so tired of d-brief

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bfp2

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How can depend briefs even be considered as an option. I haven't been using regularly long but I am so sick of these things letting me down. Anything other than a drop and my clothes are wet. Yeah sure if I wanted to wear a diaper just to say I've got one on fine.

I understand they can't be flooded. I'm just talking about a trickle here and there...the next thing you know, I'm making a lame excuse like....oh I must have set in something.

Is there a low profile diaper I can use...that doesn't give me diaper butt that can take at least some light wetting. Arrrrrg!!

I have to hide this. I am so ashamed and frustrated. I know it sounds like I'm incontinent....I'm not. I *need* to wear and use.....without the down side of getting caught. I have to be who i am inside.

This has been going on for years for me. I have to be a baby.....it is who I am. But I have a job a wife a kid....I'm getting old. Why am I here even, why am I broken?

I have to stay hidden, or my world will unwind. I can never be who I really am. Don't be alarmed by my next statement because I never could do this.....but sometimes I wish I would just die and move on.

Why did this have to happen to me? I hurt. I'm ugly...I'm fat...I'm the wrong gender...I hate my job....I'm old, but inside I am a baby girl. And that is the first time I've ever said that even to myself.
 

polarbear12

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My suggestion would be Abena M3 or L3 depending on your size. Go with the cloth backed as they are nearly silent. They can handle two large wettings without leaking a drop. They are very thin to start they do swell with usage of course. The padding is situated right down the middle so they are great for sitting or standing . Give them a try you wont be disappointed.
 

Trevor

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PyjamaBaby

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I've not tried Abena M3 yet, but I use Abena M2 (or L2 if I was larger) during the day and they can also take at least 2 soakings and are very discreet. Nobody notices if I wear them.

I hope you feel better bfp2. If you find a diaper that works I am sure you can be more at ease with yourself. There is no need to be ashamed or frustrated, needing to wear is natural and just a part of you. There are many of us here with wives and kids.

Have you ever read "There's a baby in my bed"? It is meant for SO's, but really can help AB's come to terms with themselves as well. You can buy it on Amazon.

Have you spoken to your wife about this? I'm not saying that you should if you haven't, but it can help (if they accept you for who you are). Mine did and it made me suddenly feel that I wasn't a freak and actually I am as normal as the next person. Everybody has their quirks, ours are just a bit different. They don't hurt anybody though.

All the best and PM me if you need any advice..
 

Tyger

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I know the feeling, i only wear depends briefs if i want to wear something cheap, crinkly, and i'm not worried about a leak. If you still want to wear something that doesn't cost much, and you don't have to order online, get some certainties, you can find them at walgreens, or their alternate name that i can't think of right now. Certainties are a cloth outer cover, so you can re-apply the tapes, they also are able to stay pretty snug. They hold about as much as a depends, but i like to put a baby diaper inside to use as a booster. You can get certainties for about 18$ for 40. Its a pretty cheap route to go.
 

ShAd0w10

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I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, man. I'm fairly certain most of us have felt that way from time to time. Most of us just can't be who we are because of work/family/friends/money issues whatever the reasons may be. If you're feeling down and don't know who to talk to, you can message anyone on here, that's what we're here for, to help other in need, you're among friends here. :)

If you do get an Abena m/l (whatever your size is) 2 or 3, Although they are an excellent diaper, just keep in mind that they do have an odor control issue.
I get mine here: XP Medical - Abena Abri-Form Premium Breathable Adult Diapers

Depends with tabs (plastic backed) aren't that bad compared to all the other products they make, though I do suggest a stuffer with them to absorb more as they still don't absorb more than 1 to 2 wettings.

I also really recommend these: Medline FitRight Super Adult Disposable Briefs by MEDLINE INDUSTRIES | Health Products For You
They're very cheap, comfortable, of pretty good quality and they're far better than Depends, in my opinion. With the price, it's hard to find a better deal.
 

awife

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I have to be a baby.....it is who I am. But I have a job a wife a kid....I'm getting old. Why am I here even, why am I broken?

