Wanting to die.

StrangelyShapedTree

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I'm not in a good spot right now. I guess some advice and hope would be really good right now. I've been through a lot in my life, especially after I turned 15. I got Crohn's Disease in my last year of high school and my sister developed bipolar disorder the next year. The Crohn's sucked but I could manage with some meds...my sister completely lost her mind and still hasn't regained it to this day. It was like her mind and social function were completely wiped away. I lost my sister and will never get her back...she is better but still a little loopy and jaded. She has a 15 month old who is the light of the family right now and no one knows how his life will be with such an unstable mom; she barely wants him as it is, but luckily my mom takes care of him when my sister works.

My dad just died of pancreatic cancer in November and I watched every minute of his horrible decline. I was there making sure I could spend as much time with him as I could and I didn't really give myself too many breaks. I don't know why I was adamant about being there so much. I can't describe what it was like watching it. We shared some beautiful moments before he lost his ability to speak...his last three days were the worst. He couldn't swallow and mucus built up in his esophagus, and whenever he started to vomit he would convulse involuntarily. And when we had to turn him on his side to make sure he didn't choke on it he yelped in pain and hit my sister's arm begging her to stop. He never flinched like that at pain before so it must have been agonizing.

There's more to say on that but that is enough...to top it all off I started dating a girl a couple months after he died. She just broke up with me last Saturday and it was the worst relationship I've ever been in. She is simply not all there mentally and she hated kissing, hated touching. Every time I wanted to reach out to her it would feel like getting rejected every time. We are both devout Christians and the first nights we met we prayed a novena for my dad, but after that her interest in making sure I was ok weaned and weaned until the day I told her it was the six month anniversary of dad's death and all she could muster was "yikes."

And then this fetish...I told her about my love for diapers three months in, and she was shocked at first and we had a brief, shallow discussion about it that night, but then that was that. I knew she didn't have a good impression about it so when I brought it up again a month later I told her I was willing to help her with that gut reaction, with sites like this, etc., but she refused. First she refused to try it with me ever, which is fine, but even when I asked her to simply try to understand that this is a part of me that I have had no choice but to love, she still refused to give anything. It was an intense conversation and I tried to level with her about where it would fit in my life and maybe eventually hers too but she saw no future with it. At the end she reluctantly agreed that it she would one day be open to me wearing around her, and I also said I would try to quit it if she could help me somehow. And that was that.

The next morning I made the mistake of joking about the conversation, saying that I had saved some for her in case she had agreed to try, that were colorful and that I thought this would make it better....completely with the intention of making her laugh but she all of a sudden said she needed space and didn't want to talk that day. That night she called me and broke it off with me and even though she claims it's simply that she didn't love me, she admitted that part of it was the diapers, and that I was forcing it on her. Which wasn't my intention.

I didn't get any love from her the entire time we were dating and my diaper fetish was the one thing I asked her to love about me. I couldn't help but be desperate for something positive and that desperation showed. I drove seven hours every other weekend just to spend time with her, bought her something every time I went up, read her stupid fucking comic books with her to make her feel loved, tried my best to become a positive part of her life, and the end result is an "I don't love you" and "don't try to force your fetish on someone in your next relationship." To top it all off I was devastated and realized that the relationship killed me inside, especially since I was still grieving while giving all I could to a shitty partner, and when I told her that I needed therapy, space and time to heal from all of this, all she said was "I hope it helps."

Can anyone relate? Does it get better? Is there something wrong with the way I'm seeing things?
 
Last edited:

DanielW

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You've had a lot of grief to cope with lately, and that can certainly color a person's over all view of life and the world. As far as dating and the disclosures you made about diaper wearing? That was just one person's opinion, and not the right person for you. Its very easy to make larger generalizations when you are still grieving and ending a bad relationship.

Give yourself time to grieve for the loss of both before making any major life decisions.
 

egor

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I am sorry that I could only skim this.

I have been in a relationship that she wanted to be friends and I wanted more and when I told her It did not go well. I was devastated and it hurt.

As for the rest The title concerns me the most and I would say call a hot line just to talk. I have done that and it helps so much.

The next step would be to look into professional help and they will give you the skills to come to terms with the life choices you need to make and or understand.

Take care of your self first.

Egor
 

dogboy

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So sorry concerning the loss of your father. His suffering sounds horrible. I'm still grieving over the loss of my wife a year and a half later. I see a grief counselor and that helps. So does having the association that I have with my friends. I try to stay busy, even on the days where depression seems to hit hard. These activities helps at least at some level.

