Why am I upset about incontinence if I like diapers?

Leio

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So...

As many of you know, I have been having some sporadic issues with daytime incontinence for a while now. In that time, I've been trying to get an appointment with the urologist to check out my issues.

I don't know why I feel so conflicted about my incontinence. On the one hand, incontinence would give me a "legitimate" reason to wear diapers. On the other hand, I feel ashamed about my daytime issues... so much so that I had a complete breakdown about it also because of some other issues... It was bad. I went into complete hysterics... I was basically inconsolable for several hours.

At this point, I should be wearing at least my pull ups in the day, but I don't. I know logically that no one would notice my pull ups unless something like my shirt rode up, but that is easily fixed. I'm just too ashamed to do it.

I'm confused as to why I'm so torn up about it. I know that a lot of DL's have wished to become incontinent... I've even wished it in my youth. I really enjoy wearing diapers, but the idea of me having to wear them during the day and explaining them to my partner scares me...

I know this has been a bit of a rant post... so thank you for bearing with me on issues like these...
 

gadawgs8000

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Thinking of you and yes I completely understand your feelings I spent about six months discussing this with my therapist and I finally realized that it’s not something I can help or change so do your best each day to stay healthy and remember it could always be worse!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

BabyTyrant

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I think to most of us part of enjoying Diapers is that we can choose when we want to put on a diaper and use it; when you don't have a choice it is more like a chore and I can imagine that it's both expensive to need diapers all the time and i know above all else to leak would be really embarrassing.

There was once a time when I could have used Diapers during the Day as I had issues trying to go to the bathroom and usually would wet myself and at times felt like I was gonna poop myself; this was in 5th grade I believe and it ended up being a medical problem fixed with a surgery and I haven't had those problems since then.

I mean, you may think its embarrassing enough as an adult, but children are especially cruel in Elementary School.

I guess my main point is when it goes from choice to chore, that is why it becomes a point of embarrassment and something to hate.
 

Fireband

The musician of many genres
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Look,
at least you are in a position where you can wear if you wanted to. My parents won't let me, and I still live with them. I'm not sure if i'll be able to move out due to me mentally unable to work. I have to stuff my pants with toilet paper. If your boyfriend doesn't understand or insults you or does anything to shatter your esteem/feelings/confidence, he's not worth it. Try talking to him. If he truly loves you, he'll understand. I've had to let relationships go because I kept problems in the dark. Please, Leio, don't make the same mistake I did.
 

dogboy

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Yeah, it's all about being able to control your destiny. It also can be disconcerting when your body is functioning as it's supposed to. I'd probably be upset too.
 

Trevor

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I engage in fairly lengthy bouts of 24/7 wear and I would be very upset if I started to lose control. This is recreational for me and even though I might like extended periods of that recreation, knowing I can stop whenever I want is important.

In the end, I'd have to adapt and accept reality but I would expect it to be a process and could be a bumpy one. It's okay to be upset.
 

Sapphyre

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Awww, sweetie... :hug:

The loss of control, and the need for protection, is an affront to your autonomy. That's a very tangible loss even if you like diapers and would wear them often anyway. It's a loss of physical ability, and because of some societal attitudes it can almost make one feel like less of a person for being disabled in such a way. Sometimes those feelings just get ingrained, and then it's hard not to let them impact your self-image. I think, on a conscious level you know that there is no shame in needing protection, but your subconscious — having been informed by social norms for so long — may need some persuading. Does that make sense? o.o;
 
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AEsahaettr

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I'm confused as to why I'm so torn up about it. I know that a lot of DL's have wished to become incontinent... I've even wished it in my youth. I really enjoy wearing diapers, but the idea of me having to wear them during the day and explaining them to my partner scares me...
Why do some people have fantasies about being raped, but not actually go out and put themselves in a vulnerable situation where it could happen?

I don't know exactly how you use diapers. I mean, I am pretty certain I know how you use them, but I don't know what the emotional buttons are which for you they push. Is it comfort in regression? Relaxation from surrendering power? Security? Or do you just like the feeling of wetting or messing a diaper between your legs? Some combination thereof?

