Realtionship Help (Advice from girls requested)

[Kokuei]

I dunno if this should be here in Off topic or in Mature. If it needs to be moved im sorry.

Ok here is my question/problem/confusion.

==============

Me and my ex unofficially dated from 2005 - December 2006

We told our friends and expressed ourselves more, making our relationship official near the end of December in 2006.

In March of 2007 She broke up with me and used the "I love you like a brother line" (Locate heart, inject pain, cry)

After that I couldnt stand to be extreamly close to her anymore as it would cause me to start crying. I started spending lunch in woodshop.

She said we could still be friends and could hang out. But when ever i was free she wasnt. After we both graduated from HS in June of 2007 we lost contact.

Then randomly back in like sept of 2008 she randomly contacts me outa the blue and asks me to hang out with her. Since then we have spent time at her house, gone to movies, watched movies at her house, spent valentines day and my birthday with eachother and just had fun.

Now backtracking a bit. Everytime I would leave her house we would hug. well after a while i decided to take a chance and i also kissed her on the cheek. she kissed be back. and every once in a while now when we hug good bye she will give me a kiss on the cheek and i will then give her one back.

Now to the present. I was at her house about a week ago and we played some RE 5 and then we watched National Treasure 2 on DVD.

Normally we watch on her couch/bed thing and Im laying at one end and shes laying on the other with our feet meeting in the middle.

Well this time she put a pillow in my lap and rested her head in my lap as we watched the movie. A while through I got dareing enough to start stroking her hair and rubbing her back like i used to do when we were together and she didnt tell me to stop or move away. We continued to do this for maybe 30-40 min after the movie ended.


So now im very confused and my heart dosent know what to think.

My heart wants to believe that this is the start of us getting back together and its bounceing off the walls.

My mind on the other hand is trying to get through to my heart that it shouldnt read too much into it or it might get hurt just like last time. That this is just my ex being nice.

And im too afrade to ask her outright because im afrade if im wrong that i will lose all that we have gained back.

============

So im looking for advice from girls mostly. But I will accept advice from guys too.

But girls what is your take on this? Is something maybe starting for form a foundation again or could she just be being nice?


Any help or advice or suggestions is appreated and I thank everyone in advance for at least listing and offering suggestions. I really could use others opinions on the matter, maybe someone else has had a situation like this.

 

[Charlie]

Based on what you've said, I'd say she wants to get back together with you.

Try getting drunk together, that usually sorts these type of situations out.

Otherwise just go for it and kiss her, perhaps the next time she hugs you goodbye.

 

[starshine]

Hmm. She may just be the type of girl that likes physical contact. I have a couple friends... a guy friend and a girl friend... they hug, kiss (on the cheek), and they do similar things to what you're saying and they still only look at each other as friends. He's close to being one of her best friends, though.

I think your best bet would to just come out with your feelings. Just tell her you still have feelings for her, and you'd understand if she doesn't have them back. If she doesn't, then it might be hard, but at least there won't be an awkward situation up ahead when you think you're together, and she thinks you're not.

I have to disagree with Charlie's advice. What if she doesn't have feelings for you, and then you guys do something when you're drunk, she regrets it and then it's awkward? That wouldn't be good, for you or for her. It could possibly ruin the friendship if you wanna go to the extreme level.

At the same time, she may have feelings for you, too. So like I said, bring it up to her, it might be hard, but it's the best thing to do.

 

[Darkfinn]

I've made a habit of not associating with ex girlfriends... it never goes well when they want to "just be friends"... you end up haunted by the ghost of what could have been.

My advice... be straight with her... tell her that her actions are confusing you. She either wants a bf/gf relationship or she doesn't... you can't go halfway.

As much as you may like her... there are other fish in the sea. If she doesn't want that kind of relationship it's time to move on.

 

[Elli]

I think your best bet would to just come out with your feelings. Just tell her you still have feelings for her, and you'd understand if she doesn't have them back. If she doesn't, then it might be hard, but at least there won't be an awkward situation up ahead when you think you're together, and she thinks you're not.

I have to disagree with Charlie's advice. What if she doesn't have feelings for you, and then you guys do something when you're drunk, she regrets it and then it's awkward? That wouldn't be good, for you or for her. It could possibly ruin the friendship if you wanna go to the extreme level.

I agree entirely with telling her how you feel, about her and about feeling confused. Try to use language in such a way that it is non-confrontational, so for example, 'I feel confused by your actions towards me' is going to provoke less angst than 'You are confusing me by your actions towards me'. It's like with kids, I've been taught to use the positive version of things, such as 'walk please' rather than 'don't run'. Reading your post though, I think you write beautifully and would guess you communicate well.

My advice... be straight with her... tell her that her actions are confusing you. She either wants a bf/gf relationship or she doesn't... you can't go halfway.

Again I agree, though there is the possiblity that she isn't sure what she wants. My personal opinion is that if she is acting like she is towards you, she is giving clear positive signals and she would be being unfair to you if she is unsure she wishes to get back together. But, people do things for many reasons that make sense to them at the time, so I wouldn't want to judge. Perhaps she would act like that to a brother? However, she is not actually your brother so, maybe she needs to be told, gently of course, how it makes you feel and think when she does those things.

I'm no expert though, this is just my opinion, you know best.

