Depression is a SOB

[theancientmariner]

If this has to be moved, pease do it for me, as I couldn't find a more suitable place for it.

Been going through internal turmoil like you wouldn't believe. Have no clue what my immediate future holds. I have no privacy at my house, it used to be a place I loved, but it turned into my personal hell, and there I was working for my best friends, driving for Amazon, miserable as could be. Didn't have time to go to the bathroom without them breathing down my neck. Had to call and report when I woke up, when I was on the way to work, when I got my route, when I checked out of Amazon with my freight, and when I was almost done. I smoked a lot of weed throughout my routes to maybe make myself happier, but it was just about useless. I was happy when I smoked, but it was the reality itself that I had to live in that made me so unhappy. So I quit without saying anything. I just left and ghosted them (bad move on my part, I know, but seriously, I had enough. To make you understand my situation, I'd have to explain my entire childhood to make you understand).
I then went to the internet, and found a job I've been doing for the past 2 months that I've wanted to do my whole life. And it may end abruptly. Termination has been hanging over my head stronger and stronger, and it may be the end for me. I've learned a lot about myself here, and I appreciate the captain for showing me who I truly am inside: a mentally challenged useless person. I've never been diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I may be autistic. It's hard coming to terms with myself and knowing who I truly am. I have a hard time completing simple tasks, I get easily distracted, and though I listen with intentions of following orders, my mind sometimes can't comprehend. Those are no traits a fisherman should have. There's no place for people who can't think straight here on the water. It's sad because this is a job I've wanted since I was a young boy. It won't be long before I'm walking back to dry land with all my belongings, going to God knows where in a town thousands of miles from home. I can't fail, but I know my ice is thin. I'll be canned and the only person I'll have to blame is myself. I can't help myself, no matter how hard I try to be better. My spirit is strong, and I have so much pride in my work, but it won't be enough.
I also have mommy issues. My whole life, I have had a mother that never cared about me. She took us away from our dad, and enslaved us to work on her farm while she sat on her throne watching us do it all, rain or shine, and it didn't matter how cold it was, or how tired we were. If the water wasn't up all the way, she would lock us out of the house during summer and make us drink from the muddy hose until she went to bed. She's done way worse than that to my sisters, and one of them only calls her by her 1st name. (deservingly so), and my plan is to talk to her about all the bad she's done, and ask why she did those things, but I have no clue how to do it. I don't even want to talk to her, but I have to. (I'm not asking for advise, just stating facts).
I don't want to take pills because I don't want any drugs. I've tried counseling, but could never find one that was able to help me. So that leaves religion. And I can't be religious because I'm a bad person who takes the lord's name in vain so much, and I have so much hate in my heart. Hate for myself, and resentment towards my mom. How can someone like they deserve Gods love and forgiveness? I used to be happy, and have hope for the future I until I realized I would be alone for the rest of my life. The only reason I'm not a virgin is because escorts exist. I lost it just to lose it. There was no love, no compassion. Only a transaction of cash and fake smiles. There's never been anyone who encouraged me, who told me I can, and will. Only voices that said I won't, I can't , and I'll never. I've tried online dating, but it never went anywhere. I was always ghosted and left alone. I never knew why, so after years of trying, I gave up, and decided to live in solitude. The only safe place I can be. It's been decided that nobody will ever want me, or want to be with me. My life has been tragic, and sad from the very start. How can God give me such a horrible mother? She was supposed to nurture me, care for me, love me, teach me, and be there for me. God trusted her to be a mother, but she neglected us all.
The only form of love I've ever known is from wearing diapers. Sounds weird to find your comfort in a thing made for babies, but when I'm padded, it brings me happiness I can't find anywhere else in this world. My heart wants to be loved, but I can't do it anymore. There isn't anything desirable to me, so I lock myself away, and let the world go on. It's the only I can assure nobody'll make me feel any pain. But I can't. I have to work to afford my shitty place and buy the things I need to stay alive. Why do we have to be slaves to the world? Your whole life, you're a slave. You're a slave to your parents, the school you go to, then you bow down to your boss until you're 67. Then at that point, you have 20 years to live your life, and at that point, your body is worn out from all the straining, and working, you can't do anything anymore. You're all used up. You're useless. That's the life we have to live, and I just don't want to do it. I want to be free. I want freedom from everything. But that's just a childish dream, but what if it's coming from a 35 year old? Dose it still count as a boyish dream then? There hasn't been a point in my life where I was genuinely happy. I've always wanted more. I wanted love, but I never got it. You don't know what it's like to be that guy. So go ahead laugh. Laugh like everybody else has when I left the room. I really don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't want to be part of anything anymore. I don't want to form bonds, don't want to make friends because I've never had any, and I don't want to go to any parties, because no matter how much I tried, I was never enough. I just wanted a place to be accepted, and this is the only place I can talk about things, and be part of something. So this is my happy place. This is where I go to be part of a wonderful community that accepts people and makes everyone feel welcome. It's the only one I have.

