Terrified

[dogboy]

There are many of us on this site that have lived with being AB/DL for years, hiding it from our wives. We simply learned how to self nurture, finding time away from family to wear diapers and regress. It's not ideal but it's better than doing without diapers and doing without our family. I did for years until my wife discovered my Amazon diaper order. I had to explain the whole thing to her. Her response to me was, do you have enough supplies.

She did buy me plushies, onsies, sippy cups etc., but she also wanted the husband and man that she married. I was a weight lifter and I had two cars that I raced on the track. I was and still am a musician and a writer and she appreciated all of those sides of me but at the end of the day, she needed to know that I was still the man she married.

I think you are pushing too much on your wife. I think you should pull it down by about 90% and start small, giving her a fair amount of time to get used to this. It took my wife a while but over time she understood more and more. When I started writing diaper stories for this site, I would read them to her as she was an English major and I appreciated her input. I think she gained a better understanding as to how I experienced regressing and feeling like a baby just by hearing my stories. Sometimes it was a little embarrassing for me to read them because I knew I was exposing my inner desires but there it was.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should go slowly and find some creative ways to educate her so that it doesn't sound so freaky to her.

 

[DylanLewis]

There are many of us on this site that have lived with being AB/DL for years, hiding it from our wives. We simply learned how to self nurture, finding time away from family to wear diapers and regress. It's not ideal but it's better than doing without diapers and doing without our family. I did for years until my wife discovered my Amazon diaper order. I had to explain the whole thing to her. Her response to me was, do you have enough supplies.

She did buy me plushies, onsies, sippy cups etc., but she also wanted the husband and man that she married. I was a weight lifter and I had two cars that I raced on the track. I was and still am a musician and a writer and she appreciated all of those sides of me but at the end of the day, she needed to know that I was still the man she married.

I think you are pushing too much on your wife. I think you should pull it down by about 90% and start small, giving her a fair amount of time to get used to this. It took my wife a while but over time she understood more and more. When I started writing diaper stories for this site, I would read them to her as she was an English major and I appreciated her input. I think she gained a better understanding as to how I experienced regressing and feeling like a baby just by hearing my stories. Sometimes it was a little embarrassing for me to read them because I knew I was exposing my inner desires but there it was.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should go slowly and find some creative ways to educate her so that it doesn't sound so freaky to her.

Dogboy
I never stop being lifted by your accounts of your wonderful marriage to your beloved wife, and the way she accepted and loved both sides of you. It's an inspiration and an example to many of us.

 

[Electrically]

I just can’t
I love my family and I am still necessary but someday I’ll have to revisit that thought process

There are many of us on this site that have lived with being AB/DL for years, hiding it from our wives. We simply learned how to self nurture, finding time away from family to wear diapers and regress. It's not ideal but it's better than doing without diapers and doing without our family. I did for years until my wife discovered my Amazon diaper order. I had to explain the whole thing to her. Her response to me was, do you have enough supplies.

She did buy me plushies, onsies, sippy cups etc., but she also wanted the husband and man that she married. I was a weight lifter and I had two cars that I raced on the track. I was and still am a musician and a writer and she appreciated all of those sides of me but at the end of the day, she needed to know that I was still the man she married.

I think you are pushing too much on your wife. I think you should pull it down by about 90% and start small, giving her a fair amount of time to get used to this. It took my wife a while but over time she understood more and more. When I started writing diaper stories for this site, I would read them to her as she was an English major and I appreciated her input. I think she gained a better understanding as to how I experienced regressing and feeling like a baby just by hearing my stories. Sometimes it was a little embarrassing for me to read them because I knew I was exposing my inner desires but there it was.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should go slowly and find some creative ways to educate her so that it doesn't sound so freaky to her.

I realize I have to pull back at times but her complete lack of acceptance and belief of a cure even though I explained that isn’t what I Want is overwhelming for me at times. I haven’t worn diapers at all or pushed to be accepted by flaunting anything in front of her.

