Seeking advice from Non ABDLs

Outdoorlife

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Hi,

I’m curious if there are any folks out there who either are not ABDL or got into it because of their partner. I imagine if you are on this site you have an open mind and took a learning approach to hearing someone in your life say they enjoy diapers.

I ask specifically to understand a bit more of what went well when you were told about their ABDL life and what advice you would give to an ABDL who wants to tell their partner. Feel free to respond here or DM.
 
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Me! I got into it this time because of my partner.

To clarify more, I had semi-regular bedwetting throughout childhood, and infrequent bedwetting even into my early 20s. I also have had intermittent times with frequent urges and made the decision to wear a pad or protection of some sort as a result. So my story is not that of someone who never wore a diaper or protection from potty-training to adulthood until suddenly their partner asked them to or wanted to try it out. However, those were always utilitarian, not "for fun", didn't really "get anything out of it" aside from not having a full bladder or wet pants. (I've written more about this on my profile recently, for anyone who's interested.)

So the most recent time I intended to do that, a few years back, I gave my husband a heads-up. Well, to be more truthful, I agonized over it for a few days and was really stressed out about telling him, because I did not expect his approval. At one point he'd told me about having a bit of a diaper kink, but I'd forgotten, and that had been that. I'd known he was embarrassed about it anyway and didn't seem to want it brought back. I told him my intent, he told me that if I was going to do that there'd be basically no way that his kink wasn't going to come back raging...

That said, I've generally been the kinkier one in our marriage and he's not really wanted to try a lot. I'm open minded and don't really have very many limits as long as it stays in private and isn't a lifestyle thing. He asked me if I'd be willing to let him have a caregiver role if I chose to wear. I won't say I wasn't incredibly nervous, but I thought about it a bit and agreed. We bought drugstore diapers; I let him also buy some of his choice online, and we tested them out. At first, yeah, it felt pretty awkward. I really only ever intended them for wearing "just in case" so I could leak a little as needed, pee for convenience if necessary, but didn't plan to just have full wettings by choice. And especially not stay wet for longer periods of time and end up soaking wet and squishy. Well, my husband had other ideas. Goes without saying he won out, but we did have some trial and error, some communicating about likes and dislikes, setting boundaries (pretty much all of which eventually got relaxed but I would not advise going into it with that expectation) and so on.

Once the initial awkwardness ended, I came to discover I really enjoyed some elements of the CGL dynamic. Not full time, not as a lifestyle, not with any actual ageplaying or age regression involved. More just for me to get really relaxed, not think about deep or stressful things, have him make decisions for me like snacks and when to go to bed, watch movies or play games together where it's perfectly normal for me to just be curled up under a cozy blanket. He might do things like rub my back or feet, brush my hair, etc. He checks and changes my diapers (or if I'm not wearing that evening might help me go pee, pull my pants down, help me wipe up, get me dressed again). Might also carry me around, pick me up and take me to bed when it's time, etc. Over time, I became more confident in a lot of this and have initiated more things myself.

Even so, I don't identify as an "ABDL" myself. I'm kinky, definitely into CGL, some bondage play, sub/dom, "boss" and "brat" type stuff, etc. I'm a sucker for attention, touch, etc. so a lot of this just fits naturally. Also, I've always been very open about pee and not really in a sexual way at all, just a very matter-of-fact "everyone does it" sort of way. Though sometimes have tried to do long holds because I enjoy the feeling, and have occasionally introduced desperation play too. My husband would consider himself to be a "DL" but would rather I wear than he wear. I would also personally prefer he not wear either, so it's a good fit for us. (I mean, if he really wanted to, we'd find a way, but it would not be a turn-on for me while it definitely is for him when I wear.)

I think the one thing that has bothered me some is that while he did tell me before we got engaged that he was interested, it was kind of in passing (I know he was embarrassed and not sure how I'd take it) and then he just tried to suppress that side of himself for years, not saying a word about it, trying to make thoughts and desires go away if they came up, and sometimes went through phases of just acting really repressed in general. I wish we'd talked about it more, and he'd been more open with me earlier, so that we didn't have to wait several years to be able to explore things like this together.
 
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happy89 said:
Me! I got into it this time because of my partner.

To clarify more, I had semi-regular bedwetting throughout childhood, and infrequent bedwetting even into my early 20s. I also have had intermittent times with frequent urges and made the decision to wear a pad or protection of some sort as a result. So my story is not that of someone who never wore a diaper or protection from potty-training to adulthood until suddenly their partner asked them to or wanted to try it out. However, those were always utilitarian, not "for fun", didn't really "get anything out of it" aside from not having a full bladder or wet pants. (I've written more about this on my profile recently, for anyone who's interested.)

