This is me

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LotusFlower

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Hi all! I'm still a newbie here. i only joined yesterday. i have made a little introduction in the greetings area to tell a little about myself. I had no plans to post this so soon. but i've been made very welcome by everyone! i never thought i'd find a place like this. I never even imagined i'd do the first post. but... here i am.

I've known i was different since childhood / early teens. at parties i was always swapping clothes with the girls for a "joke". I liked wearing them, and i also liked people seeing me wear them. One of my girl friends, had a long pink coat. i adored it! very fond memories of it. she would basically have it waiting for me when i got to her house! i would leap at the chance for girls to do my hair, or apply make up. i'd walk around school like that without a care in the world. oh i wish things were still so carefree. Some of my girl friends would buy me jokey presents. like panties or, lip gloss or even fluffy handcuffs. I'd wear those panties to bed everynight. not really for play or sexual gratification. but because i liked the way they made me feel. feminine. i wanted to feel pretty.

somewhere along the line, i forgot all about this past. like it became repressed or something. years later, i was just a "typical guy'. then i started getting confusing thoughts. a few examples - i have long, brown hair. and it goes very curly. when out and about sometimes girls would comment on my hair. playing with it, and saying they were jealous of it. it wasn't necessarily the straight attraction of having their attention though that i enjoyed. it would feel like i had been accepted. then alarm bells ring in my head. "accepted as what, as a woman?" i knew deep down thats what i felt. Recently, a woman in a bar turned to my friend and said "oh, hi, is this your girlfriend?" when my friends told her i was a guy, she apologized, and i acted like i wasn't happy. But she didn't need to apologize, that comment made me the happiest person in the world!

I used christmas as a cover to buy some things. panties and a erm, toy. i tried shaving my legs, and have remained that way ever since. If i had the confidence all my body hair would be gone. I'm just scared of getting caught. but i feel a bit weird half shaven it doesn't feel right. i want it all gone! I'm just going to have to do it i think.

Im placing another order. This time for LOTS more clothes. panties, lingerie, socks, knee highs, PJs etc. i'm getting deeper and deeper into this. its not something that's just going to go away. the problem is, that i'll get lost in my own little world. then something will happen. a wave of guilt and shame. anger at myself. i can spiral into depression. I don't like my masculine personality. And i don't like my body either. i don't want it to be this way. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Sometimes i feel like im cursed for being born a guy. like im being punished. I can get very emotional about it at times. And not being able to tell anyone makes it so much harder too.

The thing is i wouldn't consider myself a cross dresser. i can't lie to my heart. I don't know what i am anymore, and its a mixture of highs and crushing lows. Help? Im sure there are people here who may be or have felt the same? I'm kind of early on in accepting this so i suppose things will become more clear with time. I live in a pretty rough area where it's not safe to talk about this. my nephew came out as gay a few years ago and life has been pretty hellish for him. even having to drop out of college. and doesn't really go out in town. If my friends find out about me they're going to disown me. and there are others that would want to hurt me i'm sure. Its scary. But it's a credit to you all being so awesome that i'm getting the chance to say all this!! so thank you. you've all made me feel very welcome. Apologies for the essay-length post. i've never had a chance to talk about this. ever. Since this and my first post. I feel i'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life. If you read this far. Thank you :)

- Lotus Flower
 

Scaramouche

Lover of Life, Singer of Songs
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Thank you for sharing your story and never, never, never apologize on ADISC for a long autobiographical story. That's what we're here for! You have certainly taken the first few steps towards acceptance and from what I hear, it isn't always easy. There are many. many more members here who will be giving you better advice than I, but for now, just relax. Don't worry about the future. Accept yourself and things will eventaully work out.
 
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LotusFlower

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  1. Sissy
Thank you. I definitely need to take your advice and relax. Writing and posting all this is taking its toll on me. feeling alot of emotion right now. physically shaking too. all the responses i've received so far have been so nice and friendly. it helps me feel ok about things. i just need to take a deep breath, take this one step at a time and stop getting so worked up. if i'm really late with responses to anyone or anything its because i haven't got the privacy to come on here. but as soon as i'm alone i'll be back. speak soon.
 

gigglemuffinz

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Hey LotusFlower, I'm glad you are already feeling really comfortable around here and were able to open up! Supporting you is what we are here to to do, and you seem especially sweet too so it makes it even easier and makes me want to be able to help you.

