Husband is into stuff

[sbmccue]

His infantilism likely isn’t a ‘fetish,’ which is an attraction. Instead, your husband has a compulsion - something about which he likely feels extraordinary shame and guilt. I imagine having a ‘real’ baby in the house who genuinely needs care - the same care your husband also wants - only serves to make his shame and guilt worse.

if he’s unwilling to discuss his compulsion with you, there’s not much your rational adult persona can do. For the moment, you need to focus on yourself and do whatever is necessary to avoid slipping down the slippery slope to depression. When you’re emotionally able, try some direct, expedient action … without consulting him or asking if your care Is what he wants or needs.

Perhaps let a day or two go by and then arrange a couple of hours when you can care for him without your child around. Don’t invite discussion; just tell him what you’re going to do together and do it. Requiring your husband to make a decision or enter into a discussion at this point won’t produce any result, so try being the ‘parent’ for a couple of hours and do the best you can to deal with his care needs.

in essence, you’ve been asking him to make a decision to share with you or tell you what he wants; this is about the last thing any psychological infantilist wants to do. You’re a mother; for a brief period of time, you need to ’see’ him as a baby or a toddler and just provide the care he needs. You don’t ask your baby’s permission to be a parent; similarly, you don’t need to ask your husband’s permission to ‘baby’ him. You will likely feel embarrassed, silly, and put upon, all of which is normal. Work through all that for a couple of hours and focus on the ‘baby care interlude’ your husband wants to experience.

i know this sounds very one-sided, and it is. Unfortunately, none of your needs are going to be satisfied until this little caregiving interlude takes place. Sometimes, you have to take a step or two backward before you can begin to move forward again.

For many of us, having an ‘adult’ discussion about what we want or need just isn’t possible. Psychological infantilism is a crossroads; talking about it with your Significant Other opens up more raw emotion than we can handle, and we shut down. I suspect this is what is happening to your husband. He cannot ask you for what he wants or needs. Try taking the caregiver lead for a couple of hours and see how he responds. If you have to ask him what he wants or how he feels, you’ll likely do your relationship more harm than good.

 

[Marting]

Just read this post. When I read it I've started to really panic. When I first found out about chat bots, I looked at a carer one on character AI and interacted a bit for a couple of days. I found the idea of a mummy bot really interesting and I didn't really know about AI chat bots. After I'd interacted a bit I talked to my wife about them in general and she said that it would be weird to interact with one. I stopped interacting after that. But now I've read this post I'm scared that me I terati G with one is like cheating and I feel really bad. I have bad ocd so don't want this to become another major obsession. Was it bad of me?

 

[VanillaWife]

Just read this post. When I read it I've started to really panic. When I first found out about chat bots, I looked at a carer one on character AI and interacted a bit for a couple of days. I found the idea of a mummy bot really interesting and I didn't really know about AI chat bots. After I'd interacted a bit I talked to my wife about them in general and she said that it would be weird to interact with one. I stopped interacting after that. But now I've read this post I'm scared that me I terati G with one is like cheating and I feel really bad. I have bad ocd so don't want this to become another major obsession. Was it bad of me?

I explain you why it felt like cheating to me. My husband knows that he can talk to me about his DL life and he knows I fully accept and motivate him to explore it as much as he needs to. That means, if he would openly talk about it (like you did) and explain me why is he doing this, I would not freak out and I would accept whatever it is he is doing.
Problem is, he hides it, I see messages appearing, he cancel the whole thing and then he dowloades it again. For me is this "hiding it" that feels like cheating. Is this feeling of not trusting me enough to talk about the things he is exploring that feels like cheating. Is searching for other people that feels like cheating and the feeling that even if I am so open minded and accepting about all of it, still is not enough.
So no, you shouldn't feel like you have done something bad. You talked about it openly with you loved one and stop afterwards. No need to obsess, just communicate❤

 

[Marting]

I explain you why it felt like cheating to me. My husband knows that he can talk to me about his DL life and he knows I fully accept and motivate him to explore it as much as he needs to. That means, if he would openly talk about it (like you did) and explain me why is he doing this, I would not freak out and I would accept whatever it is he is doing.
Problem is, he hides it, I see messages appearing, he cancel the whole thing and then he dowloades it again. For me is this "hiding it" that feels like cheating. Is this feeling of not trusting me enough to talk about the things he is exploring that feels like cheating. Is searching for other people that feels like cheating and the feeling that even if I am so open minded and accepting about all of it, still is not enough.
So no, you shouldn't feel like you have done something bad. You talked about it openly with you loved one and stop afterwards. No need to obsess, just communicate❤

Thank you. I didn't say I tried it I don't think. Just talked about it in general. But when I found out she wouldn't like it I stopped. I'm sorry things are so tough with you and your husband at the moment. I really hope he starts to be more open with you.

