Status
Not open for further replies.

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
I recently started sleeping with a friend of mine on a strictly friends-with-benefits basis. After a few weeks the topic of sexual fantasies came up and we started talking about our experiences, things that we secretly wanted to try and our fetishes. He dared me to try and guess what his fetish was so I named as many as I could think of. He declined being "into" any of the ones I listed. He started to get rather uncomfortable and began saying how much he wanted to tell me what he liked but he was scared of what I would think. I didn't pressure him because I could tell how much of a strain and effort emotionally it was for him to be even considering telling me. He finally, and nervously, spilled the beans and explained that he was into Diapers (he wanted his partner to wear one etc). He said he had only ever told an ex about his desire and it hadn't ended well - much embarrassment etc. It has been on my mind ever since he told me and we even talked about trying it out.
We continued to sleep together but nothing out of the ordinary happened until the last time we saw each other and he asked if I wanted to wear one for him. I declined, saying I wasn't comfortable with the idea yet because he sprung it on me but over the last few days I had been thinking about fulfilling his fantasy more and more. So, I went and bought some adult Diapers from the chemist, we arranged to meet up and I surprised him by dressing up in a German beer wench costume with the Diaper on under it. He LOVED it. I stayed the night and we used more Diapers in the morning. About 5 min after we had finished he was suddenly saying how guilty he felt and how disgusting he was, how we should just forget it ever happened because it was "wrong" for him to like Diapers. I told him i didn't regret anything and that I had lots of fun, that the only person who thought he was disgusting was himself.

I just don't know how to go about making him see that it is OK to have fantasies and fetishes and that I am enjoying helping him fulfill them. I want to make him feel less guilty. I think he hates himself for wanting to do these things. How can I go about doing this!? HELP!
 

Coops

Est. Contributor
Messages
177
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
I think what you could do is talk about when you wore a diaper for him.

Did you enjoy it at all? Even if you didn't you could speak to the positives as to why you enjoyed doing it for him.

I've told two girlfriends about my fetish. One when I was 15, she would wear diapers with me and wet them and play. the other who I'm currently with knows and I wear diapers around her (and constantly break her "no wet diapers in bed" rule) and she even helps diaper me every noe and again but finds it weird... not gross or anything just a strange fetish... She really enjoys dominance and being tied up.

So what will I do soon? I'ma tie her up and put her in a diaper!

She may not like it, but she will most likely let me diaper her and maybe I can convince her to wet it to be "let free"

If you're accepting of his fetish, he shouldn't be ashamed. It's a private life, nobody else needs to know and he should feel free to do what he wants to feel good.
 

mrtowtruck76

Est. Contributor
Messages
65
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
Welcome Rabbitt, you pose a very interesting question but also I think a very common one in a way. As a male I have noticed that after I ejaculate I have feelings of guilt and remorse, these have faded plenty over time. I have never done a poll but it seems that is a common issue for a lot of a/t/b/dl's.
In my opinion the best thing you can do is to positively encourage your friend throughout and after your love making. I really wish you two the best of luck in working through this issue.
 

dogboy

Est. Contributor
Messages
22,628
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
I think you're very nice for sharing this with him. Yes, it's not unusual to feel guilt after sex. Like mrtowtruck said, all you can do is to continue to build him up about this, reassuring him that there is nothing to be ashamed over this. I suspect that when the sap rises again, as it always does, he will show interest in it. It's just part of the cycle. After you participate in it many times, the guilt tends to wain.
 

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
What is sap?? :s I did try to prepare myself going into this, reading about different forms of diaper fetish, the psychology behind the purge and binge and I also tried watching some of the diaper porn out there - just to see how it made me feel. I'm still learning. I feel like this is something that really eats him up inside. I realised I might be able to help him deal with it and I was comfortable/ I trusted him enough but now I dont know if I'm in over my head!
 

DLking

Est. Contributor
Messages
39
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
Your not in over your head. You are being an awesome friend for being open minded and willing to experiment. One thing you can do is express to him that you are ok with him having a fetish and you understand he can't change that. I used to feel very guilty about my diaper fetish and indulging in it. I even tried to cure myself of this fetish. It wasn't until I excepted myself for being the way I am that I was able to find peace with it. Understanding Infantilism that website helped me a lot. I am on fetlife more than I am on here so if you have any more questions you can find me there, my username is DLking.
 