I bought and read a very good book titled, "Don't Take My Grief Away from Me" and I strongly recommend it. We tend to have a false notion about grief, that we're supposed to recover from it in the first year, that we're supposed to be okay, but that doesn't usually happen. It's okay and in fact, very natural to have difficult days. I take one day at a time. Some days are better than others. I hate the bad days because I'm sad, but I continue on, and so will you.

My grief counselor recommended to me that I take a creative writing course and that got me through the winter months and into May when the class ended. I wrote two short stories about my crazy childhood and that gave me some emotional outlet. I would suggest you find a positive way to express your grief and frustration. I also play piano and that has become another outlet for all the grief, depression, anger and angst that can eat me up. You'll have to find your own way, things that appeal to you. I also ride my bike and I find that when I'm depressed, I pedal as hard and fast as my body will tolerate.

As for the girl, she wasn't right for you. Keep trying and you'll probably get lucky. I sure was when I met my wife. We shared a wonderful life while it lasted and she accepted my diaper wearing. They're out there.
 

StrangelyShapedTree

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So sorry concerning the loss of your father. His suffering sounds horrible. I'm still grieving over the loss of my wife a year and a half later. I see a grief counselor and that helps. So does having the association that I have with my friends. I try to stay busy, even on the days where depression seems to hit hard. These activities helps at least at some level.

I bought and read a very good book titled, "Don't Take My Grief Away from Me" and I strongly recommend it. We tend to have a false notion about grief, that we're supposed to recover from it in the first year, that we're supposed to be okay, but that doesn't usually happen. It's okay and in fact, very natural to have difficult days. I take one day at a time. Some days are better than others. I hate the bad days because I'm sad, but I continue on, and so will you.

My grief counselor recommended to me that I take a creative writing course and that got me through the winter months and into May when the class ended. I wrote two short stories about my crazy childhood and that gave me some emotional outlet. I would suggest you find a positive way to express your grief and frustration. I also play piano and that has become another outlet for all the grief, depression, anger and angst that can eat me up. You'll have to find your own way, things that appeal to you. I also ride my bike and I find that when I'm depressed, I pedal as hard and fast as my body will tolerate.

As for the girl, she wasn't right for you. Keep trying and you'll probably get lucky. I sure was when I met my wife. We shared a wonderful life while it lasted and she accepted my diaper wearing. They're out there.
Thank you. I'm sure it's very hard for you. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow (happy fucking birthday to me, literally) and she will probably guide me to the grief group. And I am taking my first singing lesson this weekend which I'm excited about...I might just get that book. Some days are a brick wall. And I am horrified at the idea of dating anyone else that I find feelings for. I would rather just get this ABDL stuff out of my system and put it away forever, but we all know that can't happen.
 

StrangelyShapedTree

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You've had a lot of grief to cope with lately, and that can certainly color a person's over all view of life and the world. As far as dating and the disclosures you made about diaper wearing? That was just one person's opinion, and not the right person for you. Its very easy to make larger generalizations when you are still grieving and ending a bad relationship.

Give yourself time to grieve for the loss of both before making any major life decisions.
At the very least this relationship showed me that I deserve what I need. She was avoidant of the relationship the entire time and that always bugged me but I looked past it. Thanks for the encouragement. I really don't know if I can hope that a girl will accept this side of me.
 

jasonm03

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The only thing I can say is that my mom died at the age of 54 two weeks from here 55th bIrthday She worked in lacquer department spraying lacquer on metal perfume caps and baking them. Between and multiple hospitalizations and hehab centers it was hard on me. I came down with orders for FT Jackson she died a year after getting there. With all that said it took along time for me to recover from her death but recover I did I still miss her. Things will get better I just takes time and counseling don’t be afraid to seek out help it helped greatly for me and I know I will help you too
 

dogboy

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Thank you. I'm sure it's very hard for you. I am seeing a counselor tomorrow (happy fucking birthday to me, literally) and she will probably guide me to the grief group. And I am taking my first singing lesson this weekend which I'm excited about...I might just get that book. Some days are a brick wall. And I am horrified at the idea of dating anyone else that I find feelings for. I would rather just get this ABDL stuff out of my system and put it away forever, but we all know that can't happen.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things. The book was written by a minister and very well done.
 

ltaluv

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I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. It seems like you've had way more than your fair share of hard times lately.

