What are your little cycles? Do you know what triggers them?

[psychonautalis]

Hello again..... recently, I've logged back into here, thinking I wouldn't do that ever again.. but there's a lot of things I think I'd never do again....
..............It seems like inevitably, every single year, right around christmas, and for a few months after, I feel like I'm almost forced by my brain into little space.

I think somehow, eventually if I just meditate enough, or get enough therapy, or take enough dmt/ayahuasca, I will some how heal the part of me that feels the need to be this way and have these things in my life. I got through the majority of 2022 without even an urge or a second thought to wear a diaper or have a pacifier or a bottle, I actually thought I was "healing"..... I actually thought I was going to FINALLY finally let go of these silly childish behaviors... Most of my stuff sat in the back of my closet untouched. I did some cleaning a few months back and seriously almost got rid of my baby stash, but in stark actuality..... I'm really really glad I didn't, like really glad......

I feel like that episode of spongebob, where he tries to breath air ... for some reason I just don't think I need it, (for some reason I do).

I'm not really sure what triggers my triggers my little cycles, I do think some of it has to do with stress or just timing, I honestly wonder if stress can compound over time. Because I'm fine until winter rolls around and the season settles down. (I work in agriculture) And then my brain gets sick or something. Every single year. Almost like clockwork (at this point I'm starting to assume. ) and then I like really NEED it. Almost like a drug and I can't think about anything else. It's almost intrusive sometimes. I will literally spend money I do not have to buy another pack of ABUs and a bottle I thought I didnt' need, (the other one was NOT cutting it), spend (waste?) hours looking at AB stuff that I fantasize about buying, go out of my way to drive to the store obsess over toys (and try my DAMNdest not to buy anything, I shouldn't have money honestly), watch cartoons for hours, the list goes on...

Part of me feels some shame around the whole thing, almost like I should have known better and planned accordingly, but also shame in the fact that I feel like I can't get away from feeling like this, or like what the heck is even going on with my brain when I allow myself to have that stuff. Something is seriously going on with my brain when I suck my pacifier, bottle, wear a diaper, etc. My whole body almost involuntarily convulses and I get covered in goosebumps in my head, all the way down my neck, throughout my body and to my toes, nothing else exists or remotely makes sense at that point.. Sometimes, I hate that I feel this way at all. Is it even good to give in? Should I have more discipline? Sometimes I feel so confused like I should be doing something more evolutionary with my life...

Sometimes, It feels like I have executive dysfunction. Like my frontal cortex goes offline and things stop making sense. Sometimes my brain literally forces me into little space. It used to happen a lot more when I worked long hours in a print shop and I would have to focus diligently for hours, doing the same thing over and over. It almost feels like a mental break down when it happens. I can tell it's happening when I start making lots of stupid little mistakes and/or get upset easily. I usually feel very sensitive and emotional when it happens, among a few other things suprisingly like stress incontinence (even though they say it isn't related to psychological stress??? I disagree by anecdote) I'm glad it's only happening in the winter time, when people kind of recluse anyhow, but it has happened in the summer time and it was very inconvenient, I'm so busy in the summer time.

I guess in general, I feel like I have important things to do. I'm working on finishing my master's degree and i have a full time job at a university. I'm trying to start my own business and buy a house. I feel like part of me really rejects and disassociates from this part of myself. Part of me feels scared to have relationships. I don't know. I don't even know how to write about these things in my own journal, let alone to speak it out loud. I guess I'm realizing that I actually do need some space and time for my little cycles, and thankfully I've been able to get some clarity on timing, so I can help myself out. It almost feels like a separate part of myself at times. Sometimes it feels like a curse, and I've tried so so freaking hard in my 27 years of life to let this all go. Learning to let go of shame has been the biggest journey of all. Thankful for all of you and the space to express these really vulnerable and conflicting thoughts I've been having. I guess I'm just looking for support. I'll be getting therapy for the first time ever since childhood soon. It will take a whole lot to open up like this, but I hope to someday, if anything just to be more accepting of myself. I really appreciate the older babies who can offer some insight about their cycles having had more trips around the sun, but appreciate all insight and opinions of course. Only love here.

