Psychosomatic incontinence from torture history: I prayed and the answer was diaper training

travel

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I have seen enough of this general part of the internet to know there are people who write stories as if they are truth, to get their rocks off or whatever else. (Have you ever looked at Quora....?) This is my general disclaimer that I am not writing a story- but I also concede that I will not be providing exact details here for several reasons.
1) I do not think this is something to emulate or copy or direction to follow.
2) I doubly do not think people with the fetish of incontinence or wearing diapers should think what I've done will make them happy like it's made me happy. I don't even think people with medical incontinence !!!including psychosomatic incontinence!!! should think what I've done will make them happy or be the right choice.
3) I do not think just wearing diapers or using diapers 24/7 will automatically make you incontinent. I do not think my situation is almost anyone else's situation.
4) I work a normal and socially involved job and have a normal and socially involved life. I don't want to be doxed. You're not going to get pictures, doctor's documentation, any real evidence or proof, nothing but my word here.
5) I am very Christian and it is going to show in my writing because it is such a big part of my life and choices. Again, I do not think that everyone thinks or makes choices the same way as me, or that they should do what I did.

I am a 20-something male in the USA.

I experienced torture as a small child for several years until I was removed from the house and raised by other relatives in a typical house in a typical way. I am lucky to have received counseling (weekly for over a decade) and support from an early age and really did not have difficulties in school or making friends or anything as a child. However leaving the nest and becoming an adult was some sort of catalyst. I have not had any traditional/common mental health symptoms: no depression, no anxiety, no bad thoughts. What I have had was troubling neurological symptoms. I went to the doctor who sent me to a neurologist. The neurologist did lots of tests that cost lots of money. They did NOT say there was nothing wrong or even mention the chance of it being psychosomatic: they said it must actually be in the realm of urology. So I went to the urologist and they were finding some vague signs of something bad, so they sent me to a different specialist urologist. The specialist said it was in the realm of neurology and sent me to a different neurologist. They were thinking it could be something rare and scary and perhaps deadly, like a rare cancer or multiple sclerosis. So more tests. I was getting very fed up at the lack of any help or answers and the cost of all these tests. I did ask the doctors if it was in my head. They all told me NO and that that was something don't see in people like me, with the education and job and personality that I have. I finally told the neurologist in depth about my torture history and that I MYSELF thought this was psych related and did not want to have exploratory surgery. He told me that yes, people who aren't anxious attention-seeking women CAN get psychosomatic illnesses: It was worth going back to therapy to see if that helped.

I went to more therapists but they did not have anything to say to me and did not believe it was psychosomatic, again because of my good personality and the sort of work I do. This period was not like a few therapy appointments. This stage was almost 2 years and 3 therapists. They think my lack of anxiety is a good thing, but I think it is actually la belle indifference- this is something that happens with psychosomatic illness, because on some level your body is aware that you aren't ACTUALLY dying of cancer or blinded or whatever, so it doesn't worry you. I told them this, and they said it couldn't be because I am so smart. I don't think it works like that..........

I talked to my best friends, who immediately said they believed me that it was psychosomatic. They said they believed this because of my incredibly, extraordinarily, immense capacity for repression. I have told them some details about the torture I experienced. They all say it is extremely and immediately concerning for someone to have experienced those things but seem so "normal" and "unbothered." They told me this must be the only way for my body to express the pain and horror that happened. It really started to make sense to me.

Finally I started praying (should have been the first stop, really). A lot of things come to me through prayer that I cannot think about otherwise. It is true that I am a highly repressed person and so sometimes it really helps for me to ask God so I can hear it through Him. I was really upset at what I heard. It took me several weeks of processing. I needed to fully commit to wearing diapers, and maybe someday I would heal psychologically and not wear diapers anymore: but if I rejected the need to wear diapers, I was shutting the door on psychological healing. The diapers were the first step at admitting the psychological damage of torture in my life.
"Maybe someday?" I said. Only "maybe someday" I won't have to wear diapers?
I did not take this well, and I did all the physical therapy in the world, used TENS device, Kegels, the whole nine yards, and within a few months, I stopped having issues. Then I started having many life difficulties. I prayed again, What do I need to do to stop this sudden downwards spiral? Again, it took several weeks of praying for me to process the answer: use diapers. I cried some nights. Why does God want me to wear diapers? People will think I am an ABDL for wearing diapers "by choice." I do not have any guarantee of when I will be able to stop.