I just can’t take the disgusted looks she gives me every time I do something slightly childish.
I have asked her what things I can do that she would feel comfortable with or asked her to just occasionally pack me a childish lunch or tuck me in with a kiss on the forehead she will not tolerate any of it. I think her version of curing me is attempt to not allow any kind of childish behavior. Which isn’t even who I married She use to be so loving towards me even when I would have my occasional temporary night time UI due to stress check my pants and everything it has only been since July but I feel like she is not working towards acceptance
This situation is eating at me, consuming me.
Her attitude towards this is makes me feel BAD
If I wasn’t to bring it up she very well might figure it went away and I am back to normal

I am Considering asking her to look at this site for answers or explaining things better than I.
However I fear she isn’t ready for it. There are some of us that are pretty extreme ( no offense) and she will think that we are all the same and freak out and this site is much healthier site than most

I don’t want her to leave me but I need her to compromise and at least allow for some release.
She is sooo concerned with what would the neighbors think if they found out.
my thoughts are F the neighbor
Or the kids would flip out if they found out
My thoughts are if they do sit them down and explain that it’s none of their business. And explain it doesn’t change anything. And it’s nothing to worry about.
Thanks for your thoughts it’s just been challenging.

 

[Electrically]

I realize I have to pull back at times but her complete lack of acceptance and belief of a cure even though I explained that isn’t what I Want is overwhelming for me at times. I haven’t worn diapers at all or pushed to be accepted by flaunting anything in front of her.

I just can’t take the disgusted looks she gives me every time I do something slightly childish.
I have asked her what things I can do that she would feel comfortable with or asked her to just occasionally pack me a childish lunch or tuck me in with a kiss on the forehead she will not tolerate any of it. I think her version of curing me is attempt to not allow any kind of childish behavior. Which isn’t even who I married She use to be so loving towards me even when I would have my occasional temporary night time UI due to stress check my pants and everything it has only been since July but I feel like she is not working towards acceptance
This situation is eating at me, consuming me.
Her attitude towards this is makes me feel BAD
If I wasn’t to bring it up she very well might figure it went away and I am back to normal

I am Considering asking her to look at this site for answers or explaining things better than I.
However I fear she isn’t ready for it. There are some of us that are pretty extreme ( no offense) and she will think that we are all the same and freak out and this site is much healthier site than most

I don’t want her to leave me but I need her to compromise and at least allow for some release.
She is sooo concerned with what would the neighbors think if they found out.
my thoughts are F the neighbor
Or the kids would flip out if they found out
My thoughts are if they do sit them down and explain that it’s none of their business. And explain it doesn’t change anything. And it’s nothing to worry about.
Thanks for your thoughts it’s just been challenging.

I don’t even want to think about how the conversation would go if I brought up I need more diapers.

 

[DylanLewis]

I realize I have to pull back at times but her complete lack of acceptance and belief of a cure even though I explained that isn’t what I Want is overwhelming for me at times. I haven’t worn diapers at all or pushed to be accepted by flaunting anything in front of her.

I just can’t take the disgusted looks she gives me every time I do something slightly childish.
I have asked her what things I can do that she would feel comfortable with or asked her to just occasionally pack me a childish lunch or tuck me in with a kiss on the forehead she will not tolerate any of it. I think her version of curing me is attempt to not allow any kind of childish behavior. Which isn’t even who I married She use to be so loving towards me even when I would have my occasional temporary night time UI due to stress check my pants and everything it has only been since July but I feel like she is not working towards acceptance
This situation is eating at me, consuming me.
Her attitude towards this is makes me feel BAD
If I wasn’t to bring it up she very well might figure it went away and I am back to normal

I am Considering asking her to look at this site for answers or explaining things better than I.
However I fear she isn’t ready for it. There are some of us that are pretty extreme ( no offense) and she will think that we are all the same and freak out and this site is much healthier site than most

I don’t want her to leave me but I need her to compromise and at least allow for some release.
She is sooo concerned with what would the neighbors think if they found out.
my thoughts are F the neighbor
Or the kids would flip out if they found out
My thoughts are if they do sit them down and explain that it’s none of their business. And explain it doesn’t change anything. And it’s nothing to worry about.
Thanks for your thoughts it’s just been challenging.

Electrically
You mentioned that you were considering asking your wife to look at this site to help her understand being ABDL, but that her (premature) exposure to the diversity of ABDL experience might be counter productive.