I have to stay hidden, or my world will unwind. I can never be who I really am.


Dear BFP2
Please know you are not alone in feeling like this..... you are also not broken. The fact that you are here shows you are strong enough to want to find out more and to accept yourself for who you truly are.
You are a strong person even just to be on this site, trying to be who you are.

Why did this have to happen to me? I hurt. I'm ugly...I'm fat...I'm the wrong gender...I hate my job....I'm old, but inside I am a baby girl. And that is the first time I've ever said that even to myself.

This hasn't 'happened' to you..... it is just who you are. The fact that you have a job, a wife and a child proves you are more than broken - you are stronger than you might believe. It might take time to accept yourself, many people go though life with self doubt and worry but come out the other side stronger than ever.
The baby girl inside you might need some TLC at the moment - find the time for her whenever you can. This is difficult when you have responsibilities but also a huge part of you life.
Thank you for sharing with us here - I hope you can find the time to enjoy who you really are both by accepting the baby girl within you and the adult that you are.
 

giantguy99

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How can depend briefs even be considered as an option. I haven't been using regularly long but I am so sick of these things letting me down. Anything other than a drop and my clothes are wet. Yeah sure if I wanted to wear a diaper just to say I've got one on fine.

I understand they can't be flooded. I'm just talking about a trickle here and there...the next thing you know, I'm making a lame excuse like....oh I must have set in something.

Is there a low profile diaper I can use...that doesn't give me diaper butt that can take at least some light wetting. Arrrrrg!!

I have to hide this. I am so ashamed and frustrated. I know it sounds like I'm incontinent....I'm not. I *need* to wear and use.....without the down side of getting caught. I have to be who i am inside.

This has been going on for years for me. I have to be a baby.....it is who I am. But I have a job a wife a kid....I'm getting old. Why am I here even, why am I broken?

I have to stay hidden, or my world will unwind. I can never be who I really am. Don't be alarmed by my next statement because I never could do this.....but sometimes I wish I would just die and move on.

Why did this have to happen to me? I hurt. I'm ugly...I'm fat...I'm the wrong gender...I hate my job....I'm old, but inside I am a baby girl. And that is the first time I've ever said that even to myself.


Congratulations for accepting yourself bfp2! You have just made the first step to being happy just the way you are. To be honest with those around oneself, that individual needs to first be honest with themselves. You are a human being and should at the very least respect that part of yourself. I can take a guess why you asked the question "why am I broken?" Society teaches us to hurt one another but is that really the best way for us to go? We are more then just pieces of meat trying to get our genes into the next generation are we not? Of course we are and it is that aspect of ourselves that should be respected by at least ourselves if no one else. It's alright to want to feel like a little girl on the inside while physically being a male. Because of societal ills we are all being damaged and because of that there is misery in the world.

Now I have no doubt that at some point someone is going to say something that will offend you but never let that be an excuse to not be who and what you are! :) Learn to control that frustration and help yourself be a better person because you deserve it. We are a support community but even we have our differences and that is because we need to be honest with each other sometimes and the truth can be a unpleasant thing sometimes. Fortunately I rather enjoy healthy conversations like this and this is not one of those unpleasant moments of self revelation! :) Welcome to ADISC bfp2 I hope all of us can help each other learn more so we can support each other even better in the future! :hug:
 

pd8615

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Being an a/b isn't something most of us chose anymore than our skin or eye colour. There is nothing wrong with being an a/b.

Hiding something that is an important part of oneself leads to feelings of shame. The a/b needs themselves do not.

I am fine with being an a/b. Have told my only sibling and every person I have been involved with. Have had various degrees of participation but that's fine. As long as I can be who I am, participation is a bonus. Never had a bad response telling others. This is in part reflective of who I choose to spend time with. It is also likely how I present it as a positive thing that I am comfortable with.

Self acceptance does not have to mean we tell everybody and do whatever we might think about privately. Self acceptance can come from sharing with other a/b's. It can come from sharing little parts of ourselves with those we trust. For some it means sharing online.

