Heart to heart with wife

[Howwedoin]

My apologies for the long story. I separated myself from my family (parents/brother) because it was easier to step away than deal with their BS. My wife is done with intimacy and wants nothing to do with it. (we have 3 teen boys so you can connect the dots!) I've tried everything and reduced my wishes to just let me touch you and I want nothing in return. I help around the house and am a very loving, helpful husband. It's frustrating because it's been over a year since we've done anything intimate and before that, it was almost a year! We're in our early 40s and have been married almost 20 years! I keep telling her I am not old and don't want to give up.

I have been into diapers all my life. I brought it to her attention many years ago but this past year & a half I have been wearing to bed every night. I have found it to be a very good stress reliever and have found it to be a great way to take my mind off wanting intimacy after being rejected so many times. It's more of a comfort or a distraction.

Now to the reason for this post. Over Christmas some things were said by her mom to other family members about her that are not true. My wife was very angry and has been angry at her mother for a while. Anywho, I felt like she was feeling like she wasn't loved anymore.

I had some supportive words for her when she woke up Saturday morning and it ended up about diapers. I told her that she is loved and that she focuses too much on the negative people away from her and should look back at the person who loves her and always does (ME!). I explained how there is a time when people was loved unconditionally and explained how she showed love to our kids in a different way when they were babies and toddlers. Every time I put a diaper on, I get that feeling of comfort, security and calmness. She commented that she started to feel like that's why I was wearing more. We have a need to be wanted and loved and I want to restore that feeling with her. I told her that I feel like she doesn't feel loved right now. I assured her I wouldn't make it weird and would like to put a diaper on her and cuddle her to go to sleep. I explained that it would be an hour minimum and would like her to just try it and allow me to take control and make her feel like I'm taking care of her.

I explained how getting rejected when I'm asking for intimacy makes me feel and how wearing a diaper helps me cope and mentioned that I would even be open to her asking if I had my diaper on at bed time. Even showed her how she could ask and assured her that it doesn't have to be weird or gross. It's a loving gesture in my opinion. When we went to bed two nights after, I had my diaper on but nothing was mentioned but I did tell her that I think I'm going to go to bed when she does. We cuddled a little bit then rolled over and went to sleep. No mention of the diaper which is fine. This morning, she did ask if I slept better and I said I somewhat did and thanked her for cuddling with me.

I don't know where this post is going but it's open to suggestions, conversation and your own experience.

 

[Forced]

I’ve always found that when the intimacy In my relationships decreases, that I want to wear nappies more.

It probably a catch 22 situation because the more I wear the less likely there would be more adult time in bed.

How to navigate this, who knows, it certainly ended my previous relationship, maybe it’ll happen again, but if it does I will move on and try find someone who’s happy with both aspects of my personality.

As I always say, life is way too short to be unhappy

 

[warmfeeling]

My apologies for the long story. I separated myself from my family (parents/brother) because it was easier to step away than deal with their BS. My wife is done with intimacy and wants nothing to do with it. (we have 3 teen boys so you can connect the dots!) I've tried everything and reduced my wishes to just let me touch you and I want nothing in return. I help around the house and am a very loving, helpful husband. It's frustrating because it's been over a year since we've done anything intimate and before that, it was almost a year! We're in our early 40s and have been married almost 20 years! I keep telling her I am not old and don't want to give up.

I have been into diapers all my life. I brought it to her attention many years ago but this past year & a half I have been wearing to bed every night. I have found it to be a very good stress reliever and have found it to be a great way to take my mind off wanting intimacy after being rejected so many times. It's more of a comfort or a distraction.

Now to the reason for this post. Over Christmas some things were said by her mom to other family members about her that are not true. My wife was very angry and has been angry at her mother for a while. Anywho, I felt like she was feeling like she wasn't loved anymore.

I had some supportive words for her when she woke up Saturday morning and it ended up about diapers. I told her that she is loved and that she focuses too much on the negative people away from her and should look back at the person who loves her and always does (ME!). I explained how there is a time when people was loved unconditionally and explained how she showed love to our kids in a different way when they were babies and toddlers. Every time I put a diaper on, I get that feeling of comfort, security and calmness. She commented that she started to feel like that's why I was wearing more. We have a need to be wanted and loved and I want to restore that feeling with her. I told her that I feel like she doesn't feel loved right now. I assured her I wouldn't make it weird and would like to put a diaper on her and cuddle her to go to sleep. I explained that it would be an hour minimum and would like her to just try it and allow me to take control and make her feel like I'm taking care of her.

