I need help please

[Hereforhelpplease]

My 12 year old is TBDL. I have been highly supportive and non-judgmental as we all have our pleasures. I have only had 3 requests/rules with it. No lying about age, no sexual content and no photos or videos. Every rule has been broken. They are all VERY broken. I don't know what to do with the sexual component of it. I was a highly sexual child but it wasn't in the digital media age. I am at a loss and it has been difficult to find others similar in age so that it isn't a predatory situation (there has been a lot). My child won't listen. Please help.

 

[Thelittlestbaby]

Perhaps them seeing a therapist could help. If your able to afford one if they aren’t already seeing one. It’s not to “fix” them but more help the urges almost. Help it from comsuming the persons life in an aspect. Also maybe have a talk about it. Explain that there’s pros and cons to what you do and say and place on the internet and the fact that even if it’s deleted people can still find the thing you posted. I’m not someone with children , but this is what I think would possibly help. It’s hard, almost I’m unsure if that’s the age everyone talks about sex and other things so maybe that’s why the rules where broken; perhaps explain why the rules shouldn’t be broken and why they are in place?

 

[Rainbow]

Everything you have laid out for him is extremely reasonable -- more than that, it is necessary for his safety. I was, not long ago, a teen who learned about his sexuality and tried to escape his isolation through the internet. But I was unsupervised. No one guided me. No one explained to me how dangerous posting pictures of myself were, or how I would grow up one day to feel so awful about much of it. Teens don't fully understand the morality of things when they are young. They don't understand how it can affect them.

I am not entirely sure what to suggest, to be honest. It is possible he feels limited and isolated and not sure enough of himself yet. He's looking for validation. He wants to be seen. But he's too young for the internet. I was too young at 15, and I was still too young at 18, too. Which led me to making terrible mistakes that still haunt me (because my brain uses it as self-condemnation, mostly... but they were definitely immoral events).

The point is, perhaps your son would benefit from talking to a therapist. Perhaps a sex therapist, at that. But just someone to talk to about his feelings in a safe way. And then perhaps they can help guide your child to a better understanding and acceptance of himself without feeling the need to frequent these spaces online. You can't protect him from the world, that is true. But you can guide him, the best you can. You're not perfect, but it is evident to me that you love him very much. And that's what counts.

 

[Freddie07601]

Beautifully said, Rainbow Connection. Thank you.

 

[needchanging49]

This is going to be a problem for him to find people he can talk to about this, and he is going to want to letting him ask questions about what is going on and how others handle these needs might help. TBDL is a lonely place to be so few of the other kids will understand and/or not give him shit over this and there is almost no place he can go to talk about this that isn't 18+ Maybe you can find a few guys who can at a a Grandpa or dad to talk honestly with him and he can ask questions with being out in the world at risk. good luck feel free to ask questions

 

[Hereforhelpplease]

Perhaps them seeing a therapist could help. If your able to afford one if they aren’t already seeing one. It’s not to “fix” them but more help the urges almost. Help it from comsuming the persons life in an aspect. Also maybe have a talk about it. Explain that there’s pros and cons to what you do and say and place on the internet and the fact that even if it’s deleted people can still find the thing you posted. I’m not someone with children , but this is what I think would possibly help. It’s hard, almost I’m unsure if that’s the age everyone talks about sex and other things so maybe that’s why the rules where broken; perhaps explain why the rules shouldn’t be broken and why they are in place?

We’ve had these talks multiple times. I believe child has impulse control issues. We don’t try to fix anything, just promote health and safety. We are open about all topics. Therapy may be our next course of action.

 

[Hereforhelpplease]

Everything you have laid out for him is extremely reasonable -- more than that, it is necessary for his safety. I was, not long ago, a teen who learned about his sexuality and tried to escape his isolation through the internet. But I was unsupervised. No one guided me. No one explained to me how dangerous posting pictures of myself were, or how I would grow up one day to feel so awful about much of it. Teens don't fully understand the morality of things when they are young. They don't understand how it can affect them.