First of all, as a male-to-female transgender I of course understand a lot of the things you are talking about. I know what it's like to have simple little things make you feel so good, simple comments that just validate you.. to have tasks that normal girls do like shaving your legs feel extremely nervous and give you the jitters. My advice to you on stuff like this is that if there is something you can do to make yourself feel better, if your heart really wants something then you should try to give it to yourself. Don't hold yourself back to the point where it hurts. I'm glad you are getting lots of clothes that will hopefully make you feel as beautiful as you obviously are, and if you are being safe then I think it's wonderful you are doing this for yourself.

I also understand the feelings of feeling like you were cursed for being born a guy, or like this is some kind of punishment. As hard as it can be for me to follow my own advice, I want to say that I think you should try your very hardest not to think those things. Every person on this beautiful planet, every human being has their own trials and hardships to overcome. I know it can feel so tough, I would always cry and tell myself.. "How come just doing the most basic things that other girls get to do every single day is so hard for me?" but I think with every trial in life these things will help you become a better person at the end of it. One of the most amazing things about the transgender community is we are so often not only accepting of each other but accepting of many other people.

I want you to know too that even outside of the transgender community (although there are so many within) there are people who are ready to love you and be your friend too. I'm friends with bunches of normal people who love me for who I am, and I know there are people out there who would be willing to do the same. They exist all over this planet, even if we sometimes only focus on the mean ones out there. One 'normal' person once told me that they thought transgendered people were so sweet and adorable. I was told by another how much they admire our strength. I was told by a guy (hehe) that he thought transgendered girls were some of the prettiest girls in the whole wide world, because in his experience not only are we more accepting and understand men, but we embrace our femininity so strongly too and he just finds it so attractive.

My biggest advice to you though, after saying all this is to just follow your heart. Keep yourself safe, don't do anything drastic or irreversible, but do what will make your beautiful self happy. Lying to your heart is the worst lie of all in my opinion, you have to be you in your most private moments at least. You have to be able to love who you, and you'll find when you do that it's so much easier for others to love you too. I'm so sorry you are scared about the way your friends and your town will react to this news, but if you have to there are other places out there and I promise you.. ACTUAL friends would be understanding and be there for you here. If they couldn't stick by you after hearing it then you'll know who your true friends are, and they'll be true friends for you as you continue down your path. I won't lie and say this is easy or that it won't have it's moments that make you cry and hurt so bad, but if you really feel you can't feel comfortable as a man anymore and you are a female.. then I've seen too many people go years and years trying to deny it only to regret that missed time. Be true to yourself. You only have one life and you just can't spend it being someone else. If you can only do one thing in your life, you should at least be YOU.

Also, continue to ask questions and seek out support here on ADISC! We have a thriving and accepting transgender community and we'll be here for you! :)
 

LotusFlower

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  1. Sissy
Thank you gigglemuffinz. i don't really know what to say. speechless. i came on here last night to see. i wanted to reply, but i couldn't because i was on the verge of tears. ok, maybe i cried a lil bit :). Joining this forum was the best thing i could have possibly done! I woke up this morning and the sun seemed brighter, i feel so much more... me. this has been an incredibly emotional weekend for me. I know i'm going to have a difficult time ahead. But i'm excited about it too. i just want to shout out loud HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW! AHHH!! but no one who sees me knows this is going on. hopefully soon i will be able to show them who i am. again, thank you gigglemuffinz your message felt very from the heart, and It's had an effect on me beyond words. and, thank you everybody! Your all amazing! I'm going to go for a bit. maybe post later when i'm not a blubbering mess. haha. I'm in a state of total joy. Bye for now

- Lotus Flower
 
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441
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  1. Diaper Lover
Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine
 

Scaramouche

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Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine

ADISC is also a place for "littles" - Those who consider themselves older than babies and no longer in diapers, but still like to dress young. There are also some here who are "mommies" and "daddies" who take care of ABs and then there are a few who have nothing to do with diapers here but love the community and offer a lot of support for those who do.
 