So the most recent time I intended to do that, a few years back, I gave my husband a heads-up. Well, to be more truthful, I agonized over it for a few days and was really stressed out about telling him, because I did not expect his approval. At one point he'd told me about having a bit of a diaper kink, but I'd forgotten, and that had been that. I'd known he was embarrassed about it anyway and didn't seem to want it brought back. I told him my intent, he told me that if I was going to do that there'd be basically no way that his kink wasn't going to come back raging...

That said, I've generally been the kinkier one in our marriage and he's not really wanted to try a lot. I'm open minded and don't really have very many limits as long as it stays in private and isn't a lifestyle thing. He asked me if I'd be willing to let him have a caregiver role if I chose to wear. I won't say I wasn't incredibly nervous, but I thought about it a bit and agreed. We bought drugstore diapers; I let him also buy some of his choice online, and we tested them out. At first, yeah, it felt pretty awkward. I really only ever intended them for wearing "just in case" so I could leak a little as needed, pee for convenience if necessary, but didn't plan to just have full wettings by choice. And especially not stay wet for longer periods of time and end up soaking wet and squishy. Well, my husband had other ideas. Goes without saying he won out, but we did have some trial and error, some communicating about likes and dislikes, setting boundaries (pretty much all of which eventually got relaxed but I would not advise going into it with that expectation) and so on.

Once the initial awkwardness ended, I came to discover I really enjoyed some elements of the CGL dynamic. Not full time, not as a lifestyle, not with any actual ageplaying or age regression involved. More just for me to get really relaxed, not think about deep or stressful things, have him make decisions for me like snacks and when to go to bed, watch movies or play games together where it's perfectly normal for me to just be curled up under a cozy blanket. He might do things like rub my back or feet, brush my hair, etc. He checks and changes my diapers (or if I'm not wearing that evening might help me go pee, pull my pants down, help me wipe up, get me dressed again). Might also carry me around, pick me up and take me to bed when it's time, etc. Over time, I became more confident in a lot of this and have initiated more things myself.

Even so, I don't identify as an "ABDL" myself. I'm kinky, definitely into CGL, some bondage play, sub/dom, "boss" and "brat" type stuff, etc. I'm a sucker for attention, touch, etc. so a lot of this just fits naturally. Also, I've always been very open about pee and not really in a sexual way at all, just a very matter-of-fact "everyone does it" sort of way. Though sometimes have tried to do long holds because I enjoy the feeling, and have occasionally introduced desperation play too. My husband would consider himself to be a "DL" but would rather I wear than he wear. I would also personally prefer he not wear either, so it's a good fit for us. (I mean, if he really wanted to, we'd find a way, but it would not be a turn-on for me while it definitely is for him when I wear.)

I think the one thing that has bothered me some is that while he did tell me before we got engaged that he was interested, it was kind of in passing (I know he was embarrassed and not sure how I'd take it) and then he just tried to suppress that side of himself for years, not saying a word about it, trying to make thoughts and desires go away if they came up, and sometimes went through phases of just acting really repressed in general. I wish we'd talked about it more, and he'd been more open with me earlier, so that we didn't have to wait several years to be able to explore things like this together.
Thanks Happy89, that all sounds like a realistic success story of communication with your partner and I greatly appreciate you sharing. To my knowledge I am the kinky one in my marriage and thrive on consent. At this point my biggest fear is that I have repressed this side of me and not opened up to her sooner. In your case would starting with smaller kinks and working up to CGL would have been good? Or would you have preferred your husband told you of his DL side out the gate?
 
Outdoorlife said:
Thanks Happy89, that all sounds like a realistic success story of communication with your partner and I greatly appreciate you sharing. To my knowledge I am the kinky one in my marriage and thrive on consent. At this point my biggest fear is that I have repressed this side of me and not opened up to her sooner. In your case would starting with smaller kinks and working up to CGL would have been good? Or would you have preferred your husband told you of his DL side out the gate?
He told me, but in passing, and if it meant as much to him I wish he'd brought it up again within a reasonable amount of time, let me ask questions. Because in hindsight it does sort of seem like he kept it hidden or didn't really care either way if I knew or participated. I know that's not completely fair, as he did and I've learned in my time on here that a lot of people have really good reasons for keeping it hidden. And we weren't even engaged yet the first time he told me a little bit. On the flip side, it's true I don't know how I'd have taken it to learn too much too soon.

Realistically, it is possible that you have repressed this side of yourself and it would have been good to open up sooner, but the only thing any of us can change is what we do now and in the future. And there are plenty of awful stories about partners who have good relationships until something comes out and then things are never the same. I understand that fear and wanting to just not say anything so as to not rock the boat. Yet at the same time, I also feel like if a relationship isn't built on truth and each person knowing the other, then it's not on solid ground either.

