Advice for more meaningful conversations with unsupportive SO

[DLwithacause]

Hi everyone

My wife has known I’m a DL for years now. She allows me to wear when she’s not around but we never discuss it - it creeps her out and whilst she gets that it isn’t going away anytime soon she just doesn’t want to think about me in that way etc.

All that is fine and I do my upmost to respect her boundaries, however this week after a few health issues things have took a bit of a turn and we’ve needed to discuss it a bit more.

Without getting into all the details - at the weekend, for the first time ever in my adult life, i experienced a loss of bowel control whilst out walking the dog and had a rather unpleasant accident. Genuinely it wasn’t on purpose- as soon as i realised I wasn’t going to make it home I headed for some woodland but I couldn’t make it in time. Obviously I’m following up with my doctor but in the meantime because this completely freaked me out I’ve asked her if it would be ok if I could wear for protection when out on the walks - not all the time, just if I’m feeling a bit anxious or like my stomach is unsettled etc.

She feels like this is all a bit unnecessary and that it was just a one off but to be fair to her she’s agreed as a temporary measure. However this throws up a few challenges because we have kids at home and she is adamant she doesn’t want to know if I’m wearing and that everything needs to be done discreetly etc.

I’m doing my best but Monday morning before I left the house for the walk I went in to get a nappy from my stash and then later at breakfast she asked “why did you come back in to bedroom before you went out?” My daughter was there so I gave a vague answer about “needing to get something” and she then realised and became quite closed off.

Then last night after coming in from a long drive I went to the bathroom to take off a nappy, put it in the bathroom bin and then removed the bin out of the house so she or the kids didn’t see. Again she asked about the bin- “ why are you taking it out? Was it full? Was it full of my stuff (meaning sanitary towels) etc.” I just said it was to avoid bringing up the nappy and left it at that.

Then finally at bedtime I asked her if I had disturbed her that morning (as I avoided going back in to get a nappy and Just grabbed it to take downstairs whilst I was getting dressed). This was met with “what do you mean by that?” Followed by a “so that’s what you were doing” and then things just got more awkward from there

The thing is - genuinely I’m trying to respect her boundaries but right now I’m not wearing for fun…I’m doing it briefly on the walks purely as a precaution. I’m trying to avoid making it a thing but because we never talk about my DL tendencies - it’s just incredibly awkward

I get she’s uncomfortable and I don’t blame her but equally I feel judged and quite hurt by the fact she doesn’t seem to get that whilst I’ll do everything I can to be discreet, it may help for us to agree some basics about nappy storage, disposal etc.

We just can’t seem to have a productive conversation about all this. In the past I’ve asked her to read Dr Rhodas book with the chapter on partners to help her understanding but she’s never gotten round to it. I’ve also asked that we can arrange a time to talk about how to better manage DL stuff but it’s always met with negatively even if it’s only “why do you have to bring that up? It brings me down, it creeps me out etc”

I love my wife and would never let this come between us but I feel like there’s got to be a better way to move the conversation along? Any ideas?

Apologies for the long post - feedback and advice appreciated

 

[BBBen]

Good morning @DLwithacause
It could be, that your wife thing diapers a more impirtant than her and that she struggles with you beeing in diapers.
Also it seems to me, that your relationship structure changes in a adult to kid structure. I do overdo it:
You as the kid gas to ask mammy if evrything is ok and you have to ask for allowence. I know, that at the moment it seems to be not like this - but it can get more and more to that.
The way she asks you is also the way of a parent asking a child after catched it doing something forbidden.

In the longrun this structure can lead you to the point living in anxiety and always doing that your adult wife will that you do. And thats bad, because your relationship should be on the same adult level.

You dont have to defend you wearing diapers for protection - if she dont understand, than its a no go. Ofcourse its something you have to talk with your doctor - ic is a medical issue and behind it can be some serious problems.