Adventurer

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Hey LotusFlower, and welcome to ADISC! Thanks for sharing your story with us. Getting it out for the first time is the hardest part, and I'm really glad you did.

The most important thing I've ever learned, in dealing with my own cross-dressing and desire to be a baby, is that it's OK to be you, whoever you are. I knew I liked dressing up in girls' clothing from the time I was ten (I should mention that although I'm not transgender, I do have time where I feel a strong pull towards being feminine and want to be thought of as a girl). Well, my first thought was to repress it. And I did, on and off, for years, although never with consistent success. Even the horrible incident where I was caught by my mother while wearing her underwear didn't end the urges - it scared me off of cross-dressing for a few years, but it didn't end the feminine feelings.

From this I learned the big lesson: You can't fight who you are. The key is to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are.

Oddly, I never really got in control of my feelings until I accepted them. When I decided that I was OK as a cross dresser, I was able to control the desires, and do what I did safely. Being part of a community like this one was a huge part of that, too.

That's why I'm so glad you shared with us, Lotus. Shame drags us down so much, and steals so much joy we could have. But when you love who you really are, it's a peace and a freedom so huge that it feels...well, probably the way it did when you read gigglemuffinz' awesome post! You have a right to be you, whether the real you ends up being male, female, or anywhere in between. Some people may try and be nasty, or simply not understand. But you were made the way you are for a reason. You're not bad, or defective. You're beautiful just how you were created. And you're not alone!

This community can hopefully be somewhere safe for you to be who you really are. If you're able to join and real life transgender support groups, that's probably be wise, too. Face to face talks with people who've lived what you have would probably help you a lot. Also, you're always welcome on this forum. We all need friends who get what we're going through, and hopefully we can do that for you too.

Welcome to ADISC, and I hope you'll stick around!
 

LotusFlower

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  1. Sissy
Hello everyone! I'm back again. i'm sorry if i take some time between my posts and replies. I need privacy to come on here which i don't always have. and sometimes i am too emotional to post.

yesterday, when i woke up. i heard my real voice whisper to me "wakey wakey, its a new day :)" is that weird? i don't know, lol. my head was swimming and my heart was pounding. The fact i've admitted this now, to all of you, and to myself. it's made all my feelings so much more intense. which is a great feeling. i can't really find the words to express it. But then, i spiraled. i felt scared, angry at myself. depressed. I was really really upset and with company and just pretending to be fine. As much as i'm trying to hide it. My family can tell there's something up. Im coming to realise, i've been like this for a long time. Becoming increasingly reclusive and shying away from people. I can get irritable, it almost feels like i don't want people to look at me, like i'm wrong. and i just want to be left on my own sometimes. I don't want this to be damaging to myself and my relationships anymore. i don't know how much longer i can go before i just have to blurt this out. face-to-face. I think i to would be a good idea to speak with my doctor too. This is not going to go away. I'm early on in accepting this, and really don't want to rush things. I'm very fragile at the moment. but i'm absolutely sure this is what my heart want's. the emotions are so intense.

the same thing is happening again this morning. i feel so high. a bit anxious though i'm worrying that bad feelings are going to come back and i don't want that. Mixed emotions, i feel happy, beautiful, even a bit sexy (until i look in the mirror). i think i need to explore some thoughts and feelings i've been getting. about love and sexuality. i know in the forums it says about keeping things PG-13. I wouldn't be crude. I hope i can be ok to talk about that too?

I'd like to thank everyone on here. your all such kind, caring, beautiful people. I could just hug you all to death! haha. obviously i can't this is the internet. but i hope the thought counts :). I don't know how i've been so lucky, i sometimes feel like i don't deserve all this kindness. I'd just like to say though, to everyone who's sent me a message. You've been saying such wonderful things. And it means so much to me. I honestly can't thank you enough. If your following this thread. your sharing in a huge moment in my life. I'm aware so far that i've just been posting in this thread, and talking about me. I'd love to learn more about you too! I'd like to stick around if thats ok? :).

ok, i better go soon. incredibly emotional. Think i might start crying again, but its all because of joy. I can feel every breath i take at the moment. i feel alive. I really need to work on controlling this so i don't become a blubbering emotional mess all the time! haha. but you know, i enjoy feeling like this. speak soon!

