Questioning my sexual orientation and need advice

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clatter187

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I understand that this has been done before, but I really need advice.

First off I want to say that many here probably don't know me as I am relatively shy and do not post much and prefer to read the forums without posting.

Anyway, I need advice on figuring out my sexual orientation as I have been questioning it for quite some time and its freaking me out.

This is how it is: I have always considered myself to be straight and I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend or sexual experience before so I have no background to help me figure it out. All I know is that I only get aroused by male furry porn. Human male porn does not do it for me at all and actually freaks me out a bit (I have nothing against it, its just not for me). Whenever I think of my future I always think of myself being married to a woman and having kids and those two values are very important to me. But I cannot get aroused thinking about women at all. Sometimes there is a little stirring when I see a good looking woman but never anything that can be classified as "turned on". I never get turned on by males in real life.

When I was in my early teens I tried rationalizing liking male furry porn by thinking that "doing the deed" is a very male orientated activity centered around the penis. I do not have any problem with gay people but if I turn out to be gay it will be quite a shocker and I don't know if I can deal. I have been denying that possibility for quite some time but at this point, I don't know what to think.

Please give me your thoughts and opinions about this as I really need some good advice and everyone here seems to be really smart and considerate.
 

FluffyFluffers

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Eh, You just like that type of porn. And about the not finding women sexual... I don't find anyone sexual arousing till I get er...er with them.

I'm gay. Girl and guy sex repulses me but I find drawn furry pictures to be "arousing" but the real act disgusts me.

God, My post sounds so inappropriate.
 

AEsahaettr

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From my own time in the closet (I'm bi), there were two things that I saw in me that I encourage other people questioning to look for in themselves. First, it's always possible that you know what you are, but you're not ready to admit it to yourself yet. Second, and as something of a corollary, it's easier than you think to deceive yourself about what you are by rationalization. You even used the word rationalizing- which personally, I tend to take as code for lying to yourself.

Ever hear the occasional story of a breadwinning husband and father figuring out he's gay when he's in his mid-50s? Most the time, that guy didn't just have an epiphany all of a sudden. He finally came clean to himself about what he really was. I was similar. I *knew* I was straight. How? Well, I liked girls (and I did, really). But I had this problem of being attracted to semen, and and enjoyed being a bottom. So I said I was straight, but just kinky. Ultimately? It was bull. I just didn't have the guts to admit it until I went to college, and made friends who were bi and open about it. The first step was admitting it to myself. Then came admitting it to others.

Now is this the same for you? Maybe, maybe not. The point I want to try to get across is that you seem to know things you like (furry porn) and things you don't like (men). However, the first of those you're still a bit hung up on, and it seems at odds with you're wanting to be attracted to women. Well, my response is that it's possible to be both. You seem to be in a position of forcing yourself to choose what thing you like. I'd suggest you stop viewing it that way. You're putting yourself under so much pressure to be sexually attracted to girls that I'd hazard it's impossible to know if you truly are, or if you're forcing yourself to see the world through those glasses.

So after you stop... and breathe...

[No, seriously. Breathe.]

I'd start looking at things with what you do know. What is it about furry porn you like (keeping things decent- we're not a fap forum)? I think that's the thing you understand best, and what you should get in touch with. Then you can start to extrapolate.

If you want a similar example in my life, I'm transgender. Part of how I settled on that is the fact that, well, I like ogling girls. But rarely am I saying "Wow, would love to bed her." I was usually imagining myself being her, or another girl and perhaps she was a friend of mine. Something along those lines.
 

GoldDragonAurkarm

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NightFox has some good stuff there.

The thing I always tell people is that the proof is in the porn.

Here's the thing-the porn and the response to the porn is pretty much the only thing that can't really be overridden by social conditioning, religious pressure, or all the other crap that's out there. I completely understand the idea of seeing yourself with a wife and family, as that's something I "saw" in my future when I was in my teens and early 20s. And why not? Society still puts forth this idea that everyone is supposed to find one mate of the opposite sex and have children with them and live in a nice house in the suburbs. So many movies have at least one sub-plot focusing around finding a true (and always opposite-sexed) love.

