What do you all see in this?

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Mesmerale

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First off: My mind is completely frenzied right now. I can't hold onto one thought for more than a few minutes, so don't expect anything smooth out of me.

That being said, I am not going to be able to fully explain myself in this one post. I expect a lot of questions, and I am asking for you all to ask me a lot of questions, so that I can answer them to the best of my ability and get you all to understand the entire story. Ask me questions.

In order to get as much onto this screen as I can, I'm going to do this bit by bit, okay? Great..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm upset.

why?

Okay.. I was at work, I got off at 9:40 p.m., and saw a movie. After the movie was after at 12:00 a.m., I decided to stay and hang out with some of the employees who were working for the after prom that was at the theater. I was having fun while they cleaned one of the theaters. I was jumping on the chairs, spinning around, twisting in the air, twirling one of the brooms around... We were having fun. I followed them outside while they were getting rid of some trashbags, and one of the male employees was laughing and tried to close the door on them (which would lock them outside). I laughed as I pushed the door open to stop him. We started "struggling". Him to close the door, and me to keep it open. One of the girl employees, Sarah, yelled at me to leave if I wasn't going to help. I just.. sank... Shifted the weight of my backpack onto my left shoulder, and walked away, silent...

Who is Sarah?

Sarah is one of the people who I've told a lot about me. She knows that I'm transgendered, and she knows that I'm a TB. I'm almost always a little girl around her, which is why I was playing and having fun while they were cleaning. I'm always eager to be around her. I'm clingy to the few people who know all about me, some in particular, and she is one of those "some". But she tends to ignore me. She doesn't answer any message that I send her, and then after a week or so she'll say that she's been busy with "whatever" for all that time. She's always busy. But she always seems happy to see me, and she always smiles around me. She doesn't act annoyed.. But every time she leaves to go somewhere, I'll get hurt, and every time I see her, I start to hurt again.

What do I mean by "when she leaves"?

There are a lot of times when we'll both be working in the same area, selling movie tickets. She absolutely hates being in there, and I know that, but even with that knowledge, every time she leaves to go do something else for 45 minutes at a time, I think in the back of my mind that she is leaving to get away from me.

What do I mean by "hurt"?

I get depressed. I can't bear to look at her, even though I keep looking for her. Whatever mood I'm in is automatically replaced with a solemn, dull mood. I start to get sarcastic, and, lately, as I've gotten more upset with her, I've gotten more angry toward her, which is why I'm posting this now.

Oh, and one more thing... She's always saying that she likes me, and isn't annoyed with me. I've asked her many times, out of fear, if she actually likes talking to me, and she always says she does, and smiles, and I feel better until she looks away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember, I want you guys to ask questions, I want you to understand. I'm willing to answer any question regarding anything at all, to an extent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My question in all of this is: What do you guys see?

I want to know what I seem like from the eyes of someone else. I keep thinking that she's annoyed with me, but she says she isn't, and I'm sure she is. I want to know what you all think...

And I'm sure it's fairly clear that, no matter what it looks like, I don't want to hear that I should leave her alone. I know it's stupid of me to reject something like that, but it's not what I'm going to accept, so we may as well acknowledge now that I am looking for a sympathetic view, so ask all the questions you guys need to ask in order to see things that way.

I understand that I'm being a socio-pathic, depressed, idiot right now, but I really don't want to think about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's what made me want to write this...

After I walked away from her, to go home, I started to text her.

Text sent to both Sarah and the other girl who was going to be locked out. said:
Next time, [Name] can just close the door on you two.

[Name] signifies the person who was locking them out.

Text sent to Sarah ten minutes later said:
You aren't supposed to drive while upset.
You better pray for me ;)

Then again, you aren't supposd to text either...
Hmm...

Text sent to Sarah 24 minutes later said:
I mean, christ. You have fun all the time, and I'm always upset. It isn't fair for us to switch, just once? Isn't it fair?

Text sent to Sarah 1 minute later said:
You're probably annoyed as hell by now... I would be, if someone were doing this to me...

But I'm a sociopath. And this way, I'll know for sure if you care...

A couple notes: She never responded to any text message, I sent these one after another without any response.

