Hi all, I posted in here the other day regarding my boyfriend who is DL and some questions/concerns I had: https://www.adisc.org/forum/threads/boyfriend-is-dl-seeking-advice.156425/#post-1987294
I am not DL and until I met my partner, I really did not know this was a thing, let alone a thing for millions of people. I love him and his gentle, kind soul so much and when he told me early on he was DL, it didn't faze me. In fact, it was right after he told me that I told him I loved him for the first time. I knew it took a ton of courage for him to tell me and I could hear the fear in his voice. If he could be so vulnerable as to share that with me, then I would be so vulnerable as to be first in saying those three words. No regrets. It was a beautiful moment.
I thought I was doing great with things ever since. I had diapered him a few times, had asked him to diaper me. He was sharing more and more about when he was wearing diapers and I was encouraging and supportive - actually, I was genuinely excited for him that he was able to be his whole self in a relationship for the first time in his life and was expanding his horizons of acceptance more and more. We had brought diapers into the bedroom in various ways and I found it titillating and was open to exploring that side with him/me/us more and more. But I started to realize last week (as evidenced by my post here) that I had some concerns around whether his recent more frequent wearing of diapers was somehow a reflection of me, what I was/wasn't bringing to the relationship or something lacking in me that was "driving" him to diapers more. I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to respond to me either here on the thread or privately. You all helped assuage my concerns and open my eyes to a few things that I thought I would share here in case it may help someone else - either DL, or someone who loves a DL like me.
1) I can't make this about me. Sure, we are in this together and I want to support him while still being true to my boundaries. But this man has been in diapers quite literally his whole life - from when his mom diapered him as a baby to when he started seeking it on his own as a very young boy to in secret through teenage and married life to now as a man who is accepting himself for the first time. The intensity of his desire/need to wear diapers has waxed and waned for decades long before he ever knew me and will continue to do so now with me. And that is ok. It doesn't have to "mean" anything. It just is. And the very best thing I can do is support him, love him and show my respect and acceptance of him. For now, I have asked him to communicate with me a bit more when he is wanting to wear one. Not because he needs my permission (I don't feel this way at all), but because as this is still new to me, I think I would benefit from some reassurance. I think that this need of mine will subside over time, but for now, I am so grateful that he is open to this communication so we can both feel ok.
2) My support and acceptance of him means more to him than I originally understood. Of course when he confided in me early on in our relationship that he was DL, I knew he was nervous and I knew he carried some fear and shame around it. But I didn't realize until I read the messages from you folks here how life altering acceptance from a loved one can be. I have always just looked at him being DL and me accepting it as normal between two people who love each other. Everyone longs for, deserves and thrives from being loved and accepted. How could I turn my back on him or refuse to acknowledge a part of him? That just was not an option for me. What I realized in reading your messages and then in discussing them more with him directly is that for some people in this community the fear of being rejected keeps them in hiding and denial and for others a partner's refusal to accept or support forces them into a shame spiral of secrecy. I have to admit, my heart broke a few times reading messages from folks who were too afraid to ever tell their spouse. To all of you in that place right now, I hope that if and when the time is right, you will find an accepting heart, a warm hug and someone who will listen and love you exactly as you are. I cannot begin to imagine what courage it took him to tell me about this knowing all he had been through before and how much courage it has continued to take to keep sharing and bringing me into this part of himself he has kept secret for so long. I reinforced to him that I love him not in spite of being DL, but because of and inclusive of being DL. All of him. As he is. It's the whole of his experiences that have made him the amazing man I feel in love with and I want to nurture and care for all of him.
3) I will need to communicate what my boundaries are and be open to compromise, but I may not know what they are until we are crossing over them and that's to be expected and ok. Things might get tricky here because I would never want him to feel ashamed or bad if I uncover a boundary along the way, like in the moment. I am committed to exploring this fully with him and communicating openly, honestly and compassionately. The trust we have built around this is something I hold dear and I want to ensure that no matter what boundary I may come up against, that he still feels supported, accepted, nurtured and honored while I am made to feel safe, respected and heard.
4) Sharing and exploring this with him opens up doors to beautiful levels of intimacy I have never experienced. After a hard talk about all that had been stirring in me, I asked him to put me in a diaper. I put one on him; he put one on me and what ensued was one of the most powerful moments of connection I have ever experienced (and while I won't speak for him, I think he'd say the same). He said to lie there together in diapers felt like acceptance and love (he also thought I looked pretty cute!)
The sex that came later that day was incredible. It was like we had tapped into a whole new level of intimacy that spanned the emotional, the physical, the sexual. All I can say is wow and I can't wait to see how we continue to grow together through this.