- Lotus Flower

- - - Updated - - -

Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine

Hi there BringMeSunshine! Nice to meet you. No. i have not had a history with nappies. although, i've read some threads and it sounds great. and i get really happy when i see people talking so openly and expressing themselves. were all unique and beautiful in our own ways. :) (hearing myself say that, feels kind of ironic when i find it hard to say it to myself) i'm very new to this site and wasn't really sure what it was all about. but i read a few threads and found things i could really relate to. I hope the fact that i'm not into nappies myself (or at least, that i know of, i'm discovering alot of things about myself, but i need to pace myself) i hope that doesn't exclude me from this community. I'd like to stay, and i've been made very welcome by all the nice people on here so far!

Eek got to go, people are here. i'll come back when i have some privacy again. hope we can talk more and speak soon.


- Lotus Flower
 
C

CrinklySiren

Guest
You almost identical to me except for the whole "christmas" thing.

Being male-to-female transgender, I can relate to EVERYTHING you said, the hair, the body, the clothes, the girls wanting to do my hair or being jealous of my hair, or even mistaking me for a girl. Hell, even the becoming a "regular guy" at some point thing. Everything you said sounds identical to my early situations, the only thing was that I didnt exlore dressing or wearing gender specific clothes until maybe last year.

It can be a scary realization to come to, and a hard road to walk ~ even with support from all my friends and family ~ its still a tough path to walk because the rest of society doesn't always agree... I've found myself left out from certain social situations because of friends of friends or because of their families being closed minded or ignorant.

The main thin that is worth saying is that you are you and that is what matters; its scary to be you sometimes because we grow up in a world that tries to robotize us the moment we come out of the wound, we are mentally trained to believe that there is ONE path to a successful or happy life and as we grow older, we find ourselves straying from this "perfect path" (because its how life is supposed to be, there is no predetermined path), and it hits us like a ton of cinderblocks ~ we feel guilt and shame either brought on by our disagreeing thoughts or by a disagreeing society who are following their pre-determined robotic path to success and happiness, and in the end are miserable because they never had the guts or the balls to live their life the way THEY wanted to, out of fear that "random strangers" would disagree.

So its worth remembering that while its scary to be out and be you and embrace your uniqueness, its always a good thing to remember that no matter WHAT you do, someone somewhere is going to disagree and have a negative opinion about it, so never be ashamed or feel guilty for who you are. I know some may disagree with me on what I'm about to say: but i feel like this world requires great risk when fighting the battle of freedom to be yourself ~ if its truly hard to be different in your area, i would suggest taking a self-defense class, or multiple classes, so that you can be yourself and fuck up anyone who tries to change it with physical force.

As gigglemuffinz said, there are plenty of people out there that want someone just like you as their friend, companion, lover, etc. The best part about all this is knowing that you are not even remotely alone. Do yourself a favor and make these short 100 years the best damn years of your life, because even negative emotions felt on the wrong path are better than positive emotions felt on the wrong one.

I'm not going to make assumptions on where you fall on the gender spectrum, thats for you to decide or for a psychologist to diagnose in terms of gender confusion ~ but I will say this; Since embracing and coming out as male-to-female transgender, my life has become significantly harder, my depression episodes last longer and are more drastic, things are just overall harder to deal with ~ but i wouldn't trade it in with how I use to feel... I'd rather walk a hard path with a clear view of my horizon, than walk a foggy path, not knowing what is around the corner..... I always hated playing video games where you could only save at certain points, not knowing if I was going to die from a really crazy boss battle around the corner... so I would sometimes save, sometimes not save.... thats how I saw my life before I started transitioning.. I would overanalyze, overly consider everything, afraid to lose it all... but since then, its like my life is on auto-save.... I can't go back and I dont WANT to go back because everything is a new experience and I can HANDLE it SO MUCH BETTER now... when I was confused... i couldnt deal with any situation properly... but now despite having MORE problems, i can handle them as if they were nothing... im more happy, less angry, etc.