Things like loosing weight take place by many small steps. I used to be obese and lost a large amount of weight through more exercise and better food choices. Now my weight is creeping back up as I am no longer running and getting sloppy with my eating.

Trashing myself for this is not helpful. Making better choices is helpful. Being aware of why I want things to be different is helpful.

40 might not be young but it isn't old either. My parents are both alive and have great lives in their 70's.

As someone who have had a/b interests all my life, I grew up ashamed of it simply as I didn't know of anyone else who did such things. Thanks to DPF, usenet groups and later the internet, I have slowly become accepting of this part of myself.

There are lots of us out there. Many places to get support and meet others. I hope you can work towards coming to peace with your a/b side.
 

dogboy

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You've got some good advise on the diapers bpf2, and on how to live this lifestyle. I too have read, "There's A Baby In My Bed" and it's a very good book. There's quite a bit of information on those who are biologically male, but when regressing, identify with being a little girl.

I know about depression as I went through a lot of it when my wife's health crashed. After working two jobs, I'd get home and help put her on a dialysis machine, as she does home dialysis. I found that by getting less than six hours of sleep, it was contributing not only to my depression, but suicidal thoughts.

I think you would benefit from some sort of regiment of exercise. I bought a good quality bike, and during the warm and hot weather, went out biking on our bike trail. I also walk and try to do some other exercises. It really helps how I feel mentally.

At 42 you are not old, at least not by my standards, as I'm 66. Honestly, I don't feel that old. There are so many things I do. Six years ago I started writing a novel, and now I'm one final edit away from publishing. Examine your life and discover what would make you happy. There are small, cheaper, simpler things that can bring us some joy or at least, comfort.

I don't know your wife, but six years ago, my wife discovered my diaper online order and I had to tell her about something I kept hidden most of our marriage. She was very accepting and supports me all the way. I wear diapers to bed every night, and in the morning, I watch children's shows. Who knows whats possible unless your ask. It can be done in very small increments, just a hint here and there. I wish you well. Hang in there.
 

foxkits

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How can depend briefs even be considered as an option. I haven't been using regularly long but I am so sick of these things letting me down. Anything other than a drop and my clothes are wet. Yeah sure if I wanted to wear a diaper just to say I've got one on fine.

I understand they can't be flooded. I'm just talking about a trickle here and there...the next thing you know, I'm making a lame excuse like....oh I must have set in something.

Is there a low profile diaper I can use...that doesn't give me diaper butt that can take at least some light wetting. Arrrrrg!!

I have to hide this. I am so ashamed and frustrated. I know it sounds like I'm incontinent....I'm not. I *need* to wear and use.....without the down side of getting caught. I have to be who i am inside.

This has been going on for years for me. I have to be a baby.....it is who I am. But I have a job a wife a kid....I'm getting old. Why am I here even, why am I broken?

I have to stay hidden, or my world will unwind. I can never be who I really am. Don't be alarmed by my next statement because I never could do this.....but sometimes I wish I would just die and move on.

Why did this have to happen to me? I hurt. I'm ugly...I'm fat...I'm the wrong gender...I hate my job....I'm old, but inside I am a baby girl. And that is the first time I've ever said that even to myself.
You think we are broken no you are not eather.
I went for years trying to give it up once 3 years with out felt dead in side I'm me god knows I was this way before I was born so Im ok or I would not be here. We make our own stress .
Look on your self with kindness ok .
We are a like all of us some are a little deferent your among persons who have felt the same way.
We are here to help with support .
Welcome to the group .
 

bfp2

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Thank you, to everyone. It means a lot that I can say what I said and on some level be accepted. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to communicate with me.
 
S

Starrunner

Guest
Hello, bfp2
I see you're a very recent member to adisc, so first of all, welcome to the family. You'll find people here with issues that are very similar to the ones you have identified. You are not alone.

From what I've read in your post, finding the right diaper is only one of a multitude of problems. We all know the loneliness of hiding our true selves because we feel no one understands us.