When I was in my teens and early 20s (I didn't come out until I was 25, and I refused to even consider that I was gay until I was 22), I saw myself finding a wife and having kids and having a nice house in the suburbs, even though the very idea of "relations" with a woman creeped me the fuck out. I never imagined at 19 that 10 years on, I'd be three years into a relationship with a man, have two cats, be able to have conversations about home renovation projects, and have a classic Lincoln with my male partner. I suppose, though, I did get the house in the suburbs thing right anyways. This outcome is certainly better for me than the one I previously saw. At that point in time, though, I didn't allow myself to consider that there were alternatives to wife/family/suburbs.

For the moment, I think you can gloss over the fact that all of your porn interests are furry porn, but I think you need to give some serious consideration to the male aspect of that porn. Take some time and consider your ability to bond with someone romantically, your ability to *love* someone. Leave the sexual angle out of it at first. I would imagine that although right now you're saying that, "I could never love a man", that you probably can. Think about who you'd want to spend your time, your life with. Think further than wife/kids/suburbs and think into what goes into that. Think about who you'd want to be with when you're redoing the foyer of your house. Think about who you'd want to be with when you're going for a Sunday drive. Think about who you'd want to be with in the grocery store when you're thinking about what things you need to buy and what you want to make for dinner.

I'm not going to tell you you're straight, bi, gay, or anything else. I will strongly urge you to challenge your present notions of what your future might hold, challenge the idea of wife/kids/suburbs, and consider what your instincts, your sexual drive that runs on auto-pilot, the porn, is telling you.
 

Draugr

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You're kind of in my place.

With humans, I'm 100% hetero. I've got zero interest in any sort of homosexual relationship, and I'd say maybe a small, but not obsessive desire for female companionship and everything that implies. I say small/non-obsessive because some of my male coworkers can only ever seem to think about sex, and that's not something that just dominates my mind at all hours of the day. And I don't just mean the sex aspects either, as I said at the beginning of this paragraph - I've get zero interest in a sexual/romantic/etc relationship with the same gender.

When I imagine myself as a furry, however - completely gay. Submissive - in the EXTREME sense, in that most of my imagined scenarios I'm literally owned by someone. ALWAYS a bottom. (All of that is very opposite of me IRL). I love all kinds of furry porn - gay, straight, bi, and all sorts of twisted fetishes - but the gay furry porn though is what really gets me going. Real, human gay porn? Blech. It's a turn-off.

I finally decided that:

A) Imaginary creatures in imaginary scenarios turning you on has ZERO relevance to your ACTUAL sexuality, and
B) If I, or someone else, isn't totally convinced of that, it doesn't really fucking matter. I like porn of imaginary male, canine, anthropomorphic characters fucking each other in the ass, and any relationship, short-term or long-term, that I'm ever to have in this real world, will be with a real human woman. If there's no word for that, there's no word for that.

If I end up thinking that means I'm "bi" or "gay" or whatever, rather than "straight," then so be it. Doesn't really make any difference. I know I'm straight, if you don't really feel that applies to you, don't let it bother you. You've got a fucked-up sexuality (like me, that's meant to be humorous, not derogatory), and it's not going to fit very well into the nice little labeled boxes. And no, I'm not one of these pseudo-hippie "labels suck, man, they're for the weak-minded" idiots. Labels are great when used correctly and they allow us to get a general idea of a person as long as we don't let that "idea" become rigid and unchangeable. I like being able to put a stamp on something, so for me, answering this question was very important. And as I said at the top, I finally decided that enjoying images of imaginary male caniform characters (yes, it's that specific - other families of species don't do much for me) fucking each other in the ass (among other delicious acts) does not make me gay. It's what I do, and what I want to do in real life that determines my sexuality.