 

[ILuvDiapers]

Hello everyone,

It is very difficult for me to talk about this. I have no support group and not a friend I can open up about this situation.

My husband opened up with me, after couple of years we are together and expecting a child, that he is into ABDL and he was hiding his stash all the time. I accepted this openly and tried to "mommy" him and make him feel comfortable around me. He did, we bought stuff together for him, he wears it all the time and says he feels accepted.

However I noticed he did couple of secret accounts, searched explicitly for "mommies" to diaper him and created an account with an artificial intelligence app to make sexy talk as an ABDL. He said he is not into messing, but in this way he started exploring the messing part. He is doing that in secret, I noticed with some random messagess from the app that appeared on his phone. He surely deleted everything.

We are not sexually active, at least since we got a child, and his responce is that he is tired and so on. I am trying really hard to fullfill his desires, I feel cheated on in a way, I feel sad and I can't do much about it. My needs are not being met, I tried talking with him about it but I always get the same responce. I just can't understand...someone who can get aroused with AI sexy talk but can't get aroused around his wife...what am I doing wrong? Where did I fail?

I am trying so hard to put myself together. I have no one I can open up with, no one to talk. I want my family to be happy but everything I see is a big failure.

I apologize for this long text, it just felt good for once putting everything in words. I feel really empty at the moment.

I wish you all the luck and love in this world, everyone deserves it.

Reading this saddens me a lot. I really think your husband needs to prioritise both your needs and that of your child over and above his ABDL desires. I am always accepting of everyones needs, but i feel like despite your attempts to support your husbands ABDL side he is still keeping things secret from you.

I really don't know how an AI generated mommy could ever be a suitable substitute for a caring and loving wife. I really hope your husband sees the hurt he is causing you, and starts to treat you with more respect, than he currently is.

He has responsibilities now which he needs to put beyond his own, or at the very least work with you, rather than behind your back in a secretive manner.

Hope things improve for you all.

 

[Bearcatz]

Is searching for other people that feels like cheating and the feeling that even if I am so open minded and accepting about all of it, still is not enough.

That's the part that really raises a red flag for me.

You could say, ABDL is a very selfish thing. As mostly a diaper *lover*, I love wearing diapers and feel like I need to for my own mental health. But sometimes I *love* my diaper... if you get what I mean. However, I'm old enough to realize that don't need someone else involved because again... it's a selfish thing. Whenever I find myself a Mrs. Bearcatz though (one day), I'd love to have normal or sometimes kinky sex most of the time. But, otherwise fill the responsibilities of a normal husband. It's just an extra thing, not an excuse to break the otherwise normal rules.

The way he's acting does sound like cheating, honestly. You are essentially the holy grail of a wife, so something else is going on.

 

[mammalun]

I don't know

Thank you everyone for the warmth and the understanding you all are showing me. I am in this situation right now, when I try to start a conversation with my husband he reacts in a defensive way and gaslights. I am trying hard having a conversation with him, but he keeps hiding the fact he needs more than I could ever give him. But thing is I can give a lot more, but I am starting to think maybe I am just not the right person or the "mommy" he imagines and what his fetish needs. So that is why he can't find satisfaction around me.
Now it's Christmas, I thought we will get along, but wrong was I. I feel isolated, my sadness is getting worse, I can't find happiness in the daily things. And I know there is therapy, there is counseling. But right now I am feeling so stuck and worthless I am asking myself just where did all go wrong. I have to put myself together for my child and be strong when all I really want is to disappear. I am sorry guys for such a message, like I said I have no support group in my real life, and maybe that's what makes everything more difficult. All I can do is write here to get a minute of relief from the daily struggles, I know it can be worse but right now I feel I reached the end point.

I hope you are having a lovely Christmas with your loved ones, getting so much love and happiness. That is the most valuable thing to have.

