Still stuck in shame and guilt, wanting to be happy and enjoy

CuteKitten

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This topic is probably discussed here quite frequently, but anyways.
As a short backround I grew up with these desires from a very young age. I was caught multiple times when I was still living with my (mostly) verbally abusive father, every time getting caught I got shamed a bit more by him. This among many other things said and done by him obviously caused quite a lot of mental damage that I've seen only recently through therapy, but the effect of shaming me about this kink has caused especially big damage to my confidence and self-esteem.This went on until I gradually moved out during my military service, afterwards going into years of repeating binge and purge cycles. Only just a few years ago I finally felt confident enough to not hide my stuff in the attic but keep it inside of my apartment. I was in a relationship with my ex for more than two years, never gaining enough trust to tell about this.

Only recently I've been able to open up to my girlfriend about this kink. She has been amazingly accepting, even encouraging me to wear and be little around her. Still, I have a continuous need to ensure and double check that every little bit is still fine for her and not 'too much', checking to the point of it being annoying to both of us and taking away from the relaxation. I know the answer already before asking, but I can't stop it.

I also just had a very intense but hugely helpful discussion with my therapist about me being an abdl. This has also made me realize the extent of the damage caused by past hurtful things that I've heard from my father, who should have been someone that I could trust and get support from growing up, instead of what he was and probably still is.
Although I think that most of the shame and other negative feelings are coming from the past, I feel like I'm still missing some link that would enable me to connect those experiences to present emotions and help dealing with them in a constructive way that could help in self-acceptance.

Sorry for the long post, hope it makes some sense. If it doesn't, it's also fine, just felt the need to get some thoughts out.
 
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LilPaddedBunny

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Wow, that must have been hard to deal with growing up. I can't truly understand how it must have felt because my parents were pretty caring towards me. I never really acted on my desires until my teens but I'm pretty sure my parents were oblivious. I kept things well hidden. I'm not sure how they would have reacted. Probably poorly at first but I think they would have eventually gotten over it and tried to talk it out. I'm not positive exactly where my desires came from. I was intrigued by diapers after my baby brother was born but I don't remember much before preschool, so I don't have any memories of being in them.

With all that said, I can still relate to your purging and non acceptance. I went through the same thing. In my teens I tried experimenting with diapers then feeling disgusted afterwards. I felt like something was wrong with me and I was the only one. I later discovered I was not alone but never truly embraced my AB/DL side until after me and my ex split up. I don't think she would have understood and would have probably told her friends about it. I now live by myself but am completely content with it. I also now have the freedom to indulge and that has helped me to discover a side of myself I never truly knew. Now I'm much more accepting of it.

I believe having a significant other who is understanding towards you will definitely help with your acceptance in time. You probably know her pretty well at this point. You can probably tell if she's being sincere when she tells you it's OK to be little around her. Use this knowledge to ensure yourself and relax. If she wants to engage in your activities it could even be bonding for the two of you. I've come to accept myself and I still make up ridiculous scenarios in my head of how I might get found out. Then I realize I'm just being silly. Your father sounds like he probably already has his opinions formed on the matter so I'm not sure if talking things out with him would help. You should let your girlfriend help build your confidence and acceptance if she truly seems eager to help.

As for your purging, it's OK to take a break but you should just store your AB/DL things out of sight instead of getting rid of them. Then when you start to come around they'll be there and you won't regret throwing them out. Sometimes I take a break for a few days if I'm tired or not in the mood. It's OK to do other things you like for a few days instead. Then when I come back to my AB/DL side I enjoy it just as much! Sometimes a short pause can break up the monotony.

Sorry for the long reply but hopefully this helps! Just know that there are a lot of others like you out there who have also experienced trouble accepting who they are. We're all here to help!
 
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Subtlerustle

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CuteKitten said:
This topic is probably discussed here quite frequently, but anyways.
As a short backround I grew up with these desires from a very young age. I was caught multiple times when I was still living with my (mostly) verbally abusive father, every time getting caught I got shamed a bit more by him. This among many other things said and done by him obviously caused quite a lot of mental damage that I've seen only recently through therapy, but the effect of shaming me about this kink has caused especially big damage to my confidence and self-esteem.This went on until I gradually moved out during my military service, afterwards going into years of repeating binge and purge cycles. Only just a few years ago I finally felt confident enough to not hide my stuff in the attic but keep it inside of my apartment. I was in a relationship with my ex for more than two years, never gaining enough trust to tell about this.