I've never had a real relationship, anything that I could honestly classify other than a "fling." I've never had sex, and that doesn't bother me any. However, thinking about relations with a real female turns me on. If it's not doing the same for you, do as others have said - imagine yourself in that situation with a male. If you can't, or you don't get an answer from doing that (same disinterested feelings with male/female) I suppose you could be asexual, or you could be a late bloomer, like me. I didn't really start getting aroused by females until long after sexual maturity. Just sit on it awhile and come back to it later.

Try to look at yourself objectively. If you think you're responding to familial/societal pressure to conform to what is "acceptable," you need to sit on things for awhile until you can get some kind of emotional reaction to the idea of a future with wife, family, kids, etc. No emotional reaction is something I had for awhile. Then a switch flipped, or something, now I do want a wife. I don't just see it in my future, I have positive feelings when imagining that, feelings separate from societal and familial pressures. I'd also be happy with bachelorism :3.

I don't agree, as xbabyx put it, that "the proof is in the porn," but it can at least be an indicator. It probably means something, but it does not in all cases.
 
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LittleDrummerGirl

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I'm questioning myself to; But I haven't even decided in the first place. I would think of the male furry porn as furry porn. I don't think that makes you gay. Just keep going as you normally do; don't think about that and the answers will come eventually.
 
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ShortGuy

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Nice to know that i´m not the only one feeling like this.

I am also considering myself straight in the human world, but I find male furry porn very arousing (not exclusive, almost all furry porn turns me on;) ).
I have come to terms with this (many years in doubt/confusion), and I am finally comfortable with myself regarding that part atleast.
Now onto other things like my percieved height issue :)
 

tuscan

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I have never really been able to comprehend peoples hang-ups about their sexuality, perhaps that's because I think everyone is Bi to a greater or lesser extent. Personally I have been in a hetero relationship for more than thirty years, but I can't say that I am aroused by either gender, I only really get attracted to people with whom I have developed a deep and trusting friendship and that can be with either gender. As far as pornography goes I find both gay and hetero porn exploitative and as such it doesn't really do much for me, I do find the drawn stuff quite erotic though regardless of its subject, even if the subject matter is something that would be a complete turn off for me in real life. So I would not worry if the things you find exciting are not the sort of things you thought would do it for you, I am sure you will in the fullness of time find a partner (regardless of gender) who you are completely comfortable with. There is a saying round here "God makes'em and God pairs 'em" and I am sure it is tue.
 
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I don't think you should even care what your orientation is in terms of how to describe it to others. If a red ball turns you on it turns you on. If there is only one red ball that turns you on well then that is what it is. Just be honest with yourself and love yourself no mater what it is that makes you happy.
 
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PrettyFox

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My question is... why does it matter what sexual orientation you are? Don't label yourself as one... find someone you love and love them. I've been considering myself gay for some time now but lately I've been having a few doubts, but I know that I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, and I know that even if I do turn out to be sexually attracted to women I'll still love him.

I honestly think that sexual attraction and general attraction are two different things :\
 
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Asher

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NightFox, xbabyx, and Draugr all brought up some excellent points. Two years ago, I was asking very similar questions to what you were asking. It wasn't until my first year of college until I realized my bisexuality was okay. Before I finish this post, let me touch on some other points brought on in this thread:

I have never really been able to comprehend peoples hang-ups about their sexuality, perhaps that's because I think everyone is Bi to a greater or lesser extent. Personally I have been in a hetero relationship for more than thirty years, but I can't say that I am aroused by either gender, I only really get attracted to people with whom I have developed a deep and trusting friendship and that can be with either gender. As far as pornography goes I find both gay and hetero porn exploitative and as such it doesn't really do much for me, I do find the drawn stuff quite erotic though regardless of its subject, even if the subject matter is something that would be a complete turn off for me in real life. So I would not worry if the things you find exciting are not the sort of things you thought would do it for you, I am sure you will in the fullness of time find a partner (regardless of gender) who you are completely comfortable with. There is a saying round here "God makes'em and God pairs 'em" and I am sure it is true.
It's interesting that you brought up the "everyone is bi to some extent" hypothesis. For a long time, I considered this true; however, as I continue through college, I have to say that I have to disagree with it. Sexuality is a confusing thing; that's why a lot of GLTBQQ end up having "hang-ups" about it. Once you diverge from the norm in society (the norm being heteronormality), confusion grows; thus, a "hang-up" will originate because its not what an individual is used to.

