Secrets better kept?

DonnieHendrix

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So I confided in some friends recently about how negative thoughts are starting to get the better of me and I’m beggining to feel hopeless and it’s impacting my home and work life.
They suggested I might find it helpful to talk to Samaritans or some similar organisation. Before I work up the courage to do that I have some questions:
Have any of you ever spoken to them? Was it helpful?
Am I important enough or is it just for people on the brink of suicide?
How honest should I be?
Would it be safe to talk about ABDL?
 

Sapphyre

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Those negative thoughts can start to spiral and escalate quickly — voice of experience talking.

Definitely reach out to someone before you get to a crisis point. o.o
 

dogboy

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I finally found the courage to make an appointment through the psychiatric division of our hospital and I'm now seeing a psychologist for depression and grief. I do feel it's making a difference as this week was a little bit better for me than last week. Don't let depression ruin your life. I kept getting more and more depressed because the cycle of depression can cycle downward. When that happens, you need to seek professional help.
 

DonnieHendrix

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Urgh depression, the d-word as I call it. I’ve tried to ignore it all my life, I deny and deny it to myself. There has been a history of depression in my family and I’ve been determined I wanted to break that chain, that I might save my kids from the same fate. Whether denying it to myself or sometimes accepting it, there’s no way I’d tell anyone else, no way I’d admit to not being ok.

But I don’t know it’s gotten harder in recent years. I’ve learnt a little about cycles and relapses and started to realise that maybe the times I thought I was doing well perhaps I wasn’t as in control as I perceived.
I have no outlets anymore, no coping mechanisms. I used to be able to drink or play music or self harm but none are options anymore.
Ironically I suppose some ‘little’ activities would be the perfect stress relief/outlet. But there’s no way my wife would allow it.
And I can’t tell her anything about the d-word because she has ptsd, ocd and anxiety. I’m supposed to be the one supporting her.

I’m finding it a hard pill to swallow but, I do need help. I’m not winning the battle anymore. I’m not the calm level headed man I used to be. I’m fact I’m almost nothing I used to be.
I’m very nearly nothing at all.
 

Andybun

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Not quite sure if you do but there are few activities/excersises that can help along counseling.
Go running three times a week, for example, and try to focus on objects at mid distance. Even if you don't want to go out, force yourself to do it.
You could also give autogenous training a shot.

The most important thing though, is going to see a counselor.
 

ORBaby

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Denying depression does not work. Do not wait until a crisis occurs seek some counseling. As Andybun said exercising is helpful.
 

DonnieHendrix

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Thanks for the good suggestions, exercising I’m certain would be helpful even if only as a distraction. After all why would so many people do it if it wasn’t enjoyable. However (and I don’t mean to be negative) I just have no motivation these days, I know I won’t actually do it and certainly wouldn’t stick to it. Lately I struggle at times to even shower or have food.

I’m curious about a couple of things you mentioned Andybun: what’s the thinking behind focusing on things mid distance? I haven’t heard of that before. Nor ‘autogenous training’, what is that?

Counselling certainly seems like the best way forward but naturally I have hurdles/excuses for that too. I can’t afford it that’s for sure, plus I need to maintain anonymity so my wife doesn’t know. That combined with not having time means counselling is very unlikely.

Thank you for your support and help, and I don’t wanna be so dismissive and negative but that’s what I’m used to doing. My brain always jumps straight to thinking why I can’t do this... why that will never work etc.

That’s why some form of email or web chat like Samaritans could be the first baby step (pun indulged).
If only I would bloody take the step, it’s been weeks now I’ve been meaning to. Argh I annoy myself.
 

Andybun

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Focussing on mid distance objects while running.
I've been doing running as an excersise for quite some time before I had figured this out myself. It works two ways.
First off, I remember excersises where I was significiantly slower for no apparent reason and I started to wonder why as the circumstances where reasonably similar between a slow and a faster run. From food over to the clothes I wore, the music I listened to and even the weather. Over time I realized, that if I see my own foot tips or the entire feet while running my times crashed so I started focussing on mid distance objects instead. Not always easy when you are already pumping but quite worth the effort as my times became more even from run to run and faster on a steady basis as well.

The second thing it did to me, and I only realized it way way later, that if I use this approach in my life as well a whole lot of things become easier and not as disturbing as they used to be. At the moment you kind of look at your feet and lose targets out of sight by not focussing on mid distance at least. The thing is, do not focus on something too close by but neither on something too far away.
If you don't look at your feet but into the nearer distance your body shape also rises automatically from a shoulder & head down, to a way more straightened up shape which in turn indicates a way more positive attitude.
You may have heard about the mirror method. Stand yourself in front of a mirror, straighten your body shape up and look straight into your picture. While running and focussing on something a bit further away you do exactly the same just without said mirror.