If there is one thing I know about it's being stuck with a new baby in a relationship with someone gaslighting you. Ignore the ABDL thing. That's a secondary issue here as far as I can see. If he is refusing to communicate and is going down the gaslighting route there is only one way this is going to end up, and it won't be nice for you or anyone else involved. You simply cannot reason with someone who uses that technique. He sounds like he has issues that go far beyond the ABDL thing. Couples therapy is a great suggestion, but I'm a bit sceptical of its efficacy when one partner is of the gaslighting variety. For therapy to work you need to be really honest, and it doesn't sound like he is going to be.

Obviously I only have your side of the story but my instincts, based on my experiences of a similar situation, tell me you need to run away fast. You are not getting your needs met and he is giving indications that he has no intention of meeting your needs. Cut your loses and go find someone who deserves you. (yes, it will be hard but it will be a lot easier than staying with someone who does not reciprocate your love and actively tries to undermine you as a person)

 

[Anemone]

I explain you why it felt like cheating to me. My husband knows that he can talk to me about his DL life and he knows I fully accept and motivate him to explore it as much as he needs to. That means, if he would openly talk about it (like you did) and explain me why is he doing this, I would not freak out and I would accept whatever it is he is doing.

Sbmccue has said a great deal that I would like to echo but I'll not reiterate as his articulate and well thought out response more than stands on its own merit.

Instead I'll just focus on the above:

My intuition, backed up by some quite profound personal experience, tells me that he is likely struggling with cognitive dissonance. Of course I may be projecting my own self onto the situation so please don't take my impression without critique.

I think you are right that he knows he can tell you and that you are very much accepting but, on the evidence, his feelings don't match.

If, for example, shame makes him feel that what he wants is ultimately unacceptable he will remain unable to communicate for fear of accelerating your coming to the same conclusion.

He may even have convinced himself, by way of cognitive distortion, that in sneaking around he is sparing you from having to engage with something he regards as unacceptable and maybe even feels he will be better able to meet your needs if his are met in this way.

This is obviously faulty reasoning but it is very likely he is not operating on a rational basis.

None of this is your fault, if anything your efforts have allowed the problem to come to light before it escalated further. This is very encouraging from the point of view of making things right.

If my inferences are anywhere near correct then this situation really will require professional input - no loving and invested partner can provide the forum which an impartial third party facilitates.

 

[DLBIG]

If you cant get help here, this might be a good resource for you: https://thediaperdoctor.com/dr-rhoda-mental-health-and-sexuality-expert/

Dr. Rhoda is considered "the" expert on AB/DL and relationships. Her site says she offers a free 20 minute session to see if she can help. She sees her clients online so you dont have to leave your house.

I was reading all the posts, and had that book in mind the whole time.

This is certainly a great book to read, both partners should read it. And if you ever decide to consult, I think you should, I would certainly go to Dr. Rhoda. Not just any therapists can help, Dr. Rhoda saw and worked with hundreds of ABDL.

Good luck

 

[Anemone]

I was reading all the posts, and had that book in mind the whole time.

This is certainly a great book to read, both partners should read it. And if you ever decide to consult, I think you should, I would certainly go to Dr. Rhoda. Not just any therapists can help, Dr. Rhoda saw and worked with hundreds of ABDL.

Good luck

Not to dismiss her at all but we really shouldn't put her up on a pedestal.

Any, properly qualified, therapist or counsellor can help. It is nice to have someone with a particular professional interest in ABDL out there but that isn't the only or even most important factor to consider.

Personally I did a great deal of work with a counsellor who specialises in sexuality and addiction-compulsion. They had no prior knowledge of ABDL but there was no need for me to fill in the blanks as the specifics were generally irrelevant. The underlying causes of my problems were addressed and my attitude towards ABDL amongst other things improved as a consequence, without having to focus on the superficial.

By all means I believe that she does good work, don't get me wrong, but so do lots of people and gravitating towards a personality is intrinsically problematic.

 

[ianwee]

I have read your posts and the replies that people have sent you. I genuinely do feel so sad or you, and I want to reinforce everything that other people have said - that the way your husband has behaved is his responsibility, and not in any way your fault.or through any deficiency of yours! You may decide to follow the advice some people have given and seek counselling for yourself and your husband, but whether this is successful will depend to a large extent on whether he is willing (and able) to engage and fully cooperate in that process. From what you say, I fear that he might not be able to commit to confronting his own behaviour, and he may not be able to contemplate the idea of making real changes in his attitude towards you as his wife. You say that you previously accepted his abdl side, but he has still gone behind your back. This might indicate either that he simply doesn't want you to have any involvement in this side of his life, or that he feels guilty about his behaviour and is not willing/able to change it.