My question is... why does it matter what sexual orientation you are? Don't label yourself as one... find someone you love and love them. I've been considering myself gay for some time now but lately I've been having a few doubts, but I know that I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, and I know that even if I do turn out to be sexually attracted to women I'll still love him.

I honestly think that sexual attraction and general attraction are two different things :\
You are quite right, PrettyFox; there is a difference between sexual attraction and "general" (or romantic) love. That's why some people consider themselves "biromantic" or "heteromantic," while they are sexually attracted to men, women, both, none, etc.

The truth is clatter 187: no matter what you are or what you chose to identify as, you are fine just the way you are. As human beings, we all go through some form of questioning one's identity. The question you ask is one that might take a while to conclude; you probably won't get an answer for a while (and that's fine!). Just keep thinking about it, and you should be okay :)
 

Gingy

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Sounds like my past actually. Just give it time. You don't quite need to classify yourself into a group yet...
 

EvaIlyxtra

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Sexual orientation is a very complex situation that may be a different case for everybody. It can vary by age, preference, sexual attraction, emotional attraction, or lack thereof. Honestly, there are hundreds of ways you can describe yourself and at the end of the day you'll probably still have small doubts in your head. I myself identify at the time being as gay but have kept the door open to any potential possibilities in the future. Porn is a very confusing way to determine sexual orientation because it satisfies the psychological mindset and turns you on accordingly, but in some cases there can be underlying factors or multiple factors that can turn you on. Furry porn is tricky because there is not only the male on male contact but also the act of two animals procreating, BDSM, S&M, etc. To be perfectly honest you won't really know until you know but answering the question only takes away the time to just live and let live. Its human instinct to just go with the flow and get on the prowl if one is attracted to another. My advice is to just don't put too much worry in your head because at the end of the day as long as you appreciate yourself for who you are you'll be just fine.
 

AEsahaettr

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My question is... why does it matter what sexual orientation you are? Don't label yourself as one... find someone you love and love them.
I'm for the standpoint that all people are individuals. Take me:

  • I'm sexually, romantically attracted to women.
  • I'm a biological male.
  • I'm an MtF non-op transgender.
  • I'm attracted to men, but only as a woman. Imagining myself sexually with another man is neither a turn on nor a turn-off. Imagining myself with a man but as a woman, I'm really attracted.
  • When I was younger (middle school/high school), I was sexually attracted to other guys way sooner than to girls.
  • I'm into bestiality (hey, this is the mature forum), but as with men, the fantasies only work if I project myself into a woman's body.
  • I'm a DL (as a male and a female).
  • I'm an AB (strictly as a female).
  • I'm into incest, provided that consent is provided (ie, non-pedophilic).
  • I'm sure there are more components that I'm forgetting, and for sake of brevity, will choose to just omit.

So if you HAD to peg me as something, the best option is probably bisexual transgender. However, that's an imperfect description as my gender identity heavily influences my sexual identity. There are also numerous aspects of my sexual identity that fall outside the scope of those terms. While my attraction to (say) diapers may have less of an impact on my day-to-day life as does my attraction to women, it's no less an important part of who I am as an inherently sexual being. But when it comes up in an in-person conversation with a friend that I'm not straight, what am I going to do? Whip out the above bulleted list and painstakingly explain all the ins and outs to someone? No, I just say that I'm bisexual. If the person is curious for more, I give more, but only what I'm asked for or what seems relevant. If I seem to have a lot of trust built up, I also allow the information that I'm transgender (again, with emendations as appropriate). I can't recall ever being in a situation where revealing to someone my various other kinks seemed appropriate at the moment (aside from telling my fiancee, of course).

