How to put it all together - proper mindset

[MrWorried]

It's my first post, so I'd like to welcome everyone in this forum. I'm a man in my 30s. I have a wife and almost 2 kids (1 daughter and one being born soon). In recent month(s) I've experienced multiple bedwetting episodes. Initially once per month but soon escalated to 3-5 times per week. These are not small wettings, but more on a flooding side. I've visited multiple doctors, but so far without major success. We have 2 diagnosis being verified at the moment, but I do not see any improvement.

Initially my wife was very compassionate (she still is), and tried to wake me up when she was going to check on our daughter, but that did not bring any results. Five weeks ago she said "either you wear diapers or sleep in bed in the guests bedroom". I was not too surprised. I had this idea in my mind.. but I just could not do it. I did my research and ordered nighttime diapers. She had to help me in the beginning, as even though I change our baby's diapers, I had no idea how to deal with 4 tapes. Quite humiliating experience. My sleep has improved significantly. I did not experience leaks so far, but... I am seriously affected mentally. I will most likely visit psychologist. I cannot manage the fact that at night I am in diapers... just like my 2 year old daughter. Additionally, my wife sometimes puts me in a diaper (she makes it very enjoyable) after she changes our daughter. There is something in my mind that is pushing me heavily into the "dark side" when I think of it. I am afraid I will not manage to fix my issue & will watch my both kids being fully potty trained. Now comes the question: how did you manage to put it all together mentally? Any tips & recommendations? Thanks

 

[UrgentWees]

Bedwetting = not my fault.
Nappies = medical aid.

If you’re really struggling with wearing nappies to bed you could consider trying a condom catheter and leg bag if you have a penis.

 

[slimjiminy]

I suppose it is more challenging to be facing it in your thirties, so my full sympathies. Even in your sixties, it doesn't sit well mentally at first. You will of course adjust to it in time. My wife likewise told me to wear a diaper after a couple of incidents (no spouse likes to share a wet bed).

I find that the weirdness is keeping this night time part of your life out of your public eye when people visit etc. and shopping for continued needs (I am also IC in daytime but managing with diet and voiding often enough). Then there is the walk of shame of diaper disposal. When we owned our home we always had one very stinky garbage can in the backyard in summer. There are indeed challenges to this but you will adjust as needed. There are folks here who will tell you that you are not alone and offer advise. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Edgewater]

Remember to start an Introduction Thread in the Introduction Forum!!

At 30, I was involved in a serious car crash, plus the resulting post crash surgeries, I became, overnight 24/7 Urine Incontinent (U-IC). That was 45 years ago and that first night home, I was wearing the standard hospital supplied hose and bag set-up. The following morning home, my dear wife was busy changing the bag and the ugly part of that equipment failed. So, our dry bed was wet as was both of us. The following morning she removed the hose and bag and with our baby son's diapers and drug store plastic pants, she diapered me.

The following day, with both of her guys in fresh diapers, we headed out the front door. That first day out and about, I was heavily diapered and only the blind person would not have seen that I was wearing! To my surprise no one noticed or did not care as nothing was said. That was long ago, prior to individuals not being buried in their mobile phones.

My point; It is critical that you accept the reality that you are wearing only at night and you are wearing diapers to assures your dear wife's work load is reduced greatly! You are beyond lucky that your dear wife accepts and loves you deeply! I know because 45 years later, I am still in diapers with two adult children and four grandkids all of who quickly figured out that I wore diapers while they potty trained with ease.

98+% of this is simply accepting the reality that for whatever reason you are wearing diapers and unlike me, only at night. Although to you it is meaningless that there are thousands of individual out there that are faced with the same reality every-night. Yes, it sucks and there in zero logic to you having this happen! Meet with your Medial Team and begin working thru the very long list of possible causes. Commonly, they start with a long list of blood tests, looking at possible organ issues or illness, followed by function tests, followed by trialing different medication, near all will not help or will have side-effects that you will find unacceptable!

Great News, you have a dear wife that loves and will help you!
Good News, you have a large number of folks here that are experiencing the same or worst effects.
Good News, you are experiencing this now and not 45 years ago as the quality of products has improved greatly!

FYI: We have a saying around here: I'm Okay with Wearing Diapers!!