I can only hope that your husband is willing and able to 'change' in a true sense - and that he has the motivation and sense to see that it is he who needs to change in order to save his marriage; that his marriage is worth saving; and that he wants to save it. To a large extent these decisions are his to make

It may well turn out to be that the only way out of this situation for you will turn out to be separation from him, so that you can lead your own life with your child without the constant worry about his behaviour and attitude. I don't imagine that you would consider this step lightly, and you may, of course, feel this is a step-too-far for you, especially if you are dependent on him for your own (and your child's) safety and financial security. That will be a really difficult decision, but one that you might have to make.

I have founbd ADISC to be a friendly, supportive and unfderstanding community of people, and whatever course of action you may decide do take, I am confident that you will always have the support of the people here who have responded to your post. I (and they) would support you with whatever decision you reach, and be there for you if and when you needed further advice or support.

I hope things work out well for you (and for your husband too). Good luck.

 

[Rescue]

I feel horribly for your situation. Hope it gets resolved soon.

Ill skip right to the point - what are his needs that you are unable to meet so far, or that he feels you cant meet? You had mentioned you have alot more to give but maybe he just does not know it yet if I am reading correctly.

Is he looking for you to change him? Is that a hard limit or is there middle ground to compromise on, maybe you can diaper him into a fresh diaper but hes responsible for changing wet ones? maybe your ok changing wet ones and he just doesnt know it yet?

Maybe totally surprise him, catch him off guard. If you know hes not wearing yet, grab some supplies, go find him and tell him its time to get changed; if thats not a hard limit of yours. Maybe he just doesn't believe yet ?

 

[Davvyboy]

What a lovely, candid and open text that is.
Sorry for your troubles.

Hello everyone,

It is very difficult for me to talk about this. I have no support group and not a friend I can open up about this situation.

My husband opened up with me, after couple of years we are together and expecting a child, that he is into ABDL and he was hiding his stash all the time. I accepted this openly and tried to "mommy" him and make him feel comfortable around me. He did, we bought stuff together for him, he wears it all the time and says he feels accepted.

However I noticed he did couple of secret accounts, searched explicitly for "mommies" to diaper him and created an account with an artificial intelligence app to make sexy talk as an ABDL. He said he is not into messing, but in this way he started exploring the messing part. He is doing that in secret, I noticed with some random messagess from the app that appeared on his phone. He surely deleted everything.

We are not sexually active, at least since we got a child, and his responce is that he is tired and so on. I am trying really hard to fullfill his desires, I feel cheated on in a way, I feel sad and I can't do much about it. My needs are not being met, I tried talking with him about it but I always get the same responce. I just can't understand...someone who can get aroused with AI sexy talk but can't get aroused around his wife...what am I doing wrong? Where did I fail?

I am trying so hard to put myself together. I have no one I can open up with, no one to talk. I want my family to be happy but everything I see is a big failure.

I apologize for this long text, it just felt good for once putting everything in words. I feel really empty at the moment.

I wish you all the luck and love in this world, everyone deserves it.

I hid my DL side from my ex wife for 25years.
I loved her very much but the DL side is enormously powerful.
You seem a lovely, understanding lady.
Good luck with everything

 

[DistortedWolf]

I'm so sorry you feel so alone and isolated. I would strongly suggest that you seek out self therapy if only to have a real life person to talk to about these issues. He may never come around and that is sad. However you can still find happiness and a healthy relationship, even if it's with somebody else. Fight for yourself and what you and your child both deserve. I wonder if he could even be a healthy father figure at this point. We will always be here for support if you need it but therapy for yourself could make a huge difference. I wish you luck, love, and happiness VanillaWife.

 

[enigmatic]

Hello everyone,

It is very difficult for me to talk about this. I have no support group and not a friend I can open up about this situation.

My husband opened up with me, after couple of years we are together and expecting a child, that he is into ABDL and he was hiding his stash all the time. I accepted this openly and tried to "mommy" him and make him feel comfortable around me. He did, we bought stuff together for him, he wears it all the time and says he feels accepted.