But for your structure in relationship you also must have your boundaries. And if you want to wear diapers more often, she also has to accept. But most of the time we for ourself doing like wearing diapers is a forbidden and diabolous thing we have to hide and promise our wifes (like a child) that we do it only occasional and in an absolute emergency, then our need is to big. And then we get passive in our relationship - thats the bigger problem, then doing something your partner isnt ok with.

Sure boundaries has to be accepted, especially you have to plan evrything with kids. But dont get in a passsive structure. Be active to your wife but also to your own needs.

At all she says to you - the diaper need is your need and i dont care about it.

The problem of a passive-fear structure in relationship is, that for the time nobody of you will get needs fullfilled. You geting in inner struggles because of denying diaperwearing and your wife feeks like loosing her partner.

My suggestion is: wear diaper and so it as discret as you can, but also enjoy and keep calm. And if you have the talk, say that it isnt only your need, but you want to wear as well.

And she has to learn, that you are an adult also in relationship which cares about his needs as well - she must not accept/understand evrything of you, like you - if you are beeing honest - dont accept/understand evrything of her.

At all partnership is something that grows and need time. And she also needs time to understand your diaper needs and even more to accept. But she only can learn, if you realy stand behind it not like something forbidden, but as a actual need and want of your adult self.

Hope that this helps you to reflect.
At all: keep calm both of you

 

[DLwithacause]

Hey @BBBen thanks for this. I hear what you’re saying about being passive…but it’s not that I see her as a parent I don’t think. It’s just about being intentional about doing DL stuff in my own private time - which I’m ok with: I’m not a little as such so it really is just about the nappies for me and she understands that it’s something that I enjoy, even though that’s confusing for her so we try to find balance. Admittedly the balance is more weighted towards her needs than mine but at least I can be open about things to a point and I’m not lying or hiding etc. hopefully these medical issues will get sorted and that will make things clearer for us both. In any case thanks for the advice

 

[Forced]

Just for context can I ask, when you say that your wife has known about your DL interests “for years now”, at what point of the relationship did you reveal the kink? Pre marriage?
Obviously it wasn’t a deal breaker then, but how did the initial conversation come about and what were you wife’s immediate reactions

 

[sbmccue]

Seems to me that your wife is being challenged by some pretty powerful conditioning. Diapers ‘creep her out’ because she thinks only babies should wear them. The fact that you’ve had children together has only served to reinforce this view.

But I also gather you keep bringing up diapers … asking her for permission to wear after a rather dubious messy accident, etc. Were I you, I’d just shut the hell up! Stop trying to have a ‘productive conversation,’ because that’s never going to happen. All you do is invite her continued disapproval. Wear on the sly when you can, and stop asking her to engage in a discussion on the point.

You mention again and again that you’re trying to respect her boundaries. At the very least, you need to recognize that the subject of you wearing diapers IS a boundary. She doesn’t want to go there, and no amount of begging or asking permission on your part is going to change her attitude on this point.

Some of us wind up in a relationship wherein we’re just unequally yoked. I think that’s where you are. But leopards won’t change their spots, and your wife won’t change her pretty powerful conditioning, which likely has its roots in her early childhood. As Rod Stewart said, “There ain’t no use in talking’ when there’s nobody listening’.” Do yourself (and your wife) a favour and stop trying.

 

[Spankedanddiapered]

She’s known about the DL side of you for years? After years her attitude is that of complete “here no evil see no evil”. She doesn’t want to see her hear about it because she believes it’s bad, evil or whatever other label you can put on it. Sadly I can tell that’s probably not gonna change if she hasn’t reached any degree of acceptance by now it’s not likely she will. The children is just an excuse. I raise five children. I wasn’t diaper 24 seven but I did wear them and it is possible to be discreet around your children. You love her you’ve made a family with her. I would enjoy that aspect of your relationship, but I believe you’re just gonna be frustrated if you try to show her any side of your DL Life. Understand that her love is conditional and that’s OK. Take from the relationship what you can and enjoy it. Just accept the diapers aren’t gonna be a part of it. It sounds like if you can do it out of sight and out of mind she’ll be OK.