Cloud

Est. Contributor
Messages
532
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
  2. Incontinent
You are very sweet for both keeping an open mind and doing your homework for this lucky guy. You have come to the right place.

What i want to weigh in on is the aftermath. Like Dogboy and others have stated, ranging from a few minutes to a few hours after climax, we seem to get very ashamed of ourselves. But when we are experiencing this by ourselves, it is easier to bounce back and cope with our guilt. A kind of a "well at least no one needs to know.. moving on" notion. But with someone else, it can get harsher because there isn't a safety net of privacy. Post orgasm can be like being smacked out of a trance or a deep REM sleep. Kind of like a "Oh god! What have I done! You think I'm weird! PANIC! PANIC!" Type thing. And please don't get me wrong, 95% of us who don't already have partners who participate with our fetish would do anything for one. It just an adjustment that needs to be made after a whole life of keeping our fetish to ourselves.

Most likely, he has already regretted telling you to forget it.. and he's completely embarrassed and confused, knowing that you are confused. Please be assured that you did a very amazing thing that made him very happy, he just wasn't prepared for the aftermath part just yet. If you care, maybe you bring it up and note something of the things that we all have explained here. Say something like "Look, I know this makes you happy and you just had a little bit of a guilt attack.. nothing is ruined, don't panic" He will feel better and you guy can resume your activities unscathed. If he is anything like me, he will definitely want to experiment with diapers again :sweatdrop:

this guy also BETTER be doing something really really nice for YOU too. Make sure that happens! Good luck buddy. :smile1:
 

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
Thank you so much for your advice. It's really great to get this kind of feed back. I think you are so right about him being overwhelmed by the fact that it is all out in the open with me. I hadn't really looked at it from the perspective of it being such a big secret to suddenly being accepted by someone - it much be such a shock. I know initially right after he told me he didn't really mention it again - probably thinking that once he told me I would go running for the hills but I stuck around. So then he felt more relaxed. I know I just need to keep reassuring him that I'm not freaked out by what he enjoys but at the same time I get the feeling he will put up his guard and block me out. Since we aren't romantically attached (even though I care deeply for him) I don't have the same re-assuring stance that perhaps a girlfriend would have in this situation. But, then again, I guess it would be easier for him to tell a fuck-buddy about his secret than it would have been to tell someone who he was in love with. There is much less for him to lose with me. I so deeply want him to overcome this mentality that he is crazy and sick because he has this fetish. I KNOW he thinks its holding him back in life. I KNOW it is on his mind constantly as a nagging thing he feels weakens him.

---------- Post added at 18:09 ---------- Previous post was at 18:06 ----------

Also, after I left in the morning I texted him saying how I had fun doing it and I knew he did as well. I also said I didn't think anything we did was "wrong" and that I wished he could see he wasn't hurting anybody by liking it.
 

Wazzle

Est. Contributor
Messages
552
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
  2. Carer
  3. Other
Introduce him to this site! It has helped me and many other people accept it and feel comfortable about it.
 

Trevor

Est. Contributor
Messages
9,560
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Babyfur
I think you're very nice for sharing this with him. Yes, it's not unusual to feel guilt after sex. Like mrtowtruck said, all you can do is to continue to build him up about this, reassuring him that there is nothing to be ashamed over this. I suspect that when the sap rises again, as it always does, he will show interest in it. It's just part of the cycle. After you participate in it many times, the guilt tends to wain.

What is sap?? :s I did try to prepare myself going into this, reading about different forms of diaper fetish, the psychology behind the purge and binge and I also tried watching some of the diaper porn out there - just to see how it made me feel. I'm still learning. I feel like this is something that really eats him up inside. I realised I might be able to help him deal with it and I was comfortable/ I trusted him enough but now I dont know if I'm in over my head!