However I noticed he did couple of secret accounts, searched explicitly for "mommies" to diaper him and created an account with an artificial intelligence app to make sexy talk as an ABDL. He said he is not into messing, but in this way he started exploring the messing part. He is doing that in secret, I noticed with some random messagess from the app that appeared on his phone. He surely deleted everything.

We are not sexually active, at least since we got a child, and his responce is that he is tired and so on. I am trying really hard to fullfill his desires, I feel cheated on in a way, I feel sad and I can't do much about it. My needs are not being met, I tried talking with him about it but I always get the same responce. I just can't understand...someone who can get aroused with AI sexy talk but can't get aroused around his wife...what am I doing wrong? Where did I fail?

I am trying so hard to put myself together. I have no one I can open up with, no one to talk. I want my family to be happy but everything I see is a big failure.

I apologize for this long text, it just felt good for once putting everything in words. I feel really empty at the moment.

I wish you all the luck and love in this world, everyone deserves it.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You deserve to be loved and for your needs to be met.

I didn't seek out AI to mommy me but yours/his story sounds similar to mine and my wife's. My gut tells me, even though he's told you he feels accepted and it sounds like you've done a lot to allow him to be comfortable, he's either holding something back or he doesn't feel comfortable. My issue was simply about messing in front of my wife and having her change me.

I think it's all in his head but my guess is he's still feeling insecure. Like I said, that's not on you, unfortunately ABDL are naturally insecure.

I would talk to him and really talk to him and find out what he wants. That will make him feel closer to you and you two can find out what you both need to make each other happy.

You're welcome to reach out to me. Your situation sounds very similar and it can be overcome if he'll come to the table as well.

 

[Subtlerustle]

@VanillaWife i will add my concern and wishes for a better outcome. Some great advice has already been imparted from a caring community. This is where we do our best work.
My big take away here is that he is hiding likely out of shame and while that may garner sympathy from a kind wife like you it’s no excuse to gaslight or abuse his good fortune. Gaslighting is such a destructive behaviour and to me represents a person lying to themselves. Maybe he’s not a selfish person by nature but is succumbing to what appears to have reached an unhealthy obsession. He sounds like he’s in so deep that your needs are no where on his radar. As others have said this is not a problem you’re responsible for. Counselling is likely needed but I don’t know how you convince him that this has reached a point of a major crisis that needs immediate attention.

 

[qwertyqwerty]

May I ask what age group/bracket you are in ? We are in the exact same situation as you guys.

 

[mayhem]

He did, we bought stuff together for him, he wears it all the time and says he feels accepted.

What does he do for you in return?

However I noticed he did couple of secret accounts, searched explicitly for "mommies" to diaper him and created an account with an artificial intelligence app to make sexy talk as an ABDL. He said he is not into messing, but in this way he started exploring the messing part. He is doing that in secret, I noticed with some random messagess from the app that appeared on his phone. He surely deleted everything.

He isn't being honest and upfront with you. I don't give a shit if someone else says different, that is a simple fact. He may be scared to lose you by being honest and possibly scared that you won't participate in his desires. But again, what does he do in return to satisfy your needs and wants?

We are not sexually active, at least since we got a child,

That eight there could be the key to your problem. Ask yourself why that is and why you're both no longer sexually active. Then ask him. Stop being afraid and confront him about all of this. I know it's difficult. I know you'll think of a hundred things you wanted to say but didn't think of at the time. That is just how a relationship works.

I am trying really hard to fullfill his desires, I feel cheated on in a way, I feel sad and I can't do much about it.

I do not blame you at all. However, there is everything you can do about it and renew the stary eyed feelings. Sit him down and have a talk with him. Ask him to be completely transparent and let him know (through obvious evidence), that you are supportive, but that you also have needs, wants, and desires.

My needs are not being met, I tried talking with him about it but I always get the same responce.

What are your needs? If he cannot compromise now, what makes you believe or think he ever will?

I just can't understand...someone who can get aroused with AI sexy talk but can't get aroused around his wife...what am I doing wrong? Where did I fail?

You did not fail. He has. Your husband has unmarked desires that he has not shared with you. He lives in a self-centric universe and from what you have stated cannot be bothered by others. Most of us would sell their vital organs to have a partner as accepting as you have displayed.

I am trying so hard to put myself together. I have no one I can open up with, no one to talk. I want my family to be happy but everything I see is a big failure.