We have complicated lives. For a decent amount of my post high school life I've been a student and much of that was without a roommate or with my now-wife. So although I'm 33, when you account for all my years since entering Kindergarten, I've spent quite a few of them in school. And school is an exceptionally easy time to wear a diaper. If I needed diapers while in college, bathrooms are highly accessible and it's relatively easy to make wearing diapers a seamless part of your existence (assuming you're not a girl who goes to the bathroom in pairs). If I needed diapers while in grade school, I'd be accommodated by the school nurse. For a long time in that period I enjoyed wearing and using diapers with whatever level of freedom I had at different stages. And just like you, for a long time I fantasized about becoming fully incontinent. And for a lot of time that fantasy made sense because it was something that would work pretty well in my life. Losing control would be a strategy to be able to wear diapers at an age where I lived with my parents and lacked the means to acquire and dispose of diapers discretely. It would justify a lot of my desires too. This is weird. I'm into BDSM, but at the end of the day I can live without it. Using diapers is an important part of my happiness. Needing to wear them would legitimize that desire by changing it from a weird emotional hang-up to a basic functional necessity. And since I see you're a little I won't get into the niche it occupies in that paradigm.

I don't know where you are in life, but I'm now an adult with a mortgage, a wife, and a job. We're managing to cobble together a pretty decent life. I wish we'd spent a bit less money on our house more cash is tied up by student loans than I'd like until forgiveness kicks in, but we're making it work. Where have those fantasies about becoming incontinent gone for me? Pssh. I spend 50 hours a week at work making a living and it's tough a lot of the time. You know what challenge I don't need in my life? Incontinence. I don't want to have to give a note to my boss saying I may have to use the bathroom frequently through the day, even while negotiating with a customer. I don't want to have to keep a bag that I conspicuously carry into the bathroom every time I go. I don't have to waddle out to the parking lot to greet an Up with a messy diaper while worrying about leakage and smell because I really need another sale and did a left-face on my way to the bathroom to try to get one. So on and so forth.

The key factor here is choice. There are some times in life that are very conducive to a lifestyle of going to the bathroom in diapers rather than toilets. Other times are less conducive. But the underlying theme in both is that you can fit diapers into your life in any way that you want. There were times in college that I probably could have gone 24/7 had I chosen to and had the money to buy diapers. For various reasons I did not. By the sound of it you don't use diapers exclusively either. Why not? I don't know all the details, but let's try an excercise. Try to think of 10-20 times recently (before this bout of incontinence) that you used a toilet instead of a diaper. Why weren't you wearing a a diaper those times? You do have diapers so I can tell it's not lack of access. I'm going to hazard a guess that most of those times reduce to "It wasn't convenient to use a diaper then" or "I wasn't in the mood to wear a diaper then", and both of those can be for any reason.

What incontinence does is take away your choice. The great thing about diapers for us is that it's a recreation. It's like having a beer or watching a movie or playing a game. It's something we enjoy doing because we like to do it. It's no longer that. Now you have to wear a diaper, all the time, no exceptions. Do you have a job where it would be difficult to wear diapers while performing, or humiliating to bring a doctor's note to your boss asking for accomodations (eg, access to bathrooms)? Is wearing a diaper sometimes uncomfortable because of the weather, your clothing choices, or the amount of time you'd need to be in one between changings? Are you a pee-only diaper user who doesn't really like to use diapers for poop? Do you have a date coming up with a new guy/girl and don't want this added complication? Well guess what? Too. Bad. Diapers used to be your escape. Now they're your ball and chain.

The bottom line is that *BDL is a complicated identity. I've read dozens of threads over the years where we discuss why we like the things we do and the only conclusion I've ever drawn is that we're hopelessly polyphyletic. Our desires have a multitude of different origins including, for some of us, absolutely no discernible origin. They manifest in different ways. There are ABs/TBs, DLs, ageplayers, DDlgs, babyfurs, and more. And those who are other than *BDL may not even like diapers. For some of us this is completely non-sexual desire and for some of us it's entirely sexual; for some it has sexual and non-sexual components. For those of us with gender identity issues, our interests in diapers can complicate them. In many of us these desires will evolve as we grow and our life circumstances change. And they have great consequences for our romantic relationships as well. Being a part of this identity isn't easy. Making it a healthy part of our lives is hard. IMO, the bottom line is that you just need to figure out how it does and doesn't work for you and go from there. If you want to do something, go for it. If it stresses you out, you're not obligated (except with incontinence). Whatever your feelings are you need to accept that they're valid and that there's nothing wrong with you, even when they conflict and don't seem to make sense.
 