I explained how getting rejected when I'm asking for intimacy makes me feel and how wearing a diaper helps me cope and mentioned that I would even be open to her asking if I had my diaper on at bed time. Even showed her how she could ask and assured her that it doesn't have to be weird or gross. It's a loving gesture in my opinion. When we went to bed two nights after, I had my diaper on but nothing was mentioned but I did tell her that I think I'm going to go to bed when she does. We cuddled a little bit then rolled over and went to sleep. No mention of the diaper which is fine. This morning, she did ask if I slept better and I said I somewhat did and thanked her for cuddling with me.

I don't know where this post is going but it's open to suggestions, conversation and your own experience.

If you don’t need to wear for a reason other than you want to, it is very difficult to get it right and you must respect her feelings as well as your own, if you’re in a relationship where it’s not a problem wearing it’s fine. For anyone not understanding how we feel about nappies it’s very difficult to accept, you can’t make someone like them. I told my wife two years ago, about my love of nappies, she doesn’t want anything to do with it, but doesn’t mind me wearing, I’m more than happy that way, and I like my nappy time on my own, I will only wear when she’s not home, if she came home and I was still wearing a nappy I wouldn’t rush off to get changed, but I do respect her feelings. It can be very difficult. Good luck to you both.

 

[Howwedoin]

The past 4 nights we cuddled because I’m now going to bed on time so we can cuddle and I finally get enough sleep. The past 3 nights, right before I roll over to go to sleep I tell her “I’m going to go sleep now. I have my diaper on so the bed will stay dry.” Her responses have been a supportive ‘that’s good” which, to me is good. I was anticipating a more of a negative-toned response.

Last night when I made the comment about keeping the bed dry, she questioned how we’re going to get rid of the mattress when we buy a new one (hopefully this spring). This one has some stains. I told her that I can bring it to the trash place myself. I also assured her that the new one shouldn’t get any stains because I haven’t had any leaks, at least I haven’t discovered any since I have been wearing every night. I also told her that I’m going to continue wearing every night. She seemed supportive.

I guess my goal is to be comfortable about talking about me wearing diapers and assure her (slowly) that this is ok.

 

[stinkape]

Diapers and Dames , it can be a tricky combination as it seems like most of the time they don’t feel the same way about diapers as we do .
My wife found them somewhat emasculating and felt like they had also taken a spot in our relationship that had left her out , our sex life had always been good but she just felt that as a fetish item to me it was kinda like having a mistress, so to say .
As vanillas I think that maybe our partners can feel this way and when you bring that “mistress to bed with you it could be opening a can of worms that you don’t realize might really bother them .
After 30 yrs with her and 20 yrs of her mowing about my fetish,she can handle things much better now .

Maybe there is a silent message she has been trying to send you that she don’t even fully see herself or is in denial of .
Sometimes actions speak louder than words .

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

I explained how there is a time when people was loved unconditionally and explained how she showed love to our kids in a different way when they were babies and toddlers. Every time I put a diaper on, I get that feeling of comfort, security and calmness. She commented that she started to feel like that's why I was wearing more.

That's a good way to explain it to her. It's not about the diaper, it's about how it makes us feel.

Make sure you're mindful of her feelings though. I understand wanting to wear more when your relationship isn't very intimate, I'm the same way, just try to make sure your wife doesn't feel like you wearing is her fault. It wouldn't be good for her to think "If only I was a better wife my husband wouldn't want to wear diapers", or that you're somehow choosing to seek comfort from diapers instead of her.

It may be hard for her to understand, it was hard for my wife to understand too, but I tried to explain to her that I had been using diapers to comfort myself since was a child and it was a very complex psychological issue that I didn't fully understand either. I told her that it doesn't have to be a choice between diapers or her, and that if she ever wanted to be intimate while I was wearing I would quickly go shower so that I could be with her. I've tried to show her through my actions that wearing diapers puts me in a better emotional state and I'm more able to be there emotionally for her. Whenever I'm wearing around her (usually discretely under my adult clothes) I make sure to be very affectionate and give her lots of hugs.

 

[Howwedoin]

I have to vent!

We’ve been married almost 20 years and have 3 teen boys 12-17. Those stats alone tells you her mental/stress state. The lack of intimacy is really getting to me. She has absolutely NO want to be intimate. She’s more likely to blow dry a freshly painted wall with her mouth than want to do ANYTHING close to romance or want any type of arousal. It’s like there’s nothing there when I ask, no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. When I try to get some type of answer from her about what can I do to help, the answer is always nothing and she has no feelings or wants towards intimacy. Like hoping for wind in your sail in a vacuum.