I went off on a tangent, but the point im trying to make is that A) no need to feel ashamed, guilty, or a need to apologize for yourself, B) you're not alone and never will be alone, there is an unofficial sisterhood or brotherhood that may not even know you yet but already want you to succeed, and C) Do what makes you happy, because in the end when you do what makes you happy and forget what the rest of the world thinks or might think, you see the rest of the world with eyes of pity because they don't feel as free as you do.

Also, I know how you feel like being born male was a punishment... i have and sometimes still do feel that very same way; but sometimes i just tell myself "i'm still evolving into who I want to be, and i'll get there"

I know others have already said so much and saying this will mean little after the others have put it so well and eloquently, but I thought i'd just give my 2 cents.
 
M

Marka

Guest
Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine

bringmesunshine,

While the 'roots' of ADISC are founded from a place of diapers, regression, and acceptance...this 'tree' branches out with similar needs of both related, and not as seemingly related basis to nappies etc...

But, straight from the cow's mouth...

Moo said:
ADISC Introduction & FAQ

What is ADISC.org?

ADISC.org is a supportive, social community, catering mainly to adults who wear diapers.

Our members are:

Adult Babies (ABs: adults who act babyish for fun)
Diaper Lovers (DLs: people who enjoy wearing diapers)
Incontinent people (ICs: bedwetters, the 'accident prone', etc)
Babyfurs (BFs: people who act like baby animals for fun)


Many of our members fit into more than one of the above groups.

It is not necessary to wear diapers to participate here, though.
Many appreciate other elements of the AB/DL lifestyle, are a caretaker, or have a friend in one of the above groups, and wish to learn more about it.


What is ADISC.org's mission?

Our primary mission is to support our members through the diaper-related challenges they face.
Being an adult who wears diapers can sometimes be challenging, and ADISC is here to support people facing those challenges.
For example, we reassure members they are not alone, and let them see how others have overcome similar challenges.

After supporting our members, our secondary goal is providing a social environment for members.
Somewhere to talk, to laugh, to relax, and to have intelligent discussions.
Since our members are spread out geographically, ADISC.org is our opportunity to talk with each other.

To LotusFlower,

In short...Welcome!! I too identify with much you have said...
Until I get a better response sorted out...I'll leave it at that...

:hug:
-Marka
 

LotusFlower

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  1. Sissy
Hi Emily. nice to meet you! I think it was actually reading one of your posts, and a few others too. that made me want to join here. you seem like a strong willed character, and confident too. i admire that very much. i wish i could borrow some of that from you! I'm coming to realise how difficult the road ahead is going to be. Sometimes i wish i could just wake up and be that person i want to be. but i know thats not going to happen. you only get out of life what you put into it. The self-defense classes seem like a good idea. I've always been an anxious person and that would help me feel safer.

Yesterday i felt great in my new self. It felt i had accepted it finally, and was enjoying it. i felt excited. possibly getting a little carried away with all my emotions coming out. Then, I drifted to sleep in the afternoon. i had a rather symbolic nightmare, when i woke up i felt like hell. i was sick straight away. i felt scared and confusion. I basically locked myself in my room away from my family. i didn't want them to see me like this. i'm supposed to attend a music group on monday evenings. I didn't go. My friends were knocking at the door, i wouldn't answer. i was in my room in the dark with headphones blasting music so loud to try and drown everything out. I came on here and saw i had new messages. i couldn't really concentrate to read them properly, my head was in a spin. I wrote a long post venting how bad i was feeling. then i paused, and deleted it. i would like to remain clear in my mind when i come on here if i can. i don't want to be making posts when i'm in a state, that could possibly be triggering or upsetting for others on here. thats the last thing i would want! mentally and emotionally drained. i had an early night instead.

i guess i've still got a while to go in terms of accepting this. my brain is still obviously trying to repress, I'm going into denial sometimes i think. I'm struggling to handle the rapid shifts of mood that are happening to me everyday. I didn't eat anything yesterday either. I'm going to have to make that call to the doctor. I'm scared to do that because its going to set of a chain reaction towards everyone finding out about me. There's still some parts of me that want to repress this and pretend its not happening. But I need to find some inner strength and face this. now. My family can tell somethings up, my friend's will soon too. and i can't have this stopping me doing the things i enjoy in life. like that music group i missed last night.

