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Hey all, firstly just a warning that this post is going to be long and quite personal so if you do read through it, well done and thanks. I realise I come off as controlling, but please try and be empathetic in your responses. These are very fresh wounds for me
So, I guess the main thing I'm looking for by posting this, is if anyone has dealt with a similar situation, how you dealt with it, any things that helped etc as I'm struggling to find a solution.
Small introduction. I'm Tobi, 25, and I've only had two crushes in my adult life. I'm demisexual which means I don't feel sexual attraction to other people often at all. I'd just like to say that I'm 4 sessions into counselling, so I am getting professional help with this, although it isn't the be all end all (sadly).
Just over a year ago I became daddy to my best friend (let's call him R). I've been friends with R for years and I'd go as far to say we're both best friends with each other. R also has a boyfriend (let's call him F). I've been friends with F for ages and we all get along with each other.
The relationship started off really well and nice. Funnily enough, R used to have a crush on me, back before I was ready to do anything. For one reason or another I found I was able to have sex with him. This is sort of how the relationship began to develop - it surprised us both but we both enjoy(ed) this quite a lot, especially since F wasn't into ABDL at all. In fact sexually they're fairly incompatible. I also helped him reach littlespace for the first time. We had elements of AB, DL; he lived on his own for a bit, which means we were able to try things like diapers 24/7, control over his orgasms, etc. It helped we were/are local as well; I could visit often and we could play and do stuff. It was great.
Back in August this year, he made the leap to move in together with his boyfriend, F. They're renting a place still nearby. Not only that but R finished uni and very soon after got an office job. Round the same time, I suffered some family woes and felt incredibly lonely and left out; R was being a lot more distant than usual due to his busyness. It was upsetting me a lot and when I told him how upset I was, I got a very defensive message of explanation that didn't really help. His bottom line was essentially "I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now; i'll get more free and it'll get better."
I started getting mini anxiety attacks back in September, and overall anxiety about our relationship. I started spiralling into worries about whether he really loved me, when/if he was going to abandon me, etc. It got pretty bad and started creeping into my work and personal life. I read a book on managing and combatting anxiety and it helped deal with this, but I found myself becoming more and more preoccupied about the relationship. This is about when I realised I'd grown a crush on R: The only other time I'd felt this preoccupied about someone was about my first ex, who I left for feeling debilitating anxiety from unmet needs.
This was bad, and I started to feel upset, resentment, even anger over how emotionally unavailable he'd become. I'd be quite defensive online and I felt it pushing us further apart. We could hardly have a conversation before I insisted we spoke about the relationship. He felt overwhelmed and he was regularly unavailable to be present or available to properly talk with things; he's not great with communicating or talking, and this wound me up further. I was also starting to feel jealous when he mentioned spending time outside of work with his coworkers and I really struggled to deal with this feeling without letting it out and I realised this would only push us apart; but even so, it was difficult for me to not lash out.
I decided I needed a break. I realised that i'd become too attached to him, and that my bouts of jealousy were pushing us apart. I was in this weird situation, in that despite us being in some kind of relationship, I wasn't boyfriends with him, so every time I felt I needed his attention I felt bad afterwards for asking for it. He seemed upset about the break and we had a chat the day before the break, it was actually a really productive chat and I felt listened to and heard rather than him being on the defensive back foot. He admitted this as well which was a relief.
I realise a lot of this is my own anxious preoccupied attachment style in full play. The issue is, is that because of him already being in an actual relationship with F, I don't think he is going to be able to meet my needs. I think there is a big difference in what we both consider the relationship to be (and a difference in importance as well).
I'm two weeks into our break and... Honestly I'm still fairly preoccupied with him. It's better; I blocked him on Telegram (where we talk online) which means I can't see when he was last online. This is helping. I'm meant to be messaging him in two week's time with how it's going, but... Part of me seriously fears that I won't be able to do what we used to do without those feelings propping up. What's worse is that I could lose my best friend and that's a scary prospect. Last year we were even considering buying a house together and that's not going to happen any time soon. I'm just not sure what the best course of action is; my fear is if we try this again and I continue to feel like this that it'll be a nail in the coffin for our friendship.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate your advice
So, I guess the main thing I'm looking for by posting this, is if anyone has dealt with a similar situation, how you dealt with it, any things that helped etc as I'm struggling to find a solution.