I am not entirely sure what to suggest, to be honest. It is possible he feels limited and isolated and not sure enough of himself yet. He's looking for validation. He wants to be seen. But he's too young for the internet. I was too young at 15, and I was still too young at 18, too. Which led me to making terrible mistakes that still haunt me (because my brain uses it as self-condemnation, mostly... but they were definitely immoral events).

The point is, perhaps your son would benefit from talking to a therapist. Perhaps a sex therapist, at that. But just someone to talk to about his feelings in a safe way. And then perhaps they can help guide your child to a better understanding and acceptance of himself without feeling the need to frequent these spaces online. You can't protect him from the world, that is true. But you can guide him, the best you can. You're not perfect, but it is evident to me that you love him very much. And that's what counts.

Thank you. That’s what we are trying to create is a safe, judgment free space and awareness of what’s okay and not okay for their safety.

 

[Thelittlestbaby]

We’ve had these talks multiple times. I believe child has impulse control issues. We don’t try to fix anything, just promote health and safety. We are open about all topics. Therapy may be our next course of action.

I didn’t say you need to fix anything but threaphy is a good idea, it’s helped me in a bit with being abdl and stuff

 

[Belarin]

First of all may I applaud your reaction to to your sons choice, there are not so many parents who would straight away try to accept and understand their older child's desire for diapers, Most become angry/defensive/stressed/fearful etc. and try to outright stop and/or fix the "problem" when there is actually usually no problem to fix. That you are here seeking ways to support your child through this clearly shows how much you love and respect him for who he is or wants to be and for that I thank you.

Now as RainbowConnection said the rules you have laid out for him are entirely reasonable for his safety, and I do notice that you have not asked for how you might punish him for breaking those rules which is again close to a miraculous attitude/behaviour for a parent, and I do hope you can maintain that as I can tell you now that at his age attempting to penalise/punish may lead to worse outcomes.

I'm not going to touch on the TBDL side as it sounds like you are already accepting of that but there is plenty of supportive people here who can help you understand that part of him better should you want to. I do have a few questions though for the rules part:

Is he your only/eldest child? I'm sure you're aware but at 12 he is rapidly approaching that age where boys really begin to discover themselves sexually, prohibiting him from exploring that will only exacerbate his need to explore and possibly lead to him taking greater risks to do so. While I can not condone allowing a minor to peruse erotic content he does need to understand it and given that he has already broken the sexual content rule he may need something more than the usual "when a mummy and daddy love each other..." talk. Which leads on to the next question.

Where are you from? (this is a little rhetorical you don't need to answer) If outside the USA this is probably less of a thing but I ask because, without trying to be stereotypical, I know that in many parts of the USA sex ed. is practically non existent, I've heard so much about 18-20 year old Americans who have no idea about sex (anatomy, risks, protection etc.) because their family avoids talking about it and the schools don't teach them. In the UK I had my first (very basic) sex ed. lesson in primary school (at 10 years old) and more detailed in secondary (at 11 years old) so depending on what you and his school teach him you may need to go a little deeper.

The sexual content/pictures/videos rules he broke, was he uploading pictures/videos of himself online? just taking pics and vids of himself for personal reasons/use (not uploading)? or was he just accessing erotic content online?
If he is uploading things then of course that needs to be stopped, he needs to be aware of how dangerous that is. it may be hard to make him listen and accept as he is at the rebellious age but communicating with him is vital. I say COmmunicating there instead of speaking to/telling because it HAS to be a two way discussion, he needs to be aware of the risks and why you won't allow it but you also need to learn why he feels the need to share personal images and work through it together.

If he is taking pics/vids purely for his own use then maybe find a way that those can be taken and/or kept securely (like an encrypted usb drive, and not on a phone or computer) and limit what he has/does. It is very common these days for children entering their teens to take pictures and videos of their genitalia/self pleasure, it is just another way to explore and understand their bodies that is more accessible in the modern world with smart phones/webcams and removing these devices will only alienate him and lengthen the time it takes him to learn and become used to the new feelings, again increasing the risks he may take to do so.