I've got to say. Being on here. I feel in the company of friends now :). i don't feel alone. I'm so grateful to all of you for being so supportive. your all amazing, i can't put it into words. I hope you all don't mind, I'm using this thread almost like a diary that i want to share with all of you. Its helping me alot. i hope thats ok? Seeing that some of you have gone through this and can relate. seeing how far some of you have come. I feel really proud of you all. it inspires me and gives me hope that maybe one day i'll be in that place too. the place where I'm finally free. My only wish. I wish there was more awareness of this in the world. It may just be that i live in a small town. But i've never had an opportunity to confront these feelings. I didn't even realise how depressed it's been making me for years, i'd kind of adjusted to it. I'm just so glad this website exists. If this had all come out and i was dealing with it on my own. i don't know how that would have turned out, not good i can imagine. It's 4 am where i am right now. i better go for now and try to get another hour before i have to get up and get on with my day. Hope you all have a nice day and speak soon!

- Lotus Flower
 

LotusFlower

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  1. Sissy
Hi all, the sleep didn't happen. guess i'm up for the day. but just one last quick post. i've been posting an awful lot and should probably calm down on it. One thing i have been reluctant to mention about my past. I'm sorry i don't want to upset anyone who reads, i think i can say this without that happening hopefully.

I went through a tough time at 17. Was never really sure how it happened the years around then are a bit hazy to me. I took a massive overdose. I was unconscious in hospital for 3 days. the doctors told my family and friends i wasn't going to make it through the first night. But amazingly, i survived it. There were a few more attempts after that. I spent time in a psych ward a couple of those times too under section. I became pretty much agoraphobic when i left hospital. After a while, i decided that something had kept me alive for a reason. I've spent the years since on a journey trying to find out who i want to be. I may be a bit behind others my age for things like having my own place and stuff. I'm only really getting to the point now where i want to move and become more independent. My family is very close knit though and i value them being around. Especially my nephew and his boyfriend, i spent alot of time with them. I feel a little more comfortable being myself around them, because i know they've gone through alot of hardships too living in this town. They're hardly going to judge me. I've already achieved so many milestones and grown as a person so much. those years are long behind me, though i still struggle with social anxiety to this day. I never use social media, things like facebook. so coming on here and making these posts was and still is a really big deal to me. The things i've been talking about from my teenage years. I'd forgotten all about it after the times in hospital and stuff. i guess thats when it all became repressed and things have been brought out in me now. Don't worry about me anyone! i'd never consider attempting suicide ever again. I've learn to find what things i love in life. my family, friends, my music, nature and walks with my dog who is my best buddy too! I've always found if im troubled when i go walking out in nature, i feel a million miles from everything and it is very therapeutic for me. Life is a precious gift, i treasure it. I'm having a difficult time at the moment and i may not always be so positive and optimistic. but i have to believe in myself now. I've been through hell before, if i could get through that i can get through anything. Thanks again everyone for giving me this opportunity to speak.

- Lotus Flower
 

LotusFlower

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Role
  1. Sissy
Hi everybody! third post in one day. I'm sorry if its excessive. I do hope your not sick to death of hearing from me by now. lol. i'll try to calm down on that. This feels like my safe place right now. I can be myself. Its incredibly calming and comforting to know i can say how i feel and not be judged. My friends and family know nothing and I'm getting so close to blurting it out. its torture. posting on here is my release. I thought admitting would be the end of the difficulty and it would be easy after that. i was wrong. its triggered a flood of thoughts, feelings and emotions that i'm struggling to deal with. I'm sorry if i was a bit dark with my last post. I don't want you all to be weirded out, i am worrying about that a little. I really wanted it to be, kind of, an uplifting story i guess. That's how i see it. It made me look within myself for what i truly wanted to be. and in a weird way, it made me a better person once i'd come through it.

Although i know in my heart how i feel. I don't want to do anything risky, and i want this to be safe. I was so close to contacting my doctor earlier. or telling a family member. or something, anything. but i think i need to slow it down as much as possible. i want to do what makes me happy. What feels right. Not make things worse when I'm feeling bad. i still have alot of learning to do, and i'm finding alot of the threads on here very informative and helpful.

