Sexual relations with incontinence

Ellyn

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I wasn’t sure if I should post my thoughts on this subject line here or in the Sexuality section, being that it involves both, but I thought it may be better received here.
First and foremost, this is an adult issue that most of us here have already explored but I wanted to take a 10,000 foot view regarded what I’ve learned over the years and what works for us. This is very personal (for me) so please be respectful.

I’m very urinary incontinent now but 15-20 years ago, I had much more control. It was like turning on and off a very worn faucet that drips constantly. Point is that I used the toilet quite effectively for a great deal of my urinary needs back then but always needed more than a just a pad for absorption over a period of a few hours, though a single cloth diaper was usually more than adequate, but even then I utilized double diapers a lot for comfort outside. There were however periods of time that were much worse but then would cycle back to minimal leakage again. That was also before the effects of MS.

My husband and I have two teenage sons, one starting college next year(!!), so obviously we worked around my incontinence. We would use an underpad at the time, sometimes with a towel on top of it. I was generally on the bottom, though not always.
Yes, it was messy but we both found great pleasure with our closeness.

Fast forward to today, my incontinence has progressed to what’s best described as a constant leak with urinary retention that relieves pressure quite suddenly in the form of a gush. This gushing occurs day and night which makes many forms of ‘protection’ inadequate in that it must contain a larger volume of wetness very quickly, else leak past the diaper. That generally excludes the use of pads, pull-ups without leak guards, and cheaper diapers. Anything other than cloth diapers or quality disposables with high leak guards are accident prone.
With that said, when my husband and I choose to be intimate, it remains a planned procedure…. Nothing spontaneous :(
First, I try to utilize the toilet, though my ability to ‘go’ on demand has come and gone for the most part other than for bowel needs in. We use a large underpad and large towel folded somewhat smaller than the underpad. I use plastic pants with snaps for ease of removal. On a very positive side, we both enjoy a lot of time together in bed prior to the actual encounter (foreplay), but when the time is right, my husband will undo everything, pull the front of the diaper down and fold the diaper over for added thickness in case of a gush.
When we’re finished, there’s a damp hand towel close by for both of us to clean up, after which my husband will expertly re-pin the diaper and re-snap the pants. He then rolls up the underpad with towels within and set it aside. We can then enjoy snuggling for awhile before falling off. We mix things up quite often to keep things exciting and fresh but the above process is usually followed to keep our bed and ourselves clean and dry.
I used a catheter for awhile but as you might imagine, that was miserable and didn’t take long for me to say forget this!
 
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Interesting how you've adjusted. I'm IC too though I experience BM accident, usually while sleeping. To be honest, I didn't have a lot of sexual experience. Recently (about 5 months) I started having a new girlfriend. Long story but she does know of my medical issues. For some reason she doesn't freak out when I told her (actually she mentioned first and I had to admit it). We didn't sleep together for a few months. It was a slow process.
Probably because I was afraid of having her see me while diapered.

When we finally slept together I was worried that I would have a BM accident after I went back to sleep. I've been using chlorophyll for years and she has even said she didn't smell anything weird (I'm sure she knows and is just being kind). Most of the time I go to the bathroom and take off my diaper (quality diaper [confidry24/7], booster and plastic pants). Then we jump into bed (with a large bed pad). Once I have an erection I never leak or wet but onetime I actually had a a BM accident during orgasm. Holy shit. It was so rare. Had never happened before while having sex. Anyway I just jumped up and ran for the bathroom. Yeah, pretty embarrassing.

I think we both have become good of handling my IC. In the beginning I was extremely anxious. I'd never let her see my diaper. I'd just go to the bathroom, put on my diaper and pull on a loose shorts. Eventually she said she wanted to see them. One night getting into bed she pulled off my shorts, freaking me out. She didn't laugh (okay, maybe a little giggling) and said I was cute. Yeah, she's a little crazy. Let me just say, I'd never consider having sex with a woman. I had very little experience (like twice before - that I'd rather not remember). I think it was her that thawed the ice.