The girl who broke up with you over your diapers sounds like a selfish, shallow vanilla tool. As hard as it is to have a relationship end, it's far better than staying with someone who doesn't accept you and can't meet your emotional needs. The right person is out there for you, and you will find her when the time is right.
 

pampers4U

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I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your father and the other trauma in your life, your still grieving my friend and there is no time limit on that.
About 5 years ago I lost one of my best friends / co-workers to a sudden heart attack, he was middle age (hereditary condition) and coupled that with other stresses in my life it all came out and I wasn't the same guy I was before my loss for a good 3.5 years, I tried and tried to pick the pieces up and remold them to something I thought was me, it wasn't and I would fall down every few months. I started to develop these panic like attacks / feelings, I no longer really wanted to do extra activities after work, and I isolated myself from everyone, masked it as I was at work (which I was but I really didn't need to take those extra shifts) I wasn't right at all, I lost my inner glow.
I don't remember what it was, but literally one day I just became at peace with myself and my feelings, I will always cherish the memories of my friend, and the biggest take away is that I realized how much I loved my friend and I want to have that same feeling with everyone, it takes time and slowly gets better one day the grief is gone, there is no time limit and everyone has different triggers.
 

RubberJin

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Dude, you've been through it, I can really really recommend counseling - and there are charities and people through your school/college who can sort it out for free so don't fret that.

I've been around long enough and known enough people to have heard about and experienced all sorts of trauma, and grief applies to numerous situations but it also goes for other stress, be it work, home, relationships, military deployment or black friday. The human brain very rarely has perfect coping mechanisms for this and it comes out in different ways with different people - drugs, alcohol, violence, depression, divorce, buying a sports car, emigrating to Finland are all symptoms I've seen.

Get yourself some proper help, and try to find someone you can trust to talk about some or all of it just to get it out, sometimes just being able to talk through all the shit in your head can make it that much better.
 

neophyte

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Some great advice has been given, you have endured a lot and will continue to cope with some tough situations that will not go away (loss of your father and sisters condition etc..)

In times like these you need a partner or friend who truly cares, listens, and sympathizes with you. Humans need love. “Yikes” is not a truly caring and compassionate response.

Stay strong my friend! I’ve had low points in my life, it gets better but you have to work at it and you have to set goals.
 

StrangelyShapedTree

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Thank you all for your advice. I figured I should post an update. I don't talk to my ex and she doesn't quite know it but I will let her know that I want to keep distance for a very long time, if not forever. My suicidal ideations were because of the relationship. I was really vulnerable and put my heart into a girl who has some serious problems with empathy and compassion. I didn't see this in the relationship but nowadays, the more I forget about her the better I feel. It's unfortunate but it's a lot easier to overcome frustrations about what could have been, being that she is the one who made me feel like the relationship's failure was my fault. Good riddance all the way.
 

daddyconnor

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I'm not in a good spot right now. I guess some advice and hope would be really good right now. I've been through a lot in my life, especially after I turned 15. I got Crohn's Disease in my last year of high school and my sister developed bipolar disorder the next year. The Crohn's sucked but I could manage with some meds...my sister completely lost her mind and still hasn't regained it to this day. It was like her mind and social function were completely wiped away. I lost my sister and will never get her back...she is better but still a little loopy and jaded. She has a 15 month old who is the light of the family right now and no one knows how his life will be with such an unstable mom; she barely wants him as it is, but luckily my mom takes care of him when my sister works.

My dad just died of pancreatic cancer in November and I watched every minute of his horrible decline. I was there making sure I could spend as much time with him as I could and I didn't really give myself too many breaks. I don't know why I was adamant about being there so much. I can't describe what it was like watching it. We shared some beautiful moments before he lost his ability to speak...his last three days were the worst. He couldn't swallow and mucus built up in his esophagus, and whenever he started to vomit he would convulse involuntarily. And when we had to turn him on his side to make sure he didn't choke on it he yelped in pain and hit my sister's arm begging her to stop. He never flinched like that at pain before so it must have been agonizing.

There's more to say on that but that is enough...to top it all off I started dating a girl a couple months after he died. She just broke up with me last Saturday and it was the worst relationship I've ever been in. She is simply not all there mentally and she hated kissing, hated touching. Every time I wanted to reach out to her it would feel like getting rejected every time. We are both devout Christians and the first nights we met we prayed a novena for my dad, but after that her interest in making sure I was ok weaned and weaned until the day I told her it was the six month anniversary of dad's death and all she could muster was "yikes."