In this case, sap is just a euphemism for desire, like sap in trees is purported to rise in spring, apparently erroneously. Our urges tend to rise and fall as you've read. Not an ABDL-ism, just a Dogboy-ism. Coincidentally, SAP refers to Super Absorbant Polymer, one of the big active components of a diaper, so in that form it's a word that comes around from time to time in our conversations.

As to your original question, you've gotten some very good feedback here and I'll just mostly echo that. You're doing exactly the right thing already. Many (most) of us harbor these feelings of guilt and essential wrongness of our desires. They go in opposition of pretty deep-seated cultural training to grow up, be a man, and stop pissing yourself. Expect that it will take a little time, but when he sees that it's not like murdering puppies, odds are he'll start to relate better to it. Lastly be advised that the guilt may be some part of his whole scenario and in some measure may provide some enjoyment, but that's more for the advanced class. For now, in this, I think you're going about it properly. Make sure he's keeping up his end of the bargain and doing things pleasurable for you as well. Continue to be kind and supportive and good to each other and have a good time!
 

Fragarach

Est. Contributor
Messages
210
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
If ti helps, My darling other half is not into diapers at all, yet she wears for me occasionally because I like to sleep next to her when she is padded. I constantly ask her how she feels about it and she says it does not bother her and she actually says she feels a little silly but its worth it to her as it makes me happy. I don't force it and she does not deny it to me so its a good balance as I also indulge her in her fantasies. Although I have noticed that when she sleeps padded she tends to sleep better and she curls up almost fetal position... its fascinating how the diaper causes a non DL/AB to subconsciously regress to her infant sleep state.
 

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
Thank you for replying! We have talked a little about things I would like to try but it hasn't really come down to that yet because this was kind of standing in the way - the elephant in the room. At first when he asked me to try it I was utterly embarrassed about the idea of wearing one! It was an unreasonable emotion to have since it was so clear that he wasn't going to judge of make fun of me for doing it, he would actually be enjoying it! So, I think that, like you say, there is this part of most adults that don't want to regress etc. Perhaps if I bring some focus back to MY fantasies he wont feel so alone?? The idea of another person having desires could help take some weight off his back.
 

tiny

Est. Contributor
Messages
6,106
Role
  1. Little
Just a thought... but I wonder if this is quite a strong urge that he's suppressed for a long time. After being given the "green light", maybe he feels he got carried away in the heat of the moment and didn't keep checking with you that you were happy with what was going on. One second he was lost in the moment, and the next he was thinking "Oh my goodness -- I'm forcing my fetish on some poor innocent person! What am I thinking?!"

If that is the case, maybe you could gently suggest your own fantasies and (if you're feeling generous) say that it's on the condition that you still get to participate in his fantasies too, as it's only fair and you really don't mind. That way, if the problem is that he's worried about being "too demanding" of you, he'll be able to see that this isn't something that you have a problem with (whether you're particularly into it or not), and that if you share your fantasies, this could be a massive win-win for both of you!

Obviously I could be barking up the wrong tree! Good luck, anyway! :thumbsup:
 

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
"Oh my goodness -- I'm forcing my fetish on some poor innocent person! What am I thinking?!"

He has expressed that feeling actually - of pushing this "disgusting" thing onto an innocent person and feeling super guilty about it. When he told me about it it was clear he hated his fetish and then the second time we talked about it and he asked me to try it he back-peddled SUPER quickly saying he would only "ruin" me if i ever let him and to forget he had ever asked. I think maybe if I give him a day or two to cool down and then remind him that I'm OK with what happened. I just don't want him to feel too pressured about taking this forward.
 

tiny

Est. Contributor
Messages
6,106
Role
  1. Little
When he told me about it it was clear he hated his fetish and then the second time we talked about it and he asked me to try it he back-peddled SUPER quickly saying he would only "ruin" me if i ever let him and to forget he had ever asked.

I wonder if he does hate it or whether he's just so embarrassed that he almost feels belittled by you knowing... Like he's worrying that you're thinking what we're told that "society" thinks about nappies (they're childish, disgusting, un-manly, weird, etc.), but you're just too polite to tell him! I really don't know -- but I'd definitely feel a bit like that if I ever told "some poor innocent person"!

