Sad But True

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Dr_J

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Wasn't sure where to post this, but then I figured that this could be considered something in which I could get some advice/support from. So, please read, but beware that It is a bit heartbreaking (at least, it hurt to write a bit)

Sad But True


“Sad but true.”

That’s the only phrase I can tell myself no matter how many times or from how many perspectives I look at myself. I know what I live with, what I face. I face the reality that I’m different. It’s not every day that you meet an infantilist. Or at least, not every day that you meet an out of the closet infantilist. You can meet homosexuals, drug addicts, drunks, homeless people, and other types of people who live a lifestyle that is widely accepted (or at least acknowledged).

To tell you the truth, though I’ve come to terms with what I am, I can’t seem to fully accept it. Part of me wishes if I wasn’t born to be this way, because I’m afraid that it will do more harm than good to the people around me if they ever found out. Sometimes I hate it when I see a child being babied by his mother and I get jealous and feel alone. Fear grips me when I think of being with somebody again, because my brain tells me that she would call me a freak and walk out on me. It also grips me when I think about people discovering this very real part of me. What would they do? The only thing I think of is a large group of people pointing their fingers and laughing at me. Since this isn’t a widely accepted lifestyle, I feel like Kevin Costner from “Mr. Brooks”, having to hide a whole part of my life from everybody, having to seek refuge in isolation. Having to clear out my browsing history and change the name of my story in order to avert suspicion.

And yet, simultaneously I feel happy that I’ve found a part of me that is unique. I’m happy to know that a few friends have accepted me, even if they don’t understand the frustration of not having an intimate relationship out of fear. They told me I’m admirable for being honest and that I shouldn’t call myself flawed for being an infantilist. Hell, one friend even told me that she thinks whoever “the lucky gal” is, she will “have fun with me” and that “the sex life will be more interesting”. Quite frankly, I’m just glad to know that I’ve found something about me in which I believe if I ever do find a woman who wishes to partake in this part of me, then I’d become a new person from the amount of happiness I’d feel. It’d be the perfect natural high that would do all sorts of things to my brain. Maybe I’d write something new and better. Maybe I’d look at life with a little more appreciation.

A bittersweet trait is the only way to describe what I have. Bitter in the sense that it has the risk of destroying many bridges, but sweet in the sense that it’s the only part of me that can make me feel the most innocent and carefree. But I struggle with it at times. My yearning to be babied sometimes devolves into an urge, and then I feel guilty about it. My ability to control it is still a work in progress, but I feel that with enough support and help that I can live with this without feeling ashamed.
 

Fire2box

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Well there's really no need for us to expose ourselves as AB's. Mainly since there's no real point to. You can meet other AB's and DL's online then meet out in public. The only people I feel a need telling anymore will be my girlfriends (If I date anyone anyway). But really there's no need for everyone to know it.
 

starshine

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Everyone has their own insecurities, and it seems like infantilism may be one of yours.

While some things may be acknowledged, by no means are they accepted.

Drug deals are afraid of getting caught by the police. Former drug dealers may be afraid of new acquaintances finding out, and judging them by it. Gays can be afraid of being shunned from their friends, and family. Alcoholics, they may be the most professional of people, they may be afraid of their employers find out. Sure those things are more widely known, but by no means are they always accepted.
 

Takkun

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Well there's really no need for us to expose ourselves as AB's. Mainly since there's no real point to. You can meet other AB's and DL's online then meet out in public. The only people I feel a need telling anymore will be my girlfriends (If I date anyone anyway). But really there's no need for everyone to know it.
Even though there's no NEED, I can see how it would be frustrating for it not acceptable to most people. For me, what I do (with me as the child, or as the Mommy of Shin) I like to think that if I DID ever tell anyone about myself, that it would be okay.
 

dangermouse

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Have to say I feel very similar. It's only places like this where I can talk about it, but in my real life it's just impossible for anyone to know because it will cause harm to my relationships with friends & family. Sure some might deal with it if they knew, but things wouldn't be the same. There are enough burnt bridges as there are anyway.

The huge problem for me though is this life prevents me having romantic/sexual relationships with anyone. My feelings are a huge distraction anyway, and then I'd either have to give it all up to meet someone or hide it which I don't think I could.
 

cpndl

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I know how you feel. For many years, I denied my fetish to myself and my then spouse. As I have detailed elsewhere, that ended up badly. I now accept it, and yet no one outside of the group on here and my ex, know about me. I have felt occasionally a compulsion to tell a good friend of mine, but I will bide my time. The only reason I would tell her, (not my gf by the way) is to explain why I am not actively seeking a mate. At this time I am comfortable being single and being a DL. This place has helped with that.
 

dogboy

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I would have to agree with cpndl in that sometimes you have to make difficult choices, diapers or mate. Quite honestly, I lived with both for many years until my wife did find out. After I came clean, she was very accepting, but we have a unique relationship, and we are both unique kind of people. You just have to find an accepting girl. They are out there, and there are probably more than you think. I think the problem is for us guys, we all want to live with models, instead of women who might be good for us.
 