Only recently I've been able to open up to my girlfriend about this kink. She has been amazingly accepting, even encouraging me to wear and be little around her. Still, I have a continuous need to ensure and double check that every little bit is still fine for her and not 'too much', checking to the point of it being annoying to both of us and taking away from the relaxation. I know the answer already before asking, but I can't stop it.

I also just had a very intense but hugely helpful discussion with my therapist about me being an abdl. This has also made me realize the extent of the damage caused by past hurtful things that I've heard from my father, who should have been someone that I could trust and get support from growing up, instead of what he was and probably still is.
Although I think that most of the shame and other negative feelings are coming from the past, I feel like I'm still missing some link that would enable me to connect those experiences to present emotions and help dealing with them in a constructive way that could help in self-acceptance.

Sorry for the long post, hope it makes some sense. If it doesn't, it's also fine, just felt the need to get some thoughts out.
Great post @CuteKitten
What it sounds like you crave is affirmation. That’s totally understandable given you history with being shamed. I’d urge you to leave the past behind you and listen and hear your girlfriend. She is telling you she is cool with your kink. She would have fled or protested if she wasn’t. I had a similar thing with my wife. She was telling me everything is fine but I was stuck in the past.
You risk a good thing by not taking her word as you should. Eventually my wife told be to be more confident about it. All you can tell her is that you have a difficult past with it and that you’re needy for affirmation but don’t risk this becoming a negative trigger point. Be grateful to her as much as you can. Show her your gratitude and don’t blow a lead in the 9th inning 😉
 
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dogboy

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I got caught by my parents as a college student and my mom made me see a psychiatrist. I also had some other problems but having to discuss wanting to wear diapers was tough. The desire has been so strong in me that even after being found out and swearing to my mom that I didn't need to wear diapers, I was back in them in a couple of months. For a long time I felt guilty and I believed that something had to be seriously wrong with me.

Over time I began to accept being AB/DL was a part of me just as being a musician is, being active, enjoying sports and everything else that is part of being a living being. As the Introduction advise on this site states, we are more than just our diapers, and we are. Be all of you, diapers along with everything else. We don't hurt ourselves or others just because we enjoy diapers. It's a lot more other people's problem than it is ours.
 
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mrsmallory666

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CuteKitten said:
This topic is probably discussed here quite frequently, but anyways.



As a short backround I grew up with these desires from a very young age. I was caught multiple times when I was still living with my (mostly) verbally abusive father, every time getting caught I got shamed a bit more by him. This among many other things said and done by him obviously caused quite a lot of mental damage that I've seen only recently through therapy, but the effect of shaming me about this kink has caused especially big damage to my confidence and self-esteem.This went on until I gradually moved out during my military service, afterwards going into years of repeating binge and purge cycles. Only just a few years ago I finally felt confident enough to not hide my stuff in the attic but keep it inside of my apartment. I was in a relationship with my ex for more than two years, never gaining enough trust to tell about this.







Only recently I've been able to open up to my girlfriend about this kink. She has been amazingly accepting, even encouraging me to wear and be little around her. Still, I have a continuous need to ensure and double check that every little bit is still fine for her and not 'too much', checking to the point of it being annoying to both of us and taking away from the relaxation. I know the answer already before asking, but I can't stop it.







I also just had a very intense but hugely helpful discussion with my therapist about me being an abdl. This has also made me realize the extent of the damage caused by past hurtful things that I've heard from my father, who should have been someone that I could trust and get support from growing up, instead of what he was and probably still is.



Although I think that most of the shame and other negative feelings are coming from the past, I feel like I'm still missing some link that would enable me to connect those experiences to present emotions and help dealing with them in a constructive way that could help in self-acceptance.