You could have a look at a book I wrote called 'The Adult Baby Identity - A Self Help Guide' as something that you might share with your wife. Its available inexpensively on amazon, in digital or paperback. It describes how being ABDL is a fundamental and permanent part of our natures, but also recognizes the problems that can create for us and our partners. I don't usually refer to my books in case people think I am hawking them for financial gain. (I vest all the proceeds with the publisher to support their work in the education of the public and ABDLs on the psychological underpinnings of our identity, so I have no financial motive). The book wasn't written specifically for a non-accepting spouse, and in places its frank/honest disclosure, may be very confronting for a non-accepting spouse, so have a close look before you think about giving it to her.

p.s. My wife was also paranoid about anyone else finding out me being ABDL - family, kids, neighbours, work etc. Its a very big thing for partners. It's taken her a long while to trust that I'm as concerned as she is to avoid disclosure, and to get used to the fact that I can have a life as a Little inside the house without it blowing us up.

 

[Electrically]

Electrically
You mentioned that you were considering asking your wife to look at this site to help her understand being ABDL, but that her (premature) exposure to the diversity of ABDL experience might be counter productive.

You could have a look at a book I wrote called 'The Adult Baby Identity - A Self Help Guide' as something that you might share with your wife. Its available inexpensively on amazon, in digital or paperback. It describes how being ABDL is a fundamental and permanent part of our natures, but also recognizes the problems that can create for us and our partners. I don't usually refer to my books in case people think I am hawking them for financial gain. (I vest all the proceeds with the publisher to support their work in the education of the public and ABDLs on the psychological underpinnings of our identity, so I have no financial motive). The book wasn't written specifically for a non-accepting spouse, and in places its frank/honest disclosure, may be very confronting for a non-accepting spouse, so have a close look before you think about giving it to her.

p.s. My wife was also paranoid about anyone else finding out me being ABDL - family, kids, neighbours, work etc. Its a very big thing for partners. It's taken her a long while to trust that I'm as concerned as she is to avoid disclosure, and to get used to the fact that I can have a life as a Little inside the house without it blowing us up.

I am going to continue to try to encourage her to understand.
I don’t know how successful I will be.
I read the free portion of your book. Which did seem to try to explain. However it seems to draw many parallels to other conditions in which I don’t understand or even want to at this point. Also not that I am dumb but there are many words used (in the first parts) that I would need a definition to get a better understanding of what exactly the message is.
My Wife ( who went to college) may understand this better. I realize you are trying to include as many different categories of ABs and explain there positions I honestly prefer mostly for my wife’s sake that it didn’t go in that direction so quickly. Not that I mind but I don’t want to complicate her understanding with everything that’s out there.
I might be wrong but I truly want her to understand I am the adult that I have always been and I have no dilution of actually being 2
However I feel like I need to be nurtured at times as if I were. I don’t want to neglect my responsibility or even be actually 2. I just need to feel like I am loved accepted and be able to love and trust her. I don’t want to make her something she is not or put her or myself in a embarrassing or uncomfortable situation.
I don’t want it to go away I want to accept it as a important part of me. and I need her to not be just sympathetic but supportive of this side of me. And the even more complicated part it is sexual driven at times and for me this is where sex lives. It’s very hard to explain this side I am not trying to have sex with my mother or find anything sexy about toddlers. So trying to identify the sexual feelings I get is not easy. If you have any suggestions on this I would appreciate.
Please don’t be offended by my criticism of your book I am proud of you. I am proud to have chatted with you. I know you are trying to help. And you are helping. which someday I hope to be as helpful
Best

 

[DylanLewis]