Maverick

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Damn, that's deep, Dr_J.

Dr_J said:
Sometimes I hate it when I see a child being babied by his mother and I get jealous and feel alone.
Yeah, I really hate seeing that too.

I find myself often wondering how everyone I've ever known would react to me being an infantilist and sometimes it does scare me too.

But I love my infantilism, even though my desire to be young again really does upset me often. I just love having this rare condition that makes me different from the majority. ^_^ I wouldn't want to be any other way.

I often am worried about whether or not I'll find someone who'll be able to accept my infantilism too, Dr_J, even though I'm younger than you (I think you said you were in your twenties once). I dunno, I guess I worry about the future often.

I think we all just need to be optimistic and patient and not worry so much. Isn't there a saying, "Good things come with patience" or something?
 

Drewsky

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I've only told my boyfriend of 2 years. I feel like I can't trust anyone about it...
 
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stanfordhawks

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I feel the exact same way. I too wish I wasn't born this way and I have even tried to make it so I didn't have to live at all. My best friend stopped me though. To this day I still wish I was not alive. Everyday I live in agony knowing I will be on the outside 1. I don't fit in. 2. I cant play sports or put any sort of pressure on my hip. I hate life.
EDIT:and to make it worse im an only child so if i dont have kids, a boy, the timko name ends which kinda sucks.
 
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Maverick

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I feel the exact same way. I too wish I wasn't born this way and I have even tried to make it so I didn't have to live at all. My best friend stopped me though. To this day I still wish I was not alive. Everyday I live in agony knowing I will be on the outside 1. I don't fit in. 2. I cant play sports or put any sort of pressure on my hip. I hate life.
EDIT:and to make it worse im an only child so if i dont have kids, a boy, the timko name ends which kinda sucks.
That's a horrible way to think. Look at the good things in your life and what you're grateful for. It doesn't matter if you don't fit in. You're 14 years old. Ten years from now, fitting in doesn't matter if you have friends who accept you for who you are.
 

Lilannakiya

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I understand where you are coming from Dr. J, I pushed aside my infantilism for years along with other parts of who I am. I was scared to get close to anyone because I thought they would see right through me. But as I've gotten a little older and been hurt by other things and experienced other things I realize that I can't spend my life being ashamed. I am who I am and nothing will change that, so I accept myself completely now.
It may takke some time for you to realize just how unique and awesome you are but you will. And you don't have to tell everyone about what you are. It is very possible to find someone that shares your interests and accepts you completely, I did. And you are right when you do you will be beyond happy, and there is a seurity and comfort that comes along with it.
Don't be ashamed Dr. J, be proud of who you are, there is only one you and can only ever be one you, be glad in knowing that, the rest will follow.
 
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Dr J,

I know exactly how you feel, as I'm right there with you. My circumstance is a little different in that I have had to wear 24/7/365 for 5 years now for medical reasons, and my wife and friends know this, but nobody except my wife knows about the infantilism, and she really freaked out about it when I told her.
I've been married for 21 years now, and I had kept it a secret for 15 of those. Most of my life I've had to hide it from everyone I know for fear that it wouldn't be understood.
But I too have those feelings of jealousy whenever I see a small child getting the love and attention of a loving mother or father. I was really jealous of my own son when he was born, because my wife gave so much attention to him, rightly so of course, but it still hurt. My family was never very loving when I was growing up. I never heard "I love you" or got a hug from either of my parents, and that left a big hole in my heart/life. I believe that's how I got into wanting diapers at such a young age. I was no fool. I could see that a baby got nothing but love and affection from anyone that they were around. My best friend when I was growing up had a large family, there was always a baby in the house, (they were Mormon), and every time I went over there I would see how the babies were treated and I was so, so jealous of them.
I had to keep this bottled up inside of me for far too long, 45 years to be exact. That's when I discovered that I wasn't the only one to feel this way either. Up until then, I thought I was some kind of a freak or something. I only found out about the AB/DL community 4 years ago when I was able to get onto a computer and search. And I wasn't looking for this community, I was only trying to find out if I could buy cloth diapers for an adult because I was having so many problems with the disposables I was using after becoming incontinent.
You can't imagine the relief I felt knowing I wasn't alone in this. But on the other hand, it's still very depressing not having someone to share it with.
Yes, I feel for you, and I understand completely. I think almost everyone here probably does. No one was born with the knowledge that there is a community of diaper lovers/adult babies out there. And only a lucky few ever get to really experience what we all want again.
My heart breaks sometimes over this. I've had some serious depression due to this, and some other things thrown in. It even drove me to try suicide twice, but I'll never admit/mention it to anyone else that the infantilism had anything to do with it.
It's sad that there are so many people like us. And think of how many more there probably are out there that don't have access to a computer to find out about this community, to find out that they aren't weird, just unloved. How many broken homes are there that are producing kids with such low self esteem that they want to be a baby again, just to get that loved feeling again.
 

ayanna

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The huge problem for me though is this life prevents me having romantic/sexual relationships with anyone. My feelings are a huge distraction anyway, and then I'd either have to give it all up to meet someone or hide it which I don't think I could.
You're joking right?

