ABDL Spouse

[Subtlerustle]

Big kudos to you @abdlwife2003 for seeking answers. The truth is you’re already wise beyond your experience in terms of this community. You have identified areas like wetting that you question but not classify as offensive. You’re already establishing a comfort zone which will no doubt evolve.
It will be an ongoing process but as long as you both remain kind and supportive of your individual needs this is a tremendous opportunity to bond you two together. I mean it. Look for the opportunity this news gives you both.
For my wife, my desire for diapers initially made no sense in part because I couldn’t readily identify their significance to me. Once I explained the various aspects of wearing a diaper a DL enjoys it made more sense. Mainly that people find comfort in a vast variety of ways and people naturally gravitate to comfort. There are parts of her childhood that still give her comfort today. Maybe you can identify some of your own. For you two the good news is that even if you don’t quite get the attraction now, you’re not in the small but unfortunate group of spouses that are repulsed by the revelation.

 

[Subtlerustle]

I just want the arguing and the awkwardness to go away. He feels I’m not accepting of him because I’m having a hard time processing.

If I may suggest something here based on my own experience…my wife aptly classified some of our conversations as “messy” which is what you seem to be describing. He is coming from a place of insecurity and what he is hoping from you is affirmation. At the same time you are needing time to process the news and new information. May suggest a two week pause and set a date to chat again while letting him know you love him the same, diapers and all. Give yourself a chance to catch up emotionally.

 

[abdlwife2003]

Big kudos to you @abdlwife2003 for seeking answers. The truth is you’re already wise beyond your experience in terms of this community. You have identified areas like wetting that you question but not classify as offensive. You’re already establishing a comfort zone which will no doubt evolve.
It will be an ongoing process but as long as you both remain kind and supportive of your individual needs this is a tremendous opportunity to bond you two together. I mean it. Look for the opportunity this news gives you both.
For my wife, my desire for diapers initially made no sense in part because I couldn’t readily identify their significance to me. Once I explained the various aspects of wearing a diaper a DL enjoys it made more sense. Mainly that people find comfort in a vast variety of ways and people naturally gravitate to comfort. There are parts of her childhood that still give her comfort today. Maybe you can identify some of your own. For you two the good news is that even if you don’t quite get the attraction now, you’re not in the small but unfortunate group of spouses that are repulsed by the revelation.

I’m not repulsed by it in the slightest. I just feel like I have to act a certain way knowing the information. I feel like our dynamic has changed. He says we are the same couple we’ve always been. It doesn’t change anything. I’m hearing him it’s just not registering.i also tend to overthink every scenario possible with this and I am overwhelmed. He wants me to be completely okay with it all and not say anything and just go back to acting normal the way I used to before he told me. Idk how to do that as of right now.

 

[Chrissie]

I’m not repulsed by it in the slightest. I just feel like I have to act a certain way knowing the information. I feel like our dynamic has changed. He says we are the same couple we’ve always been. It doesn’t change anything. I’m hearing him it’s just not registering.i also tend to overthink every scenario possible with this and I am overwhelmed. He wants me to be completely okay with it all and not say anything and just go back to acting normal the way I used to before he told me. Idk how to do that as of right now.

I’m afraid it doesn’t sound like he’s taking into consideration your feelings.
He’s come out to you expecting full acceptance. Maybe he should be here on ADISC seeking advice about how to gain acceptance from you. He might then realise it’s not all about him.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you’re the one doing all the work here.

 

[ItsTimmyTime]

I’m not repulsed by it in the slightest. I just feel like I have to act a certain way knowing the information. I feel like our dynamic has changed. He says we are the same couple we’ve always been. It doesn’t change anything. I’m hearing him it’s just not registering.i also tend to overthink every scenario possible with this and I am overwhelmed. He wants me to be completely okay with it all and not say anything and just go back to acting normal the way I used to before he told me. Idk how to do that as of right now.

It sounds like you're going through the exact process my wife went through in the beginning. Don't beat yourself up about that. Those early months are difficult times. When I first came out to my wife, initially we talked quite in depth about things but then for a good month afterwards we had quite a lull whilst she caught up with how she felt about it all.

She was also applying for a new job which made it extra important not to get pushy and focus on offering her support, even though it was so very difficult. Reassure your husband that you just need time but that doesn't mean it's a negative thing at all. It is a process that others have been through, just like my wife did. Allow yourself that time and do not feel guilty about it. I liked somebody else's idea of setting a date in a couple of weeks to talk about it again.