I am going to continue to try to encourage her to understand.
I don’t know how successful I will be.
I read the free portion of your book. Which did seem to try to explain. However it seems to draw many parallels to other conditions in which I don’t understand or even want to at this point. Also not that I am dumb but there are many words used (in the first parts) that I would need a definition to get a better understanding of what exactly the message is.
My Wife ( who went to college) may understand this better. I realize you are trying to include as many different categories of ABs and explain there positions I honestly prefer mostly for my wife’s sake that it didn’t go in that direction so quickly. Not that I mind but I don’t want to complicate her understanding with everything that’s out there.
I might be wrong but I truly want her to understand I am the adult that I have always been and I have no dilution of actually being 2
However I feel like I need to be nurtured at times as if I were. I don’t want to neglect my responsibility or even be actually 2. I just need to feel like I am loved accepted and be able to love and trust her. I don’t want to make her something she is not or put her or myself in a embarrassing or uncomfortable situation.
I don’t want it to go away I want to accept it as a important part of me. and I need her to not be just sympathetic but supportive of this side of me. And the even more complicated part it is sexual driven at times and for me this is where sex lives. It’s very hard to explain this side I am not trying to have sex with my mother or find anything sexy about toddlers. So trying to identify the sexual feelings I get is not easy. If you have any suggestions on this I would appreciate.
Please don’t be offended by my criticism of your book I am proud of you. I am proud to have chatted with you. I know you are trying to help. And you are helping. which someday I hope to be as helpful
Best

Electrically
I think what you have written is excellent. It's clear and compelling. It says what needs to be said (and says it well), and none of what doesn't need to be said at this stage. And it's better than anyone else's book, including mine, because it comes from you and no one knows you and your wife better. Trust that knowing. You are on the right track. Go you!

 

[TabulaRasa2017]

Hi Electrically,

I certainly don't know the dynamic in your marriage, but a few things stand out and I wanted to say something brief.

1. The name calling is not good. If she or you are calling each other things like a**hole, that can be a sign of a toxic relationship. That would certainly be something to explore with a couples therapist because that can't go on - it's like an acid that eats away at the foundations of your marriage.

2. The teddy bear - that struck a chord with me. I wanted my ex to buy me one as a symbol that she at least understood this side of me. A gesture of validation, if you will. She never did. My ex did not understand what such simple gestures could mean and how it could bring us closer. I don't know your dynamic, but if your marriage is still salvageable, you might try explaining through a letter or talking how this is a vulnerable side of you and since she loves you, it would mean a lot if you she got you a teddy bear.

3. You may have mentioned it here or elsewhere, so apologies if it's already been said but did your wife know about this side of you prior to the marriage or is this something of a recent reveal? It can make a difference in how to approach things.

4. Life is so damn short to spend it unhappy for years and decades. Don't do that to yourself, to her, or your family. Sometimes families are happier when people work things out and stay together, but I need to say that if you are in a toxic relationship, that advice to work through it can be like poison. Sometimes everyone, children included, are happier when mom and dad live separately and are happy. I did not realize I was in a toxic relationship until I was able to put a few pieces together. When I did realize it, that's when I left. The ABDL stuff wasn't the main issue, but it made me an easy target and distraction from the bigger picture. Think carefully and explore whether this is your situation.

5. If you can, go to therapy solo and with a therapist who is kink-aware and can talk to you about your own feelings with ABDL. I know I say that to everyone but man was it helpful for me.

Anyway, Electrically, you sound like someone who is at a low ebb, is terrified, and who's trying to sort things out. That's so hard and at some level I get it and understand. Hang in there but do reflect on how you feel ... and if you need to, get yourself a teddy bear.

Tab

 

[Electrically]

Hi Electrically,

I certainly don't know the dynamic in your marriage, but a few things stand out and I wanted to say something brief.

1. The name calling is not good. If she or you are calling each other things like a**hole, that can be a sign of a toxic relationship. That would certainly be something to explore with a couples therapist because that can't go on - it's like an acid that eats away at the foundations of your marriage.

2. The teddy bear - that struck a chord with me. I wanted my ex to buy me one as a symbol that she at least understood this side of me. A gesture of validation, if you will. She never did. My ex did not understand what such simple gestures could mean and how it could bring us closer. I don't know your dynamic, but if your marriage is still salvageable, you might try explaining through a letter or talking how this is a vulnerable side of you and since she loves you, it would mean a lot if you she got you a teddy bear.

3. You may have mentioned it here or elsewhere, so apologies if it's already been said but did your wife know about this side of you prior to the marriage or is this something of a recent reveal? It can make a difference in how to approach things.