We are a support group, first and foremost, and I'm hoping you may want to give us some more information on your situation so that we may help you better. It sounds like you're suffering from severe depression based on a number of presenting problems. I'm glad to hear you say you're not thinking of ending your life, but I believe that just qualifying a statement with that kind of disclaimer is a sign that things have gotten pretty bad.

The most prevalent problems identified appear to be:
depression
aging
hiding your abdl side from others
identifying as transgender possibly
unhappy with your employment
self esteem issues over appearance

That's a lot to be coping with, especially when you're going through it alone. Some of these issues were touched upon more than others in your post.. How would you prioritize the ones that are affecting you the most right now?

Does your wife know about any of this? Are you afraid she won't be supportive? How long have you been married and is the relationship stable. Is there a likelihood of talking to her about any of these problems? If not, is counselling an option for some of these issues?

You mentioned very briefly about being the wrong sex and I'm curious as to when you discovered that. That in itself is a huge challenge to deal with. There are a number of transgender people in adisc and I'm sure they will be able to give you some good advice and shared experiences in the days ahead. For myself, I'm a diaper lover who happens to be gay, so I know how much harder it can be when you feel that you've been hit with a 'double whammy.' I am also of the older generation, and believe me, this will work out for you, and I believe you will have many great years ahead of you if you deal with the problems facing you right now.

I hope to hear more from you and get to know you better. Reaching out is a big step and I'm glad you've taken it. I'm confident you'll find a lot of your answers here.
 

Tyger

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Thank you, to everyone. It means a lot that I can say what I said and on some level be accepted. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to communicate with me.

I hope you know that you are very accepted here. I re-read your first post because the first time i responded i only skimmed through the first part, so i didn't notice that you are going through a tough time right now. It has taken me a lot of work to accept myself and get out of the phase of wishing i was just dead, I and a lot of members here don't know exactly what you are going through, but we know what it is like. Just remember that you really are not broken, society is broken. Society wants everyone to be like other famous people, they want us to have glamour or style, have lots of money, and spend lots of money on things we don't need to solve our problems.

Much of society doesn't think that people should be expressing their inner self to gain self relief, they think that those who express their inner self are misfits, shameful, confused, embarrassing, unintelligent, and a whole slew of other things. They might promote self expression, but they only like it if its done on canvas, or in song, and it fits in with other popular views. The portion of society that understands that people can be Adult babies, gay, cross gender, furry, SNM, and lots of other things, they are thought of as the misfits, that is changing for gays, but it still stands true.

Here in adsic, we are still trying to recover from society and accept ourselves, and our 'weird' friends we make here. The truth is though, no matter how weird we all may be, that only makes us more unique and special as a person.

I hope you can keep in perspective, you liking diapers does not make you a bad person, it just makes you stand out from society. Society is not the moral compass of the universe, and has broken perspectives. You are in a battle with ignorance, not with your fetish or life style. I hope you can learn to love your unique self. Good luck, it isn't easy.
 

Poohbearboy

12 months
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I actual never had a problem with leaks from depend before and I use them when I run out of my normal one. What work fine for me as emergency diaper also I use them for over night to since wear 24/7.
 

bfp2

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Poohbearboy - I may have used the wrong name for what I got. These depend are cloth backed and are pull-on...or you can tear the side and velcro tape. I can't imagine we are talking about the same thing as these have repeatedly leaked on me (I am careful to make sure they fit and I use the tapes). I liked them because after some time I felt I could hide the fact I was wearing one. They are thin for what they are, but to someone not used to wearing in public...it felt like I had a giant diaper on with neon lights on my rear.

I have the walgreens brand right now as well...but that is a bit tougher to hide....though I have worn it under jeans in public. That one actually protects me well...it's just tough to hide, especially wet. I know folks say, people don't look at your rear-end and they don't know how big your bottom is naturally....but people that know you do.

