Unique situation, not trying to resolve my ABDL but my counselor doesn't understand

mistykitty

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I'm kind of in an unexpected situation right now. I see a counselor on a regular basis for multiple reasons and recently I accidently mentioned my abdl to her. Now she didn't react negatively but she is also confused that I do not want to try to get rid of my abdl thoughts. I told her that despite others who don't understand it feeling it may be odd that it's therapeutic for me and doesn't hurt anyone so i don't feel a need to address it so long as I don't force it upon others which I don't. I just don't know whether she is going to try to press this subject in future sessions and I want to be prepared for it. I want her to understand that what I said was by accident and I'm not asking for her help with this. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? I really like this counselor and don't want to drop her but I'm worried if she keeps pressing this situation I won't have a choice. Any advice would be appreciated.
 

MetalDan86

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That is a really interesting situation, and I would recommend emphasizing what you are in therapy to address if the ABDL side is a distraction from the main focus. It may help to write out your main objectives and ground the sessions on addressing just those. That strategy helped me when going over improving my interpersonal skills.

I did intentionally raise the topic with my counselor who actually mentioned the exact opposite and recommended that I find time to embrace my abdl side as part of my queer, asexual identity. As you mentioned, there is no harm to anyone from engaging your abdl side. Good luck 😉
 
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mistykitty

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MetalDan86 said:
That is a really interesting situation, and I would recommend emphasizing what you are in therapy to address if the ABDL side is a distraction from the main focus. It may help to write out your main objectives and ground the sessions on addressing just those. That strategy helped me when going over improving my interpersonal skills.

I did intentionally raise the topic with my counselor who actually mentioned the exact opposite and recommended that I find time to embrace my abdl side as part of my queer, asexual identity. As you mentioned, there is no harm to anyone from engaging your abdl side. Good luck 😉
You make a valid point there. My reasons for seeing her are my anxiety with work and some people (especially some family) still not accepting my being trans. I guess I just need to do what you said and make it clear we're sticking to those subjects. The reason it slipped out is during one of my sessions I had it after a particularly stressful work day and didn't have time to calm down before my session and she asked why I seemed more animated then usual. I give everyone the truth goo, bad, or neutral out of ethics and habit so I had literally said "I didn't have time for little space after work today" before even realizing I had said it which lead to her asking if that was a abdl reference. Abdl helps me in many situations and works for me when other stuff doesn't so for me at least it's more of an asset.
 

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mistykitty said:
Now she didn't react negatively but she is also confused that I do not want to try to get rid of my abdl thoughts.
That's quite interesting that she'd say that. Counselors are trained to be non-judgemental in their approaches and, even though she didn't react "negatively," her showing confusion implies a level of judgement on her part. But the key question you need to ask yourself is if you feel comfortable with this counselor. Do you feel they understand you and that you can make progress together? A lot of the progress made depends on the theraputic alliance between you and the therapist, so if you feel it's not working, you can either raise how you feel with them and explore it or try and find another therpaist who can better fit your needs.

When I've had counselling before for an unrelated issue, I brought up my little side. At first, he didn't really understand and asked a few questions to sort out some horrible misconceptions about being little, but after that he didn't see it as a problem per se, rather just as a thing that's there as a coping mechanism. Unless your coming mechanism is self descructive, harming someone else, illegal or dangerous (and having a little side is none of these things) it isn't their place to judge, try to change or imply that it's something that should be changed.

With a different therapist, we explore my little side in a lot closer detail and we didn't work to get rid of him, but rather to allow me to better deal with him, ackowledge him and give him what he needs. Being little was viewed as a self-care thing and I was helped to find a better balance and learn to better attend to the needs of my little. I think it's becoming more of a matter of interally being little rather than external expressions of that.
 

mistykitty

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BenNevis said:
That's quite interesting that she'd say that. Counselors are trained to be non-judgemental in their approaches and, even though she didn't react "negatively," her showing confusion implies a level of judgement on her part. But the key question you need to ask yourself is if you feel comfortable with this counselor. Do you feel they understand you and that you can make progress together? A lot of the progress made depends on the theraputic alliance between you and the therapist, so if you feel it's not working, you can either raise how you feel with them and explore it or try and find another therpaist who can better fit your needs.

When I've had counselling before for an unrelated issue, I brought up my little side. At first, he didn't really understand and asked a few questions to sort out some horrible misconceptions about being little, but after that he didn't see it as a problem per se, rather just as a thing that's there as a coping mechanism. Unless your coming mechanism is self descructive, harming someone else, illegal or dangerous (and having a little side is none of these things) it isn't their place to judge, try to change or imply that it's something that should be changed.