4. Life is so damn short to spend it unhappy for years and decades. Don't do that to yourself, to her, or your family. Sometimes families are happier when people work things out and stay together, but I need to say that if you are in a toxic relationship, that advice to work through it can be like poison. Sometimes everyone, children included, are happier when mom and dad live separately and are happy. I did not realize I was in a toxic relationship until I was able to put a few pieces together. When I did realize it, that's when I left. The ABDL stuff wasn't the main issue, but it made me an easy target and distraction from the bigger picture. Think carefully and explore whether this is your situation.

5. If you can, go to therapy solo and with a therapist who is kink-aware and can talk to you about your own feelings with ABDL. I know I say that to everyone but man was it helpful for me.

Anyway, Electrically, you sound like someone who is at a low ebb, is terrified, and who's trying to sort things out. That's so hard and at some level I get it and understand. Hang in there but do reflect on how you feel ... and if you need to, get yourself a teddy bear.

Tab

I agree with all your points made and we need change besides AB and usually I try to work through problems with a plan of logic. However this seems to escape that.
So I am kinda putting out fires as they say.

the name calling has to stop which I am making a conscious effort to not use. I also have been encouraging my wife and family.
However not perfect. I am also trying to ask my wife to explain how you feel using words and be particular.
The whole jump to conclusions has caused me problems. I seem to notice the slightest of jesters which may or may not be what is meant to communicate.

I have tried to explain how I feel as well. but I have to really work on this. I realize I have hid my true feelings or blocked them for so long allowing my self to feel is really hard. Quite life changing. It’s really something.

Yes we have been married for about 20 years and I told her July in 2019 so I do realize it’s new for her and will take time.
Probably get worse before it gets better.

The goal as every should be is to be better
Thanks for time and support
Best

 

[Electrically]

And further more I want her to get me a teddy or anything that would show some sign of support for my small me.
I have 4 kids we got tons of stuffed animals.

I remember when I was very young I had quite a attractant to a Garfield stuffy it was more than a stuffy to me and I want to feel that again something special from her to me. Something comforting loving that is what I want
Best

 

[Electrically]

So still no fun
I appreciate all your support and I have a little time so I want to talk. if no one listens or cares that’s ok
Since I was 8 or so I was always AB. I experimented with diapers and baby stuff through my teens and finding it arousing made me feel strange different and unacceptable. Sex for me seemed impossible. I never thought I would get married or really even be with a woman. In my early 20s I first had sex for the first time with a woman from CA being she wasn’t connected to anything close to me I found the courage to fantasize about whatever I wanted and realized that she didn’t know what I was thinking and everything worked. After much practice with her confidence grew however felt no real attachment to her I felt like so what I can live a normal life. Come to think about it I had no real attachment to anyone. I moved around a lot 3 different high schools military etc. people just moved through my life and me being different I just kept everyone at arms length.
So I figured I would just marry her and this is going to work. Well she got pregnant and decided to abort the baby. So I couldn’t marry her.
I moved back home and soon enough met my wife. With the confidence of masking my desires and my wife being the caring loving nurturing motherly type. It was easy to be with her. She is what I fantasize about.
However really not understanding love and if you would have asked me for a definition I would say something like love is when you find something ,someone useful to your needs and compatible with your goals. And oddly enough I was pretty sure I didn’t need anyone.
At that time there was no thought of sharing my desires with anyone. I could control them eventually they would go away.
I would wear from time to time or find something to fixate on ( binkies stories etc) in secret. I had gotten good at masking no one would ever know.
I strong fast and impenetrable.
And then my first child
The second she was born my love theory changed. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. Not just the love I felt for her but the love for my wife. I could not control it. I could not do it myself.
But it’s ok I’ll figure it out 1+1 =3?
Time moved on stresses grew more kids remodel this, build that, need more money ect. Provide!
So as things went I would self nurture as necessary not finding a end. a level that was completely satisfying. How far would it take? Incontinence? Completely unable to take care of my self? That can’t be the answer.
How could I strong, impenetrable self need to go to feel right?
Forward to last July
Before telling my wife, the first person close to me that I ever told I had this delusion that I’ve built around her that she knew and understood the need I have and was willing and wanted to be that for me.
so as that delusion crashed to pieces and realized that’s not what she wants. I needed to figure out what I needed.
causing me to question everything I thought I knew.
Causing me to look into myself and feel maybe for the first time in 30 years.