-your fellow AB, and psychonaut

 

[sinceiwassmall]

I guess in general, I feel like I have important things to do. I'm working on finishing my master's degree and i have a full time job at a university. I'm trying to start my own business and buy a house.

There was an ABDL thread somewhere a year or so ago, maybe even here, about how many fairly high-level professionals do this. I’m one. My best ever friendship by far in this world was with a law student who is now well into successfully practising.

This stuff needs to be balanced, befriended, allowed to be what it is, and explored with the lovingkindness you would give a very close friend. It has to be integrated. It can’t be buried. Most or all of us tried that first (and found the same thing you are finding).

So, very best wishes from a fellow traveller on your necessary return. May this be a healthy, deepening place for you — a place that you find ways to use to help you achieve all those other goals.

 

[psychonautalis]

There was an ABDL thread somewhere a year or so ago, maybe even here, about how many fairly high-level professionals do this. I’m one. My best ever friendship by far in this world was with a law student who is now well into successfully practising.

This stuff needs to be balanced, befriended, allowed to be what it is, and explored with the lovingkindness you would give a very close friend. It has to be integrated. It can’t be buried. Most or all of us tried that first (and found the same thing you are finding).

So, very best wishes from a fellow traveller on your necessary return. May this be a healthy, deepening place for you — a place that you find ways to use to help you achieve all those other goals.

Thanks for taking the time to offer your personal insight, it is very appreciated.

Still learning how to integrate these things into my life. I think the adhd is making it more complicated to be honest. Associations are weird man. (If this=that, then that=this// NO!) of all the weird secrets a person can have and my brain chose this one. Couldn't I have had like a katy perry obsession or something ?

Any suggestions for creating more balance in a person's life, especially for a person who has big people things to accomplish?

I know I'm a little at heart, I know that, I also want to accomplish something significant in my life. I don't want my littleness to be the reason I resign my life, and I also don't want my life to be the reason I resign my littleness. At this point I've realized it's an integral part of who I am, but sometimes its also hard to take that part of myself seriously.

 

[SparkleAlchemist]

Thanks for taking the time to offer your personal insight, it is very appreciated.

Still learning how to integrate these things into my life. I think the adhd is making it more complicated to be honest. Associations are weird man. (If this=that, then that=this// NO!) of all the weird secrets a person can have and my brain chose this one. Couldn't I have had like a katy perry obsession or something ?

Any suggestions for creating more balance in a person's life, especially for a person who has big people things to accomplish?

I know I'm a little at heart, I know that, I also want to accomplish something significant in my life. I don't want my littleness to be the reason I resign my life, and I also don't want my life to be the reason I resign my littleness. At this point I've realized it's an integral part of who I am, but sometimes its also hard to take that part of myself seriously.

I definitely don't think you have to resign your life for littleness. A person can do evolutionary and significant things and still be little. I know littles who are professors and lawyers and some in tech. One even rich enough he was able to buy his own plane. I currently work as an emergency dispatcher and my colleagues would never know I came home last night and put on a diaper and played video games. It's very possible to keep work and home life separate. You just gotta find what works for you and that can take time.

-a fellow little who wants to do amazing things, but also has a Katy Perry obsession

 

[OmiOMy]

There was an ABDL thread somewhere a year or so ago, maybe even here, about how many fairly high-level professionals do this. I’m one. My best ever friendship by far in this world was with a law student who is now well into successfully practising.

This stuff needs to be balanced, befriended, allowed to be what it is, and explored with the lovingkindness you would give a very close friend. It has to be integrated. It can’t be buried. Most or all of us tried that first (and found the same thing you are finding).

So, very best wishes from a fellow traveller on your necessary return. May this be a healthy, deepening place for you — a place that you find ways to use to help you achieve all those other goals.

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I'm in agreement with this.

My little-cycles are almost always triggered by trauma or fluctuating cycles in my bipolar.

In fact yesterday I had one related to a fall that I apparently dissociated COMPLETELY in and just kinda got stuck in 'space. I remember being weirdly fussy and just wanting to sleep...I basically haven't really been AWAKE since Friday.