As far as working up to something like CGL, perhaps. I think I'd be more inclined to open the conversation with something like https://bdsmtest.org/ and https://www.quiv.re/ and talk about kinks and interests from that. The latter one also lets partners each take it (if you sign up for a free account) and then it scores compatibility. You do have to re-authorize consent after each time you answer questions though or your partner can't see them. My husband and I learned quite a bit from it. I don't think I experienced too many surprises on his likes, but on several times he told me "I had no idea" about something I was interested in or would be down for if he were.
 
Outdoorlife said:
Thanks Happy89, that all sounds like a realistic success story of communication with your partner and I greatly appreciate you sharing. To my knowledge I am the kinky one in my marriage and thrive on consent. At this point my biggest fear is that I have repressed this side of me and not opened up to her sooner. In your case would starting with smaller kinks and working up to CGL would have been good? Or would you have preferred your husband told you of his DL side out the gate?
Oh, and I'd also add that another reason the online quizzes may be helpful is everyone's definition of a "bigger" and "smaller" kink might vary. Like for me stuff like rope play is a fun, minor, pretty innocent way to have some kinky fun. My husband on the other hand wouldn't even touch it for about seven years because it made him think of all kinds of things from the police and detective shows he watches and didn't want to imitate it. That's an example of something I'd consider to be a pretty mild kink was a big enough thing to him to be a hard limit for years.
 
I am Non ABDL. I am here because it is a subject I can't talk about with most my friends or rather I don't want to talk about. Their are a lot of Incontinent members that I can relate to their struggles. But I was shocked to see how much I would come to love the other members. I have gotten good diaper tips and then advice on diapers I want to try from many ABDL's. Also had it not been for the ABDL's making super extended wear diapers the medical industry never would of took off making them too. When they noticed they are loosing customers to ABDL diaper manufactures for making a better mouse trap, they stepped up and it was a win win for incontinent folks. I will say it has been interesting learning a lot of what makes you guys tic. Everyone here is more than supportive to me and all incontinent users. I guess in a way I call myself a DL but it is because I know I will be wearing them the rest of my life and I love them for giving my life back. Especially since we now have such good products. They are10 times better than they was in the 1990 or so when I started wearing.

It is just nice to be one place that diapers are not taboo. I had some friends just the other night talking shit and saying how bad it would be to have to wear diapers and he would kill himself first. It hurts when standing right there and I want to tell him he is a idiot but I don't want to draw attention to the fact I am wearing and have been the entire time he knows me and he has not a clue. Just having a place to vent about stupid shit like this is why I am here. That and being incontinence is always a symptom of a medical condition it is nice that other incontinent members share some of their health struggle and it also makes me feel good to know I am not alone in my health problems, and someone else always has it worse. Being able to have a place to vent and talk about all of these things is priceless. This site has been the best therapy for me.

I know I don't fit exactly to the question asked as I am not a member because of a friend or spouse but never the less I am a non ABDL member. I am so glad for the "I" in ADISC.
 
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happy89 said:
He told me, but in passing, and if it meant as much to him I wish he'd brought it up again within a reasonable amount of time, let me ask questions. Because in hindsight it does sort of seem like he kept it hidden or didn't really care either way if I knew or participated. I know that's not completely fair, as he did and I've learned in my time on here that a lot of people have really good reasons for keeping it hidden. And we weren't even engaged yet the first time he told me a little bit. On the flip side, it's true I don't know how I'd have taken it to learn too much too soon.

Realistically, it is possible that you have repressed this side of yourself and it would have been good to open up sooner, but the only thing any of us can change is what we do now and in the future. And there are plenty of awful stories about partners who have good relationships until something comes out and then things are never the same. I understand that fear and wanting to just not say anything so as to not rock the boat. Yet at the same time, I also feel like if a relationship isn't built on truth and each person knowing the other, then it's not on solid ground either.

As far as working up to something like CGL, perhaps. I think I'd be more inclined to open the conversation with something like https://bdsmtest.org/ and https://www.quiv.re/ and talk about kinks and interests from that. The latter one also lets partners each take it (if you sign up for a free account) and then it scores compatibility. You do have to re-authorize consent after each time you answer questions though or your partner can't see them. My husband and I learned quite a bit from it. I don't think I experienced too many surprises on his likes, but on several times he told me "I had no idea" about something I was interested in or would be down for if he were.
Great insight here. That link seems like a great way to test the waters without it being too scary. I definitely understand some of your thought process and know it’s hard to explain a unique situation on this forum. The truth is we have an awesome relationship and if I had to choose between this kink and her, she wins every time. The other piece that makes this a bit more complicated is that she took a sex ed class in college and they discussed ABDL in a bad light as well as watched the my strange addiction ABDL episode so she has some misconceptions of what this really is. Which means I need to be extremely crafty on how I approach the situation. These came up in unrelated conversations.