believe me when I say it has not been easy and truly terrifying to know you need help when you feel so alone. but I am going to find what it takes for me to feel right. To accept myself, To truly love

maybe I’m too romantic but I can’t look for a easy self nurturing answer I need to feel nurtured and loved and know it’s true.
for me. all of me!

a couple things come to mind when I think of things
A. Intentions are not evil don’t be tricked into thinking so.
B. Relationship is about being there for someone when they need you that’s all it’s about.
C live for love not out of fear it’s not easy it’s work

Best

 

[Electrically]

So update
I had a long talk with wifey today. She was very upset about my sex attraction and the problem I have with having sex while I am in Big frame of mind. And feeling so unaccepted from her.
sex for me is difficult
So I don’t really know how to explain it
I don’t think of her as my mother and I don’t want to have sex with my mother and I don’t want her to feel like she is having sex with a 2 year old.
I just find her motherly and I find that sexy. Does that make any sense
She kept saying so you don’t find me sexy?
my answer is yes but not like sexy super model but I find you very sexy mommy like
I am confusing myself
How to explain that
But progress was made in the end..
I laid my head on her chest for a little while and imagined I was diapered and pacified.
I encouraged her to hold my head and she did
She was quiet and I tried not to think I was weirding her out.
She had a sweatshirt on
So I just put my self in a small state of mind
Baby steps
Best

 

[Electrically]

So my wife and I went to dinner last night.
being so close to Valentines Day it was our valentines date.
We were both tired and it was kinda late. So I wasn’t sure how things would go.
I didn’t want to bring up anything uncomfortable so I thought I would just let her control conversation. Which pretty much was about her work. I tried to seem interested but I really wasn’t. I don’t know what to talk about. We talked a little about upcoming weekend and some other schedule stuff. We talked about buying a new car for a couple minutes.
There was some uncomfortable silence

how odd uncomfortable silence is with someone you know so well.

I don’t know where to go with my relationship.
Therapy seems ineffective and all she seems to do is get upset and I don’t want her to be.
I don’t want to bring up the elephant in the room anymore.
I just feel rejected.
I tried to explain that I really do find her sexy but not super model way more her motherly way. And that really doesn’t sit well. I guess she really wants to feel sexy like super model and not that she isn’t attractive but that just isn’t what I ever found sexy about her.

I guess what is really bothering me is I had this whole story of how I thought this would go. I thought she was aware of how I felt and we fit together so well. Her being controlling loving motherly type and me being controlled little boy type and we played the roles so well for so long.
How is it possible that she is unaware

and now soooo far from going in the direction I wanted
instead of being who she IS and how I always found her sexy and protective and controlling which is what I wanted. It’s my biggest attraction to her Not just sex but in general makes me feel better.

She seems to be trying really hard not to be any of those things to me anymore. And I feel like she looks to be angry with me about anything.

I never thought this would go so poorly.
I really thought the exact opposite. We would be closer and I thought she would enjoy being controlling and motherly towards me

I just feel alone, rejected, embarrassed and delusional.
And coming to the very real possibility that I will probably eventually asked/told to leave.
Maybe even threatened. Which is terrifying!!
I think she feels scorn and I had no intentions to make her feel like that in fact I thought she would feel unconditionally loved.
with her knowing I trust her decisions and I would love her no matter how she looked and would always be there.

The new car conversation
So me being me
I suggested a minivan. I really like minivans they are extremely effective vehicles.
Her response to this was a angry look and being this would basically be her transportation she gave a very strong “NO” and followed it up with “I want a convertible camero.”
I guess that kinda sums it up
We will probably get a SUV

Best

 

[Electrically]

And through all this I feel like my AB desires have gotten nothing but stronger

 

[Electrically]

I have literally seriously contemplated when I am just around her and she gives me a bad look of sticking my thumb in my mouth and peeing my pants.
maybe I should be checked into the syc. Ward

 

[Electrically]

They probably have...its a usual response when you try to suppress or ignore a need of any kind the drive to do it gets stronger.

Yep

 

[Electrically]

It will take work, but rational people who love each other can find solutions to problems

Rational? To be treated or act like I feel like I need to be

 

[Electrically]

Rational to treat someone like that