I need advice

[abdlprincess1988]

My mom acts like she can control my money from work and the. Denies she is but wants me to spend money on things I don’t want to I am at a loss to how to get her to stop any help or advice is appreciated I would post this places like Facebook but too many people my family knows are on Facebook

 

[Nowididit]

It's your money you have the power over it. You worked for it, you earned, you deserve it so you and only you should be allowed to spend it.

So what exactly is your mom telling you to spend your money on? Is you mom wanting to spend your money on frivolous items or necessities?

I have one suggestion.
If you have a checking or savings account and your place of employment offers direct deposit then use it. Deposit directly into the savings account then transfer money to the checking account as needed. You'll be doing online banking and only you will have access to your money. Keep your mother off your accounts. No passwords or balances.

 

[Zeke]

If they don’t offer direct deposit as for a hard copy of your check and deposit it yourself in an account that your mother has no access to. Better yet learn to stand up to her and take charge of what’s yours if you find that possible. The more you let her control you the more she’s going to take control from you. Sorry that she’s doing this, could it be that she’s concerned with what she thinks you will spend your money on?

 

[abdlprincess1988]

That’s not the issue she doesn’t have access to my account she’s acting like she can rule how I spend it

 

[TeeMousy]

You could try both of you going to a councilor or mediator to work through this. But otherwise, it's on you. You need to assure her that you are being responsible and paying your bills first. She may not change, but you can control how you react to it.

 

[Edgewater]

If you are not, start paying your mother Rent and a cost off-set the suppliers, food and utilities you are using.

I strongly stand against individuals using a Forum to garner support as a part of only knowing a single side of a discussion! If you want total independence, more out and live on your own!

 

[Nowididit]

If you are not, start paying your mother Rent and a cost off-set the suppliers, food and utilities you are using.

I strongly stand against individuals using a Forum to garner support as a part of only knowing a single side of a discussion! If you want total independence, more out and live on your own!

Thank you. I ask this in my earlier post but got no response.

I wanna know if the mother is asking OP to spend money..ie...contribute to some of the household expenses or is the mother demanding OP purchase frivolous items for mom herself.
If mom is asking for contributions to the household expenses then I see no issue with OP contributing. As a matter of fact if this is the case then I believe OP should be volunteering to give money instead of being asked for it. I believe it would ease a lot of tension between them.

I have my opinion of adult children still living at home and not contributing.

 

[ILuvDiapers]

It's difficult to answer this, because you don't expand upon what your mom is asking you to spend your money on? I would say that at 35 you should have full control over your money.

However if you are living at home, but not contributing towards household expenses, then it's a different matter? It's not unreasonable for your mom to ask you to contribute towards your up keep.

It really depends on the actual circumstances?

 

[babykeiff]

I strongly stand against individuals using a Forum to garner support as a part of only knowing a single side of a discussion! If you want total independence, more out and live on your own!

In my humble opinion, the OP is asking a question.

1. Will it garner her support, maybe from a mental side, but not from a physical and/or legal perspective as this is support from anonomized people.
2. Is it a single side discussion - maybe.

Does the OP know this information - YES. So where is the problem?
Is the OP looking for alternate ways of handling the issue - Maybe YES

As a result, offering opinions on this subject is valid online, so if you, as you clearly state that you disagree I strongly stand against individuals other people, using a Forum, like ADISC, for support to garner support, then why are you offering an opinion?

My mom acts like she can control my money from work and the. Denies she is but wants me to spend money on things I don’t want to I am at a loss to how to get her to stop any help or advice is appreciated I would post this places like Facebook but too many people my family knows are on Facebook

@abdlprincess1988 as others have asked, is the items your mother is suggesting, in your opinion frivilous or needed? It is said that a parent has only the welfare of their child at heart, so in your case, your mothers intentions may be honourable. Not online, but can you make a list of what she has asked / got you to purchase / spend your money on, and identify what, if any, was of benifit to you, to both of you and/or to her alone. Once this list is done, total up the three columns ad work out, by percentage, what you covered that was not in your interest. Then, you can use this list to accurately identify whether there is a real or imaginary problem (not saying that you are imaging it, but that is always a possibility).

If there is a real quantifiable issue, third party mediation may be your only recourse if she does not listen to your concerns.

 

[babykeiff]

...I wanna know if the mother is asking OP to spend money..ie...contribute to some of the household expenses or is the mother demanding OP purchase frivolous items for mom herself.
If mom is asking for contributions to the household expenses then I see no issue with OP contributing. As a matter of fact if this is the case then I believe OP should be volunteering to give money instead of being asked for it. I believe it would ease a lot of tension between them.

I have my opinion of adult children still living at home and not contributing.

There are multiple paramaters when it comes to the title of adult vs children. The list below might cover some scenarios

• The change from being dependant on parents/careers to becoming independent earners with the guidance / support of parents.
• On graduation of school where they leave the family home to persue a college qualification.
• On graduation of college where they leave the family home to persue their career
• a specific age if the child does not want to metaphorically 'stand on their own feet' / carry their own weight

Each child - adult transfer is dependant on the specific scenario and should not be dependant on a specific age, in my humble opinion.

There are always specific details to take into account - do you evict the

• 5 year old as soon as they start school
• 16 year old as soon as they get their first job
• 18 year old as soon as they start college

... or better still, support your children in their start in life as much as you can?

There is always consequenses for actions - and evicting a 16/18 year old 'adult child'... and they move cross country to get away from you. Is it any wonder that these children do not contact their parents if ever, and rarely come to their parents funeral?

The OP is in a quandry, has an income and maybe staying with her mother. We have not been told whether it is her mother's property or the OP's. It could very easily be that her mother is leeching off her child rather than the other way around. This is why I suggested that the OP analyse the expenses in a three column format - to see if this is a percieved issue or if it is a real issue.

The concept of 'I carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you and fed and changed you while you were a baby, and housed you for 35 years so you owe me' is a little selfish in my opinion. There is an answer to that one - your child is the one that will be deciding what nursing home cares for you and/or whether your machine that is keeping you alive stays plugged in. Do you really want your child to recall the time you evicted him/her to live on the streets / care of friends for a few weeks/months until they got a place to rent, or the morning they woke up in that rented hovel with a rat chewing on their toes - and that to be part of the consideration they make in choosing your health care?

A child is not a plaything or just for Christmas. It is a life long commitment - not a 18 year financial investment! That 'role in the hay' and a few minutes of ectasy lasts your lifetime, plus theirs.

 

[LittleAndAlone]

The concept of 'I carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you and fed and changed you while you were a baby, and housed you for 35 years so you owe me' is a little selfish in my opinion. There is an answer to that one - your child is the one that will be deciding what nursing home cares for you and/or whether your machine that is keeping you alive stays plugged in. Do you really want your child to recall the time you evicted him/her to live on the streets / care of friends for a few weeks/months until they got a place to rent, or the morning they woke up in that rented hovel with a rat chewing on their toes - and that to be part of the consideration they make in choosing your health care?

A child is not a plaything or just for Christmas. It is a life long commitment - not a 18 year financial investment! That 'role in the hay' and a few minutes of ectasy lasts your lifetime, plus theirs.

35 years is excessive and should be contributing to living expenses. But my usual response to these points is "I didn't force you to take your pants off and have a orgasm you chose that entirely on your own".

It's selfish to me to bring a kid you weren't ready for or didn't want into poverty, hardly interact with them, resent them for 'ruining your life', and then leverage them as a resource when they are able. All because you can't control yourself and are addicted to some tickles you could have achieved solo.