And then this fetish...I told her about my love for diapers three months in, and she was shocked at first and we had a brief, shallow discussion about it that night, but then that was that. I knew she didn't have a good impression about it so when I brought it up again a month later I told her I was willing to help her with that gut reaction, with sites like this, etc., but she refused. First she refused to try it with me ever, which is fine, but even when I asked her to simply try to understand that this is a part of me that I have had no choice but to love, she still refused to give anything. It was an intense conversation and I tried to level with her about where it would fit in my life and maybe eventually hers too but she saw no future with it. At the end she reluctantly agreed that it she would one day be open to me wearing around her, and I also said I would try to quit it if she could help me somehow. And that was that.

The next morning I made the mistake of joking about the conversation, saying that I had saved some for her in case she had agreed to try, that were colorful and that I thought this would make it better....completely with the intention of making her laugh but she all of a sudden said she needed space and didn't want to talk that day. That night she called me and broke it off with me and even though she claims it's simply that she didn't love me, she admitted that part of it was the diapers, and that I was forcing it on her. Which wasn't my intention.

I didn't get any love from her the entire time we were dating and my diaper fetish was the one thing I asked her to love about me. I couldn't help but be desperate for something positive and that desperation showed. I drove seven hours every other weekend just to spend time with her, bought her something every time I went up, read her stupid fucking comic books with her to make her feel loved, tried my best to become a positive part of her life, and the end result is an "I don't love you" and "don't try to force your fetish on someone in your next relationship." To top it all off I was devastated and realized that the relationship killed me inside, especially since I was still grieving while giving all I could to a shitty partner, and when I told her that I needed therapy, space and time to heal from all of this, all she said was "I hope it helps."

Can anyone relate? Does it get better? Is there something wrong with the way I'm seeing things?
So the good news is that thing's almost always get better. What are my favorite Jesuit priest used to tell me that faith is not a la carte. He would also constantly remind me that God's love for me was infinite. He also said my daddy side would make me a good Jesuit brother. Yes, my priest knew everything about me.

I think you should look at this as a blessing in disguise with regard to the 6 month girlfriend. She wasn't meant for you. I know it seems horrible, but how blessed are you to find out now? How blessed are you to not be in a relationship that would keep you from finding your true love? There is usually someone out there for everyone. Finding them takes a good long while sometimes. But when you do find them, it is going to feel so right.

By the way the 6 month point is usually the time frame where most women decide to quit or continue.

You have suffered some great losses. Things that would completely cripple the emotional strength of great men. I can actually relate. My first wife was not supportive at all. I spent 7 years dying inside. When she left me it was devastating, but it subsided when I dated several AB girls successfully over the next few years. I ended up marrying my soulmate and she is loving and accepting of everything that I am.

By the way my grandparents died during the divorce so it was a super crippling time.

I was at such a low point that I didn't think I would ever be happy. Today, I can tell you that I am.

I was fortunate to surround myself with good people. I changed my diet, ate better, slept regular hours and worked out tirelessly - I got built and defined. Landed a spare job as a fencing coach, did personal training on the side and within a few months I had more interested girls than I knew what to do with.

If you focus on getting yourself to a point that "you love you" then others will too. Women are very practical... they look at the whole picture. Every woman I've dated since my ex-wife knew about my daddy side. A few even told me theirs. One was so into puppy play she'd do anything for someone to be her master. So we played a ton until she got a job out of country. We are still friends though.

It is my adamant belief that God wants you to be happy. I had to go through hell to find paradise. The journey was brutal but the destination was worth it.
 

Mojo

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I read your post and im praying for you

In order to deal with your grief id sugest to take a deep breath and pray to god tell him how you truly feel that you need his hand to fix this
[please open up to him exactly how you feel exactly this is right it is not sinful but true and just to lift your thoughts feelings soul to jesus]

I suggest for you to read Matthew chapter 6
This has tought me alot about worry and anxiety and my faith


Lastly this girl that seemed emotionaly shut off
U gave what seemed to be everything she gave nothing back
I identify with this it seems every relationship mostly friends i put all the work in hey lets do this ill pick u up i call i plan i do this i give that i extend my self again and again but.... the friend may hange out with me but wont give me the time of day to even txt call or email back .... in other words i have found in life i cant be the only one that gives it has to be give and take in a friend or a relationship with a partner ....