 

[Eclectic]

I think most of us struggle with accepting this part of us. A part of my personality and way of reducing stress is being little. You will see a lot of people call ABDL a fetish. But, strictly speaking, for many ABDLs, it is not. It is more like a personality quirk and emotional need that needs to be fulfilled.

The best advice I can give to integrate is to try to separate your sexual needs from your little space needs. Sometimes the two might be together, but try to think of those times as only an innocent pleasure, which it most certainly is.

I also put a positive spin on it by looking at other people who destress by drinking alcohol, using drugs or doing some other harmful habit. For me, I would much rather drink milk from a sippy cup and play with wooden blocks or some other toy. Which do you think is more healthy? In that way, I believe I am more blessed than most.

 

[Wondercrinkee]

@psychonautalis Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for any overthinking, if it happens. You'll notice as you age, which I have done despite myself; that things get clearer. Worries and concerns evolve into other facets of understanding with both your reality in the here and now and your internal reality about your existence.
You know how to balance your life because I read your interests. Your soul chooses inspiration, motivation, and contemplation to make sense of what is and what is whatever. If that makes sense.

You are bright, and allow yourself to allow yourself the simple pleasures and freedoms and needs you want. Clearly, you know better than to do things that are hurtful to yourself and your introspection will always be your friend, not your enemy.

It is healthy to question life and actions. It is what is the forever process of our souls expanding and experiencing this life.

Play is okay. We have to balance the crazy things in life. I call humans "High-tech apes" sometimes because we have to remember how fun it is to climb a tree. Take a long quiet walk in nature. Separate from the silliness of papers, computers, media, and unwanted things that happen in life. It's a healthy "out" to play in "little space." Whatever brings you that balance, though; is essential to have that balance with yourself so that navigating through life is easier. Less complicated. You must be your best friend and trust in your relationship with yourself. Then you are always empowered. (It took me a very long journey to learn this even though I knew it. I was stubborn and full of doubt and questions. We hear all the stuff that goes into our heads, and it can get crazy confusing...)

I used to love watching my horse roll in the dirt after a ride. It was like he was just re-aligning, rubbing, and wiping off the day. Then he'd shake all the way down like a dog after a bath. With a slightly relaxed grunt.

We all have to do that, too.

When it all comes down to it: We/ourselves are really the only ones truly for us. As individual humans, we need to make sure our relationship with ourselves is protected. Sound. Balanced. And okay. Ride out the heavy winds like an eagle. It's okay to play without self-analysis.

I think you have it pretty well good in the right direction.

 

[psychonautalis]

Thank you all, I am grateful to have the space to reflect on these things openly, and that, at the end of the day, confuses the hell out of my over analytical mind. I do my best to remain calm amidst the swirls of thoughts that plunder my psyche.

I really resonate with what you said @Wondercrinkee about "allowing oneself to allow oneself." That is something I actually had not fully considered, and I realize that truly IS the full essence of self acceptance... I guess I do allow myself to enjoy these things, but not without a considerable amount of self questioning and guilt, and I realize, that isn't really full acceptance. Self doubt leads to so many issues in life, and it just sucks. Thank you for pointing that out. It is very insightful.

I also resonate @Eclectic with your statement about keeping little time separated from other aspects of life. I think that helps to really discern what it is that we are actually getting from that headspace and time. Intention is everything. I feel like there hasn't ever been much intention around my little time. I feel like I have just been reacting in some way to some deeper needs rather than specifically separating time aside from my life for self-care and time to be little. Thank you also for pointing that out.

Awareness is such a trippy thing and being hyper-aware (and critical) of myself and these patterns has actually led to this sort of separation of myself, ever since I can remember. I can see how much safety and nervous system regulation that I get when I allow myself to have little time tho. I wish I didn't carry so much shame about it. I guess I'm just being honest when i say that I weird myself out man, but I know it's a healthy way to deal with whatever is going on my brain, and honestly helps to shut it off.

Part of me wonders if there is a reason why I am like this...Like I can allow myself to allow myself, and learn to make space and time, but I still have such a seeker at heart and I wonder deeply if this isn't some mental protective mechanism that my brain goes through in response to some kind of wound in my mind triggered by stress from some kind of buried trauma or something.