She still hasn't responded, but she is working, so I can understand why she wouldn't... I simply don't believe that to be the true reason..

I've never actually told her how upset I get, but I've wanted to. I want her to know that I'm upset, that way, I'll be able to tell with 100% certainty whether she cares about me or not. But, since I also want people to notice that I'm upset and take action on their own, I've never actually told her that I get depressed over her actions. This is the only time I've ever conveyed to her that I was upset, in any way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it...

I'm surprised I was able to get that much out...

Questions time, I guess...
 

Neonite

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*huggles* I'm not sure what to make of Sarah, to be honest...If I were you, I'd most likely be the same way. (Then again, I usually am that way even when there's little reason behind it.) ._.;

But what I can tell, is that you're not being a "sociopathic, depressed idiot" or anything like that. You're just worried and confused, and for good reason...I think that, if anything, you and Sarah need to have a talk, and set things straight. I'm sure she'd understand you being worried - from what I can tell in the post.
 

Mesmerale

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*huggles* I'm not sure what to make of Sarah, to be honest...If I were you, I'd most likely be the same way. (Then again, I usually am that way even when there's little reason behind it.) ._.;

But what I can tell, is that you're not being a "sociopathic, depressed idiot" or anything like that. You're just worried and confused, and for good reason...I think that, if anything, you and Sarah need to have a talk, and set things straight. I'm sure she'd understand you being worried - from what I can tell in the post.

And then?

We'll talk, she'll say something about how she does care about me, and I'll believe it. Then I'll see her the next day, and it'll hurt, and I'll start up the same thing that I've done now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the urge to text like, a list of 10 people that I have under a group that symbolizes the people who know anything about me, even though it's 2:00 a.m.
 

Trevor

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Sorry you had a rough evening. I think the best you can do at this point is get some rest and look at it again fresh in the morning with some distance. From your initial post, I think you already know the answers to the things that are troubling you, but you're apparently not ready to take them on board. Best of luck working this out. I hope you don't make it too much harder for yourself.
 

ShippoFox

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I don't really see how you're a sociopath. Those are people that do terrible things and are mentally incapable of feeling remorse.

It's possible that it's just how she is. She cares about you, but she isn't able to show it in the way you'd like. :( Or maybe something else has been bothering her lately? If you feel like nothing is accomplished by discussing these problems, then.... ummm... try harder to bring up everything that needs to be discussed, I guess. Make sure she knows specifically which of her actions bothers you a lot. Maybe she isn't really aware of what she's doing to make you feel bad.

I'm trying to help, but I'm afraid my advice here isn't worth too much. I'd probably feel the same way as you if I were in a situation like that. :frown: As Trevor said, sometimes it helps to get some sleep. Sometimes if I'm depressed at night, I'm fine in the morning.
 

Mesmerale

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Sorry you had a rough evening. I think the best you can do at this point is get some rest and look at it again fresh in the morning with some distance. From your initial post, I think you already know the answers to the things that are troubling you, but you're apparently not ready to take them on board. Best of luck working this out. I hope you don't make it too much harder for yourself.

1) I know I'm being difficult.

2) "getting some rest" hasn't helped the past 200 or so days, and I doubt it will solve the problem tonight.

3) You seem pretty dead on with that one. I just don't want to have to deal with it all.

4) And I've been backing myself into corners for about a year now...
 

Neonite

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And then?

We'll talk, she'll say something about how she does care about me, and I'll believe it. Then I'll see her the next day, and it'll hurt, and I'll start up the same thing that I've done now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the urge to text like, a list of 10 people that I have under a group that symbolizes the people who know anything about me, even though it's 2:00 a.m.
Make sure you get everything straight, then. Take some time to talk, make sure that it's how she really really feels, whatever you think it'd be necessary to ease your fears. If you want to really trust her, you've got make sure she understands that you're afraid of this.

A good friend is up there in one of the worst things to lose, and being afraid of losing a friend - and not setting it straight - may end up in it happening when it shouldn't...
 

Mesmerale

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Make sure you get everything straight, then. Take some time to talk, make sure that it's how she really really feels, whatever you think it'd be necessary to ease your fears. If you want to really trust her, you've got make sure she understands that you're afraid of this.