 

[SuzetteSissy]

Hi Mr. Mariner. Nice that you can reach out and share. I'd bet that the whole bunch of us here have some damage some place in our pasts. Sometimes we can work round our issues or events shape our lives outside of our control and sometimes we can't. I've had my own therapist blushing and holding his head to the side like a puppy trying to figure me out. lol I'm more than willing to communicate with you and call you my friend, the same goes for every member here. Lean on us or me and if a few words of encouragement help you get up another day, count me in. Besides my stories are all true, funny and sad. When I was 12 I used to sneak out of the house around midnight and search my neighborhood back gardens to steal all the nice lingerie and girdles and plastic pants off the clotheslines. Now that to me was normal, but having my father catch me in the street with armloads of lingerie isn't and led to a lifetime of never being good enough and conversations never being held. So happy to have you lean on me. Suzette

 

[Naughty2yrold]

Hang in there buddy, feel free to chat with me anytime. What’s the saying misery loves company. We can compare horror stories. Maybe tell a couple really stupid jokes. You’re still breathing and that’s a wonderful thing, I’ll listen .

 

[SuzetteSissy]

What's the worst thing to hear when your giving Willy Nelson a blow job..........................................."'Im not Willy Nelson"

 

[Naughty2yrold]

What's the worst thing to hear when your giving Willy Nelson a blow job..........................................."'Im not Willy Nelson"

Kinda streaching that one a little arnt you…….

 

[SuzetteSissy]

no, you said really stupid jokes so I added one lol

 

[Naughty2yrold]

no, you said really stupid jokes so I added one lol

I did! And it was a pun attached to the joke

 

[Diaperman95]

I can commend you for stopping the weed and not wanting drugs. Not saying that prescription drugs can't help some folk but drugs that numb you or give you a false since of euphoric effect are never a good answer. Talking to therapist is great if you can find one you trust to really open up too. If not use this group as a support group as it is. We don't only try to only encourage people about diapers but what is going on in each others life. I speak very open on this forum, maybe to much but everyone as been nothing but supportive. I have a lot of health problems I cant or won't accept just yet and I am in one of the deepest depressions of my life.... But reading others views and stories just like yours make it so much better for me because I know I am not alone. Someone in life has it worse than you and me both and they have often have a far better outlook in life than us. We have members that are quadriplegic and have to depend on others for some of the most simple task. To me it makes my depression feel like a small task. Talk to some of these folks. We have members that have had shitty parents. Share with them.

My mom I loved her but she as not the best mother by any means. I broke my knee in over 6 places in 8th grade. She made me walk on it for 2 weeks before one of her friends seen how bad I was doing and told her to take me to the doctor. The doctor was like is he walking on that? Simple she did not give a choice. Then when the doctor seen how bad it was and placed me in a cast from my mid thigh all the way down, on the ay home she threw pain med script out the window because it had codeine in and believed it was evil. She told me Advil does just as good. My knee is still fucked up. She did other uncool things too. I was a better parent for much of the things my parents did. I am 47 years old and my father still alive has never once told me he loves me. I tell my daughter every day and she is 27.