Thanks again everyone for being so kind. Starrunner, I would like to give you my history but not sure if this is the best place...maybe I'll make a different thread??

- - - Updated - - -

Hi Starrunner-
I'll just try to answer some of your questions here since this is where you asked.

Issues I'm dealing with:
Job/depression
I am very depressed. I feel like my life consists of going to work, coming home and spending a brief time with my family and then back to work. I have a good job and benefits but the work I do requires me to be responsive around the clock. I'm not going to go into it too much except to say I'm in Information Technology. At the end of the day, no matter what I've done I feel unfulfilled by the work. I don't want another job like this one.....I want to do something different.

My beginning as a baby. I have felt the way I feel for as long as I can remember...I think at least 5. I wet the bed as a kid and my parents threatened to put me back in diapers. One day after a soaked morning, they did just that. I was then sent out with my father to get a haircut. The thick cloth diaper and loud crinkle was noticed by everyone. The barber asked my dad about my puffy pants and he told the story of why I was like that to a shop full of patrons, while I was seated on the raised board of the barber chair they used for kids in the middle of the shop. Now I am sure...today....that no one really even cared, but I didn't know that at 5. After some time I found myself sneaking back to that bottom drawer where all the diapers and rubber pants were...and I would put them on. I have no idea why I did it, it just felt right even though I was sooo ashamed at the barbershop. One day my mom and sister came in the room while I was hiding under the bed in diapers, they saw me and pulled me out. I don't remember what happened but the bottom drawer was cleaned out...never to return.

Another girl in the house: Ok, so the diapers are gone and what else could there be....hmmmm. Well I had a sister two years older than me and when we were young we shared the same room for a while...and without anyone knowing....the same clothes. Yep, at the elderly age of 5 I began to put on my sisters underwear. After the trama with the loss of the baby things, I was very careful about not getting caught. It was a thrill and it felt right....not as strong a feeling as the diapers, but there was something there. I became a clothes hamper bandit and that continued even through my teens. I especially liked the feel of my sisters one piece swimsuit...I could not figure out why it was my favorite item of hers. Then one day as I was making a homemade diaper out of a towel it hit me....it felt like a onesie to me. It wrapped me up tight and elevated the baby feelings I had.

I have always felt like a baby...but for some reason it's a baby girl...not a boy. Maybe it was the panties at 5 or my sisters toys and stuffed animals. I wanted to be what I wasn't. From 5 to 24 or so, I thought I was the only one like this. I found a place on a BB (what we had before internet) where people talked about this. I don't know if they said AB or DL or even if those things existed then, but I now knew others were like me.

I was in the military. The Peoples drugstore..now CVS, sold green color plastic back depends in giant red and white bags back then. I had to have them even then with the chance of my room getting searched on a regular basis (had a couple close calls with that). I purged my pacifiers and diaper stashes over and over and over through the years. I forgot all about girl clothes....until, I met my girlfriend/now wife.

My wife means everything to me, I don't want to lose her. She knows about the diapers because I told her years ago. It almost broke us up. She chooses to pretend it never happened but she suspects it still goes on because she will out of the blue say things (that's rare but it has happens). I think she also knows some of here silky things are missing and she has used the term sissy around me...that was a shock.

I have the body I have...I can't by magic turn it into something else. There isn't enough estrogen in the world that would do that for me. And at my age I wouldn't be who I am inside (a babygirl), I'd at best be a sad middle aged woman with fake parts. (no offense to anyone going this route)

When did I identify myself as a girl? I have no idea...I never would admit it, as I put on the clothes and the makeup and shoes. I kept telling myself it was just a game. The "P" in BFP2 equates to princess.

Now take all that mess up there and spread it out over forty years....and that's me. I have no idea what happened to the time....but if I could do it all over, I'd do it as a princess. I've got no idea why I'm this way....but here I am.
 