A good friend is up there in one of the worst things to lose, and being afraid of losing a friend - and not setting it straight - may end up in it happening when it shouldn't...

I'm too scared to think clearly.

I don't know what I need to get straight, I just know that I'm afraid.

Everything I am able to get into a sentence, she insists isn't true and gives some semi-plausible reason for it.
 

ShippoFox

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Hmmm.... maybe just see if you can get some time to go do something together. Whether it's just going over to her house or going out somewhere to do stuff. Maybe you'll feel better if you can spend more (non-work) time with her?
 

Mesmerale

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Hmmm.... maybe just see if you can get some time to go do something together. Whether it's just going over to her house or going out somewhere to do stuff. Maybe you'll feel better if you can spend more (non-work) time with her?

Maybe......... Unless I end up feeling worse every time she isn't able to or says no or gets distracted or etc...
 

avery

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i agree with everyone else: you're not being a sociopath. i think everyone gets into these one-way relationships with people who give you a little, but who you want so much more from.

it's like that radiohead song, "nice dream:"

i call up my friend the good angel
but she's out with her answerphone
she says that she'd love to come help but
the sea would electrocute us all

when i was a teenager i had several friends who i felt that way about. i wanted all this time and attention from them, but most of they time they seemed to be all busy with their own lives. when i DID get a little one-on-one time they were wonderful -- so caring and understanding -- but the rest of the time they seemed sort of callous and indifferent toward me.

sarah must be a really kind, awesome person for you to have revealed so much of your deep personal stuff to her. but at the same time, it's clear that you care about her way more than she cares about you. it could be that there's a devlish little part of her that enjoys watching you pander, and relishes being in such high demand with people. i doubt your relationship with her is going to change much; it will always be fairly unsatisfying to you. i'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with her, i'm just suggesting that you should try to concentrate on other more satisfying friendships with people who don't stand above you and make you grovel. you'll get much better emotional support from people who will look at you eye-to-eye.

i've found that as an adult i don't have relationships like that so much anymore. it's nice to be a more socially stable, self-sufficient person, but on the other hand i sort of miss the way i could get so preoccupied with someone and idolize them like that.
 

Maxicoon

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:hugs:You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel. And I would suggest that you sit down and talk in person. Texting and such things are ineffective for this type of discussion. I would also suggest talking it over with someone outside of the situation some times an unbiased opinion can bring a certain clarity to things like this.

Of course this coming from someone who hasn't had anything resembling a true friend since the age of nine years old. So my opinon might be null and void after all these years.
 

Mesmerale

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i agree with everyone else: you're not being a sociopath. i think everyone gets into these one-way relationships with people who give you a little, but who you want so much more from.

it's like that radiohead song, "nice dream:"

i call up my friend the good angel
but she's out with her answerphone
she says that she'd love to come help but
the sea would electrocute us all

when i was a teenager i had several friends who i felt that way about. i wanted all this time and attention from them, but most of they time they seemed to be all busy with their own lives. when i DID get a little one-on-one time they were wonderful -- so caring and understanding -- but the rest of the time they seemed sort of callous and indifferent toward me.

sarah must be a really kind, awesome person for you to have revealed so much of your deep personal stuff to her. but at the same time, it's clear that you care about her way more than she cares about you. it could be that there's a devlish little part of her that enjoys watching you pander, and relishes being in such high demand with people. i doubt your relationship with her is going to change much; it will always be fairly unsatisfying to you. i'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with her, i'm just suggesting that you should try to concentrate on other more satisfying friendships with people who don't stand above you and make you grovel. you'll get much better emotional support from people who will look at you eye-to-eye.

i've found that as an adult i don't have relationships like that so much anymore. it's nice to be a more socially stable, self-sufficient person, but on the other hand i sort of miss the way i could get so preoccupied with someone and idolize them like that.

Sarah is one of the friendships that I /was/ focusing on to avoid thinking about a /different/ friendship....

:hugs:You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel. And I would suggest that you sit down and talk in person. Texting and such things are ineffective for this type of discussion. I would also suggest talking it over with someone outside of the situation some times an unbiased opinion can bring a certain clarity to things like this.

Of course this coming from someone who hasn't had anything resembling a true friend since the age of nine years old. So my opinon might be null and void after all these years.