With out a doubt, having sex with an intimate partner is somewhat complicated for IC people. But I have to say it's a bunch of fun.
 
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TBH I always thought no girl would get intimate with me unless they had a diaper kink
 
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Ellyn said:
Fast forward to today, my incontinence has progressed to what’s best described as a constant leak with urinary retention that relieves pressure quite suddenly in the form of a gush. [...]
I used a catheter for awhile but as you might imagine, that was miserable and didn’t take long for me to say forget this!
Ellyn, did you try ISC as well or just a Foley catheter? Doing intermittent catheterization before the "appointment" could help prevent the ""gush" for some time. Just a thought.

Look for "Infyna Chic" from Hollister for example.
 
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In general, for sure IC doesn't have to exclude intimacy. My own experience is of course different, my (only bladder) IC started about one year ago, I'm married since 37 years, now 62 years old - so we had already a long term, satisfying regular sex life. Now, both being 60+ and long term married, sex live doesn't have any more the importance and weight as it might have had in the past, other things like common interests, common activities, same taste in what we like or dislike, reliability against each other, all the things we got through together in our lives let grow our relationship stronger than only sexual activities ever could do. But of course intimacy has not gone away completely. Cuddling, touching each other, kisses, all those things and more still happen - and luckily my diapers don't prevent my wife to touch me wherever she wants and wherever I like it...
 
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hbic60 said:
In general, for sure IC doesn't have to exclude intimacy. My own experience is of course different, my (only bladder) IC started about one year ago, I'm married since 37 years, now 62 years old - so we had already a long term, satisfying regular sex life. Now, both being 60+ and long term married, sex live doesn't have any more the importance and weight as it might have had in the past, other things like common interests, common activities, same taste in what we like or dislike, reliability against each other, all the things we got through together in our lives let grow our relationship stronger than only sexual activities ever could do. But of course intimacy has not gone away completely. Cuddling, touching each other, kisses, all those things and more still happen - and luckily my diapers don't prevent my wife to touch me wherever she wants and wherever I like it...
That's true for a lot of people in their 50s and older. Ellyn's in her 40s. Younger people who are married or in relationships and have these problems, make do.

I recall reading about women in Ireland who were subjected to symphysiotomy, a procedure to open the pelvic bone to make childbirth easier and avoid the need for Caesarians (this was common in Ireland in the 'priest-ridden' era) and this often left them incontinent (and with other physical disabilities), and some of them had several more children afterwards. True, duty may have played a part sometimes, but they were often young couples, in love, wanting to do what couples do.
 
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Pino said:
Ellyn, did you try ISC as well or just a Foley catheter? Doing intermittent catheterization before the "appointment" could help prevent the ""gush" for some time. Just a thought.

Look for "Infyna Chic" from Hollister for example.
I did the foley only. That was an awful experience and I will only try catheters again if absolutely necessary.
 
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Ellyn said:
I did the foley only. That was an awful experience and I will only try catheters again if absolutely necessary.
ISC is different, really, much easier and really fast, but O.K.
 
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Pino said:
ISC is different, really, much easier and really fast, but O.K.
Thank you for that information. I’m going to try to avoid it even if I need to take meds for it. I don’t get many UTIs though, which for me is usually retention driven. I won’t do foley again.
 
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This is a great topic that isnt talked about much and i feel its deffo worth putting my 10 pence in.

Both me and my gf are incontinent and wear nappies. I am only urine incontinent but my gf is both urine and bowel incontinent. We have a great sex life but it does sometimes take a little planning. My gf is allot like Ellyn, she will dribble and spurt pee constantly so when the nappies come off, it is uaually a pretty wet affair. We have disposable pads that we lay down, but we also have a plastic bottom sheet for any leaks in the night so the bed is well protected from any pee stains.