But ive decided something. my body hair has got to go. tonight. ive wanted it gone for a while and been so scared of getting caught. if theres just one thing i can do to make myself feel a little bit better. then i should do it. I know its risky, but it's not exactly the hottest time of year where i am. i can always cover it up with clothes. The occasional risk is something i've got to be willing to take if i ever want things to change. hope to hear from one of you soon!

- Lotus Flower
 
Messages
441
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
i hope that doesn't exclude me from this community.
It does not and I was wrong in my guessing so my apologies there *yikes*, ADISC is also for Little's (there are other commenter's who you can see who've stated that), I'm relatively new on hear as well so I feel I can be excused some mistakes! It's just anyone my age (or close to my age) presents an exciting person to talk to regarding that connection and where nappies are concerned...well let's just say I am not pressuring you and I am not going to pressure you - that my friend would be wrong! You have already hit the nail on the head by saying we are all wonderful unique people and we are who we are. Moving away from nappies I'm sure we'll find things to converse richly about. Until we talk eTalk again. bringmesunshine

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bringmesunshine,

While the 'roots' of ADISC are founded from a place of diapers, regression, and acceptance...this 'tree' branches out with similar needs of both related, and not as seemingly related basis to nappies etc...

But, straight from the cow's mouth...ETC. ETC.
Okay! I feel fully finger-wagged at! Lets be friends, please pretty please! :beg: bringmesunshine
 
M

Marka

Guest
It does not and I was wrong in my guessing so my apologies there *yikes*, ADISC is also for Little's (there are other commenter's who you can see who've stated that), I'm relatively new on hear as well so I feel I can be excused some mistakes! It's just anyone my age (or close to my age) presents an exciting person to talk to regarding that connection and where nappies are concerned...well let's just say I am not pressuring you and I am not going to pressure you - that my friend would be wrong! You have already hit the nail on the head by saying we are all wonderful unique people and we are who we are. Moving away from nappies I'm sure we'll find things to converse richly about. Until we talk eTalk again. bringmesunshine

- - - Updated - - -

Okay! I feel fully finger-wagged at! Lets be friends, please pretty please! :beg: bringmesunshine

Sorry, that was not intended to be a 'finger-wagging' or any form of chastising, or admonishment! No worries! -Marka
 
Messages
712
Role
  1. Carer
LotusFlower, I just wanted to say welcome. You sound like so much fun and I can tell you are super excited about the journey ahead of you. I hope you feel pretty in all the new things you are buying? I would like to hear more about your progression as you go. I am not really a cross dresser in the conventional sense but do enjoy dressing as a dominatrix to gender swap from time to time. I like all the lacy underwear the girls get to wear all the time! So jealous it makes me mad. Do you have any thoughts about PVC skirts...they are my favourite.
 
M

Marka

Guest
"..."..."

But ive decided something. my body hair has got to go. tonight. ive wanted it gone for a while and been so scared of getting caught. if theres just one thing i can do to make myself feel a little bit better. then i should do it. I know its risky, but it's not exactly the hottest time of year where i am. i can always cover it up with clothes. The occasional risk is something i've got to be willing to take if i ever want things to change. hope to hear from one of you soon!

- Lotus Flower

I may be a little late for your first body/leg shave, Lotus Flower...and I would've warned that there may be a significant learning curve to this process...

If you are getting back to us...possibly feeling like you just had a night of dirty dancing with porcupines... fear not...

Here are a couple of probably several Threads/posts available here... relating to the major shave...

http://www.adisc.org/forum/sissy-girls/82009-shaving.html

http://www.adisc.org/forum/sissy-girls/82161-body-shaving-before-after-without-hormones.html

Hint said:
If you type "shaving" in the search field to the far right of the blue header above...you'll find many discussions on this process, and some of the pit-falls that you may encounter...

As much as I would love permanent hair removal myself....that simply isn't practical for me now... So, I shave...

I think that it's a good idea, that you are feeling good in your explorations...I also understand that sometimes we have more questions than we first thought...