I have tried not bring it up for months, asked to schedule a time and date, tried when she woke up with simple touching, asked for affection, begged, long hugs. Told her how I miss her, told her that maybe I should find someone that will give me the affection that I’m looking for, told her we should go to counseling.

I recently told her that we’re in our early forties and that maybe we do some sexual things one last time since my parts are still working. And that since there is no more hope, this is it for intimacy and we continue our lives as we have for the past few years as roommates who love each other. (I know probably not the best to make her feel bad but I’m loosing patience)

I am a very loving husband. I cook, clean, care for her and the kids. Do what she asks, never ask her to do anything for me. Always nice to her and do stuff without being asked. I make great money and she is able to work part time and cut hair some evenings for extra money. She controls the remote, I rarely watch sports (don’t make them a priority) and most of all, I’m very respectful to and about her.

Diapers are weirdly helping me feel loved or anchored down from getting pissed from getting rejected with no hope. (Back to my comment about feeling loved/cared for when we were a baby/toddler. Are diapers hurting me?? I don’t know, she says that’s not an issue. I’m frustrated and now trying to build SOMETHING from the bottom up. I’m not old and don’t want to give up. The marriage is great by the way, just no intimacy!

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you really need to feel closer to her and her emotional distance is hurting you.

We’ve been married almost 20 years and have 3 teen boys 12-17. Those stats alone tells you her mental/stress state.

Are your boys badly behaved? Lots of women have teenage sons and still have sex with their husbands. Is that your explanation for why she refuses to be intimate or is that the excuse she gives you?

Told her how I miss her, told her that maybe I should find someone that will give me the affection that I’m looking for, told her we should go to counseling.

How did she react to that? Does she realize the lack of intimacy is a problem? Does she still want to be married to you?

 

[Howwedoin]

Emotionally closer, yes.

The boys are behaved. Aside from the typical teenage boy attitudes, they’re respectful. The middle one has ADD and a clone of me so he takes a lot of energy from us. Him and I get along really well because we’re so alike and I understand him. He’s just busy and needs to be kept occupied. He comes to the cabin with me when I’m working on it. (I’m building our small cabin in the woods)
High school graduation for the oldest in 5 months and working on college is a slight stressor.

She didn’t really react to my comment about finding someone who can give me what I need. She pretty much makes the “yeah” mumble to move on from the subject. She’s not willing to talk about it because she said “there’s nothing to talk about.”

Side note - she is stressed about everything! Sometimes too much. The past heart-to-heart, I explained how there are things in life that happen that are not that big of a deal and that she should let some stuff go. Start looking at the good things and being happy with what she has. Also to start avoiding the negativity and bring back the happy person I fell in love with. I’m pretty sure it’s the unnecessary stress tag at she’s creating in her head.

 

[stinkape]

Wow it almost sounds like she’s being scornful, or perhaps she’s developed some kind of mental issue.
I don’t know ,maybe menopause could have something to do with it . My feelings go out to you , that’s a tough situation to be in .

 

[Howwedoin]

The weird thing is that there’s no hint of resentment, hate, lack of love toward me…. It’s just….done, don’t need it, don’t want it, don’t care about it, no feelings at all. She avoids it any time I bring it up or try to get a spark out of her or even try to talk about it.

I’ve resorted to doing my own thing (diapers for comfort and loving feeling).

 

[Edgewater]

Regarding the mattress! Here in the US, when one buys a new mattress, they take the old one!

I have been 24/7, U-IC for 45 years and it was fair to say that there were a number of stains on our first mattress. Long ago, we started to buy a fully enclosed Plastic Mattress Cover. We buy those that are opaque in color and keep it on the mattress as it vastly easies the clean-up when leaks happen.

Now days, it is far more common to buy and use mattress covers because of Bed Bug Issues and also Flea Problems if you have a Cat or Dog and also to stop the mattress from become full of dried skin that falls off our bodies every night. So, buy TWO, covers, one for the existing mattress and hold the new one for the new mattress!

Problem solved.

I became U-IC a couple of years after our marriage as a result of a car crash and it became a normal part of our life. I am blessed that I have a loving and understanding wife and as a result my being U-IC has not interfered in our relationship.