Andybun

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Dear Leio,
I've been at a similar point early last year. I'd have occasional bed wetting incidents and couldn't barely hold it during the day. By the time, my bladder told it is time to go it used to be too late already on a regular basis. The bedwetting happened maybe every third or fourth night only before the daytime accidents started but when I got the daytime accidents as well, I wet the bed more often as well. Of course, I seen my doc about it but he couldn't find a thing and forwarded me to an urologist. I never got an appointment right then and only four weeks later.
Inbetween these four weeks of wait I used to wear pull-ups at work and diapers at home until I got an inflamated sacrum (sacral spine) and was put on pretty strong anti-inflammatory medicine. The crazy thing about it was, that the wetting would stop once I had recuperated from the sacrum issue but still way before the urologist appointment. The urologist later, couldn't find a thing despite a MRI and a cystoscopy along with blood and urine samples so he assumed some sort of infection that got killed with the medicine for the sacrum issue. It would return twice later that year but only for way too short periods to find anything. Amazingly, both times it started with what felt like a kidney stone.

I, much like you now, have felt ashamed pretty much about it and yet I forced myself to wear the pull-ups to work. I asked myself about what I'd be more ashamed, wearing a pull up or running around with wet, visible to everyone, pants. Reviewing it all, it felt like the very top of a binge and purge cycle. You know, when you just want to get rid of all your diaper related stuff. I'm not saying it was such a cycle but the hate of diapers and related items became similarly strong. In fact, I never got the b & p cycle since my mid to late twenties again.

I wouldn't be scared about telling my partner about my incontinence. Sooner or later your partner will find out when you don't make it and believe me it ain't always possible to cover up with dropping a glas of water, for example. Maybe you should try and change your view about it. If you cut yourself while working in the kitchen you'd probably put a patch/plaster on the wound. Saying that, you should attempt to see the pull-up as a patch/plaster, a purely medical supply that helps with a given condition. At least that's what has helped me last year big time.

I'm sure you'll find your solution, even if it takes time and I want to wish you the very best with it.
 

mickdl

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Hey Leio,

I was exactly at the same point when my IC started. I was realy scared that I have to live with it for ever and I was realy confused about my feelings, because things that I loved before turned into a nightmare for me. How ever - this fear gives me also the strenght to fight agaist my IC and I was more or less successfull and got at last most of the bladder control back. Some from the comunity my think that I’m a fraidy-cat and better had taken the oportunity, but I’m pretty happy that I can live now more or less without pads and diapers again.

So all I want to say is just: Don’t give up. For me it tooks 1.5 years with drugs and bladder training and kegel exercises to get most of my continence back. So it was not easy but it was worth the trouble.
 

Dinotopian2002

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Hi Leio

Losing bladder control is never easy, but I think it’s harder when you’re younger as you have to live with it for longer, and because people are more self-conscious about their body image, and less confident in it.

I speak this as someone who has gradually lost bladder control since I was 17 and I’ve accepted that I will have to wear diapers for my whole adult life. It’s taken me a long time to accept this, partly because it took 10 years for doctors to work out what was causing it - only to find they couldn’t do anything to fix it as it was nerve damage. It took me six months to come to terms with this, even though I’d been wearing padding for a decade already.

This takes time to grieve, to process and to come to terms with. Even now I still have days when I really, really wish I didn’t need to wear a diaper.

For me, becoming a DL was part of the healing process. If diapers were going to be part of my life I chose to embrace them. It took a while but I realised that over time I found I was enjoying each change, rather than dreading it. Diapers aren’t sexual for me but I do find them very comfy and I enjoy the security of them. Wearing AB/DL diapers has also helped me - I’m not a baby but the prints help them feel less medical.

I understand your conflicting feelings about wearing for pleasure rather than wearing for need. It feels awkward, embarrassing and guilty at times. They are perfectly normal and it’s fine to feel like that.

But I say, why not have both? If this is the body you have been given why not enjoy it? Embracing and owning your need for diapers will make you much more confident and outgoing, and comfortable. There’s no need to be shy about it. Diapers are just underwear. If nothing else, why feel guilty for something you can’t control?

From my own experience, when I learnt to embrace my diapers I also became kinder to myself. I used to get annoyed and frustrated when I had an accident in public, but if one happens now, I can just relax and let my diaper do its job of keeping me dry.

I hope that this helps you come to terms with this situation. Give yourself time to heal and you will be able to life a confident diapered life with no regrets.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002
 

Leio

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So...

Just an update on my condition. The daytime accidents have gotten more frequent. On the upside, I've managed to get a doctor's appointment. Not a urologist appointment, but just a primary care appointment. This appointment will hopefully get me a referral to a urologist.

On the downside, I had a very public accident today... Sigh... I had to walk home in obviously soaked pants... So embarrassing. I guess this is what I get for not wearing diapers.
 