Is there any correlation to abdl and traumas ? (I can't help but ask these questions as a curious mind) I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home but not looking to blame, but just to understand. I also know there are some who are much more sensitive and need more care also, so people can have a spectrum of experiences with life and a spectrum of coping mechanisms. I guess I'm just like WHAT IS IT. I'm starting to think it's just a coping mechanism to escape stress, comparatively healthy to others, but a coping mechanism none-the-less. And now I'm like WHAT AM I COPING FROM. Are these attachment issues? Maybe I'm getting into the realm of therapy here.. Curious out of pure speculation also.

Sorry, sometimes my brain explodes a little... 😶

 

[Stargazer93]

Its almost always the same thing that triggers it for me and that is stress or having a really bad day. Its a deeply ingrained coping mechanism.

 

[siysiy]

Thank you for sharing I will write more for you when time allows

but you are not alone

hugs

 

[siysiy]

Hi

I really hope this is going to be helpful to you.

I got through the majority of 2022 without even an urge or a second thought to wear a diaper or have a pacifier or a bottle, I actually thought I was "healing"..... I actually thought I was going to FINALLY finally let go of these silly childish behaviors... Most of my stuff sat in the back of my closet untouched. I did some cleaning a few months back and seriously almost got rid of my baby stash, but in stark actuality..... I'm really really glad I didn't.

I would encourage you not to look at this as something that needs healing, as that is just putting pressure on yourself, the pressure that you don’t need, instead accepted that this is part of you, I know all too well the pressure to “BE NORMAL.” and “silly childish behaviours.” Is not seen as Normal Behaviour and everything tells us that from the popular media and what is seen as social norms. but the thing about being normal is that no one is. if you would like I can send you more detail about that in a PM.

I'm not really sure what triggers my triggers my little cycles, I do think some of it has to do with stress or just timing, I honestly wonder if stress can compound over time. Because I'm fine until winter rolls around and the season settles down. (I work in agriculture) And then my brain gets sick or something. Every single year. Almost like clockwork (at this point I'm starting to assume. ) and then I like really NEED it. Almost like a drug and I can't think about anything else. It's almost intrusive sometimes.

This is what happens when your Adult side doesn’t listen to or has a relationship with your Little side/ Inner child. your inner child has a temper tantrum and it forces you to spend time doing childlike activities.

I would encourage you to have a relationship with your Inner Child and make time for them to come out to play for a while, I know you are far too buzzy for all that you have all this very important Adulting to do. But by stopping even if it is for a full hours each week and letting yourself have ME Time will bring something that destresses you from all that pressure of being an adult that life brings us. if you want help in getting in touch with your inner child, I can send you some support for doing that.

Accepting that you are a Little/Middle is not giving something up it is more about saying that this is me, how I am, not what the world wants me to be but how I am and IT OK.

well, I hope that is of help.

Hugs Siysiy the Wonder Kid.

 

[siysiy]

Is there any correlation to abdl and traumas ? (I can't help but ask these questions as a curious mind) I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home but not looking to blame, but just to understand. I also know there are some who are much more sensitive and need more care also, so people can have a spectrum of experiences with life and a spectrum of coping mechanisms. I guess I'm just like WHAT IS IT. I'm starting to think it's just a coping mechanism to escape stress, comparatively healthy to others, but a coping mechanism none-the-less. And now I'm like WHAT AM I COPING FROM. Are these attachment issues? Maybe I'm getting into the realm of therapy here.. Curious out of pure speculation also.

Sorry, sometimes my brain explodes a little... 😶

Yes, there is a correlation between traumas and ABDL. the Inner child can carry the trauma whatever that is, through Inner child work/ being in touch with your Inner child/ Little side the trauma or traumas as I bet there is more that one can be looked at and a plan for closure put into place although I not sure if we ever have complete closure but we can have self-forgiveness.

hugs

 

[Veljie]

Yes sleep and dreaming. Every time i wake up i want to be little
then gat a little sad knowing not today maybe tomorrow