 

[BBBen]

@DLwithacause i understand that you are not an ab. But in her eyes you qre going to be a kid asking its oqrents to get allowence more and more. Thats the passive dynamic. And if you dont attention, you ate going over your own boundaries only to please her and perhaps to make her accept, that you wear diapers from time to time. And this dynamic could bring your spouse to the point, where she xouldnt take you seriois anymore.
Sure - partnership is give and take - but as you has to accept her denying - she has to accept you wearing - she wouldnt find it ok. But at all she wouldnt also find it ok in a situation that you are unhappy and she couldnt do anything about it as well. Take care of you.

I had once a marriage that broke because of the bad dynamics - not because of the diapers. And to that time i wasnt ab but dl.

Perhaps we all overreact, but some of us heard some alarm clocks while reading your thread. Sorry if this was to rough.

 

[DLwithacause]

Just for context can I ask, when you say that your wife has known about your DL interests “for years now”, at what point of the relationship did you reveal the kink? Pre marriage?
Obviously it wasn’t a deal breaker then, but how did the initial conversation come about and what were you wife’s immediate reactions

Sure. No problem. We were about 10 years in to being married when I told her. Her reaction was initially “I’m not too bothered as everyone has their thing” but then she wanted me to get help / see a counsellor. Then we’ve been on something of a journey for the last 10 years (we’ve been married 20
Years in 2025) where she’s realised it’s not going to go away and it’s not something that can be cured so she allows me to wear when her and the kids aren’t around. We don’t discuss it though and she’s clearly not comfortable with it still. So I would say it’s mild acceptance but very much on a “keep me out of it” basis. Which I know is better than some people have it…she could have left me after lying to her for 10 years…but she didn’t. I’m realistic- I don’t expect her to all of a sudden fall in love with the idea of me as a DL. But right now with these medical issues it just feels like we need to find a better way of discussing it

 

[DLwithacause]

Seems to me that your wife is being challenged by some pretty powerful conditioning. Diapers ‘creep her out’ because she thinks only babies should wear them. The fact that you’ve had children together has only served to reinforce this view.

But I also gather you keep bringing up diapers … asking her for permission to wear after a rather dubious messy accident, etc. Were I you, I’d just shut the hell up! Stop trying to have a ‘productive conversation,’ because that’s never going to happen. All you do is invite her continued disapproval. Wear on the sly when you can, and stop asking her to engage in a discussion on the point.

You mention again and again that you’re trying to respect her boundaries. At the very least, you need to recognize that the subject of you wearing diapers IS a boundary. She doesn’t want to go there, and no amount of begging or asking permission on your part is going to change her attitude on this point.

Some of us wind up in a relationship wherein we’re just unequally yoked. I think that’s where you are. But leopards won’t change their spots, and your wife won’t change her pretty powerful conditioning, which likely has its roots in her early childhood. As Rod Stewart said, “There ain’t no use in talking’ when there’s nobody listening’.” Do yourself (and your wife) a favour and stop trying.

Thanks for this…I appreciate the honesty. I guess the challenge for me is I’m ok with not discussing it and doing it on the sly providing that in return I don’t get snide comments on occasion.

By the way - I can see why you think the accident was dubious. But it was genuine…I don’t enjoy messing myself and never have done- and like I say I’m following up with my doctor as a result because it’s frightened me.

Appreciate the feedback though

 

[TreeLad]

I mean no disrespect when I say this but it sounds like you're asking for advice on what to do when your wife won't budge on her viewpoint when you are trying to push the boundaries.

If your "accident" was like you said, just a one off then I think your wife is right, your need for protection seems a bit OTT.

 

[DLwithacause]

I mean no disrespect when I say this but it sounds like you're asking for advice on what to do when your wife won't budge on her viewpoint when you are trying to push the boundaries.