Thanks again for listening and for welcoming me and my love into this community. I am proud to be here. But more than anything, I am proud of and crazy in love with @pugrock77
I am not DL and until I met my partner, I really did not know this was a thing, let alone a thing for millions of people. I love him and his gentle, kind soul so much and when he told me early on he was DL, it didn't faze me. In fact, it was right after he told me that I told him I loved him for the first time. I knew it took a ton of courage for him to tell me and I could hear the fear in his voice. If he could be so vulnerable as to share that with me, then I would be so vulnerable as to be first in saying those three words. No regrets. It was a beautiful moment.
I thought I was doing great with things ever since. I had diapered him a few times, had asked him to diaper me. He was sharing more and more about when he was wearing diapers and I was encouraging and supportive - actually, I was genuinely excited for him that he was able to be his whole self in a relationship for the first time in his life and was expanding his horizons of acceptance more and more. We had brought diapers into the bedroom in various ways and I found it titillating and was open to exploring that side with him/me/us more and more. But I started to realize last week (as evidenced by my post here) that I had some concerns around whether his recent more frequent wearing of diapers was somehow a reflection of me, what I was/wasn't bringing to the relationship or something lacking in me that was "driving" him to diapers more. I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to respond to me either here on the thread or privately. You all helped assuage my concerns and open my eyes to a few things that I thought I would share here in case it may help someone else - either DL, or someone who loves a DL like me.
1) I can't make this about me. Sure, we are in this together and I want to support him while still being true to my boundaries. But this man has been in diapers quite literally his whole life - from when his mom diapered him as a baby to when he started seeking it on his own as a very young boy to in secret through teenage and married life to now as a man who is accepting himself for the first time. The intensity of his desire/need to wear diapers has waxed and waned for decades long before he ever knew me and will continue to do so now with me. And that is ok. It doesn't have to "mean" anything. It just is. And the very best thing I can do is support him, love him and show my respect and acceptance of him. For now, I have asked him to communicate with me a bit more when he is wanting to wear one. Not because he needs my permission (I don't feel this way at all), but because as this is still new to me, I think I would benefit from some reassurance. I think that this need of mine will subside over time, but for now, I am so grateful that he is open to this communication so we can both feel ok.
2) My support and acceptance of him means more to him than I originally understood. Of course when he confided in me early on in our relationship that he was DL, I knew he was nervous and I knew he carried some fear and shame around it. But I didn't realize until I read the messages from you folks here how life altering acceptance from a loved one can be. I have always just looked at him being DL and me accepting it as normal between two people who love each other. Everyone longs for, deserves and thrives from being loved and accepted. How could I turn my back on him or refuse to acknowledge a part of him? That just was not an option for me. What I realized in reading your messages and then in discussing them more with him directly is that for some people in this community the fear of being rejected keeps them in hiding and denial and for others a partner's refusal to accept or support forces them into a shame spiral of secrecy. I have to admit, my heart broke a few times reading messages from folks who were too afraid to ever tell their spouse. To all of you in that place right now, I hope that if and when the time is right, you will find an accepting heart, a warm hug and someone who will listen and love you exactly as you are. I cannot begin to imagine what courage it took him to tell me about this knowing all he had been through before and how much courage it has continued to take to keep sharing and bringing me into this part of himself he has kept secret for so long. I reinforced to him that I love him not in spite of being DL, but because of and inclusive of being DL. All of him. As he is. It's the whole of his experiences that have made him the amazing man I feel in love with and I want to nurture and care for all of him.
3) I will need to communicate what my boundaries are and be open to compromise, but I may not know what they are until we are crossing over them and that's to be expected and ok. Things might get tricky here because I would never want him to feel ashamed or bad if I uncover a boundary along the way, like in the moment. I am committed to exploring this fully with him and communicating openly, honestly and compassionately. The trust we have built around this is something I hold dear and I want to ensure that no matter what boundary I may come up against, that he still feels supported, accepted, nurtured and honored while I am made to feel safe, respected and heard.
4) Sharing and exploring this with him opens up doors to beautiful levels of intimacy I have never experienced. After a hard talk about all that had been stirring in me, I asked him to put me in a diaper. I put one on him; he put one on me and what ensued was one of the most powerful moments of connection I have ever experienced (and while I won't speak for him, I think he'd say the same). He said to lie there together in diapers felt like acceptance and love (he also thought I looked pretty cute!)
The sex that came later that day was incredible. It was like we had tapped into a whole new level of intimacy that spanned the emotional, the physical, the sexual. All I can say is wow and I can't wait to see how we continue to grow together through this.Thanks again for listening and for welcoming me and my love into this community. I am proud to be here. But more than anything, I am proud of and crazy in love with @pugrock77
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