That's why I'm doing this...

And I can't communicate in real life... This sort of thing that I'm doing right now would be impossible for me in person...
 

Rene

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i cant bear to see my sister sad! *Huggles*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Neonite

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That's why I'm doing this...

And I can't communicate in real life... This sort of thing that I'm doing right now would be impossible for me in person...

God, don't I know how that is. x.x
I'm all happy and snuggly online, but in real life, I'm just shy and distant...
 

Rene

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God, don't I know how that is. x.x
I'm all happy and snuggly online, but in real life, I'm just shy and distant...

awwwww

*SNUGGLES*

oh... wait... thats online aswell......

hmmmm..... i need to ponder this, specially because im the opposite in real life, im actually class loud mouth of 09'......


hmmmm.....

ohwell.... *SNUGGLES*
 

Maxicoon

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Sarah is one of the friendships that I /was/ focusing on to avoid thinking about a /different/ friendship....



That's why I'm doing this...

And I can't communicate in real life... This sort of thing that I'm doing right now would be impossible for me in person...

Could you try writing a letter explaining the situaition to her? Simply writing out your thoughts or what you want to say could help.:twocents:
 
F

Falkio

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Mesmerale, I am posting this here because I like you. You have good Karma.

From my perspective:

You are genuinely a good person, and an asset to our community. Always helping people, the posts you make are never half-hearted. Relationships can be a precarious thing. I can understand where you come from when you say “clingy”. I feel very attached to several members here on ADISC. I cherish their fondness of me. Trouble with friends doesn’t do much for self-esteem. I can obviously tell something is troubling you. You are nervous: almost completely unsure of what to do - like angst is keeping you on your toes. We are here to help you! I have definitely felt this way before, so allow me to share my thoughts.

About what happened:

I would not take the door incident to heart. Everybody messes around with friends at some point in their lifetime. It is human nature. If Sarah lashed out at you in the heat of the moment, she probably didn’t mean it. The fact that you divulged so many personal secrets to her proves that there is trust in your relationship. Even my friends get temperamental sometimes. Everyone will eventually. Just let it pass without a worry. Despite feeling bad, I think you made the right choice in giving Sarah her space.

My best friend in the world, whom I trust and adore, even ignores me at times. He will be busy with sports, or school, or travel - and never return my calls. Sometimes I wonder if he even receives my email. Yes, I know how you feel. It is depressing. It makes you feel desperate. He is closer than a brother, and when he is too lazy to acknowledge me, I become irritated. My honest opinion is that your friend just needs some alone time. Everyone has mood swings. She isn’t avoiding you deliberately. As you mentioned, she is happy to see you. When you start to feel depressed, just think of something positive. What do you like to do? Is there anyone else you find meaningful to talk to? Call them instead. Why do you feel depressed when she leaves? Is it because you miss her, or just responsively are set in that mood?

When you mentioned feeling “hurt” and frustrated, I can relate. You want to know how she really feels. Is she angry? Was it something I did / said? How do I fix it? Questions race through your mind. But going deeper and asking her just makes it worse. It is like apologizing for doing something wrong, but you know the damage is already done. The waiting phase gets to you. Perhaps you feel like her responses aren’t genuine, and that how she acts around you is just a fake front. I hate that feeling; it’s even worse then being pushed away. Honestly, I wouldn’t ignore her altogether. But it probably isn’t a good idea to ask if she’s annoyed. Being approached like that usually results in a hostile response.

The last thing I have to say is in regards to the text messages. If you outright divulge your frustrations, she could take it as “obsessive”. Please don’t take this the wrong way! People are very fickle creatures. You have to play your cards *just* right to mine someone for information. Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all. Be patient. When you see her at work, maybe mention, “Hey, did you get my text messages?” Then, depending on what she says, ask her questions. There is a possibility that she was just busy. A true friend will open up to you. But you cannot be too direct. I’m guessing she will eventually tell you what’s on her mind. Until then, take a deep breath, and know that we are here for you. I wish you the best of luck Mesmerale. If you need anything, even just someone to talk to, you are welcome to join my Skype group. We have a fellowship there. Nobody judges you.

*Hugs*
 
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