 

[Siege89]

I've made a habit of not associating with ex girlfriends... it never goes well when they want to "just be friends"... you end up haunted by the ghost of what could have been.

My advice... be straight with her... tell her that her actions are confusing you. She either wants a bf/gf relationship or she doesn't... you can't go halfway.

As much as you may like her... there are other fish in the sea. If she doesn't want that kind of relationship it's time to move on.

I have to agree with darkfinn here. An others. But very upfront with her, an if you still wanna be friend with her. Thats fine, but you have to make sure to set up some rules and guide lines. This will make your life allot easier, and less confusing.

I did this with a X from HS, We hang out here and there an have allot of fun. But before we even really entered a good friendship we made sure we both knew what we both wanted out of it. But we still flirt, hug, kiss, even hold hands around town. It just what we do.

 

[Kokuei]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I know I need to talk to her and things need to get laid out. But Im still working up my courage to do that.

As for charlies advice. I agree about all but the drinking. Neither of us ever really get drunk, let alone together. Not to mention im too chivirilous (yea i cant spell) to take advantage of a situation and her like that. Its just not right

For Darkfinn's advice. Yea, that ghost has been haunting me for a bit, tho im hopeing its going away. Yea i do need to be straight with her and things need to be sorted out. As for the other fish in the sea. My mind knows its true, but as many know. The heart has a hard time accepting that.



Well i need to try and gather up the courage to start this conversation with her.

THanks for all the advice and to anyone else has yet to post. I will keep you guys updated on my progress.

 

[Gingy]

That happened to me with my ex.
Then we wound up going out all over again.
Then it ended, and were friends again.
I don't have to worry any more because she's a lesbian now.
I hate relationships. I always find a way to fuck shit up.

 

[BabyMullet]

Hmm...I'm lucky in the sense that I maintain good contact, and consider all my exes friends to this day. Enough time has passed that I when romantic thoughts come up, I treat the same as if they were any other friends. As a plus, I have someone willing to listen to me about most anything.

But, on to your issue!

So two choices, not doing anything, doing something.

Not doing anything: You continue on your current streak of interactions., escalating here and there. Eventually you will come across a point that your ex will say something. Either "Let's be together again" or "You crossed a line, don't do that" The good thing here is that the ball isn't in your court. The bad thing is that the ball isn't in your court.

Doing Something: Same as above, but on you're time frame.

As for your courage, just go forth and do it. Take a deep breath and plunge headfirst. Just give a head ups that you want to talk about something, and its something that is difficult for you to say aloud. Most people will accommodate you if you open up the conversation in the right way.

 

[Talula]

I enjoy being very touchy feely with people. If I like someone as a friend or a I care for them then I want to touch them. I've got into trouble in the past, been accused of leading people on who liked me in that way because of this but I genuinely didn't realise I was doing it.

You need to be careful that she wasn't just feeling a little lonely or vulnerable and wanted a hug from an old friend. At the end of the day, all you did was watch a movie together. I've snuggled up close with friends of both genders to watch movies and meant nothing by it.

If you start telling her now that you still like her then you risk alienating her. A lot of girls I know, myself included, don't feel comfortable hanging around people who have a crush on them that they don't return.

A kiss on the cheek is pretty chaste. A kiss on the cheek is for old friends and grandmothers. Not really for someone you have a crush on.

Just be careful you don't ruin your friendship.

 

[lost-lotus]

That happened to me with my ex.
Then we wound up going out all over again.
Then it ended, and were friends again.
I don't have to worry any more because she's a lesbian now.
I hate relationships. I always find a way to fuck shit up.

You didn't fuck that one up dude.

 

[Bokeh]

The best thing to do is just be honest with her about how you feel but don't get your hopes up just in case she soesn't feel the same way.

When I was in HS I dated a girl off and on and after the 3rd breakup I started to realize that she liked me cause I made her feel good and when something (she thought) better came along she would break up with me. After a while when she realized that the other guy wasn't really what she wanted she would start to remember how I treated her and she'd want to get back together.

Before it was an emotional rollercoaster for me but once I figured that out I had to tell her that I wasn't gonna be a puppy dog boyfriend that sits around waiting for her to show me attention.

When I met my wife though it was a whole different story, the whole time she pretended like she wasn't interested in me at all. After we married she told me she knew she was in love with me for the 1st time we met. So I asked her why in the world she didn't act like that when I was desperately trying to get her to go on a date with me. Her response was, I dunno.

 

[bgi39jsjw0ggg]

There's two possibilities here. One is that she wants to be "back together" with you, however you two define that. If that's the case, make a move and see what happens.

The other is that she's using you. She doesn't want to be alone, but she doesn't want to be dating you. I've been in this position before, and trust me - it NEVER works out for the person being used. If this is what's happening, then she's lonely and sees you as a safe way to get the emotional contact she wants without having to commit to you, and then she's free to enjoy the trappings of a relationship without having to give anything to you except for mixed messages and an eventual breakdown. She may not realize she's doing this, but if she DOES know and she's doing it anyway, she's a cold-heated bitch that you need to cut out of your life. If she doesn't know, then she could just be reverting back to a comfortable pattern without even realizing that she's confusing the hell out of you.

Basically, make a move and see what happens. If she's responsive, then great. If she's not, then you need to cut off contact because her behavior is toxic and will eat away at you bit by bit until you are nothing more than a hollow shell of what you used to be.