So ultimately, I'm not bisexual, or transgender. I'm me, and that's the only way to express everything succinctly. However, as long as we live in a heteronormative society, social interaction tends to require that we have a shorthand form of expressing our sexual identities. I don't like it, but it's reality.

When I was closeted, I never feared being attracted to men. What I feared was what I was going to project to society after I left my front door. I have the right to love who I want and to express it how I want. But the fact remains that the expressing component thereof will affect how we're judged, rightly or wrongly, for better or for worse. For this reason, I think it's important for us to understand who we are and accept ourselves for that. Then find a way that we can confidently express it without apology or regret. Isn't that what the freedom of expression is all about?
 
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PrettyFox

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I'm for the standpoint that all people are individuals. Take me:

  • I'm sexually, romantically attracted to women.
  • I'm a biological male.
  • I'm an MtF non-op transgender.
  • I'm attracted to men, but only as a woman. Imagining myself sexually with another man is neither a turn on nor a turn-off. Imagining myself with a man but as a woman, I'm really attracted.
  • When I was younger (middle school/high school), I was sexually attracted to other guys way sooner than to girls.
  • I'm into bestiality (hey, this is the mature forum), but as with men, the fantasies only work if I project myself into a woman's body.
  • I'm a DL (as a male and a female).
  • I'm an AB (strictly as a female).
  • I'm into incest, provided that consent is provided (ie, non-pedophilic).
  • I'm sure there are more components that I'm forgetting, and for sake of brevity, will choose to just omit.

So if you HAD to peg me as something, the best option is probably bisexual transgender. However, that's an imperfect description as my gender identity heavily influences my sexual identity. There are also numerous aspects of my sexual identity that fall outside the scope of those terms. While my attraction to (say) diapers may have less of an impact on my day-to-day life as does my attraction to women, it's no less an important part of who I am as an inherently sexual being. But when it comes up in an in-person conversation with a friend that I'm not straight, what am I going to do? Whip out the above bulleted list and painstakingly explain all the ins and outs to someone? No, I just say that I'm bisexual. If the person is curious for more, I give more, but only what I'm asked for or what seems relevant. If I seem to have a lot of trust built up, I also allow the information that I'm transgender (again, with emendations as appropriate). I can't recall ever being in a situation where revealing to someone my various other kinks seemed appropriate at the moment (aside from telling my fiancee, of course).

So ultimately, I'm not bisexual, or transgender. I'm me, and that's the only way to express everything succinctly. However, as long as we live in a heteronormative society, social interaction tends to require that we have a shorthand form of expressing our sexual identities. I don't like it, but it's reality.

When I was closeted, I never feared being attracted to men. What I feared was what I was going to project to society after I left my front door. I have the right to love who I want and to express it how I want. But the fact remains that the expressing component thereof will affect how we're judged, rightly or wrongly, for better or for worse. For this reason, I think it's important for us to understand who we are and accept ourselves for that. Then find a way that we can confidently express it without apology or regret. Isn't that what the freedom of expression is all about?
>.< I'm not sure if you're agreeing with what I was saying or if you disagree or if you're just neutral on the subject...
 

AEsahaettr

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>.< I'm not sure if you're agreeing with what I was saying or if you disagree or if you're just neutral on the subject...
Not really agreeing or disagreeing so much as taking part of your post and commenting on it more at length. I edited my quote of you to make it more clear what part of your post I was referring to.
 

PrettyFox

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Not really agreeing or disagreeing so much as taking part of your post and commenting on it more at length. I edited my quote of you to make it more clear what part of your post I was referring to.
Ahh ok.. that clears up some confusion :p
 

tinyfish

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I understand that this has been done before, but I really need advice.