Sorry for the long post, hope it makes some sense. If it doesn't, it's also fine, just felt the need to get some thoughts out.
 

mrsmallory666

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My good guy friend and I have explored with his abdl side and me as his caregiver. He needs me to constantly be reassuring to him and to help keep him in baby headspace. He battles with his adult ego with this, so your post makes sense to me. Just try and be as open and communicative as you can be. Tell her what you want and need from her. The fact that she is accepting of it says a lot.
 
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blaincorrous

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I agree with the comments that your girlfriend can help you build confidence. Why don’t you ask her if she has any boundaries around this you should respect? It’s preferable to being worried you’re about to run afoul of them without knowing.

I think open communication with our partners is a great way to take the teeth out of our insecurities.
 
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CuteKitten

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LilPaddedBunny said:
Wow, that must have been hard to deal with growing up. I can't truly understand how it must have felt because my parents were pretty caring towards me. I never really acted on my desires until my teens but I'm pretty sure my parents were oblivious. I kept things well hidden. I'm not sure how they would have reacted. Probably poorly at first but I think they would have eventually gotten over it and tried to talk it out. I'm not positive exactly where my desires came from. I was intrigued by diapers after my baby brother was born but I don't remember much before preschool, so I don't have any memories of being in them.

With all that said, I can still relate to your purging and non acceptance. I went through the same thing. In my teens I tried experimenting with diapers then feeling disgusted afterwards. I felt like something was wrong with me and I was the only one. I later discovered I was not alone but never truly embraced my AB/DL side until after me and my ex split up. I don't think she would have understood and would have probably told her friends about it. I now live by myself but am completely content with it. I also now have the freedom to indulge and that has helped me to discover a side of myself I never truly knew. Now I'm much more accepting of it.

I believe having a significant other who is understanding towards you will definitely help with your acceptance in time. You probably know her pretty well at this point. You can probably tell if she's being sincere when she tells you it's OK to be little around her. Use this knowledge to ensure yourself and relax. If she wants to engage in your activities it could even be bonding for the two of you. I've come to accept myself and I still make up ridiculous scenarios in my head of how I might get found out. Then I realize I'm just being silly. Your father sounds like he probably already has his opinions formed on the matter so I'm not sure if talking things out with him would help. You should let your girlfriend help build your confidence and acceptance if she truly seems eager to help.

As for your purging, it's OK to take a break but you should just store your AB/DL things out of sight instead of getting rid of them. Then when you start to come around they'll be there and you won't regret throwing them out. Sometimes I take a break for a few days if I'm tired or not in the mood. It's OK to do other things you like for a few days instead. Then when I come back to my AB/DL side I enjoy it just as much! Sometimes a short pause can break up the monotony.

Sorry for the long reply but hopefully this helps! Just know that there are a lot of others like you out there who have also experienced trouble accepting who they are. We're all here to help!
Thanks for the reply, definitely helps a lot! 😊

Growing up with my father has had quite a big negative impact on my already not so great mental health. I was also bullied at school which he did basically nothing to help and more just added to it. Luckily my mother was and still is very caring, growing up I just got to spend very little time with her due to them being divorced.

The way you started sounds a lot like how I did. I just somehow felt very curious to try and wear diapers sometime after my younger sister had born. I was never that great in hiding things and it must have been somewhat weird for my parents to find some in my room. It took me years to find out that I was not the only one and that it probably wasn't going to go away even if I stopped wearing, it would just make me unhappy. From that I started finding some acceptance, also after splitting up with my ex I suddenly had much more time and money to start exploring. I'm sure that she wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret, as much as I would have liked to tell the trust just wasn't there.

Having someone that close share this side of me has helped a lot. We had only dated couple of months before I told, but I felt that I could trust her. The subject of kinks was already brought up, and it felt like the right moment to tell. I do know that she truly means what she says, but I still get the feeling that I'm just too much trouble to deal with. Really it doesn't make any sense, by this point I'm sure that she wouldn't be around if it wasn't okay. By now I have cut basically all contact with my father, I decided that it would be best at least at this point.

Luckily I got mostly rid of purging when I started to get more into this, by this point I'm already slightly too invested financially to get rid of everything. I still get the feeling sometimes, but I'm either able to completely resist it or then just as you said store everything out of sight for a while. I'm anyway limiting my little time mostly to the weekends and holidays, although some elements of it stay behind even when I'm not fully in the space.
 