We will generally have sex over the open nappy she is wearing so that helps catch her leaks too, although sometimes i will remove it depending on how wet she is as she gets paranoid about the smell. Sometimes the smell is pretty strong down there but i think she has become a little nose blind too it so do try to gloss over it and not make her aware that her privates have an odour as i dont want to upset her. She has never commented on any smells from my private area either but again, i think she has nose blindness. It does make me wonder what its like for other incontinent women and if they are unaware of their pee smell.

She generally wont want sex if she thinks she will mess though so sometimes, if she has been clean all day then she will put it off as she is very uncomfortable at the thought of having an accident when she is climaxing and i fully understand that and wont ever push her.

As for me, i dont pee much when im hard but it has been known for me to leak fair amounts during intercourse. My gf is always very supportive and has never made me feel bad for peeing inside of her when it does happen. We are also very aware of when i go a tad soft because as soon as that happens, the flood gates open and it can be a fairly large leakage so we dont dither when were done.

As soon as we finish, we get up and get into a nappy so we dont make anymore mess then roll up the disposable pad and cuddle and enjoy eachothers company. We are very much in love and although we are both incontinent, we have a great sex life. Incontinence shouldnt stop you from enjoying a healthy sex life. If you plan a little and you both accept the wetness, you can enjoy the moment and be happy in eachothers arms without it being a drama.
 
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Soggy247 said:
This is a great topic that isnt talked about much and i feel its deffo worth putting my 10 pence in.

Both me and my gf are incontinent and wear nappies. I am only urine incontinent but my gf is both urine and bowel incontinent. We have a great sex life but it does sometimes take a little planning. My gf is allot like Ellyn, she will dribble and spurt pee constantly so when the nappies come off, it is uaually a pretty wet affair. We have disposable pads that we lay down, but we also have a plastic bottom sheet for any leaks in the night so the bed is well protected from any pee stains.

We will generally have sex over the open nappy she is wearing so that helps catch her leaks too, although sometimes i will remove it depending on how wet she is as she gets paranoid about the smell. Sometimes the smell is pretty strong down there but i think she has become a little nose blind too it so do try to gloss over it and not make her aware that her privates have an odour as i dont want to upset her. She has never commented on any smells from my private area either but again, i think she has nose blindness. It does make me wonder what its like for other incontinent women and if they are unaware of their pee smell.

She generally wont want sex if she thinks she will mess though so sometimes, if she has been clean all day then she will put it off as she is very uncomfortable at the thought of having an accident when she is climaxing and i fully understand that and wont ever push her.

As for me, i dont pee much when im hard but it has been known for me to leak fair amounts during intercourse. My gf is always very supportive and has never made me feel bad for peeing inside of her when it does happen. We are also very aware of when i go a tad soft because as soon as that happens, the flood gates open and it can be a fairly large leakage so we dont dither when were done.

As soon as we finish, we get up and get into a nappy so we dont make anymore mess then roll up the disposable pad and cuddle and enjoy eachothers company. We are very much in love and although we are both incontinent, we have a great sex life. Incontinence shouldnt stop you from enjoying a healthy sex life. If you plan a little and you both accept the wetness, you can enjoy the moment and be happy in eachothers arms without it being a drama.
Thank you for your respectful openness. We all deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled.
 
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My pleasure Ellyn. I thought that seen as your so open, i would join you. And yes, we all deserve happines and fullfillment.
Ellyn said:
Thank you for your respectful openness. We all deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled.
 
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I have the greatest respect and admiration for all of you who have refused to let incontinence keep you from intimacy.
 
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Well over 45+ years of being 24/7, U-IC and with luck, I have very limited control, so have a time slot, if you will, has allowed for a scheduled relationship. Yes, we pre-pad the bed and yes, the large bath towels are wonderful. The goal is to schedule during my skin dry time. Yes, climax is wet, but her joy brings a comfort to me and has resulted in two wonderful adult children and now four amazing grandchildren.

My dear wife has been my rock and her encouragement had gotten me out and about early, while wearing cloth diapers and plastic pants, which has resulting in an amazing life with international business and pleasure travel. It is all possible and well worth the tiny bit of effort at stepping out that front door!