 

[jd34]

Hello, I can understand your question and struggle on how to put it all together mentally. I am also a married man in my 30s with young kids. Two years ago I had a back injury that had a delayed diagnosis that has now left me incontinent wearing diapers 24/7. The mental struggle is probably the hardest part. While my wife and medical providers are the only ones that know of my struggles it is very difficult to accept and hide. After over a year of mentally struggling with this I am seeing a therapist. Some of the best advice I was given was to tell yourself to be proud of how you are handling this. You cannot control your situation but you have to try to control your thoughts. Just as someone who uses an aid to walk or move should be proud of doing what is needed to best work through their situation you should be proud of wearing a diaper. When you wake-up in a wet diaper be proud that made the choice to put on a diaper and handled your situation, laugh it off and move on. Some days are easier than others but be proud you are doing what is needed to manage what is going on and you are still a good husband, father, and man.

 

[lilSorcerer]

Definitely see a psychologist if you have the money to help you find your inner peace. They're the experts, but as a random forum dude I guess I'll try to give some pointers and a different perspective.

I'd look at the diapers no different than a wheelchair for someone without legs; they're simply a medical device that allows you to lead a better life. Incontinence, whether at day or just at night is not a choice, just like other medical issues. What is a choice is deciding whether or not you will use the devices known as diapers to improve your quality of life and your wife's.

All of that may be easier said than done though. Society places so much shame around diapers, conditioned into us as kids, that it can be difficult to overcome. That's where a psychologist may be able to help.

To give some levity to the situation, I'm not even incontinent but choose to wear diapers to bed and wet them every night, and sometimes even during the day, as an ABDL. I do it for fun. My secret to not being ashamed: I don't give a f@#$. That being said, not giving a f@#$ Is a subtle art perfected over the many years of my life.

 

[Seasonedcitizen]

We all are happy that you found us but sad that you had to. Do some research on the IC and Diaper forums and learn how people have coped with their medical issues. A few weeks ago someone mentioned an “incontenance skirt” which is a skirt made from a bed protector material. That and a mattress protector should save your mattress.

There are many people who just have a night time problem.

 

[SparkyDog]

Stress can cause IC
Sounds like you're under a fair bit of stress

have you spoken to your doctor / urologist just to rule out deeper issues?

 

[messydiaper]

What great advice given above.

I started wetting the bed in my late thirties. I have never solved the mystery as to why I can go a night or two dry and then under very similar circumstances, turn right around and wet during sleep five nights in a row. I used to wear Abenas but then I found Rearz Safaris and I love the job they do.

I would encourage you to continue down the medical treatment path to see if something will help you. Don't give up on pursuing a cure.

But be grateful as you are that your spouse is understanding. Best wishes to you!

 

[Bearcatz]

I'm also a guy in my 30's normally wetting a few times a week in my sleep. I don't look forward to explaining any of this to hopefully a potential mrs bearcatz sooner or later.

Sounds like you've got something else stressing you out, but now you're worried more about wetting in your sleep. I can definitely confirm being extremely stressed out makes it drastically worse. Try to find some resolutions there and it could very well just go away on its own.

 

[sledder23]

It's my first post, so I'd like to welcome everyone in this forum. I'm a man in my 30s. I have a wife and almost 2 kids (1 daughter and one being born soon). In recent month(s) I've experienced multiple bedwetting episodes. Initially once per month but soon escalated to 3-5 times per week. These are not small wettings, but more on a flooding side. I've visited multiple doctors, but so far without major success. We have 2 diagnosis being verified at the moment, but I do not see any improvement.

Initially my wife was very compassionate (she still is), and tried to wake me up when she was going to check on our daughter, but that did not bring any results. Five weeks ago she said "either you wear diapers or sleep in bed in the guests bedroom". I was not too surprised. I had this idea in my mind.. but I just could not do it. I did my research and ordered nighttime diapers. She had to help me in the beginning, as even though I change our baby's diapers, I had no idea how to deal with 4 tapes. Quite humiliating experience. My sleep has improved significantly. I did not experience leaks so far, but... I am seriously affected mentally. I will most likely visit psychologist. I cannot manage the fact that at night I am in diapers... just like my 2 year old daughter. Additionally, my wife sometimes puts me in a diaper (she makes it very enjoyable) after she changes our daughter. There is something in my mind that is pushing me heavily into the "dark side" when I think of it. I am afraid I will not manage to fix my issue & will watch my both kids being fully potty trained. Now comes the question: how did you manage to put it all together mentally? Any tips & recommendations? Thanks

I’ve had nighttime bed wetting my whole life. Some of my experiences include wearing diapers at night through high school and college, while visiting my girlfriend and her parents while engaged, and while traveling for business. Imagine having to start wearing diapers in the daytime for urge incontinence (essentially 24/7 now). That’s what I have to do, but I lead a normal life and don’t let it slow me down. I’m ok wearing diapers for a medical condition that I can’t control.