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CuteKitten

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Subtlerustle said:
Great post @CuteKitten
What it sounds like you crave is affirmation. That’s totally understandable given you history with being shamed. I’d urge you to leave the past behind you and listen and hear your girlfriend. She is telling you she is cool with your kink. She would have fled or protested if she wasn’t. I had a similar thing with my wife. She was telling me everything is fine but I was stuck in the past.
You risk a good thing by not taking her word as you should. Eventually my wife told be to be more confident about it. All you can tell her is that you have a difficult past with it and that you’re needy for affirmation but don’t risk this becoming a negative trigger point. Be grateful to her as much as you can. Show her your gratitude and don’t blow a lead in the 9th inning 😉
That is exactly what I've also thought about it. I think leaving it behind just still takes some time, being accepted helps greatly until then. We've discussed quite a lot about my past and she is very understanding about that also. Deep down I know that there is nothing to be afraid. I'm very grateful for her acceptance and I do hope that I'm able to show it enough. Self confidence seems to still be something that I have to work on quite a bit.
 

CuteKitten

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dogboy said:
I got caught by my parents as a college student and my mom made me see a psychiatrist. I also had some other problems but having to discuss wanting to wear diapers was tough. The desire has been so strong in me that even after being found out and swearing to my mom that I didn't need to wear diapers, I was back in them in a couple of months. For a long time I felt guilty and I believed that something had to be seriously wrong with me.

Over time I began to accept being AB/DL was a part of me just as being a musician is, being active, enjoying sports and everything else that is part of being a living being. As the Introduction advise on this site states, we are more than just our diapers, and we are. Be all of you, diapers along with everything else. We don't hurt ourselves or others just because we enjoy diapers. It's a lot more other people's problem than it is ours.
That sounds hard with anything as personal as this. It is very tough to discuss about this with anyone especially if it's not fully your own choice. For me being found out went about the same way, I promised myself not to do it anymore but found myself craving it so much it was just impossible to resist. Thinking back it was far from healthy. Glad you've been able to accept this as part of you! I'm strongly thinking that there shouldn't be any problem as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.
 
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OldTerry

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I am so similar to
CuteKitten said:
This topic is probably discussed here quite frequently, but anyways.
As a short backround I grew up with these desires from a very young age. I was caught multiple times when I was still living with my (mostly) verbally abusive father, every time getting caught I got shamed a bit more by him. This among many other things said and done by him obviously caused quite a lot of mental damage that I've seen only recently through therapy, but the effect of shaming me about this kink has caused especially big damage to my confidence and self-esteem.This went on until I gradually moved out during my military service, afterwards going into years of repeating binge and purge cycles. Only just a few years ago I finally felt confident enough to not hide my stuff in the attic but keep it inside of my apartment. I was in a relationship with my ex for more than two years, never gaining enough trust to tell about this.

Only recently I've been able to open up to my girlfriend about this kink. She has been amazingly accepting, even encouraging me to wear and be little around her. Still, I have a continuous need to ensure and double check that every little bit is still fine for her and not 'too much', checking to the point of it being annoying to both of us and taking away from the relaxation. I know the answer already before asking, but I can't stop it.

I also just had a very intense but hugely helpful discussion with my therapist about me being an abdl. This has also made me realize the extent of the damage caused by past hurtful things that I've heard from my father, who should have been someone that I could trust and get support from growing up, instead of what he was and probably still is.
Although I think that most of the shame and other negative feelings are coming from the past, I feel like I'm still missing some link that would enable me to connect those experiences to present emotions and help dealing with them in a constructive way that could help in self-acceptance.

Sorry for the long post, hope it makes some sense. If it doesn't, it's also fine, just felt the need to get some thoughts out.
I am so similar too
 

CuteKitten

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mrsmallory666 said:
My good guy friend and I have explored with his abdl side and me as his caregiver. He needs me to constantly be reassuring to him and to help keep him in baby headspace. He battles with his adult ego with this, so your post makes sense to me. Just try and be as open and communicative as you can be. Tell her what you want and need from her. The fact that she is accepting of it says a lot.
That sounds quite nice! For me it seems to be hard to just let go and be relaxed with having the constant need for affirmation. Communication is definitely the key with this as with anything in relationship. Telling what I want or need has also been very hard for me and kind of makes me feel like I'm too needy or demanding when in reality it's quite essential.
 