Life is what you make it. we cant choose are parents. Worrying about tomorrow does nothin but cause stress ulcers, and more depression. Live day for day do not worry about tomorrow. Enjoy your job while you have it, but also try to learn all you can from it and those around you. The more you know and the more you can do the more useful you are to others. Don't let them take advantage of you like Amazon did either. Instead figure out how to take advantage of what ever job you are on. A mans word and his worth ethic is all he has. Do not ruin those things. Use one job for a stepping stool to another. What ever you do give proper notice when you leave and apply yourself 100% as long as you are there. Even if you hate it and the way they treat you. It looks bad when you cant put on a resume what you have been doing the last few years.

I am glad you have a place to vent. PM me anytime if need someone to talk too.

 

[Subtlerustle]

Hang in there @Antientmariner. You have community and respect here. Your posts are always interesting and you’re definitely very articulate. If anything, you may have adhd by the sounds of things. It’s very treatable so please ask a professional. Btw, we’re all flawed, without exception.

 

[theancientmariner]

Hi Mr. Mariner. Nice that you can reach out and share. I'd bet that the whole bunch of us here have some damage some place in our pasts. Sometimes we can work round our issues or events shape our lives outside of our control and sometimes we can't. I've had my own therapist blushing and holding his head to the side like a puppy trying to figure me out. lol I'm more than willing to communicate with you and call you my friend, the same goes for every member here. Lean on us or me and if a few words of encouragement help you get up another day, count me in. Besides my stories are all true, funny and sad. When I was 12 I used to sneak out of the house around midnight and search my neighborhood back gardens to steal all the nice lingerie and girdles and plastic pants off the clotheslines. Now that to me was normal, but having my father catch me in the street with armloads of lingerie isn't and led to a lifetime of never being good enough and conversations never being held. So happy to have you lean on me. Suzette

Thank you Suzette. I guess I just needed to let it out somewhere. These are issues I don't even discuss with my sister or dad. Thank you for being my friend. Actually tbh, everybody here is my friend. I experience more kindness here than anywhere else I've been, including places in person. It's amazing being on the water and working on this boat. I've seen things out here you only see on TV. My crew works with me, but I don't talk to them much. Again, it's me cocooning myself so I don't get hurt, and it's not the adult thing to do. I should find it extremely easy to get along and buddy with people, but I choose not to, simply because I just don't know how. I've never had any real friends before. The people I used to hang with all talked behind my back, and excluded me from gatherings.

 

[theancientmariner]

Hang in there @Antientmariner. You have community and respect here. Your posts are always interesting and you’re definitely very articulate. If anything, you may have adhd by the sounds of things. It’s very treatable so please ask a professional. Btw, we’re all flawed, without exception.

Whatever it is, it hinders my ability to think straight sometimes, and tbh, it's sometimes hard to be focused on one thing when I'm surrounded by such beautiful scenery 247. Haha, not really, but still when we take deliveries, the water is almost crystal clear and we can see just how far down the boats go down, and we can see the white water they make when they fire their engines, and it's amazing to be right there when they jet away, because you can feel the engines rumbling through your whole body when they go full steam ahead and these engines are extremely sexy. Not gonna lie.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. See, this is why I love everyone here, we're all kind to each other, and are uplifting when the time calls for it. I guess that's just what's been missing from my life. Someone who's uplifting. You're a good example of a wonderful contribution to this community here, @Subtlerustle.

 

[Subtlerustle]

Thanks for he kind words too @Antientmariner. Little thing like that make my day. Someone close to me has adhd and what you describe is identical. He takes a medication on an ad hoc basis and it really helps him when concentrating is a must. Just a thought. It also occurs to me you may be judging yourself rather harshly. You have your reasons for cocooning yourself and they’re really not anyone else’s business unless you tell them. That said, you can always mention to a crew member in a quiet moment that historically you’re not much of a talker but you really like the group you work with. I think a little blurb like that can go a long way. People are way more accepting than we think if we just give them a little insight. Hang in there. As a friend once said, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”.