A little ps right here. This applies to motorcycling, as well. Once you figured out where to look while riding, your motorcycle will take you to your target points straight. If you just look at your front wheel you are prone to mess up big time.

Autogenous Training is a method to relax, to suggest positive thoughts and to focus on things ahead as well. I usually use it to relax and to focus on my excersise by running the track in my thoughts. To envision a track I haven't done for some time, to envision methods I want to apply on the next excersise such as interval training or just running the track I'm going to do tonight. It is easy to learn but I'd recommend an instructor for the first couple of sessions at least.

But remember, what I suggest above is only meant to help along counseling, it does not replace it. So yes indeed, make the first step and have a chat with the Samatarians, for example. Or any other help on offer in this regard.

Best of luck and heads up.
 

BabyTyrant

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I have struggled with mental health issues (on and off, sometimes Its really hard, other times its like I don't have these issues) before, starting when I was in senior year of high school.

Theres a number of times I could have been hospitalized (twice I almost was, but knowing what was gonna happen if I didnt lie, I lied so I wouldn't be put into a mental hospital; plus there were several times I thought about suicide at my last job, theres only so much yelling you can take when you dont deserve to get yelled at, you did nothing wrong, you worked harder than anybody else, plus you are working on almost no sleep with no medication) and I don't always make the best decision (though I do try and I have managed to stay away from self harm for years)..

But yeah, dont repeat my mistakes, value yourself more and do something before you get to a critical point.
 

DonnieHendrix

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Wow I haven’t ran since school, ok that’s a lie I never ran in school either.
But thanks again I like that mid focusing concept it seems smart as a general approach to all things. I like the front wheel of a bike analogy too, I will try to keep that in mind.
Can’t do mirrors I’m afraid, I stopped even tidying my hair ages ago I only ever use a mirror about once every 2-3 months to shave and I avoid eye contact.

I’m starting to really frustrate myself now, this last couple of weeks has been the most I’ve reached out ever and literally everyone who has responded has been helpful and supportive.
I know what I need to do, the next step is clear. Why is it so bloody hard then? 😠
Why can’t I just get the ball rolling?
I dont know what’s stopping me.

Then there’s this voice, in my head saying ‘you aren’t depressed, what have you got to be depressed about, you’re putting it on, stop wasting peoples time’
 

ScarletRoseRapier

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Depression can be pretty bad, I know, I lost my only father (who was my grandfather (yes raised souly by my grandparents) when I was into my 2nd year of High School. That was my all time low... Now I just lost both my Grandmother(to the rest of my family) and my home for 33 year. Things can always be worst, at least I still have a mask, a truck and a job. It
 

Osito

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If you can afford some counselling sessions I’d recommend arranging a first session- which they call an assessment. If they seem OK then agree to some sessions as a first step. This is much quicker and more anonymous than seeing a doctor.
Alternatively there are online courses called Silvercloud and there is one for depression and low mood. Where I live you can self refer onto one without seeing a doctor. You get a supporter who exchanges messages with you once a week so you can ask questions and get feedback. Again it’s anonymous.
 

Dinotopian2002

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Hi DonnieHendrix

How's it going? I hope that your mental health has improved a little last week.

As someone who has had both counselling and CBT on a number of occasions, I can attest that it works, providing you're willing to work at it. Each session is confidential and counsellors do not share your conversations with anyone, unless they feel you need additional help, and they will ask for your permission before doing so.

From what you've said of your partner, it sounds like you've had to be strong for her for a long time, but this will build up stress in yourself if you have no outlet to release it safely. This is what people call self-care - it can be overdone at points but it is important to look after yourself too.

Like you, I denied I was depressed for years and I hid it by being very, very busy, but in true I was running away from the things that I needed to face. It was only when I hit a crisis point 18 months ago that I realised that I needed professional help.

With the ABDL side, I'd keep it hidden until you've built up a level of trust with your counsellor. Opinions are divided, but some more open-minded counsellors recognise that regression can be an effective coping mechanism, provided that it is done in moderation.

I hope this is helpful for you and it will give you some advice in what to do next. Hang in there, it gets easier.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002
 

DonnieHendrix

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Thanks Dinotopion (and all who have commented)

It’s great to hear testimony of it working. I feel I do need to try counselling and/cbt and it’s great that it can be confidential. I just need to find a way practically that I can get myself involved. It makes me feel that the first step is gonna be one of the ones I’m afraid of the most. Standing up to my wife and ‘making’ time for myself. I know it’s not unreasonable for a husband to want some time to himself without being questioned where he is (though it might seem suspicious), but in the corner I’ve backed myself into it feels impossible.

Samaritans have helped and listened, and I want to talk to MIND about my options, but ultimately a lot relies on me and being assertive where I never have been before.

Thanks again all of you for your support.
 
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