If your "accident" was like you said, just a one off then I think your wife is right, your need for protection seems a bit

Thanks for this - I understand why you’d think I’m trying to push boundaries- but honestly it’s not that. Also - in practical terms, putting a nappy on for an hour just to get through a dog walk and then taking it straight off again is not my idea of enjoying my DL side. Having to hide in the bathroom from my kids and cover my tracks to make sure they don’t see - there’s no fun in that.

I’ve been wearing purely as a preventative measure. Because even though it’s a pain to do all that stuff - it’s preferable to crapping my pants in the middle of the park. That whole episode really freaked me out and I just can’t face experiencing that again…I understand that might seem like BS but that is honestly what is going on in my head with all of this. It’s not an excuse to wear…I think she knows that too - it’s just that now everything is more obvious and that is making her uncomfortable. Even though I’m hiding it she’s more aware of what’s going on etc. and I’m not expecting her to be happy about it…I just don’t want it to come between us

 

[BBBen]

@DLwithacause i understand that you are not an ab. But in her eyes you qre going to be a kid asking its oqrents to get allowence more and more. Thats the passive dynamic. And if you dont attention, you ate going over your own boundaries only to please her and perhaps to make her accept, that you wear diapers from time to time. And this dynamic could bring your spouse to the point, where she xouldnt take you seriois anymore.
Sure - partnership is give and take - but as you has to accept her denying - she has to accept you wearing - she wouldnt find it ok. But at all she wouldnt also find it ok in a situation that you are unhappy and she couldnt do anything about it as well. Take care of you.

I had once a marriage that broke because of the bad dynamics - not because of the diapers. And to that time i wasnt ab but dl.

Perhaps we all overreact, but some of us heard some alarm clocks while reading your thread. Sorry if this was to rough.

Sorry for the horrible spelling in my reply. I read it again - and i think i was to fast in my reaction, because it triggered me too much.
Talked with my now wife about that. And she says, evry wife which say:" i dont want to do anything with your diapers" - is doing it too easy. Ofcourse she said, that could be a hard challenge for relationship. But sometimes you als have to accept and respect the marrots of your spouse. And only then you can set boundaries to handle your life together.

For sure - to accept and do wearing diapers only one person is in charge and in responsibility: you self - not a doctor, not your wife, not anyone.

Hope you and your wife find a good way with the diapers.

 

[Edgewater]

Coming from the other side of the tree (the World of IC), I see things in a very different light!!

In reality, you should have told her before the marriage, but that didn't happen. Then, in your first ten years of marriage, the discussion was likely avoided. So, here you are 19 years later and you had an accident and have worn a few times since!

Now, you are faced with an unplanned release!! In the Real World of IC, one-offs are either a push too far, or playing and got wet. IF, you did, in fact, have an unplanned release that is 'concerning'! Such releases have a cause anywhere from playing, or a reality of a UTI or the early signs of a developing problem with one of the involved organ(s), or an early sign of a developing illness. The loss of continence is one of the early signs of a Health Problem! For a Real World IC individual,"any changed" in one's normal urinary history is a reportable event. Being IC means that our early warning signs are not available to us! We watch for the small even tiny changes. With great hope, this was a result of playing.

If this was a sign of a change in your normal urinary activities, you are faced with the reality of your dear wife not believing you as she can think that you are likely just looking at a way of increasing your play. It is the sad reality of not be honest upfront and short of providing a clear cause which is not always possible in the early days IC. With hope you have something that clearly can be pointed too!

I wish you luck, as you have dug yourself a hole and now have to work your way out of it. Her early recommendation of Therapy should have been followed up on!!

 

[chamberpot]

My wife is very a wear of my diaper wearing, she has know for more he last 50 years that I am a wetter by choice mostly, She has bought me diapers very often when she sees them for a good deal, I have been 24/7 for about the last 10 years, There is only one thing that would make all this prefect is that she would talk to me about them .. if I try to start a conversation about wearing my diapers or having the bed protected I get the same answer all the time.. "I don't want to hear about it" or Why do you want to talk about your PROTECTION", the only thing she calls my diapers and pull-up or bed padding. I long to have a conversation with her about the how and why of this need to be diapered. so I really don't have an answer for you but you do you , wear when you want and don't really try to hide it from her let her get used to the fact that you want to and do wear them... your children are a different thing, We have 5 and they never knew. take what you have a wife that knows and tolerates and be happy with it. Moat of the reason i am on ADISC is because I can talk about diapers with people who know.