Andybun

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It sounds a bit like you have experienced the denial stage of the four (five) stages of mourning. Sometimes it is called stages of grief and loss as well but it isn't always connected to death although mainly used in this connection.
Basically, you became aware that your continence condition got worse and now you morn the loss of continence. By not wearing protection you deny your current condition.
Now, there are another three stages and all four can turn up in no particular order. Anger, bargaining and depression would be the other three.

I suggest you read the following link. It is about grief and loss stages, of course, but basically applies to a lot of different situations where loss doesn't mean death. The loss of a friend due to shenanigans, the loss of the ability to walk, the loss of continence .... . I wish I had read (or better known) about it almost 20 years ago.
For me, it usually helps big time, to know where I am. It doesn't always offer a solution but with knowing where I am, it is possible for me to create my own solutions if there's nothing else to find.

Well, here's the link.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
 

Missy1

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Leio dear

BELIEVE me i do understand youre reluctance of having to wear this diaper stuff and al the rest that comes with it . and i also understand that you have conflicting feelings from being DL and wear because you whant to .To now actually being given NO choice anymore in the matter ,and i can defenetly understand that youre young age isent doing this any easier .

However Leio dear if we look at the choices currently given here of either ACCEPTING the fact that at this point in youre quit possible urine IC and also LET GO of the conflicting guilt feelings you are feeling and in doing this take away those dreadful accidents that apparently starting to occur more and more. also being able to not having to on the edge al the time and fear this accidents .

OR the alternative is as you have already comed to know ,constant risk of Accidents 24 /7 . So in my mind i would highly recommend option 1 here Leio and also im fairly certain that youre partner will also be able to accent that you now need to wear protection due to this MEDICAL condition dear.

Like you i started my path with SLOWLY at first had to wear protection on longer trips, had that for many years then it started even shorter outings and at the end were i had to start 24 /7 (roughly the time i came in here ) i went to Severe and it came with the speed of light the last 6 month for me progressing rapidly. to were am now ( reg Urinary IC im just dreading the final stop of actually become complete (incl night wetting) as im already in Fecal ) and im NOT looking forward to that one i can assure you this BUT i have resigned to the fact im now forced to wearing 24 /7 and adding al the other protections as well mentally prepared for it . And this is what i suggest you try to do as well Leio . try to ACCEPT ,ADAPT, And move on in life dear (and Leio diapers arent that hard to conceal under ord underwear/ ord clothing i do it every day )

if you whant to talk my Pm is right there my friend

Oh to clarify NO i am not a DL never was never will be BUT i DO love the comfort of not having to constantly worry for Accidents to occur 24 /7 when ever were ever 24 / 7 so i wouldn't even consider stopping to wear diapers EVER again under ANY circumstances
 
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rennecfox

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I know from an internal standpoint, it's feeling helpless and at the mercy of your body and dependent on something, a feeling one will fight you even if you do have the dl trait, but the thing is if your incontinence is inconveniencing you need to get comfortable with wearing something at least until a doctor can help you, it isn't worth accidents all the time or severe urgency ruling your life.
 

WDDash

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It sounds in your youth, you wanted a reason to wear diapers, but now you already can when you want to, but you're afraid you won't have a choice anymore if you become incontinent, like you're trapped.

It probably also plays into your fears of social rejection from being ABDL as being incontinent is a lot more visible and less private, and I think that's fair.

As for your partner, I'm sure if they love an accept you, that one small detail like that wouldn't get in the way.

Did I get it down right?
 

Leio

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Just a little update on my condition...

I've started taking my meds for the bladder issues that I've been having. The meds are starting to help by reducing my bladder spasms which cuts down the number of accidents that I've been having. The only thing that I'm still working on is my ability to hold my urine. I've had an accident today from trying to hold it in... still a bit of a bummer since before these issues, I could hold it in with no problem. But I'm feeling better about my situation.

My nighttime wetting hasn't really improved from this medication. In fact, I have to renew my search for nighttime diapers as leaks are happening more frequently. But, the leak frequency was going up even before this medication rolled around... I was just in a bad place and didn't really have the motivation or the drive to fix the nighttime situation.
 

mickdl

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Hey Leio,

that sound like a good start. I wish you all the best for your success. It‘s a good sign if the number of accidens are decreasing. With the nightly incontinence it was for me the same. So It seems that this is the most complicated part - but for me I can say that, that reducing the daytime accidents was the most important target, because this was somthing what realy curtailed me. So it’s realy good to here that your meds start to take effect.
 

Missy1

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Keep trying Leio dear were al here for you dear :thumbsup:
 
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