Without getting too far in the weeds, this is super helpful in hearing your perspective/ experience and I truly appreciate the support.
 
Let us know how it goes @Outdoorlife. In spite of her poor indoctrination via that sex ed class do not approach this with any shred of shame. It is the main thing that can act as self sabotage when coming out.
 
Diaperman95 said:
I am Non ABDL. I am here because it is a subject I can't talk about with most my friends or rather I don't want to talk about. Their are a lot of Incontinent members that I can relate to their struggles. But I was shocked to see how much I would come to love the other members. I have gotten good diaper tips and then advice on diapers I want to try from many ABDL's. Also had it not been for the ABDL's making super extended wear diapers the medical industry never would of took off making them too. When they noticed they are loosing customers to ABDL diaper manufactures for making a better mouse trap, they stepped up and it was a win win for incontinent folks. I will say it has been interesting learning a lot of what makes you guys tic. Everyone here is more than supportive to me and all incontinent users. I guess in a way I call myself a DL but it is because I know I will be wearing them the rest of my life and I love them for giving my life back. Especially since we now have such good products. They are10 times better than they was in the 1990 or so when I started wearing.

It is just nice to be one place that diapers are not taboo. I had some friends just the other night talking shit and saying how bad it would be to have to wear diapers and he would kill himself first. It hurts when standing right there and I want to tell him he is a idiot but I don't want to draw attention to the fact I am wearing and have been the entire time he knows me and he has not a clue. Just having a place to vent about stupid shit like this is why I am here. That and being incontinence is always a symptom of a medical condition it is nice that other incontinent members share some of their health struggle and it also makes me feel good to know I am not alone in my health problems, and someone else always has it worse. Being able to have a place to vent and talk about all of these things is priceless. This site has been the best therapy for me.

I know I don't fit exactly to the question asked as I am not a member because of a friend or spouse but never the less I am a non ABDL member. I am so glad for the "I" in ADI
That
Diaperman95 said:
I am Non ABDL. I am here because it is a subject I can't talk about with most my friends or rather I don't want to talk about. Their are a lot of Incontinent members that I can relate to their struggles. But I was shocked to see how much I would come to love the other members. I have gotten good diaper tips and then advice on diapers I want to try from many ABDL's. Also had it not been for the ABDL's making super extended wear diapers the medical industry never would of took off making them too. When they noticed they are loosing customers to ABDL diaper manufactures for making a better mouse trap, they stepped up and it was a win win for incontinent folks. I will say it has been interesting learning a lot of what makes you guys tic. Everyone here is more than supportive to me and all incontinent users. I guess in a way I call myself a DL but it is because I know I will be wearing them the rest of my life and I love them for giving my life back. Especially since we now have such good products. They are10 times better than they was in the 1990 or so when I started wearing.

It is just nice to be one place that diapers are not taboo. I had some friends just the other night talking shit and saying how bad it would be to have to wear diapers and he would kill himself first. It hurts when standing right there and I want to tell him he is a idiot but I don't want to draw attention to the fact I am wearing and have been the entire time he knows me and he has not a clue. Just having a place to vent about stupid shit like this is why I am here. That and being incontinence is always a symptom of a medical condition it is nice that other incontinent members share some of their health struggle and it also makes me feel good to know I am not alone in my health problems, and someone else always has it worse. Being able to have a place to vent and talk about all of these things is priceless. This site has been the best therapy for me.

I know I don't fit exactly to the question asked as I am not a member because of a friend or spouse but never the less I am a non ABDL member. I am so glad for the "I" in ADISC
Thanks for weighing in. Fresh perspectives are always helpful, especially since yours is different than many members but you still are a part of the community. Nice to know other good people are on here
 
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Subtlerustle said:
Let us know how it goes @Outdoorlife. In spite of her poor indoctrination via that sex ed class do not approach this with any shred of shame. It is the main thing that can act as self sabotage when coming out.
I appreciate the support. Between podcasts and research, that seems to be the golden piece of advice. If I make it shameful, she is likely to do the same. I have a few more boxes I want to check off before chatting with my wife, but I am sure there will be a post after.

While I don’t have any expectations on what the conversation leads to, I don’t think it would cause us to split. I just know it is going to be awkward as hell. Hopefully I will be another success story out there.
 
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