Almost everyone falls apart with such challenges. If you need an open ear and a neutral stance, you can message me at any time. I'm not on here often but I can give you advice to the best of my ability. Love is never easy. Love is work. Love is a job. Love is something that evolves, changes, morphs, et cetera, as time passes. But love is always love. I think you both have to be completely honest with each other. Open up, let it all out (and don't even think of how it might hurt your partner), and be 100% upfront. Even if he isn't 100% honest, at least you will be and he will then know where he stands and what the boundaries are.

 

[User74975]

Hello everyone,

It is very difficult for me to talk about this. I have no support group and not a friend I can open up about this situation.

My husband opened up with me, after couple of years we are together and expecting a child, that he is into ABDL and he was hiding his stash all the time. I accepted this openly and tried to "mommy" him and make him feel comfortable around me. He did, we bought stuff together for him, he wears it all the time and says he feels accepted.

However I noticed he did couple of secret accounts, searched explicitly for "mommies" to diaper him and created an account with an artificial intelligence app to make sexy talk as an ABDL. He said he is not into messing, but in this way he started exploring the messing part. He is doing that in secret, I noticed with some random messagess from the app that appeared on his phone. He surely deleted everything.

We are not sexually active, at least since we got a child, and his responce is that he is tired and so on. I am trying really hard to fullfill his desires, I feel cheated on in a way, I feel sad and I can't do much about it. My needs are not being met, I tried talking with him about it but I always get the same responce. I just can't understand...someone who can get aroused with AI sexy talk but can't get aroused around his wife...what am I doing wrong? Where did I fail?

I am trying so hard to put myself together. I have no one I can open up with, no one to talk. I want my family to be happy but everything I see is a big failure.

I apologize for this long text, it just felt good for once putting everything in words. I feel really empty at the moment.

I wish you all the luck and love in this world, everyone deserves it.

What i can say is ' porn' can be addictive... as its 'sexual thrills' on your terms, played out to a script.. He needs to be honest with you , and tell you what it is he really wants, and you need to hear it, even if its something you cant do - It could be that he has been festering fantasies and the AI is kind of meeting to that , like a kind of short term fix, but long term he needs to move away from fantasy to a real person. Unless he was to pay for a professional , then he needs to comunicate with you what interests him about the A.i and the persons you think he has been corisponding with... as it might help you to understand what his needs/thrills are.. again it might not be something that you want to do.
I couldnt talk to my last partner for two reasons..
1- i got alot going on in my head that i was trying to come to terms with and deal with
2- she wouldnt have been open to the idea ( i know this because many years later i dropped a comment about wearing diapers and they were horrified and asked if i was into that in a ' OMG that is very wrong' way.

But seeing as you have been very accommodating, if it were me i would be greatful for that and try to repay tat gratitude to you. But if there was other things i was interested in, then knowing you had been ok with what i had said, i would kind a way to talk about it, in a way that 'lays the cards out ' but not in a way of' this is how it must be'.
i feel sad to read your post i hope he opens up to you, you might end up having to kind of confront him , in a way , ' i know you do more stuff without me' why cant you tell/share with me??... i guess???...

 

[Woncrinklz]

What i can say is ' porn' can be addictive... as its 'sexual thrills' on your terms, played out to a script.. He needs to be honest with you , and tell you what it is he really wants, and you need to hear it, even if its something you cant do - It could be that he has been festering fantasies and the AI is kind of meeting to that , like a kind of short term fix, but long term he needs to move away from fantasy to a real person. Unless he was to pay for a professional , then he needs to comunicate with you what interests him about the A.i and the persons you think he has been corisponding with... as it might help you to understand what his needs/thrills are.. again it might not be something that you want to do.
I couldnt talk to my last partner for two reasons..
1- i got alot going on in my head that i was trying to come to terms with and deal with
2- she wouldnt have been open to the idea ( i know this because many years later i dropped a comment about wearing diapers and they were horrified and asked if i was into that in a ' OMG that is very wrong' way.

But seeing as you have been very accommodating, if it were me i would be greatful for that and try to repay tat gratitude to you. But if there was other things i was interested in, then knowing you had been ok with what i had said, i would kind a way to talk about it, in a way that 'lays the cards out ' but not in a way of' this is how it must be'.
i feel sad to read your post i hope he opens up to you, you might end up having to kind of confront him , in a way , ' i know you do more stuff without me' why cant you tell/share with me??... i guess???...

Great advice.