May your wife and you find happiness!

 

[VanillaWife]

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a situation.
I can tell you my story, and it is really similar just I am the one with no diapers on.
My husband told me he enjoys to wear diapers after couple of years that we were married and expecting a child. I was really open about his fetish, tried to learn about this thema (as you can see I even started an account here to learn more about many aspects of this fetish/stress reliever etc.). I tried many many things, diapered him, cuddled with him, changed him when he was dirty etc.
Problem is he is not showing any sexual interest towards me, in my situation I am the one sexually rejected and he is exploring his "ABDL" life online and with other tools (artificial intelligence). I suppose his fetish got so much between us that he cannot get sexually aroused around me, because he wants to be humiliated from other people.
However coming back to your situation... you are the one feeling rejected, trying to reconnect. That sucks, I know how much it can hurt and make us feel uselees and unloved. As "stinkape" said, Diapers can give a Mistress vibe, maybe you should ask your Wife truly how she feels about them. Mostly it is really not the diapers but the feeling of Rejection in the past. Have you had a period where you were just enjoying diapers and had no sexual interest at all? How did your wife react in such a scenario (when it actually happened)?
Sometimes are unresolved things in the past that make us cold. And someone who felt "abandoned" in the past or felt a lack of intimacy created a big wall to protect himself from feeling hurt again.
Sometimes a therapist would really help, digging in the past to understand where it went wrong.
Sorry for the long text maybe I am not so clear but I hope you can finde peace with your spouse and feel loved. Everyone deserves it!
Take care,
VanillaWife

 

[TheWaddlingDad]

@Howwedoin Sounds like you and I are in the same stage in our lives. I too am married and have been for 17 years, in my forties and have 2 teenagers. Yes, the intimacy can dwindle as we get caught up in the day to day of our busy lives. My wife knows about my diaper interests, and I unfortunately told her late in our relationship. Like after we had 2 kids late. I got lucky and she did not run for the hills like I thought would happen. She even tried them a couple times but was not her thing in the end and I know I must respect her thoughts and feelings. We do still engage in “bedroom” time (without diapers), but it can be very rare, but we are trying to work on it through communication.

Where am I going with this?

Since my wife is not into diapers, I don't think she really has any interest in seeing me in them and I think takes away any sexual desires she may have for me at the time. I am quite sure she would not want me wearing one to bed and so I must respect her boundaries. I cannot force this on her because it is not fair to her. She has her own hobbies and doesn’t force them on me.

Now I don’t need diapers I just like to wear them. However, if I did need a diaper for medical reasons then she would look past me having to wear to bed or otherwise. At the end of the day, she is a very caring person. But I can say wearing to bed because of IC would be a last resort because she would encourage me to do other things to improve my overall health and maybe overcome the IC.

Found this about the keys to a successful marriage:

• Communicate clearly and often. (Most important in my opinion)
• Tell your spouse that you're thankful for having him or her in your life.
• Make time for you two as a couple.
• Plan for some personal time.
• Understand that it's OK to disagree.
• Build trust.
• Learn to forgive.

 

[elaleman]

Your first post really touched a string with me. My wife and I are in an identical spot, just with 4 kids. We almost broke up over that lack of intimacy. Diapers are an issue in our relationship and a source of comfort for me while she is accepting it without enthusiasm. It is very hard for me, but now we are trying to work things out. It's an ongoing journey, but maybe it's a normal thing that after almost 20 years of marriage you have to re-negotiate a relationship. It certainly takes an effort, but I am determined to give it a try and I hope she is, too.

I wish you two all the best. Relationship is work that never ends.

 

[Subtlerustle]

As @VanillaWife pointed out it would be wise to investigate a past unresolved event or trigger. I had this experience myself and as it turns out there was a specific event (non diaper related) that need attention. I had no idea it was still an issue.
Secondly is there a medical issue on her part? Is she on a medication that kills libido? The only issue is getting to the bottom of any marital problem is difficult if communication is poor. Being in a sexual drought is common in that period of marriage though so it’s not insurmountable but I totally get all your emotions. I don’t know how to make solving this problem a priority for her. I don’t believe in games or empty threats and nobody wants mercy sex. Maybe start by seeing a therapist yourself. Ask her to join and if she refuses, go anyway. It will let her know you’re taking next steps and you may also learn something. But as was noted above you should double check to make sure diapers aren’t the intimacy killer.

 

[iwearattends]

Maybe it’s menopause? Hormonal changes…?