Terrible Depression

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SnowPrincessSophie

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I've been suffering from lots of lots of depression this whole school year so far. Late last school year when I first found out about my gender issues and decided to make the transition 1 day I thought I would deal with the wait just fine. I honestly never expected it to be this hard. This school year I discovered just how wrong I was. Ever since my junior year started I've been constantly depressed, had frequent mood swings, fights with gf are easier to get into and more frequent, 2 faced parents causing drama, being limited in what I can do. My heart an spirit want me to go ahead and be the pretty girl I really am and be happy, but my brain is aware of the hate, ridicule, and possibly violence that will follow as risks if I come out right now. To be honest, the longer I hold in my true self, the more it tears me apart. My parents know but they can never be as supportive as my gf is and every1 always advises me to hide it for a lil longer and wait til I'm 18 and have a greater degree of power in what I can do. Though their intentions are good, I feel as if they're unknowingly persuading me to hold myself back. I understand about having patience but enough is enough, My true self wants out and it wants out now. I'm tired of letting myself be miserable hiding and instead of blindly follow the advice I just question it and ask if its really worth bringing myself that much more pain. In just a year and a half I've gone from feeling really confident about getting through the wait for my gender issues to be fixed to a total emotional wreck who is almost out of hope. I feel lucky just to be alive and to have made it this far, but why should I allow myself endure anymore pain? I just feel like I should stop letting the advice to hide make me hold myself back and be miserable and actually be happy being myself while being aware and careful of the risks that come with it. From feeling left out seeing all girl gatherings to getting jealous of the cute outfits, I do not feel it is worth remaining wait to suffer like this.
 

cation

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Eventually you're going to be seeing a doctor about this issue, is that correct? What are the chances you could see one now. Sort of start that process? The doctor may be able to help with your current issue too. I suspect a support system would be recommeded among other things.
Best of luck to you.
 
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SnowPrincessSophie

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I'm going for my 3rd visit to a counsellor sometime this coming week or the week after.
 

Boogeyman

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Go all out. Do something that you've always wanted to do, but were to afraid to. As long as it gets you out of your slump, it's fine.
 

bdb2004

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It's good that you are seeing someone, that is always the best way to get help since they are trained and all, just keep it up, and remember that it will eventually get better and the therapy will help.

Also remember that if during the course of your sessions you don't really feel that it is helping you can always ask to see someone else. Also, if you feel like things aren't getting any better with therapy alone you can always ask about medications in addition to therapy... there are some good ones out there.
 
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Preoccupy yourself with others things. There's no point in eating yourself up over something that's currently out of your control.
 

DiaperBadBoy

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I've been suffering from lots of lots of depression this whole school year so far. Late last school year when I first found out about my gender issues and decided to make the transition 1 day I thought I would deal with the wait just fine. I honestly never expected it to be this hard. This school year I discovered just how wrong I was. Ever since my junior year started I've been constantly depressed, had frequent mood swings, fights with gf are easier to get into and more frequent, 2 faced parents causing drama, being limited in what I can do. My heart an spirit want me to go ahead and be the pretty girl I really am and be happy, but my brain is aware of the hate, ridicule, and possibly violence that will follow as risks if I come out right now. To be honest, the longer I hold in my true self, the more it tears me apart. My parents know but they can never be as supportive as my gf is and every1 always advises me to hide it for a lil longer and wait til I'm 18 and have a greater degree of power in what I can do. Though their intentions are good, I feel as if they're unknowingly persuading me to hold myself back. I understand about having patience but enough is enough, My true self wants out and it wants out now. I'm tired of letting myself be miserable hiding and instead of blindly follow the advice I just question it and ask if its really worth bringing myself that much more pain. In just a year and a half I've gone from feeling really confident about getting through the wait for my gender issues to be fixed to a total emotional wreck who is almost out of hope. I feel lucky just to be alive and to have made it this far, but why should I allow myself endure anymore pain? I just feel like I should stop letting the advice to hide make me hold myself back and be miserable and actually be happy being myself while being aware and careful of the risks that come with it. From feeling left out seeing all girl gatherings to getting jealous of the cute outfits, I do not feel it is worth remaining wait to suffer like this.
Dude, I know about your true self, I struggled with that everyday of my life, but I know who I am, I'm sure you'll figure it out. Everything will work I swear
 

dogboy

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Cation hit the nail on the head. Use your counselor to help work this out. You must have a very understanding girl friend. Lean on her, and don't do anything to weaken that relationship. I don't think you should just do "anything you want" in terms of wearing girls clothes where you would be ridiculed. Unfortunately we all have to live in this world, and make things work for us. We have to interact with others, and somehow, strike a happy balance in terms of what society calls acceptable behavior. That doesn't mean you can't do what you want behind closed doors. That's what all of us do with our diapers.

When we are young, we tend to want immediate results. One week seems like a life time. But your feelings could very well change as you mature. The frontal lobe of the brain continues to develop, which changes our impulsivity. Try to use the next few years to further discover who you are. Maybe you can read books written by people who have gone through this. Most important, deal with the depression positively. There is a tomorrow, and often it's a good tomorrow. Please give it a chance.
 
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i can't help you with your gender issues but with the depression one thing that helps me is focus on the little joys in life the ones you normally take for granted.
 

SnowPrincessSophie

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The thing is my heart doesn't care about the ridicule I would receive and I honestly don't want to care but my brain is too afraid of the risks. I want to take action and be happy and not eat myself up over something I actually have a fair amount of control over but yields severe risks and consequences. Once I get my brain to agree with my heart, I'm going all out and I'm not letting anyone stop me.
 

ade

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i'm agreeing with a few about this (lukie, dogboy and conatus, and whoever else).
there's certainly no easy solution but, i know one thing for sure: dwelling on a problem only makes it worse.
your life is going to change pretty rapidly over the next couple of years and some of that change could be down to whatever 'issues' you have or phases you go through, and most will be just a matter of growth and circumstance. how will things be by the itme you're 20? and how will you feel about yourself? i know it can seem like a long way off, but beyond that, there's the even longer trek of the monotony of daily life; and that can be as depressing as any internal turmoil. that's why the little pleasures in life are important: the joking and grim banter, the private time set aside, the morning coffee, etc.
it sounds numb, but once you get over the wall that seperates youth from adulthood, it's those little things which keep you going and give you reason to get up in the morning. you should consider how your inner-self can be woven into that and if that would be a long-term viability.
i can't truely claim to being successful in weaving my 'issues' into my adulthood, but i feel that i've reached a comfortable plateau after all the previous ups and downs in coming to terms with myself; and it did take quite a few dark and teary years to get here.
i can only wish you good-luck because, whatever you decide to do, it won't be easy; for how long 'it won't be easy' depends upon your descision.......but, you can learn and train yourself, to control how and who you are; you can't do that to other people, you have to accept what they throw at you.
 

SnowPrincessSophie

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I've made my decision already. It's all a matter of turning thought into action now.
 
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