It's such a long process and along the way you're going to both hit bumps that you could never have envisioned but over time you if you both put the effort in you'll learn to understand each other and communicate better which will bring the both of you closer. It's been a year since I told my wife, she's pushed herself way out of her comfort zone and done some incredible things for me and in turn I've found new ways to be more attentive to her needs and wants. This has all taken time and patience, you can't rush this.

 

[safaridaze]

I just want the arguing and the awkwardness to go away. He feels I’m not accepting of him because I’m having a hard time processing.

I fully understand your perspective. It is the most peculiar situation. I wear because I feel little inside, not for medical reasons, and it makes me feel safe and protected. The really odd part is I then walk by a mirror in my home, and am shocked at it. How could such a thing make me feel safe? I would be mortified if anyone knew, so that should be the opposite of a safe feeling.... but it is not...

My girl just could not manage to process it all. I wish she had reached out to a place like this to seek information and realize it is more common than society would think. I mean 10+companies making ABDL diapers are not doing it for philanthropic social good!

I think the best you can do is try and have an open dialog and understand how each other feels. Try to have empathy for each other.

If I had a do over, as a DL and a little asking for support from my partner, I would have suggested some fixed time. Like.... Wed each week, I am little, whether I wanted to be or not. That would help me manage the anxiety as I know it is only 3 more days away. I would also then make Thursdays a mandatory big night where I take my girl on a nice dinner date, and the topic of diapers never comes up. She needs big time as much as I need little time! I wonder if that would have removed some of the anxiety?

 

[Kayleigh]

You have received a lot of advice, most of it very good. You must be overwhelmed in trying to process first what your husband disclosed and second all the advice you have received.
I’ll share some experiences from the perspective of a long married DL husband who is now separated partially due to my diapers. Which I wear for choice not necessity.

First, a few things to understand. Being a DL won’t go away. It may ebb and flow but it will always be there. Second, there is a strong tendency for it to increase. You may start wearing privately but then that is not good enough. It seems that you are already experiencing that with the addition of wetting.
My wife originally participated in varying ways but eventually seemed to turn off to my wearing. She always said she accepted my wearing but could not handle it if confronted with it. I wound up sleeping separately in a diaper but I had to take it off before I got up. She established a boundary for my wearing that I ultimately repeatedly crossed because I felt that the boundary showed that she really could not accept my wearing. We had many arguements over my wearing.

I believe you are starting off correctly in trying to understand what being a DL means. Everyone here will provide you with quite a bit of perspective as to what to expect although you will find that each of us have our own variations or customizations.

Second comes the hard part - the acceptance. One common topic of discussion amongst DLs is our own acceptance. There are books written to help us to accept it.in ourselves. You are going to really have to dig deep in your own psyche to figure out if you can accept this in the man in your life. Some women can and most male DLs congratulate a guy who indicates that his wife or gf or SO accepts him being a DL. But in my wife’s case she just could not truly handle it. She could not accept that there was a part of her husband that did not conform to her view of what her husband was supposed to be. One could say that love should handle this but unfortunately neither of us believed that love conquers all.
For me then the boundaries she set reflected her core inability to truly accept me for all of me, diapers and all.

i don’t know what type of discussions the both of you have had, but i think you need time to think, continue asking questions of us here on adisc and then formulate how much acceptance you can handle. I believe some others have recommended a chill out period.

i then suggest that you start discussions regarding what will be acceptable to both of you. It must be for both of you, and not just your acceptance of his diapers. He needs to accept your feelings also. Whatever you decide, I would make sure that any boundaries can be revisited after you try them out.

I wish you success in sorting things out and working through what is a very challenging situation. Keep us posted and don’t hesitate to reach out to any of us drectly if you need more conversation.

 

[plasticpants10]

Hello and Welcome

 

[mammalun]

I just want the arguing and the awkwardness to go away. He feels I’m not accepting of him because I’m having a hard time processing.

Hi and welcome, I'm speaking to you as someone who isn't ABDL but has a partner that is and joined this community for much the same reasons you did; to find out more and find out how to be supportive. You've had some top advice here but I want to add the best one I got - go slow. It's OK to be overwhelmed, it's OK to set boundaries. Your husband has had years to live with his fantasies, you are new to them. You need time to adjust and he must respect that. Someone has already mentioned Dr Rhoda's book and I can thoroughly recommend it. For both of you to read.