 

[DLwithacause]

Coming from the other side of the tree (the World of IC), I see things in a very different light!!

In reality, you should have told her before the marriage, but that didn't happen. Then, in your first ten years of marriage, the discussion was likely avoided. So, here you are 19 years later and you had an accident and have worn a few times since!

Now, you are faced with an unplanned release!! In the Real World of IC, one-offs are either a push too far, or playing and got wet. IF, you did, in fact, have an unplanned release that is 'concerning'! Such releases have a cause anywhere from playing, or a reality of a UTI or the early signs of a developing problem with one of the involved organ(s), or an early sign of a developing illness. The loss of continence is one of the early signs of a Health Problem! For a Real World IC individual,"any changed" in one's normal urinary history is a reportable event. Being IC means that our early warning signs are not available to us! We watch for the small even tiny changes. With great hope, this was a result of playing.

If this was a sign of a change in your normal urinary activities, you are faced with the reality of your dear wife not believing you as she can think that you are likely just looking at a way of increasing your play. It is the sad reality of not be honest upfront and short of providing a clear cause which is not always possible in the early days IC. With hope you have something that clearly can be pointed too!

I wish you luck, as you have dug yourself a hole and now have to work your way out of it. Her early recommendation of Therapy should have been followed up on!!

Hi - thanks for replying. I’m not sure whether you’re trying to help here or not as this came off as more judgemental than anything…but if you were trying to help then just a few clarifications that might shed a bit more light on the situation-

1. I’ve never played with being IC - I wear for pleasure and relaxation and have used my nappies (number 1 only) but I’ve never tried to make myself incontinent or wished I was IC - I understand some people might want that but that’s not me…so please don’t assume this was a case of “careful what you wish for” because I never wished for this experience and I never hope to repeat it.

2. I did go for therapy - for 6 months. I also attended various support groups around some other issues I was dealing with. Like many people on here I’ve wrestled with my DL side for many years and eventually have had to accept this is part of me and learn to embrace that without feeling guilt or shame….i’m still on that journey and whilst we don’t discuss it much - my wife is aware of that journey and I’ve included her at various stages - to avoid repeating past mistakes of hiding things and lying etc.

I agree with the idea that I’ve dug a hole for myself to a certain extent - but I’ve also made the effort to work on myself, make amends and earn my wife’s trust back over the last 10 years. I’d like to think I’m a good husband, a good dad and have made every effort to keep my DL side away from wife to respect her boundaries. Surely that counts for something?

In any case - thanks for offering your opinion and I’m sorry to hear about your IC issues - which I would never look undermine or make light of.

 

[Edgewater]

It is common for some to assume that my remarks are on the judgmental side as I common write to a large group of members and even larger group of non-members.

Clarification always help as rarely is the back story provided and one is reacting to a limited information.

I hope that you gain the full trust of your wife as having that is why I am not a prisoner of being U-IC. No need to feel sorry for me as I have lived an active and productive life rarely affected by my U-IC.

May her trust come to free you!

 

[Subtlerustle]