Small introduction. I'm Tobi, 25, and I've only had two crushes in my adult life. I'm demisexual which means I don't feel sexual attraction to other people often at all. I'd just like to say that I'm 4 sessions into counselling, so I am getting professional help with this, although it isn't the be all end all (sadly).
Just over a year ago I became daddy to my best friend (let's call him R). I've been friends with R for years and I'd go as far to say we're both best friends with each other. R also has a boyfriend (let's call him F). I've been friends with F for ages and we all get along with each other.
The relationship started off really well and nice. Funnily enough, R used to have a crush on me, back before I was ready to do anything. For one reason or another I found I was able to have sex with him. This is sort of how the relationship began to develop - it surprised us both but we both enjoy(ed) this quite a lot, especially since F wasn't into ABDL at all. In fact sexually they're fairly incompatible. I also helped him reach littlespace for the first time. We had elements of AB, DL; he lived on his own for a bit, which means we were able to try things like diapers 24/7, control over his orgasms, etc. It helped we were/are local as well; I could visit often and we could play and do stuff. It was great.
Back in August this year, he made the leap to move in together with his boyfriend, F. They're renting a place still nearby. Not only that but R finished uni and very soon after got an office job. Round the same time, I suffered some family woes and felt incredibly lonely and left out; R was being a lot more distant than usual due to his busyness. It was upsetting me a lot and when I told him how upset I was, I got a very defensive message of explanation that didn't really help. His bottom line was essentially "I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now; i'll get more free and it'll get better."
I started getting mini anxiety attacks back in September, and overall anxiety about our relationship. I started spiralling into worries about whether he really loved me, when/if he was going to abandon me, etc. It got pretty bad and started creeping into my work and personal life. I read a book on managing and combatting anxiety and it helped deal with this, but I found myself becoming more and more preoccupied about the relationship. This is about when I realised I'd grown a crush on R: The only other time I'd felt this preoccupied about someone was about my first ex, who I left for feeling debilitating anxiety from unmet needs.
This was bad, and I started to feel upset, resentment, even anger over how emotionally unavailable he'd become. I'd be quite defensive online and I felt it pushing us further apart. We could hardly have a conversation before I insisted we spoke about the relationship. He felt overwhelmed and he was regularly unavailable to be present or available to properly talk with things; he's not great with communicating or talking, and this wound me up further. I was also starting to feel jealous when he mentioned spending time outside of work with his coworkers and I really struggled to deal with this feeling without letting it out and I realised this would only push us apart; but even so, it was difficult for me to not lash out.
I decided I needed a break. I realised that i'd become too attached to him, and that my bouts of jealousy were pushing us apart. I was in this weird situation, in that despite us being in some kind of relationship, I wasn't boyfriends with him, so every time I felt I needed his attention I felt bad afterwards for asking for it. He seemed upset about the break and we had a chat the day before the break, it was actually a really productive chat and I felt listened to and heard rather than him being on the defensive back foot. He admitted this as well which was a relief.
I realise a lot of this is my own anxious preoccupied attachment style in full play. The issue is, is that because of him already being in an actual relationship with F, I don't think he is going to be able to meet my needs. I think there is a big difference in what we both consider the relationship to be (and a difference in importance as well).
I'm two weeks into our break and... Honestly I'm still fairly preoccupied with him. It's better; I blocked him on Telegram (where we talk online) which means I can't see when he was last online. This is helping. I'm meant to be messaging him in two week's time with how it's going, but... Part of me seriously fears that I won't be able to do what we used to do without those feelings propping up. What's worse is that I could lose my best friend and that's a scary prospect. Last year we were even considering buying a house together and that's not going to happen any time soon. I'm just not sure what the best course of action is; my fear is if we try this again and I continue to feel like this that it'll be a nail in the coffin for our friendship.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate your advice