Don't know how easy it is to find my introduction here but on one of the replies is an excellent list of ways to start out and progress - like start by changing a dry diaper a few times before jumping to wet ones. Take it in stages that you are comfortable with.

You've come to a good place here. You'll get lots of respectful advice. I strongly recommend you avoid other ABDL type sites until you are more comfortable etc (if you go to them at all). As a female making it clear you are a carer you are going to get hit on by what feels like every man and his desperately seeking carer baby. We are a rare breed and the demand is high. Some can be pretty disrespectful. I've never had that on ADISC. Here all are safe.

 

[Subtlerustle]

I

I’m not repulsed by it in the slightest. I just feel like I have to act a certain way knowing the information. I feel like our dynamic has changed. He says we are the same couple we’ve always been. It doesn’t change anything. I’m hearing him it’s just not registering.i also tend to overthink every scenario possible with this and I am overwhelmed. He wants me to be completely okay with it all and not say anything and just go back to acting normal the way I used to before he told me. Idk how to do that as of right now.

I believe I know about the dynamic change and overthinking. I wish my wife could have a coffee with you to give you her experience. I believe she would feel very empathetic. She felt worried that my wants would eclipse her ability to participate. In the end her worries were not an issue because I never wanted her to go anywhere past her comfort zone. Yeah sure I’d love to have her wear with me but that won’t happen and I had to assure her that all I ever wanted was her affirmation. You’re probably overwhelmed at the thought of diapers taking over your entire partnership. This is where time and experience will calm those fears. That said, as a DL I know your husband is stewing over the notion of potential rejection based on his own insecurities. Right now he can’t get enough assurance from you that it’s ok. This is why I suggest a brief timeout to reset. You both don’t want this to turn into a hot button issue when it has such great potential to actually bond you. Talk to him and say you love him and that you’ll sort this out but you need a few days to get caught up. He’s had his whole life to ruminate over this and is craving a quick fix. You just need a moment. If he’s smart, he’ll gather the strength to give you that. I speak from an abundance of experience here.
Edit to add:
Do you feel like you will never be able to live up to his diaper expectations knowing now how important they are to him? My wife felt this and I fully acknowledge this would feel very overwhelming.

 

[abdlwife2003]

I

I believe I know about the dynamic change and overthinking. I wish my wife could have a coffee with you to give you her experience. I believe she would feel very empathetic. She felt worried that my wants would eclipse her ability to participate. In the end her worries were not an issue because I never wanted her to go anywhere past her comfort zone. Yeah sure I’d love to have her wear with me but that won’t happen and I had to assure her that all I ever wanted was her affirmation. You’re probably overwhelmed at the thought of diapers taking over your entire partnership. This is where time and experience will calm those fears. That said, as a DL I know your husband is stewing over the notion of potential rejection based on his own insecurities. Right now he can’t get enough assurance from you that it’s ok. This is why I suggest a brief timeout to reset. You both don’t want this to turn into a hot button issue when it has such great potential to actually bond you. Talk to him and say you love him and that you’ll sort this out but you need a few days to get caught up. He’s had his whole life to ruminate over this and is craving a quick fix. You just need a moment. If he’s smart, he’ll gather the strength to give you that. I speak from an abundance of experience here.
Edit to add:
Do you feel like you will never be able to live up to his diaper expectations knowing now how important they are to him? My wife felt this and I fully acknowledge this would feel very overwhelming.

To answer your question yes I do feel I’ll never be able to live up to his diaper needs. I’m worried it will always be just slightly weird. But I’m working through it. We are talking openly about what he is comfortable wearing. Our main boundary right now is simply I just don’t want to know when he is wearing. I also prefer he covers up when wearing and he is perfectly content with that.

 

[Kayleigh]

To answer your question yes I do feel I’ll never be able to live up to his diaper needs. I’m worried it will always be just slightly weird. But I’m working through it. We are talking openly about what he is comfortable wearing. Our main boundary right now is simply I just don’t want to know when he is wearing. I also prefer he covers up when wearing and he is perfectly content with that.

Good start. My wife and I operated similarly for a while. Based in this being new to you a good strategy. This will calm things down and keep the emotions under control. With my wife and I, we did not plan for any checkpoints where we would discuss how each of us were feeling. So when things started going awry, we did not notice it and had no agreement to discuss the original boundaries. As others have said, don’t rush it.