Now I am trying to work up the courage to buy more diapers and go back to them. I am not so fighty.... I think I have to at least try.

And the story again, with all the diaper details included:

I started peeing on myself randomly. It started with very sudden and public accidents- a lot at once, not a little, and no warning, no sense of urge. It came on very quickly, not gradually. This is a big red flag so the doctor sent me to neurologists. I stuffed towels down my pants for a few days until I bought a big case of Prevail pull-ups. They sucked and would hardly hold one accident. I was having so many accidents where I wet my pants through the pull-ups, I had to take time off work, and if I did go anywhere, I had to bring a change of clothes and several pull-ups. Pull-ups suck. I wore them for about six months.

I eventually graduated to real diapers and bought the best of the best I could find, Abena M-4s. Yes they worked very well. They were so massive and so costly I really hated it. I tried a few diaper brands and settled on Seni Super Plus, which used to cost 70 dollars for 75 diapers, but now costs 80 dollars. This was still like 3.5 dollars a day. It's not easy for me to find an extra 100+ a month to spend..... I wore these for 2+ years, during most of the neurologist and therapist saga. I also bought cloth pocket-style diapers. They were okay at home, but too much hassle in public for me.

When I decided against diapers, I actually used Depends Mens while I was potty training, which are still better than the terrible Prevail pullups. Potty training as an adult sucks. I really was only using diapers for pee, and had very, very little control over when I had accidents, and wet day and night. The bedwetting actually stopped first, the hardest thing for me was how my bladder tried to make me pee every time I stood up after sitting for a while.

When I start wearing diapers again (soon), I predict the decontioning process will be many times faster, since I already decontioned once before. Even after potty training as an adult, things have never been the same exactly- it never used to take so much conscious thought to not pee on myself. My guess is that within three days I will be having accidents without even knowing, and within two weeks I will have accidents even if I don't wear diapers, and within the month I will start bedwetting again. After a while you stop "flooding" and your bladder capacity decreases a lot and you pee like 25 times a day without hardly thinking- I think I will be back to this point within 6 months. It's staying at this stage that, I personally believed, caused my residual effects even after re-potty-training. I really don't think lasting residual effects can happen from people who do "24 hours in diapers" or "1 week in diapers" even if, at the end of 1 week in diapers, they're really used to only peeing in diapers.

Disposable diapers are still too expensive for me now. I want to be a cloth person, but cloth diapers are so bulky.... I think it's just a matter of finding the right one, but I have such a hard time buying this stuff....

Writing this all is like therapy for me. Thanks everyone. Feel free to ask questions.
Again I will say that this was never an intentional experience and I never chose to have accidents and I never in a million years thought this would be my life. True psychosomatic illness is hell, is an illness, and I do not wish the torture and confusion on anyone. People who like diapers or the concept of incontinence should not try to become incontinent and it's totally possible to stay in diapers 24/7 and not become incontinent.
 

Happy2BeInNappies2

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We must all travel through time @travel if we were outside it, we would see the end of the story of our lives and just not the beginning up to the point in history that we are presently at.

I am weak at hearing and then doing what I am asked to do, on most occasions.
But oh, if I do, He can bring something good from any experience, even the bad ones.

As I approach the end of my earth time, most of what has happened to me is making more sense now. My weakness and slight incontinence, qualify me to be here, to support people in their journey of life.
We may all have to wait and come to the end of our human existence, to understand all the "Whys?" of our lives.

He makes it clear to me that the good that He brings is mainly for the benefit of others, not just for myself.
Thank for sharing your story travel.

God bless you.
 
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