I encourage you to get checked out thoroughly by your doctor to rule out any health issues that can be fixed. I didn’t figure out that I had diabetes related incontinence until 3 years after it set in. Since, I’ve been working to keep healthy habits and manage my health to slow any further progression of my conditions.

Wish you the best, and don’t worry about wearing diapers. They’re just a management tool with no side effects.

 

[Dinotopian2002]

However old we are, everyone thinks they’re ‘too young’ to be incontinent - either night-time only or if it’s a 24/7 thing. Chronic illness put me into diapers 24/7 as a teenager, and this year my 90-year old Gran had to swap her knickers for something more absorbent. Who was too young? We both thought we were at points.

I appreciate it can take some getting used to, but when all’s said and done, a diaper is just more absorbent kind of underwear.

Keep in mind, bladder control doesn’t come easy to everyone, whether it’s due to disability, injury, chronic illness or anxiety, to name a few. There are many different factors which cause people to diaper up - you’re not the only one.

I’m pleased your wife is on board with you diapering up for bed - even if it’s just to save the washing. You may not feel it now but from where I’m sitting, that’s a big plus.

By all means, see a psychologist if it helps, but I’d ask your doctor to get referred to a urologist to get to the root of the issue.

Whatever happens, I’d keep your wife in the loop - nothing better than a hug from a supportive partner when times get tough. If you’re struggling, be honest with her, but never blame her - it’s not her fault.

Above all, go easy on yourself - this isn’t easy to manage - but with the right diaper - and mindset - it gets easier.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002

 

[hbic60]

It's always a challenge, independent of being in your thirties or, like me, in the sixties, to accept getting IC and needing at least diapers to manage this condition in a proper way. First hand it is a medical problem, so it's absolutely right to figure out with your medical team what's behind it and what could be done to improve your condition.

The other point is - and that seems to be where you are struggling - is mentally to accept for yourself that you need to wear protection in the nights until hopefully a medical solution could be figured out. I myself - and many others here in this forum - can confirm you that there is nothing really bad with wearing (and using) diapers, it's somehow only a different kind of underwear which doesn't hurt, when found the right product/absorbency level it is even quite comfortable, doesn't feel wet and all in all gives you very good and restful nights! Even your wife (just like mine and the partners of many here in this forum) seems not to have any issues with your need of different underwear. My wife always not only told but also showed me actively that I stay exactly the same person for her and she doesn't look any different on me, no matter if I wear diapers or not. Exactly this gave me the self-confidence to accept for myself that I don't have to feel anyhow ashamed or embarrassed for my need of diapers - it simply became normal for us and is fully integrated in our regular daily (and nightly) lives and does not prevent us from anything we like to do.

It's easy to say (and difficult to do) that you should keep your head up and try to accept (and hopefully improve) your condition. Maybe it's a longer path until you are, like most of us IC folks, in the "DOK = Diapers are OK" status. Try to accept and embrace what you cannot change and give power to those things which you can change! Rely on and grow with your loving family, go through it together, if you do: this can also enhance your marriage to a new level!

 

[KechoDrips]

I went through a similar thing this past summer but I hopped on the diaper train pretty quick. Took me 3 nights of waking up wet to decide that anything was better than that. I still struggle with feeling insecure about wearing them but I know what the consequences are for not wearing them. Wearing diapers to bed is like most things in life, people who know about it probably don't care and probably spend zero time thinking about it.

Try to make a bedtime routine and with time, stuff just becomes normal. I've been wearing every night for 5 months now and I don't remember what it was like to go to bed without diapers or what it felt like to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

 

[EcoIncon]

@MrWorried... I am so sorry you are going through this. There's been a lot of good advice given above - I'll try not to repeat.

I myself started dealing with accidents in my 20s so I understand how wrong it feels to be back there at such a young age. I've dealt with this almost 30 years and at times it's hard to remember how I got through it. There's no doubt it's a big deal and has shaped who I am. So I'll just give you some of the positives that have come out of it for me:
1. I am far more understanding of people with disabilities than I was
2. I was much more patient than my wife with our 8 year old daughter who was still dealing with bedwetting. that helped.
3. I have a greater tendency to "honor the struggle"
4. This challenge has brought me together with some great people on this board and IRL

Get a psychiatrist, talk sincerely with your wife, hopefully get some positive medical answers... do whatever it takes... you will get through it.

 

[MrWorried]

Thank you so much for all your helpful answers. I truly appreciate each and every answer.

To follow up on questions regarding stress: I do have stress from time to time, but it's not even close to what I used to get. Thus, I would not consider it a factor this time.

I'm in regular contact with my urologist and I have started my journey with psychologist. Let's see if we can figure it out.

I am also forever thankful to my wife for normalizing it to me.