First off I want to say that many here probably don't know me as I am relatively shy and do not post much and prefer to read the forums without posting.

Anyway, I need advice on figuring out my sexual orientation as I have been questioning it for quite some time and its freaking me out.

This is how it is: I have always considered myself to be straight and I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend or sexual experience before so I have no background to help me figure it out. All I know is that I only get aroused by male furry porn. Human male porn does not do it for me at all and actually freaks me out a bit (I have nothing against it, its just not for me). Whenever I think of my future I always think of myself being married to a woman and having kids and those two values are very important to me. But I cannot get aroused thinking about women at all. Sometimes there is a little stirring when I see a good looking woman but never anything that can be classified as "turned on". I never get turned on by males in real life.

When I was in my early teens I tried rationalizing liking male furry porn by thinking that "doing the deed" is a very male orientated activity centered around the penis. I do not have any problem with gay people but if I turn out to be gay it will be quite a shocker and I don't know if I can deal. I have been denying that possibility for quite some time but at this point, I don't know what to think.

Please give me your thoughts and opinions about this as I really need some good advice and everyone here seems to be really smart and considerate.
A lot of people have already given you the one best piece of advice, which is go easy on yourself, keep an open mind and take your time. Accepting that you actually *are* something you think is unacceptable is difficult and stressful; you're trying to deal with it and that's a great start. I like the Buddhist saying: "Seek not to find the answer, but to learn to live with the question."

I'm bi; I never really had trouble accepting it, but then I'm not the kind of person who gives a damn what people think anyway, and I didn't have a religious upbringing. The way I see it, attraction for me doesn't start with the body, it starts with the mind - if I meet someone whose personality I like and respond to, then I'm lucky enough in how my physical attractions work that I can take the body they have as part of the deal and enjoy the sex I get out of it.

My partner is a whole different issue. He has the weirdest taste in porn, and a lot of the time the thought of "ordinary" sex actually freaks him out and disgusts him. He doesn't really have a label to put on his sexuality, he has a lot of trouble working out if there's any particular type of person he goes for; but he met me, and we clicked, and when it comes to him and me actually doing the deed he likes it fine. So we leave it at that. I've known other guys with similar issues as well - including a straight guy who had a phobia about body fluids, but found he was fine about them when he was with the one girl he really had feelings for.

So; what turns you on when you're all up inside your own head and what turns you on when you're actually there with someone aren't always completely the same. It can really make a huge difference to how you respond physically if you're with someone you care about and feel safe with. Internet porn is one way to learn what *some* of your turnons are, and much of what you learn from your most basic instincts really is valuable information, as xbabyx said. But porn is never going to tell you every last little thing about your sexuality; who you are and how you work is part of it as well.
 

tomjenzelda

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Like I said on another posting, just don't come onto me, and everything will be fine.no offence.
 

clatter187

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Thanks to all who have posted. I'm glad that many of you have told me to stop thinking about it so much and just let the answer reveal itself as time goes on. I have always been a person that seeks information and answers and it is hard not having one about this subject at the moment but I guess I just have to live with that for now.

The parts that bother me the most about sexual orientation are:

1. If I do turn out to be gay..... What will my family and friends think?
Now I believe I have a relatively understanding family but I would be worried about if they would see me differently and treat me differently. I doubt they would be mad or upset but it would be awkward for awhile and I'm worried about the status of my relationships with others.

2. The future.......
This is the thing that worries me the most. As I have said before, ever since I was little I imagined myself with a wife and kids, not because that's the norm but because it's want I genuinely want. If I did turn out to be gay My whole image for my future will change.... How I live and how people see me will be completely different. This is a scary thing and that's probably why I'm so concerned with finding out what my orientation is.

So I guess I'll just have to wait and see but my main concern now is to get my mind off this subject as I don't want it to bother me anymore. Besides, I'll be in college soon and chances are I'll figure out everything there.........
 
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