If all he was doing was looking at porn on the net and not taking his own things that should probably be restricted as it is technically an offense to provide or knowingly allow a minor to view pornographic material. There are many, many pieces of software you can install on pc's/mac's/phone's etc. to prevent access to those kinds of websites.
There is however a caveat that there are 10 times as many websites that can teach him how to work around those blocks and using these may also cause him to find ways to hide what he is viewing, this latter part is a problem because it seems like you currently have quite an open and inviting relationship with your son but if he feels he needs to hide things from you, the amount of things he hides will grow and he may become more distant/less open to you. I don't have kids but if it were me I would rather turn the other cheek to them watching naughty vids (while monitoring the history of where they were/what they did) than have them visiting websites built by pervs that are happy to teach minors how to access that material, doing shady things to get access or simply going out to try it for real.

All of it really comes down the that whole CO-mmunication thing, giving him the opportunity to open up and listen to his views/thoughts while sharing your own and working together. A good therapist will help here but you need to tell your son that you are not trying to "cure" him, that you accept him for who he is and what he wants, that you just want to support him and protect him. you also need to make sure the therapist understands that you are ok with his TBDL, you don't want to change him and that you just need support support him understand his choices and the importance of following boundaries and exploring safely.

I'm going to leave that there for now as it got longer than I intended.

 

[Hereforhelpplease]

First of all may I applaud your reaction to to your sons choice, there are not so many parents who would straight away try to accept and understand their older child's desire for diapers, Most become angry/defensive/stressed/fearful etc. and try to outright stop and/or fix the "problem" when there is actually usually no problem to fix. That you are here seeking ways to support your child through this clearly shows how much you love and respect him for who he is or wants to be and for that I thank you.

Now as RainbowConnection said the rules you have laid out for him are entirely reasonable for his safety, and I do notice that you have not asked for how you might punish him for breaking those rules which is again close to a miraculous attitude/behaviour for a parent, and I do hope you can maintain that as I can tell you now that at his age attempting to penalise/punish may lead to worse outcomes.

I'm not going to touch on the TBDL side as it sounds like you are already accepting of that but there is plenty of supportive people here who can help you understand that part of him better should you want to. I do have a few questions though for the rules part:

Is he your only/eldest child? I'm sure you're aware but at 12 he is rapidly approaching that age where boys really begin to discover themselves sexually, prohibiting him from exploring that will only exacerbate his need to explore and possibly lead to him taking greater risks to do so. While I can not condone allowing a minor to peruse erotic content he does need to understand it and given that he has already broken the sexual content rule he may need something more than the usual "when a mummy and daddy love each other..." talk. Which leads on to the next question.

Where are you from? (this is a little rhetorical you don't need to answer) If outside the USA this is probably less of a thing but I ask because, without trying to be stereotypical, I know that in many parts of the USA sex ed. is practically non existent, I've heard so much about 18-20 year old Americans who have no idea about sex (anatomy, risks, protection etc.) because their family avoids talking about it and the schools don't teach them. In the UK I had my first (very basic) sex ed. lesson in primary school (at 10 years old) and more detailed in secondary (at 11 years old) so depending on what you and his school teach him you may need to go a little deeper.

The sexual content/pictures/videos rules he broke, was he uploading pictures/videos of himself online? just taking pics and vids of himself for personal reasons/use (not uploading)? or was he just accessing erotic content online?
If he is uploading things then of course that needs to be stopped, he needs to be aware of how dangerous that is. it may be hard to make him listen and accept as he is at the rebellious age but communicating with him is vital. I say COmmunicating there instead of speaking to/telling because it HAS to be a two way discussion, he needs to be aware of the risks and why you won't allow it but you also need to learn why he feels the need to share personal images and work through it together.