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CuteKitten

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blaincorrous said:
I agree with the comments that your girlfriend can help you build confidence. Why don’t you ask her if she has any boundaries around this you should respect? It’s preferable to being worried you’re about to run afoul of them without knowing.

I think open communication with our partners is a great way to take the teeth out of our insecurities.
It's definitely important to talk about boundaries as is with anything. It helps to assure that everything is well when you are aware of any specific things that would be too much. Open communication is the key in anything in my opinion, no matter how difficult it feels. It has so far already eased the insecurity quite a bit
 

LilPaddedBunny

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CuteKitten said:
Thanks for the reply, definitely helps a lot! 😊

Growing up with my father has had quite a big negative impact on my already not so great mental health. I was also bullied at school which he did basically nothing to help and more just added to it. Luckily my mother was and still is very caring, growing up I just got to spend very little time with her due to them being divorced.

The way you started sounds a lot like how I did. I just somehow felt very curious to try and wear diapers sometime after my younger sister had born. I was never that great in hiding things and it must have been somewhat weird for my parents to find some in my room. It took me years to find out that I was not the only one and that it probably wasn't going to go away even if I stopped wearing, it would just make me unhappy. From that I started finding some acceptance, also after splitting up with my ex I suddenly had much more time and money to start exploring. I'm sure that she wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret, as much as I would have liked to tell the trust just wasn't there.

Having someone that close share this side of me has helped a lot. We had only dated couple of months before I told, but I felt that I could trust her. The subject of kinks was already brought up, and it felt like the right moment to tell. I do know that she truly means what she says, but I still get the feeling that I'm just too much trouble to deal with. Really it doesn't make any sense, by this point I'm sure that she wouldn't be around if it wasn't okay. By now I have cut basically all contact with my father, I decided that it would be best at least at this point.

Luckily I got mostly rid of purging when I started to get more into this, by this point I'm already slightly too invested financially to get rid of everything. I still get the feeling sometimes, but I'm either able to completely resist it or then just as you said store everything out of sight for a while. I'm anyway limiting my little time mostly to the weekends and holidays, although some elements of it stay behind even when I'm not fully in the space.
I'm glad I could be of some help! Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you just because someone else doesn't understand you. That's on them. They need to work on being more open minded. I discovered a term on here that I now use to describe "normal" people. I call them vanilla. "normal" implies that I'm "abnormal". "Vanilla" implies that they are plain and boring compared to me :)! Your girlfriend seems really accepting, maybe she likes the fact that you're different and not "just like everybody else" :)!
 
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CuteKitten

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LilPaddedBunny said:
I'm glad I could be of some help! Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you just because someone else doesn't understand you. That's on them. They need to work on being more open minded. I discovered a term on here that I now use to describe "normal" people. I call them vanilla. "normal" implies that I'm "abnormal". "Vanilla" implies that they are plain and boring compared to me :)! Your girlfriend seems really accepting, maybe she likes the fact that you're different and not "just like everybody else" :)!
Thanks for your kind words! 🙂
That thought has helped with acceptance. In reality I'm the only person that should care about how I spend my time and what I want to wear as long as it doesn't cause harm to anyone. I also very much prefer vanilla over normal as a term, on best days I'm honestly liking the idea of being something else 🙂 Still, it will take some time and work to make being different feel more like being special in a good way, although she might already see it that way 🙂
 
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LilPaddedBunny

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CuteKitten said:
Thanks for your kind words! 🙂
That thought has helped with acceptance. In reality I'm the only person that should care about how I spend my time and what I want to wear as long as it doesn't cause harm to anyone. I also very much prefer vanilla over normal as a term, on best days I'm honestly liking the idea of being something else 🙂 Still, it will take some time and work to make being different feel more like being special in a good way, although she might already see it that way 🙂
It sounds like she probably sees it that way already! Best of luck to you on your journey of self discovery :). Try to have lots of fun while you're at it!
 
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