You are doing a wonderful job with this story. I was really hoping that readers would take my hint and give you a nomination for the NAPPY Award; you deserve to be at least a finalist.
I believe you meant to refer to Kelsey and Brittney.“Good, not that I expect any trouble out of anyone. I’ve got to say you did a good job with these room assignments, but are you sure you want those two together.” Coach Miles said gesturing to Raquel and Brittney who were sitting on the bed trying to figure out how the tv worked.
I believe you meant to refer to Kelsey and Brittney.
Just wanted to say I love this story and hope to see more soon! I haven't actually read the original, so this is all new for me. This latest update doesn't seem to bode well for Raquel!
Nicely handled. I think this worked better than the original, possibly due to the drug angle. Not so sure about the color-changing nails that react to LSD though: my first reaction was huh? And my second was: even if they did exist, why would she be wearing them? And my third: did she spill her punch all over her fingers?
Fixed the chapter title thanks for pointing that out.You labeled this one as Chapter 17, although this one was Chapter 17: https://www.adisc.org/forum/showthread.php/103319-Raquel-s-Wish?p=1436003&viewfull=1#post1436003
But agree with the above poster that the nails might work better if they were litmus style, react when the fingers are dipped in.
Very minor criticism here, but I just want to point out that you did seem a bit fuzzy on the effects of LSD. For one thing, it lasts around 8-12 hours and makes sleeping pretty much entirely impossible for the whole time, and I didn't really get the feeling that the sequence of events lasted quite that long. Another thing is that it's not physically addictive at all, so while someone could be abusing it, it wouldn't really be a drug problem in the same way that heroin or even alcohol would be. Also, usually it doesn't make people flirty and it usually increases energy if anything.
What you were talking about seems more like Rophypnol or something similar, usually called date rape drugs. That generally lowers inhibitions and decreases motor functions, as well as causing people to pass out (some of the motor function loss can last into the next day, which would also make a lot of sense if you wanted to sabotage a team). In addition, nail polish that can detect drugs like that is quite common, since it is much more commonly used to spike drinks. Some types of similar drugs can also be used recreationally and get people to be very addicted. All in all it just really seemed like someone had spiked it with something like that, since it all ties together much better.
Your writing (and this story in particular) is still great in general, it just seemed like you were talking about a different drug for that chapter.
yeah you're probably right. I wouldn't know the most hardcore thing I've ever done is a weed brownie. If I'm wrong about something it's most likely because I don't know any better, I only have experience with people that are addicted.