If he is taking pics/vids purely for his own use then maybe find a way that those can be taken and/or kept securely (like an encrypted usb drive, and not on a phone or computer) and limit what he has/does. It is very common these days for children entering their teens to take pictures and videos of their genitalia/self pleasure, it is just another way to explore and understand their bodies that is more accessible in the modern world with smart phones/webcams and removing these devices will only alienate him and lengthen the time it takes him to learn and become used to the new feelings, again increasing the risks he may take to do so.

If all he was doing was looking at porn on the net and not taking his own things that should probably be restricted as it is technically an offense to provide or knowingly allow a minor to view pornographic material. There are many, many pieces of software you can install on pc's/mac's/phone's etc. to prevent access to those kinds of websites.
There is however a caveat that there are 10 times as many websites that can teach him how to work around those blocks and using these may also cause him to find ways to hide what he is viewing, this latter part is a problem because it seems like you currently have quite an open and inviting relationship with your son but if he feels he needs to hide things from you, the amount of things he hides will grow and he may become more distant/less open to you. I don't have kids but if it were me I would rather turn the other cheek to them watching naughty vids (while monitoring the history of where they were/what they did) than have them visiting websites built by pervs that are happy to teach minors how to access that material, doing shady things to get access or simply going out to try it for real.

All of it really comes down the that whole CO-mmunication thing, giving him the opportunity to open up and listen to his views/thoughts while sharing your own and working together. A good therapist will help here but you need to tell your son that you are not trying to "cure" him, that you accept him for who he is and what he wants, that you just want to support him and protect him. you also need to make sure the therapist understands that you are ok with his TBDL, you don't want to change him and that you just need support support him understand his choices and the importance of following boundaries and exploring safely.

I'm going to leave that there for now as it got longer than I intended.

Thank you. She has 2 older brothers. We are very supportive and open with our kids on all topics. We would rather them have the ability to ask and learn from us than their peers or strangers.

We have punished by taking away all electronics. We just gave an app back and within the week the messaging and sharing was right back to it.

We had agreed at one point to allow a relationship online with someone who seemed genuine and as close to age as possible who agreed to remove the sexual component. This didn’t work as she would create multiple inappropriate conversations while lying about age and sending the photos/videos. They are not for personal use.

We are questioning an impulse control disorder. It isn’t just this scenario that has a clearly unhealthy disregard for personal safety and rules.

We will speak to our doctor for a referral to at least start talk therapy. We have and always will entirely support our children in any aspect of their lives and promote healthy and safe steps. I am the least judgmental person ever.

 

[ARBBB2]

You sound like u are doing everything correctly as a parent, I would support therapy with a counselor that is very familiar with ab/dl! Please let us know whats going on and if its working?

 

[Belarin]

Thank you. She has 2 older brothers. We are very supportive and open with our kids on all topics. We would rather them have the ability to ask and learn from us than their peers or strangers.

We have punished by taking away all electronics. We just gave an app back and within the week the messaging and sharing was right back to it.

We had agreed at one point to allow a relationship online with someone who seemed genuine and as close to age as possible who agreed to remove the sexual component. This didn’t work as she would create multiple inappropriate conversations while lying about age and sending the photos/videos. They are not for personal use.

We are questioning an impulse control disorder. It isn’t just this scenario that has a clearly unhealthy disregard for personal safety and rules.

We will speak to our doctor for a referral to at least start talk therapy. We have and always will entirely support our children in any aspect of their lives and promote healthy and safe steps. I am the least judgmental person ever.

I'm sorry I automatically assumed a boy since it wasn't mentioned.

Might be worth looking to see if there is a way to block the app used for messaging (if it's an app or social network/website) so that the electronic devices can be kept and used for acceptable purposes and then as they begin to develop more understanding of safety/impulse control allow use of those apps/sites with oversight/supervision.

You do seem to be taking the right steps, children can become very stubborn, defensive or withdrawn when they reach that age, it's the point where their brain is really trying to figure out who they are and where they fit with little regard to much else.

If you do get a referral make sure to talk to the therapist first and ensure they are tb/ab/dl aware or it might make things harder if that comes up and they think that needs dealing with more than understanding risk.