With a different therapist, we explore my little side in a lot closer detail and we didn't work to get rid of him, but rather to allow me to better deal with him, ackowledge him and give him what he needs. Being little was viewed as a self-care thing and I was helped to find a better balance and learn to better attend to the needs of my little. I think it's becoming more of a matter of interally being little rather than external expressions of that.
She usually is really good about the non-judging part the way counselors are supposed to be. It surprised me to when she reacted that way. I'm hoping this is just maybe a new situation for her and she just is not familiar with this and that comment was more from not knowing how to react. I would prefer to stick with them as my counselor but you also make a good point that it might not work.
 

mistykitty

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I have a positive update on this situation. I had a session with her yesterday and she actually started with an apology. She didn't mean her comments from previous ones to sound like disapproval I'm just apparently her first client to mention something like this. She actually took the time between our sessions to better understand everything and actually is now supportive of me since it's something that helps me deal with stuff more effectively. That being said I did make it clear to her that I'm glad she is understanding and accepting of my ABDL now but in the future I want to stick to the reasons I initially started seeing her. I think despite this hiccup I can continue an effective working therapeutic professional relationship and don't have to worry about this anymore.
 
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That's certainly an encouraging outcome.

I was going to propose that surprise and confusion are reasonable reactions to something new and unusual. It is more important for a counsellor to acknowledge their reactions in an open and honest manner than to maintain a veneer of professional detachment.

It sounds like she has done this and worked to correct her knowledge gap. This fact - more than any unflappability - gives me confidence that they should be able to do good work with you.
 
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mistykitty

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Anemone said:
That's certainly an encouraging outcome.

I was going to propose that surprise and confusion are reasonable reactions to something new and unusual. It is more important for a counsellor to acknowledge their reactions in an open and honest manner than to maintain a veneer of professional detachment.

It sounds like she has done this and worked to correct her knowledge gap. This fact - more than any unflappability - gives me confidence that they should be able to do good work with you.
I agree with you. Her taking the time to better familiarize herself with this proves that she truly does want to be a genuine help to me. Something I really appreciate.
 
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IDKaLittle

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I’m glad that she acknowledged and discussed it further with you. I just want to give you some food for thought here, something you may not have considered.

I hear some (very mild) defensiveness on your part. I feel like you’re bracing for having her try to “fix” your ABDL, (doesn’t need fixin’) and that’s fair. It sounds like you want to shut down discussion of ABDL. But keep an open mind.

In therapy and our psyche, many different things intertwine and interact. Talking about ABDL in the context of the stuff you’re working on should be no different than talking about anything else. You’re likely to uncover connections by talking about ABDL, (even from, for example, an innocuous question about what it might look like to give it up), or talking about what it does for you. She might want to explore it with you a bit to better understand what it is for you. At some point she may see something in ABDL you’re not and use it to lead you into making realizations about the stuff you do want to work on.

Keep in mind that therapy can be all over the place, while still working towards the goal. ABDL will likely come up during your work. You might not want to delve into ABDL and that’s fine, but try not to make it off-limits. Doing that might be taking away from her toolbox and you might be limiting your progress and understanding of yourself.
 
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mistykitty

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IDKaLittle said:
I’m glad that she acknowledged and discussed it further with you. I just want to give you some food for thought here, something you may not have considered.

I hear some (very mild) defensiveness on your part. I feel like you’re bracing for having her try to “fix” your ABDL, (doesn’t need fixin’) and that’s fair. It sounds like you want to shut down discussion of ABDL. But keep an open mind.

In therapy and our psyche, many different things intertwine and interact. Talking about ABDL in the context of the stuff you’re working on should be no different than talking about anything else. You’re likely to uncover connections by talking about ABDL, (even from, for example, an innocuous question about what it might look like to give it up), or talking about what it does for you. She might want to explore it with you a bit to better understand what it is for you. At some point she may see something in ABDL you’re not and use it to lead you into making realizations about the stuff you do want to work on.

Keep in mind that therapy can be all over the place, while still working towards the goal. ABDL will likely come up during your work. You might not want to delve into ABDL and that’s fine, but try not to make it off-limits. Doing that might be taking away from her toolbox and you might be limiting your progress and understanding of yourself.
Ok, you make a valid point there. I am someone who is pretty open minded to suggestions so I promise to take this into consideration.
 

Nowididit

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mistykitty said:
I'm kind of in an unexpected situation right now. I see a counselor on a regular basis for multiple reasons and recently I accidently mentioned my abdl to her. Now she didn't react negatively but she is also confused that I do not want to try to get rid of my abdl thoughts. I told her that despite others who don't understand it feeling it may be odd that it's therapeutic for me and doesn't hurt anyone so i don't feel a need to address it so long as I don't force it upon others which I don't. I just don't know whether she is going to try to press this subject in future sessions and I want to be prepared for it. I want her to understand that what I said was by accident and I'm not asking for her help with this. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? I really like this counselor and don't want to drop her but I'm worried if she keeps pressing this situation I won't have a choice. Any advice would be appreciated.
In the world of psychology "there are no accidents".
Subconsciously you brought it up. Your counselor may not be tying to force you to get rid of your ABDL desires but may want you to talk about it because it could be at the root of some of your issues that are causing you to use ABDL as a coping mechanism.
The point of therapy is to get an understanding of why you are the way you are and how to cope, live and thrive and being suspicious of your therapist is not going to progress anything, it'll be like spinning wheels on ice for both you and the therapist. You're there for a reason and you need to build a trust with the therapist, after all it was you that sought out the therapist, not the other way around. If you're not willing to open up then you're basically drawing out the sessions and the answers you seek. In other words the sooner you start talking about the sooner you'll start getting clarity.
 
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