Earlier this morning I made a post showing my disdain to the abdl community and that I feel I am not a part of it. So my story to why I feel this way: all my elementary years me and my younger sister played house. One would be the baby and the other the parent. When my fourth grade year ended my sister didn't want to play anymore so I started looking for other ways to play house. I thought the internet would be a good place. I searched something like "I want to be a baby" and that's when at a vulnerable age I discovered this lifestyle. I soon told myself I must be like these people... And I began searching more and more things until my parents saw my searches. My dad asked if it was sexual and I was confused. I didn't understand how wanting to be younger would be, but I late realized he saw how sexual and perverted abdl is. I didn't search or do anything about being young again till middle school and one night I decided to make a makeshift diaper. I put it on in bed. I laid down on my belly and when I moved I felt a sensation. I continued to move till the sensation reached its apex. I pleasures myself for the first time on accident in a "diaper". I quickly realized what happened and was mortified. My innocence with being a baby was forever gone. The rest of middle school I would put on a makeshift diaper and masturbate till I would, you know. Strangely, I thought it technically wasn't masturbation at the time since I didn't use my hands because I thought it was wrong to do it the traditional way. Little did I know they for no different and I would forever associate pleasuring myself and diapers from then on. It is miserable. It wasn't ever supposed to be that way. I don't want it to be sexual but my naive mind in middle school thought I wasn't doing any harm. HOW DO I FIX THIS AND MAKE IT LIKE IT USED TO BE BEFORE I SEARCHED ON THE INTERNET.