 

[abdlwife2003]

Is wetting a diaper to its full capacity normal? Not trying to sound insensitive or anything new to this very very new. My reason for asking is I took out my trash today and it only had two diapers in it and the bag easily weighed 5lbs with nothing else in it. I know this subject is strange to me but I’ll find a way to cope with it.

 

[BBBen]

Hi again,
it depends from one to another.
Some prefer to use the diaper to full capacity. Some use their diaper for less or more. And some only wear a dry diaper for comfort.
If its sexual, it could qlso be a form of his need to be wet.
Step by step. Its realy good, how much you investigate to understand him. But dont overwhelm yourself. To life together is a long journey. And much will gonna happen on this way. But evrytime you both wpuld grow.
Best wishes

 

[Subtlerustle]

I see both sides of the don’t ask don’t tell method. On your side you just don’t want this to be a focal point of your relationship and on his he feels like he has to hide it again which doesn’t feel like “acceptance”. It’s a tough compromise. If you both approach this boundary with kindness I believe you’ll get through it.
As to your question about the wet diapers maybe suggest he dispose of them more discreetly. You’re dealing with that is a too much too soon scenario if I’m reading this correctly. Soon after my wife gave me the green light to wear in her presence I put a rolled up diaper on top of the bathroom trash and she told me that was too much too soon. Same with overt exposure. With time though we have a pretty good routine and I respect her boundaries and she gives me what I need. This is a two way street for sure.

 

[AVictoryPointe]

Is wetting a diaper to its full capacity normal? Not trying to sound insensitive or anything new to this very very new. My reason for asking is I took out my trash today and it only had two diapers in it and the bag easily weighed 5lbs with nothing else in it. I know this subject is strange to me but I’ll find a way to cope with it.

ABDL folks can be economic minded because it’s expensive, but there can also be moving between binges (overuse) and purges (throwing everything away or denial of use). Your partner might be having a high from some freedom, and the secret being out of the bag.

The more scarce the supply, the more extreme the desire to “fully use” can be. I would say the word “normal” doesn’t hold much weight here (pun intended?).

 

[DiaperedTeddyBear]

It’s not gross because I can find logic behind it. It’s just weird in my opinion. We don’t have kids yet but I’ve worked in childcare for years. So I change diapers a lot. So it’s more of I get it but I also don’t. It’s not that it smells or I find it unhygienic I think it’s purely the fact he does it and I wasn’t expecting it. It’s his conscious choice to sometimes not use the bathroom like I do. Does that make sense?

It's good that you're not grossed out by him wearing and using diapers. Many ABDLs have spouses that are completely disgusted by it and would give anything to have the kind of acceptance that you've already shown your husband.

Yes it's weird. I've been ABDL for 40 years, and I still don't understand it. I often think "why diapers? Why couldn't it have been something more normal?" Of all the things I could have chosen as a comfort object, it had to be something weird like diapers.

It might help you to focus less on the diapers themselves and more on the comfort your husband derives from wearing the diapers. Imagine it's not a diaper but a security blanket or a teddy bear. Does that make it seem a little less weird?

I just want the arguing and the awkwardness to go away. He feels I’m not accepting of him because I’m having a hard time processing.

Every married person has to deal with behavior from their spouse that they find weird. You probably do things that he finds weird, probably not quite as weird as diapers, but weird just the same. A little awkwardness is to be expected. It takes time to adjust to all your spouse's weird little quirks, but that adjustment period doesn't mean that you don't love and accept each other.

 

[Diaperman95]

Welcome to the community. Am no ABDL but I have spent 30 plus years being diapered and it really is just another form of underwear. I suggest setting down and asking him what he expects from you and vise versa. Like you want dry sheets so if he plans on getting his diaper make him sleep on a bed pad. All diapers leak. They are not perfect. No dirty or wet diapers on the floor as that is just gross. I would talk about sex life, diaper might be a turn on for him but not you. He is very very lucky to have a understanding wife that would join this group to get a better understanding. Do not let him take advantage of that either. Your desires do matter too. If he is not incontinent then he doesn't have to wear every single night. Diapers are expensive a budget might be good. Do not for any reason let him try to become incontinent from un potty training. It is not near as fun when you have no choice. After 30 years I would love a year off. . Make him fund a hobby of yours. Lol. Mostly be honest and if it gets to be a bit much let him him know. A big thing is if you have kids what do they need to learn about it. Is he just going to wear at night or days off? is he going to wear 24/7? What is the rule at home out of the bed room. Pants on or just diaper okay? Provided no kids.