Thank-you!
 
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Pino said:
ISC is different, really, much easier and really fast, but O.K.
It's also an infection risk though. Anything being passed into the bladder is. Although it doesn't sit in the urethra all the time, it does have to be passed through it time and again (generally a new one each time, which would seem a waste if you're used to reusable diapers) and any of these occasions require perfect hygiene to avoid introducing germs. So they're really only the best solution if the problem is retention rather than incontinence.
 
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@Ellyn I'm a male and have been incontinent for nearly 30 years. I've had several UTIs during those 30 years. I've dealt with Foley's for surgical procedures; six weeks following radical prostatectomy, and several days for each hip replacement. Fortunately I did not get an infection when using a Foley. I have been doing intermittent self catheterization four times a day for seven or eight years now. I have never had a UTI during that time. Being properly trained and using a high quality pre-lubed catheter may make your intimate life more enjoyable. It might not. Talk to your urologist about it. Having MS and a history of retention, I'm surprised your doctor does not have you on a daily self catheterization program already.
 
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CheshireCat said:
@Ellyn I'm a male and have been incontinent for nearly 30 years. I've had several UTIs during those 30 years. I've dealt with Foley's for surgical procedures; six weeks following radical prostatectomy, and several days for each hip replacement. Fortunately I did not get an infection when using a Foley. I have been doing intermittent self catheterization four times a day for seven or eight years now. I have never had a UTI during that time. Being properly trained and using a high quality pre-lubed catheter may make your intimate life more enjoyable. It might not. Talk to your urologist about it. Having MS and a history of retention, I'm surprised your doctor does not have you on a daily self catheterization program already.
My doctor did recommend catheters during periods of severe retention, which honestly is seldom. Generally I leak all the time but for whatever reason some portion is retained and suddenly releases. My doctor does an ultrasound on every visit to check retention and hasn’t sent up flags lately. Several years ago he prescribed catheters to try. I tried twice and it was VERY UNPLEASANT. I don’t get UTIs more than 1 or maybe 2 times a year.and lots of cranberry juice and antibiotics seem to do the trick when I do. My mom suggested a bottle of beer occasionally, which seems to flush things out pretty well too.
 
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When i started doing ISC, it took about a week of 4-6 times a day for it to stop being uncomfortable. It took a couple of weeks before I stored feeling like I was all thumbs while doing it. Getting the right catheters helps - I like pvc rather than rubber because they have the right stiffness to let me push them in, and they're prelubricated so far less messy.

I've been doing it now for eight years, and I've had only one UTI during that time. That one was acquired when I was hospitalized for something else, though.

As @HumanFly mentions, ISC isn't something that would be useful for incontinence, only for retention. It's not all that uncommon to have both, though.
 
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I think that it is great that you found a solution that works for you and who know if might help someone out . I think it also gives insight on someone else manages IC while doing things.

I will say retention issues has to suck and not sure if it's fortunately or unfortunately but with my spinal cord injury I don't have retention issue so I don't have to cath though I do have them for emergencies or for labs(I have both straight & Foley's) but I also keep antibiotics because no matter how sterile it's done I get infections very easily and was big reason using diapers vs cath was chosen.

But I have kind of bigger issues like ED & pills don't work, though there is something that has better odds but let's just say I would have to be madly in love with someone b/c the med is an injection but even than I like you mentioned keeping extra padding, I unfortunately learned the hard way there was something else for guys that can happen when getting changed or i call the fountain effect. So even though I had ED I still feared when I first got hurt I would have a reaction to being changed(I use to work in healthcare and have heard stories from aids) well I had a reaction but it wasn't pitching a tent I had something happen many new parents of boys experience & to this day anytime I change in have a solution that works, but between an injection and the possiblity of uncontrollably wetting though I haven't given up totally in looking I am content with my life. Though there are plenty of couples that deal with some type of ic and your proof you can find happiness and be active. In my life though being single does suck at times but honestly at the moment I am happy though at times I don't feel single because I have a dog and he has basically taking all my possessions as his own what's mine is his and what his is his we even get invited to wedding where I am his plus 1 lol it's the life of a handler even like yesterday the only reason we got a table for brunch at the pub was because of my service dog lol though when I type I haven't had sexual relations in 11yrs it's kind of depressing but I rather be alive and breathing.

