to FINALLY explain a little bit more.... >.<

Probably exponentially more help than you can provide. And not having any diagnosis of anything is half the problem (I just lost my food "stamps" because I am considered "able bodied" due to lack of any diagnoses, it sucks and I'm really distressed about it, but I won't starve. it was also a big mental hassle for me to sign up for them in the first place... only had them for six months because I was anxious/afraid to sign up for so long.). I could be autistic, OCD (which I think includes aboulomania, my extreme indecisiveness. the simplest decision can stress me out and sometimes take hours. and lots of cognitive dissonance.) ADHD, depression (mostly based on crappy circumstances, but every once in a while, depressed for no special reason), bipolar (which i guess they count as a form of depression now?), insomniac, possible form of PTSD (bullying (sometimes attacked by other kids back then) and also being yelled at by adults, both teachers and family), general anxiety, I have high social anxiety (no, I'm not making this up. I definitely have at least some of this stuff).... you don't know how hard it is for me to see a neighbor or something when I step outside the door. I will do everything I can do avoid talking to people, because it is extremely uncomfortable, but if they do talk to me, I am almost always polite.

And EVERYTHING requires interaction with someone that might judge me unfairly. It actually took a few days to gather the social energy to type this reply (and i knew it would take forever to think about and type). (I'm kinda tired of talking about it, feel defeated and embarrassed from talking about it over and over and over again.... feeling like it only all gets worse with more time and more introspection.... I used to blog about it here, but gave up on that (plus blogs here opened to search engines and I didn't like that change) like talking about my problems is always just arguing with people because they never entirely "get" it because they can never know my thoughts and feelings from just simple words)

And it's like I just can't be bothered to deal with people anyway because all they want to do is judge and be mean. Yes, it has gotten worse over the years as I got "older" and struggle to think of my self or even want to be an adult, but I have always been very sensitive. and I'm not unaware or "stupid" (for lack of a more politically correct word) so.... people think I'm making all this up and gaslight me. I'm intelligent, but my social problems are a bigger deal than people want to recognize.

A personality quiz once told me I have avoidant-dependent personality disorder. I don't know the specifics, but it sounds like it describes me. I rely on people, but I avoid people. I need others, but I don't have the social ability to deal with them.

I'm trans but I don't think I will ever be able to transition because it involves facing numerous different fears, plus it costs TONS of money like everything else in this stupid greedy world. money isn't even real, its just something mean humans made up to make other people feel inferior. And I can't handle the simplest confrontation (literal or otherwise), so how the heck would I ever transition. my family isn't entirely bigoted but they definitely are NOT as open minded as they like to think they are. It COULD be worse, but.... I'm too sensitive. (and I have next to zero IRL support network)

An online friend I haven't talked to in a long time said it seemed like I have low executive functioning abilities? I dunno. maybe? I don't know the specifics of it. I feel like it's harder to keep up with the simple stuff every day. It's not that I "can't" do it. It's just.... really hard? I don't know how to explain. but I guess I always did have trouble with stuff, and people did not notice, and/or I was too embarrassed to admit it (since everyone was a jerk to begin with). it's why people picked on me and why I was always too worn out to bother with extracurricular stuff much back when I was in school.

I know people who get like every single government benefit and are more socially skilled/able than me. (not saying they don't need it. saying that I do. but I fear even going to a therapist and don't really have a way to get there either. and making phone calls is like a super mental effort.) I have never had an actual job in my life because of all my problems. I applied a few places, a few times, just so I could say I did so, but I was EXTREMELY anxious about it, and glad when the employers never called back.

I also have so many chores and home responsibilities that I always feel like my family give me no credit for. Or maybe I'm just embarrassed that I can't handle more and feel like I should or wish that I could.

I have a lot of "skills".... but can't manage to get any of them to the point where they would actually earn me money. AND I am so depressed by the way the world works that I would feel guilty charging if I made something like art, stories, games. I wrote two "novels" more or less, but I don't even want to show them to anyone (other than a few excerpts to a few friends). I'm not going to make money on crappy babyfur horror sci-fi, no matter how long it took to write nor how difficult it was. Especially if I would feel guilty charging money in the first place. and THEN, people would wonder how I got the money, even if I SOMEHOW managed to get over both a. the guilt of charging money and b. lack of a large audience willing to pay for something that should be free (without getting political, I will say I am not a fan of capitalism. capitalism is predatory. I will stop at that. It's just impossible not to mention something political at some point. I don't want to have a political discussion. I apologize. But it also puts me at odds with a ton of people by default, since we would not share the same basic moral/ethical/whatever beliefs.) it's yet another "well I'm screwed for not being conformist" kinda things :/

I don't drive because that's one of my many fears. And it's a big risk. people like to gaslight me about that. but I know it would only bring me so much more trouble, possibly death. I am so clumsy. I don't want to take some huge risk, be blamed when it all blows up in my face, even though "I told everyone so!" and knew things would go wrong. Also, it's expensive.

I am broken. i got a bad dice roll from birth. no one wants to help or realize that I need help. and the few that maybe would help are not able or wouldn't know how. >.< sometimes it feels good to vent.... sometimes it only makes me feel worse.

(edited out my last part of this post because I think I had something wrong and mixed up with something else. and because i tend to edit my posts a million times >.< )

About being "broken" : Heck any fool can tell you that my mind is broken. I have had a child friend (who is now 17 years old) that I knew since he was 5 years old, tell me when he was 7 years old tell me that my mind was broken. He wasn't bullying me either. His then 9 year old sister told him to stop saying that. Actually though, I agree, sadly my mind is broken.

Most kids who are 3 to 6 year olds don't even think my mind is broken. They think I'm actually a child. For the longest time, my now 10 year old nephew would say that I was a 2 year old if you asked him how old I was. Seriously. He said that for years....and he would remember too!! If my dad asked him how old his uncle was (me), he'd say 2!! Most people I know, including old college instructors and professors and even those adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder who are more like 11-13 years old emotionally and socially, would say that I am emotionally and socially like a 4 1/2 to 5 year old, or even younger like a 3 year old. My parents keep saying my nephews who are 6 and 10 years old are more mature than me. Sadly, I think they are right. I've just given up. Some days I really do act like a preschooler. I almost have gotten to the point where I blame the guy above in Heaven for not making me a proportional pituitary dwarf that looks like a preschooler. If I did look like a preschooler, even if I was an adult chronologically, how I am would be way more understandable.

- longallsboy