Diapers come in all shapes sizes and designs. I personally would not be caught dead in a baby print diaper but not really my thing. But I would not expect my wife to take me seriously in one either. So if you prefer all white or a solid color tell him. Is he AB or just DL? Lots of differences. If. He is AB.. how far does he want to take this and how far would you be willing to go?

Ask questions, set up boundaries and do not be afraid to modify them if it gets to much for you. Who knows maybe you will like it too. Maybe he would like for you to try one yourself at some point. The main thing is just to be open and honest as you would anything else in a relationship. Better or for worse. I think you being her shows your dedication to him.


Okay!! Now show him this part for me.... Hey.. you have an Amazing wife don't take advantage of it and fuck this up. From all of us at ADISC we wish you guyS the best.

 

[abdlwife2003]

Welcome to the community. Am no ABDL but I have spent 30 plus years being diapered and it really is just another form of underwear. I suggest setting down and asking him what he expects from you and vise versa. Like you want dry sheets so if he plans on getting his diaper make him sleep on a bed pad. All diapers leak. They are not perfect. No dirty or wet diapers on the floor as that is just gross. I would talk about sex life, diaper might be a turn on for him but not you. He is very very lucky to have a understanding wife that would join this group to get a better understanding. Do not let him take advantage of that either. Your desires do matter too. If he is not incontinent then he doesn't have to wear every single night. Diapers are expensive a budget might be good. Do not for any reason let him try to become incontinent from un potty training. It is not near as fun when you have no choice. After 30 years I would love a year off. . Make him fund a hobby of yours. Lol. Mostly be honest and if it gets to be a bit much let him him know. A big thing is if you have kids what do they need to learn about it. Is he just going to wear at night or days off? is he going to wear 24/7? What is the rule at home out of the bed room. Pants on or just diaper okay? Provided no kids.

Diapers come in all shapes sizes and designs. I personally would not be caught dead in a baby print diaper but not really my thing. But I would not expect my wife to take me seriously in one either. So if you prefer all white or a solid color tell him. Is he AB or just DL? Lots of differences. If. He is AB.. how far does he want to take this and how far would you be willing to go?

Ask questions, set up boundaries and do not be afraid to modify them if it gets to much for you. Who knows maybe you will like it too. Maybe he would like for you to try one yourself at some point. The main thing is just to be open and honest as you would anything else in a relationship. Better or for worse. I think you being her shows your dedication to him.


Okay!! Now show him this part for me.... Hey.. you have an Amazing wife don't take advantage of it and fuck this up. From all of us at ADISC we wish you guyS the best.

We’ve figured out some stuff about each other in regards to it. He just recently got some printed ones. He isn’t AB and doesn’t like kids print but while he is trying to find a brand that works for him he has to get over the print. He just doesn’t want a plain white one but doesn’t want to feel like a child by wearing a child’s print diaper. We both prefer he wear shorts or something over. And he not wear it all the time. He usually wears at night and when I’m at work. That schedule makes me and him more comfortable.

I sat on his lap for the first time ever last night, while he was wearing. It was awkward as heck but as we just embraced one another it was less awkward.

I have thought about trying one myself to make it easier for me to understand. I’d never wet the diaper if I chose to wear it. I just wouldn’t be able to. But I have considered getting some to put on every once in awhile.

 

[AVictoryPointe]

We’ve figured out some stuff about each other in regards to it. He just recently got some printed ones. He isn’t AB and doesn’t like kids print but while he is trying to find a brand that works for him he has to get over the print. He just doesn’t want a plain white one but doesn’t want to feel like a child by wearing a child’s print diaper. We both prefer he wear shorts or something over. And he not wear it all the time. He usually wears at night and when I’m at work. That schedule makes me and him more comfortable.

I sat on his lap for the first time ever last night, while he was wearing. It was awkward as heck but as we just embraced one another it was less awkward.

I have thought about trying one myself to make it easier for me to understand. I’d never wet the diaper if I chose to wear it. I just wouldn’t be able to. But I have considered getting some to put on every once in awhile.

It’s actually very hard to wet at first. You’d be surprise how strong that trained psychology can be!

Good on you for being willing, but slow and steady is best. You’ve seemed apprehensive in the thread and already done a lot. Great job!