But I had a similar conversation with a female friend that's like a sister to me(I am blessed to have someone like her in my life) and she didn't know how she would manage of she was in my shoes and because we have messed up sense of humor I told her I had an idea that may work if she ever had IC(I am not kink shaming) but I saw a furry in a parade that had a diaper on but it had a hole for it's tail and was like though it might not be a tail it could work if you ever have IC than I was in trouble for saying she needed a doggy diaper is apparently what it's called my big mouth lack of a filter got me in trouble again ha and for her 40th birthday I was tempted to order her one but I decided I like living more but I did make her an adult diaper cake lol though jokingly it got me into trouble but I was impressed with my crafting skills.
 
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HumanFly said:
It's also an infection risk though. Anything being passed into the bladder is. Although it doesn't sit in the urethra all the time, it does have to be passed through it time and again (generally a new one each time, which would seem a waste if you're used to reusable diapers) and any of these occasions require perfect hygiene to avoid introducing germs. So they're really only the best solution if the problem is retention rather than incontinence.
But you can have both retention and incontinence and it sounds like that is the case. I almost always retain over 100cc but my bladder won't hold but about 250 most days so that really does not leave a big window for staying dry. I self cath CIC because if I don't I am really fast to grow a infection. So I try to clean out good once a day before bed. I actually well get far more infections if I do not do this. That said I do this before sex too and unless I am in marathon mode I usually am done before I get enough in me to start leaking. Plus a erection clamps down on the pee tube and that helps too. But I have peed in the wife more than once by a far shot. We always put down IC pads first anyway. But now in middle age my wife has stress incontinence and she will sometimes leak on me. Lol it is like who peed?...sometimes.🤣🤣
Ellyn said:
I wasn’t sure if I should post my thoughts on this subject line here or in the Sexuality section, being that it involves both, but I thought it may be better received here.
First and foremost, this is an adult issue that most of us here have already explored but I wanted to take a 10,000 foot view regarded what I’ve learned over the years and what works for us. This is very personal (for me) so please be respectful.

I’m very urinary incontinent now but 15-20 years ago, I had much more control. It was like turning on and off a very worn faucet that drips constantly. Point is that I used the toilet quite effectively for a great deal of my urinary needs back then but always needed more than a just a pad for absorption over a period of a few hours, though a single cloth diaper was usually more than adequate, but even then I utilized double diapers a lot for comfort outside. There were however periods of time that were much worse but then would cycle back to minimal leakage again. That was also before the effects of MS.
CIC (clean intermitting catherization is very easy and not painful and has a very low chance of infection if done right. I understand the frustration with a foley catheter as I have had more than my far share of those. They really kill the sex drive for a man. 🤣 Omg I have done that before in my younger day and it is really easy to hurt yourself as the tube rubs inside. Sorry if that is TMI but I feel like you can respect it is a real medical condition. I would be open to trying CIC but if you are not then I understand. I use to have a huge bladder years ago and I would retain as much as 300 to 400 cc. Once upon a time I could get as full as 1000cc or more. Truck driving wrecks bladder function too and I think that is why it got so large. Almost 3 times normal size at one time. My wiring from bladder to brain is just messed up and has been all my life. But as I started giving in to my diapers about 15years ago and not trying as hard to make it to a restroom and my bladder has shrunk down and now the walls are real thick and full of interstitial cystitis and it is below average size & it cause extremely painful urge incontinence. This was a great topic and I think you chose the right place to ask. Many folks wont talk about these things but it is a fact of life. I wish you nothing but the best.
 
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