ShAd0w10

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I may have used the wrong name for what I got. These depend are cloth backed and are pull-on...or you can tear the side and velcro tape. I can't imagine we are talking about the same thing as these have repeatedly leaked on me (I am careful to make sure they fit and I use the tapes).
Oh, you got the fitted briefs, they're awful. Try getting "maximum protection with tabs" if you get anything by Depend, everything else is terrible and leak almost all the time. The ones I'm talking about are these: Incontinence Products & Supplies for Incontinent Men | Depend® Brand

Issues I'm dealing with:
Job/depression
I am very depressed. I feel like my life consists of going to work, coming home and spending a brief time with my family and then back to work. I have a good job and benefits but the work I do requires me to be responsive around the clock. I'm not going to go into it too much except to say I'm in Information Technology. At the end of the day, no matter what I've done I feel unfulfilled by the work. I don't want another job like this one.....I want to do something different.
Having a boring/monotonous/stressful job can be quite depressing over time for some people. Actually for anything in life it can be. It's always nice to do something different every now and then, it really makes life a little less boring and dull. Try doing something you like you haven't done in awhile, try doing something you never tried before yet always wanted to do, just do something out of the ordinary for you. I wouldn't say quit your job if it pays well or gives you good benefits, but if you really hate your job, I would start looking for another one that would make you more happy.
 

Babica

Owner: Babica Products Ltd.
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Hey you have to stuff Depends for them to work... I use two pampers inside them, and they dont leak for me... I would prefer M4's but they are out of my price range. I hear ya on the shame, but congrats on coming here, thats a start. I love that you said you ARE a baby girl, you are getting closer to understanding. I think we all are.
 

ShAd0w10

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Hey you have to stuff Depends for them to work... I use two pampers inside them, and they dont leak for me...
Yes, stuffers are indeed recommended with them. That greatly reduces leaks right there.
 
S

Starrunner

Guest
You certainly got off to a rough start in life, with your parents carrying out the threat to put you back in diapers ay the age of five, and then forcing you to go out in public like that... well it was just a cruel thing to do to a five year old, and by today's standards it would be considered abusive behaviour. The same thing happened to me at the age of six when my father forced my mother to put a diaper on me in front of the entire family for bedwetting. My father never loved me anyways so it was just one more form of his torture and neglect for me. Like you, I was drawn back to diapers shortly afterwards. It completely ruined my life and made it difficult for me to form relationships. I still suffer from it, often feeling lonely and fighting negative perceptions of myself.

I have learned through time that this desire is not my fault, it is only one part of who I am as person and it does not define. I place it in the context of who I am and what I have accomplished in my life in spite of the setbacks. You are fortunate to have a wife who means so much to you. That's a positive, but it sounds like it didn't go well when it was previously discussed. I can see the problem this would cause when you cannot share your most intimate feelings and desires with someone so close to you. If you can't talk to her about these things, would you consider getting some form of counselling to deal with all this? You mentioned having a job that pays well with good benefits, I'm wondering if the benefits could include financial assistance to cover the costs of counselling to deal with some of these matters, possibly even employment retraining advice and support. As much as it surprises us, there are a number of good therapists who probably wouldn't bat an eye over some of our problems. Just consider this option. You're dealing with so much on your own right now, and keeping everything hidden is not a healthy way to live. You need to address that and then make some decisions. This group can and will support you in that process but I would really encourage getting some professional help at this point.

I also get the feeling that ageing is an overriding concern for you. You are not alone in that respect. First of all, the reality is that you're not that old!!!! Society often makes us feel that way since it caters to the young but you are a vital, worthwhile human being. You have a good job, wife, and kid, and you are a survivor for living through everything that's been thrown at you. It's normal to look back on our lives and wonder how we could have done things differently, and we all have our regrets, but my opinion is that you have accomplished a lot in spite of enormous obstacles. It sounds like you want to do more, so now would be a good time to identify where you want to be in the future, who can help you get there, and what resources may be available.

I feel the pain you're going through. I'm glad you joined adisc to get some support, (and hopefully have some fun here as well). Think of it as the first step in journey of self discovery. You are a unique, sensitive individual with a lot to contribute here. We're glad to have you.
 
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