As I have said (numerous times on this forum....in other threads) I was INTRODUCED to infantilism by a "close friend"...while that relationship didn't come to fruition...through my introduction to infantilism I did meet someone else, and we were together for 2-1/2 years. This was not a 'friendship'...this was most definitely a romantic/sexual relationship. Oh BOY was it a romantic/sexual relationship!!! *blushes*

I hate when people say "I'd have to give up diapers to have a relationship with a woman (or man)." It's such a crock of bull!

Oh, and yeah, it's true, I already knew about infantilism when I met him...but...I didn't know about it when I met the guy who introduced me to the topic and, while that wasn't a sexual relationship, it did have the potential of becoming one.

Never give up hope!
 

Maverick

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You're joking right?

As I have said (numerous times on this forum....in other threads) I was INTRODUCED to infantilism by a "close friend"...while that relationship didn't come to fruition...through my introduction to infantilism I did meet someone else, and we were together for 2-1/2 years. This was not a 'friendship'...this was most definitely a romantic/sexual relationship. Oh BOY was it a romantic/sexual relationship!!! *blushes*

I hate when people say "I'd have to give up diapers to have a relationship with a woman (or man)." It's such a crock of bull!

Oh, and yeah, it's true, I already knew about infantilism when I met him...but...I didn't know about it when I met the guy who introduced me to the topic and, while that wasn't a sexual relationship, it did have the potential of becoming one.

Never give up hope!
No, it's not a "crock of bull." In some people, infantilism is so overpowering that one cannot feel sexual feelings toward another person, without the use of diapers or being babied. Of course, more commonly, an infantilist can feel both sexual feelings toward another person without the use of diapers or being babied (though those do enhance the sexual feeling).

A synonym to fetish is paraphilia. When an infantilism experiences sexual pleasure from being a baby, using baby items, or wearing diapers, it is a paraphilia. There are three levels of intensity for a paraphilia, as you can see in the following quote:

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed. said:
Clinicians distinguish between optional, preferred and exclusive paraphilias, though the terminology is not completely standardized. An "optional" paraphilia is an alternative route to sexual arousal. For example, a man with otherwise unremarkable sexual interests might sometimes seek or enhance sexual arousal by wearing women's underwear. In preferred paraphilias, a person prefers the paraphilia to conventional sexual activities, but also engages in conventional sexual activities. For example, a man might prefer to wear women's underwear during sexual activity, whenever possible. In exclusive paraphilias, a person is unable to become sexually aroused in the absence of the paraphilia.
In your case, infantilism is clearly an optional paraphilia (if you do experience sexual pleasure from infantilism at all). However, for some people, infantilism is an exclusive paraphilia. And that does suck, because it will definitely make it more difficult to find a partner. But I agree with you, never give up hope!
 

dangermouse

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You're joking right?
Absolutely not!

As I have said (numerous times on this forum....in other threads) I was INTRODUCED to infantilism by a "close friend"...while that relationship didn't come to fruition...through my introduction to infantilism I did meet someone else, and we were together for 2-1/2 years. This was not a 'friendship'...this was most definitely a romantic/sexual relationship. Oh BOY was it a romantic/sexual relationship!!! *blushes*
I'd say your situation is very unique. The chances of even meeting someone who would understand is very slim for me.

I hate when people say "I'd have to give up diapers to have a relationship with a woman (or man)." It's such a crock of bull!
If you haven't experienced the pain of the situation, you just don't know. It's worse if you are painfully shy as it's hard enough to even meet a partner in the first place, let alone someone who will "deal" with this fetish. Giving up diapers would open a lot of doors for me.

It's worse though for me, as I find I'm just not attracted to people, whatever sex, in any significant way. Diapers turn me on. That's it. At my age it's really is as the title says "sad but true".
 

Maverick

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If you haven't experienced the pain of the situation, you just don't know. It's worse if you are painfully shy as it's hard enough to even meet a partner in the first place, let alone someone who will "deal" with this fetish. Giving up diapers would open a lot of doors for me.

It's worse though for me, as I find I'm just not attracted to people, whatever sex, in any significant way. Diapers turn me on. That's it. At my age it's really is as the title says "sad but true".
Yeah, me too! I have poor social skills and I'm very shy and quiet. I've never actually been sexually attracted to anything other than this fetish. I'm still young, so maybe I will be sexually attracted to someone later on. But isn't puberty when you develop your sexual feelings? Giving up diapers and TB-ism would probably open up some more doors for me too, but I wouldn't want to. I don't really know why; I guess I like my TB-ism so much I wouldn't want to give it up just for it to open up more romantic possibilities. It sounds like you and I are in the same boat, and it's not a very good one...
 
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