@DLwithacause I’m late to the conversation here. For starters I truly feel for you. This is clearly a trigger for your wife. As @sbmccue so aptly put it, the issue of conditioning is a hard nut to crack. Much like your DL is.
I too withheld my DL prior to marriage and chose to divulge at an inadvisable time with a baby in the next room. It went down like a lead balloon but we were in our early thirties then and still had some room for personal growth.
I see a few issues here; while your accident was genuine the remedy in her opinion is questionable. She likely believes you’re leveraging the accident into a clandestine opening to bring diapers back into the forefront. Only you’d know if there is even a sliver of truth to that. Regardless, it’s a hurtful response on her part. If she suffered the stress and humiliation of crapping herself in public wouldn’t she want a bit of compassion from you? You have a right to be upset in my opinion. Therein lies the problem with the don’t ask don’t tell mantra; these misgivings are never addressed and the wounds never heal. Maybe back off on the “always bringing it up” for now but we both know that isn’t a long term fix. You won’t be able to walk around in life without some baggage knowing that she’s “creeped” out. That’s plain hurtful. Her conditioning aside, some effort to understand her partner should be taken. You’re not asking for a participant just an understanding. I believe that’s why you’re inadvertently pushing the matter. While an affirmation of her love for you, diapers and all will bring out the best in you, a conditional love will have the opposite effect. My concern for you both is that avoiding the subject will eventually undermine your marriage. That said, only you will know how and when to approach it. For me it was reaching the high water mark of self acceptance. I was supremely comfortable in my own skin and opened the discussion again. I wish I had done it sooner because it truly changed our relationship for the better. She still doesn’t participate but is now a big supporter of our community. She gets it as much as a vanilla can. That is a huge turn around from the original WTF?!

 

[DLwithacause]

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the support. She was actually pretty great about the accident - very supportive. It was the idea of me wearing for protection that she had an issue with…she didn’t feel it was necessary and put the whole thing down to a “one off” you’re right though - it’s easy to take that view when you’re not the one crapping your pants in public.

To be fair we’ve since had a slightly more productive conversation (she brought it up). She acknowledged that she knows her reaction isn’t helpful and she understands that even if she’s uncomfortable with my DL side, she knows she needs to work on her responses. Her main issue was the whole episode and the idea of me temporarily wearing for protection on the walks etc kind of shifted everything from behind closed doors to “in her face”.

So in any case we’ve sort of renegotiated a few boundaries and agreed some basics around how to manage me getting “ready” around the kids and then getting “unready” once I get in. As well as things like easy access to a stash without it being in open view and disposal- which to be honest is all the stuff I wanted to sort out in the first place.

Who knows - maybe we’ll pick the conversation up again but I’m not in a rush to do that and I think it’s best if I just keep doing my thing in private - which I would’ve done anyway if I hadn’t have had the accident.

Anyway - I see the doctor Monday so hopefully will know more then! Thanks for your advice everyone

 

[Edgewater]

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the support. She was actually pretty great about the accident - very supportive. It was the idea of me wearing for protection that she had an issue with…she didn’t feel it was necessary and put the whole thing down to a “one off” you’re right though - it’s easy to take that view when you’re not the one crapping your pants in public.

To be fair we’ve since had a slightly more productive conversation (she brought it up). She acknowledged that she knows her reaction isn’t helpful and she understands that even if she’s uncomfortable with my DL side, she knows she needs to work on her responses. Her main issue was the whole episode and the idea of me temporarily wearing for protection on the walks etc kind of shifted everything from behind closed doors to “in her face”.

So in any case we’ve sort of renegotiated a few boundaries and agreed some basics around how to manage me getting “ready” around the kids and then getting “unready” once I get in. As well as things like easy access to a stash without it being in open view and disposal- which to be honest is all the stuff I wanted to sort out in the first place.

Who knows - maybe we’ll pick the conversation up again but I’m not in a rush to do that and I think it’s best if I just keep doing my thing in private - which I would’ve done anyway if I hadn’t have had the accident.

Anyway - I see the doctor Monday so hopefully will know more then! Thanks for your advice everyone

NOTE: F-IC is a more demanding subject than most MD's are prepared to talk about. With your upcoming appointment you will want to target a referral to a specialist!

 

[DLwithacause]

NOTE: F-IC is a more demanding subject than most MD's are prepared to talk about. With your upcoming appointment you will want to target a referral to a specialist!

Yeah I’m hoping for some tests as a minimum…it’s my first episode of F-IC ever but I went to see them a few months back over some gastro issues and they took some bloods and a sample then so I’m hoping because it could indicate a deterioration I’ll get the referral to figure out what’s going on