You gave a very intamate insight of your life to this women and she did not apriciate the gesture or the magnitude of the trust you put into her

When you give yourself to someone mentaly where they can look and have that insight to your soul be shure this is the right person

It is hard to know does she love or generally care for you start small share small secrets do small things for echother help around her home listen to her does she listen to you does she help you try to share your feelings open up very slowly with a new SO
The give and take is key

I will tell you it does get better we have times of trial in our lives and i tell you this jesus loves you so much. Jesus sees your suffering. He feels your pain truly. When Jesus came to this world threw the virgin birth he was fully man and fully god. Jesus felt pain he felt sorrow he felt injustice. He died on a cross for eveyones sins eveyone. He rose 3 days later triamphed over death.
If you or any one believes he truly did this and repents of there sins you will be saved

Pslams 23:4 NLT

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

our lives are filled with high mountains and the low valleys but Jesus is always there any time day or night

JESUS WILL SEE YOU THREW THIS!

my brother i love you and i hope this helps
 

Carnifex

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Sorry for your loss just have to say that I convinced that you will find a partner in the future I just wish I was as optimistic for self I'm just too insecure and have given up trying to but there's always hope so never give up on anything unless it's drugs or something that is up to you though but I have had a couple of friends kill themselves and I don't think it helped anyone all it did was leave a hole in the lives of the people who were left behind I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can make it through your struggles right now just remember tomorrow is a new day and you don't know what is going to happen I am not even a Christian but had a girl from work invite me to church kind of on the fence about it but I think it makes feel like there's Hope even though I have been so depressed lately if you need to talk hit me up don't do anything you would regret
 

StrangelyShapedTree

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I read your post and im praying for you

In order to deal with your grief id sugest to take a deep breath and pray to god tell him how you truly feel that you need his hand to fix this
[please open up to him exactly how you feel exactly this is right it is not sinful but true and just to lift your thoughts feelings soul to jesus]

I suggest for you to read Matthew chapter 6
This has tought me alot about worry and anxiety and my faith


Lastly this girl that seemed emotionaly shut off
U gave what seemed to be everything she gave nothing back
I identify with this it seems every relationship mostly friends i put all the work in hey lets do this ill pick u up i call i plan i do this i give that i extend my self again and again but.... the friend may hange out with me but wont give me the time of day to even txt call or email back .... in other words i have found in life i cant be the only one that gives it has to be give and take in a friend or a relationship with a partner ....

You gave a very intamate insight of your life to this women and she did not apriciate the gesture or the magnitude of the trust you put into her

When you give yourself to someone mentaly where they can look and have that insight to your soul be shure this is the right person

It is hard to know does she love or generally care for you start small share small secrets do small things for echother help around her home listen to her does she listen to you does she help you try to share your feelings open up very slowly with a new SO
The give and take is key

I will tell you it does get better we have times of trial in our lives and i tell you this jesus loves you so much. Jesus sees your suffering. He feels your pain truly. When Jesus came to this world threw the virgin birth he was fully man and fully god. Jesus felt pain he felt sorrow he felt injustice. He died on a cross for eveyones sins eveyone. He rose 3 days later triamphed over death.
If you or any one believes he truly did this and repents of there sins you will be saved

Pslams 23:4 NLT

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

our lives are filled with high mountains and the low valleys but Jesus is always there any time day or night

JESUS WILL SEE YOU THREW THIS!

my brother i love you and i hope this helps
Thank you for this response. I am a Christian and it was nice reading this. I hope you find friends that give you what you give. I'm doing ok. Trying to grow my faith.
 

StrangelyShapedTree

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Sorry for your loss just have to say that I convinced that you will find a partner in the future I just wish I was as optimistic for self I'm just too insecure and have given up trying to but there's always hope so never give up on anything unless it's drugs or something that is up to you though but I have had a couple of friends kill themselves and I don't think it helped anyone all it did was leave a hole in the lives of the people who were left behind I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can make it through your struggles right now just remember tomorrow is a new day and you don't know what is going to happen I am not even a Christian but had a girl from work invite me to church kind of on the fence about it but I think it makes feel like there's Hope even though I have been so depressed lately if you need to talk hit me up don't do anything you would regret
You should go. Church is good.
 

dogboy

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For some odd reason, today's scripture reading helped me: John 12, vs 25. "He who loves his life, loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". Since my wife died, there are probably more days than not that I've hated my life. But it's comforting to know or believe that the other side of life awaits and is so much better than this one. That promise gets me through one day at a time.
 
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