Pacing yourself, is probably very wise too...give yourself time to acclimate to the smaller steps...that should prove helpful too....when or if you should bring this out for others to see... (not excluding Doctors)

I've forgotten just how exciting this can be...and in some ways more scary, as the potential inevitable disclosure comes to mind... To that I say...let's get you situated as well we can, before we bring too many others into it...

It's going to ultimately be up to you to decide who is ready to know, and who is not...(and when) Regardless...you have to be ready for you, first and foremost!

I hope that you'll continue to share your joys and concerns...and that we may be able to help you avoid some of the despair!


With warmest regards!
-Marka
 

LotusFlower

Est. Contributor
Messages
53
Role
  1. Sissy
Hello everybody! sorry i'm having trouble using quotes. bit of a forum noob. can i quote more than one thing in a single post? i just want to make sure you all know im responding. for now i'll just have to do it like this.

BringMeSunshine

Hello again. I may not have a history with nappies. i've read a few threads though it sounds very comfortable. I can certainly relate to my younger side though. I notice there's a few MLP fans on here. My sense of humour can be quite random and quirky at times. Sometimes in company i'll play songs like 'Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!' they think i'm doing it to be awkward for a laugh. all those colours drive me mad though. the whole things just so cute! One of my friends is quite the gamer, i transformed his minecraft town into a pony paradise. haha. with cherry blossom trees, colourful roads and paths, i built a rainbow over a pond, and a giant pinkie pie pixel art over his house. Felt so sad when it all got burnt down though :( i think the town looked alot better like that. I love pokemon too, and yes, i cried at the 'pikachu's goodbye' episode. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm definately in touch with that younger side of myself. I'm really new to some of the things here. I only discovered this site a week ago and at that time wasn't really sure what the terms meant. AB/DL/LG. so i guess i'm just trying to relate. I'd love to understand more about these things, so then i can see where the similarities lie. This whole side of me has been terribly repressed though so, i can't really say what i am in these terms because i don't know what they mean fully. Hope that makes sense? Hope we can talk more though and that you feel you can be open with me too.

DexxKizWizzard

Hello! nice to meet you :). PVC you ask? I like it but the thought of wearing it is incredibly daughting to me. I guess in my sexual (and more kinky side), i much prefer to be submissive rather than a dom. I love that feeling of giving up control, of course, within the safety of a trusting relationship. In my love life i've been able to explore that, being tied up or handcuffs, teasing. Im not sure if it was naturally her thing, but she grew to love it and after a while she became very good at it. She knew exactly how to press my buttons. it was bliss *sigh*. Unfortunately, since all this started coming out in me. my love life has stopped, I'm very confused about my sexuality at the moment. i'm trying to take this one step at a time to find out who i am so it may take me a while to find out what i want. I guess my biggest concern has been people finding out, what would happen if i had an encounter and then she discovered i'm shaven? or in panties? So when i'm out in town if i've had any advances. i've promptly ran away. I still consider myself straight, i still get turned on by women, but I'm spending more and more time noticing the way they look. hairstyles and make-up. how they dress. I feel so jealous of them, and it drives me mad. I'm starting to get annoyed about my male name and don't like being called by it. But i don't have a feminine name. so what does that mean for me? I really want to get out of these male clothes i hate them and don't relate to them at all :(. so confusing. i'm getting other desires too. i don't consider myself gay. But I have desires of being made love to like a women. Not in a brutish or degrading way, its not a humiliation thing. Kind of the tenderness you find in love. and with maturbation and stuff, i try to do it in a feminine way, if that makes sense? Its made the orgasms wayyyy wayy better too. don't know, so many confusing thoughts at the moment. i don't know what i am. ahhhh!! i just need to take a deep breath and be calm. I'm finding talking about all this stuff, almost shocking to me, like i don't know where it's coming from. Sorry if i went off on a tangent. Its all very new to me talking about these things, and i guess i've been bottling it for so long it's all just blurting out now, i've got so much to say i could probably write a book. lol :). Anyways, nice to meet you and hope we can talk more.

... i was going to try to reply to everybody, in this post but it's going to end up way too long. I hope talking about the sexual stuff wasn't too much, it says keep it PG-13 in the rules so i'm not completely sure what I'm ok to talk about, and what I'm not. I've got to go now but i'll be back later. Hope you all have a nice day!

- Lotus Flower
 
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