I think maybe if I give him a day or two to cool down and then remind him that I'm OK with what happened. I just don't want him to feel too pressured about taking this forward.

I guess the most important thing would be not to force the issue, and not to make it seem like a big deal. Maybe just casually mention that you enjoyed yourself (or didn't mind -- whatever the truth is) and leave it for a few days.

Since, for most people, there's some kind of sexual arousal involved (psychologically) with the fetish, it will probably seem least disgusting and uncomfortable to him when you're being intimate and he's in a state of arousal, so maybe that would be the best time to gently approach the subject again...?

I don't know... maybe he just needs to be re-assured that you're fully consenting and that no one is being harmed, and you're not going to tell anyone, and you don't think he's weird (maybe a good time to mention any weird fetishes/fantasies you have as if to "prove" that everyone is weird and to take the focus off him for a bit)...?

I have to say, though, it's pretty awesome that you're so accepting of this, particularly if it's not something that you're into. Maybe your friend is just so blown away by it that he can't believe his luck! Communication is the key to any relationship, so if you can both be relaxed and share your feelings with each other, it sounds like you'd have a good thing going!

(I should probably say that being quite useless at communication and relationships in general, I'm in no position to be giving advice, so heed it at your peril!)
 

Rabbitt

Contributor
Messages
15
Role
I wonder if he does hate it or whether he's just so embarrassed that he almost feels belittled by you knowing... Like he's worrying that you're thinking what we're told that "society" thinks about nappies (they're childish, disgusting, un-manly, weird, etc.), but you're just too polite to tell him! I really don't know -- but I'd definitely feel a bit like that if I ever told "some poor innocent person"![/I]

When he first told me he made me promise I wouldn't tell ANYONE EVER about it and I was quite shocked that he wanted to tell me at all since we aren't a couple. He said he felt he trusted me enough but (it would take a lot of detailed explaining to express) the nature of our relationship is so new - we haven't been close friends for very long at all. It was a big deal to tell me such a huge secret so early on - like within a few weeks of spending a lot of time together. I must come across as a very open person!!! He may well be feeling belittled by my "knowing" since his personality is the type that strives to be super outgoing, strong, honest and the alpha male - which is probably why his fetish takes the form of being dominant over the wearer and in charge of the situation. It is like a weakness for him.

It has also occurred to me that perhaps he might be frightened of having someone who does accept his fetish - if he meets someone he wants to date etc then I think he feels he will have to return to having "normal" sex so that he doesn't lose his love interest. If he allows himself to indulge in diapers with me now then maybe he thinks he will become sort of "addicted" to having it regularly and wont be able to return to normality...if you get my drift?? I know for a fact that he never told his most recent ex-girlfriend and even though his first ex (from a few years ago) did indulge him once, I don't think he has ever had the opportunity to try it again until now.

I haven't told anyone about his fetish by I have had discussions with my very close friends about the fact that we have been experimenting with our (non-specific) fantasies. I didn't know how to deal with knowing about it all.

---------- Post added at 13:44 ---------- Previous post was at 13:37 ----------

Thanks for that link, I had a browse last night. It was very helpful :)
 

DLking

Est. Contributor
Messages
39
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
I know one of my biggest worries about telling my gf is that she will tell her friends or one of them and then it will spread. So make sure you reassure him that this can be kept between the two of you and that he can trust you not to tell others.
 

happysnaps

Est. Contributor
Messages
121
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
So, now he is ignoring me. oh boy.

I told my current girlfriend and she's been really great about it. She's not into it the same way I am, but she thinks it's cute, cuddles me, wears herself from time to time, etc.

I still get into huge resentful moods about it occasionally though. It's a huge amount of power in many respects to hand over to someone else by telling them, and you do feel like you're subverting them by having them participate in your 'problem'. There's also a running thought in the back of my mind that she's 'humouring' me. It's a completely irrational series of thought, but they pervade nonetheless.

I think it's interesting that you've posted here for advice and expressed your point of view about it without him being around. When he starts talking to you again, send him the link to this thread so he can see your 'uncensored' thoughts on the topic. It might help.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top