Potential for relationships

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PostTenebrasLux

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I'm writing this without really having thought it all the way through, but I felt the inkling of a good conversation, and although I haven't slept in a long time, I'm going to take a stab at this.

I was wondering about what role infantilism plays in estimates of whether or not to pursue a relationship.

I have a friend; we get along well, and I've always kind of liked her, but I know her well enough that I can tell it'd be a rough go--we might be friends, but to try to be more might be tough. I know there are things about me that kind of bother her, but I also feel like I can make her feel good (similar senses of humor and such). Overall, I pretty much discount this one...being an AB/DL certainly contributes to that prediction.

Generally, I'd say, "look for a better fit", but in this case, I get the impression that there's an off chance I could make her happy. And I kind of want to try. I also get the feeling that I could be happy being around her without necessarily involving infantilism. Easy to say that now though... She's attractive, but much of my 'attraction' is colored by my AB/DL side. Not sure how she'd jive with that.

Reflecting on that, I decided to bring it to ADISC:

For those of us that are single, or have vivid memories of singledom or even loneliness, how do we see our own potential as mates, as people capable of producing happiness in others? Do we back down or go for it? Or more importantly, is it a matter of confidence or sensibility?

I know we're often concerned about finding happiness ourselves--and rightly so--we deserve it! But I'm beginning to entertain the notion that being a source of happiness for someone might help attenuate the sometimes powerful, obstructive desires I have.

What are your thoughts on finding someone who makes you happy without indulging your AB side (or knowing about it), and on making her or him happy? Is it enough to be able to please them and to enjoy them? Or should I count on trying to be a square peg in a round hole?
 

Point

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I would tell my future mate about this side of me and leave it up to them to experiment. I'm just worried that they'd be scared by it...
 

Ultima

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I believe that in no way you should make her reaction to your fetish a factor in the relationship. I could go the rest of my life and never have a *B/DL experience with my spouse. I mean I may eventually tell her about it and gauge her reaction. But depending on how she DOES react, I may never bring it up again. If she makes you happy without the fetish, then there shouldn't be any contemplation on whether or not you should pursue a relationship. There are many many other ways to be happy (even sexually) without *B/DL practices.

All in all I say try things with this girl, without worrying about your *B/DL side interfering. Just try to gain a solid emotional relationship with her. And then if things ever get to the point of that, mention it to her. Don't seem pushy with it, make it clear to her that you only want to do it if SHE wants to. Despite how much fun it is, you CAN live without diapers and the such. And with something as simplistic as a fetish, you shouldn't let it influence ANY major decision.
 
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Aidy

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I think that, if you have fun, she's nice and you have some attraction to her just go with the relationship. She's not part of your *bdl side so it shouldn't really have an effect. Dont' forget that, down the track, there is a chance you'll move on from this hobby. I didn't really have anything to do with *bdl for over 8 months of the last year. It isn't even a big urge right now... I'm just bored.

From experience, if you like a girl, go for her. I've had 3 brilliant girls who I really wanted to go out with, have a relationship, and I ruined it by waiting. They got annoyed with waiting for me and I lost my opportunity. I never make the same mistake now.

Or... you could always second guess yourself and wait 5 or 6 years to figure this out for yourself like I did.
 

Squigma

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Well, I know very, very little about relationships. But I do know (or, at the very least, I think I know) what I would like from one. And while one think I obviously seek out in a partner is the ability to give and receive happiness with me, another thing that's very important is the ability to try out my various kinks/fetishes with. But then, this is just me - I'm more than a little confused about what does and doesn't turn me on, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't really enjoy a "regular" sexual relationship. So I need to experiement, and I can't really do that by myself.

Having said that though, being sure they'd accept AB/DLness isn't a requirement as such. As long as someone is very open minded and willing to experiment, that'd probably be fine for me.

But this is just me. Many other people may be perfectly happy with something a bit more "normal". If this is the case, I'd advise you to just aim for general happiness rather than trying to get someone who'll accept your AB/DL side. And if it goes well for a while and you think they'll be accepting, you can always share it with them.

That's all I have to say here. But I can't shake the feeling I've completely missed your point. You used long words I couldn't understand. :p
 

PostTenebrasLux

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Thanks for the input, everyone. I'll have to think about it a bit more. At this point, I'm siding with 'no go'...I don't think she'd react well to my ab/dl side, and my 'normal' side is nearly non-existent. It'd be too hard to hide, and too hard to fake a normal relationship.

Right now my brain's a mile away though. Maybe later when my wits are back I can come back to this.

Just used to being on my own, and it'd be a large adjustment to have someone else in my outside-of-work life, regardless of romantic status. Perhaps that's the issue, rather than infantilism.
 
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Well I hate to be the negative one here but I would never be with a any girl if she did not at least accept my ab/dl side. Meaning let me do it when I want. Of course she would not have to be involved but it would be hard if she did not.

I know that most like 90% of people would shun being a dl and being a ab, which is why my mind is full prepared to live a life lonley and single. I would rather be lonley all my life than be with a someone who supposedly "loves" me when they do not even accept everything about my personality and sexual side.

If you think you can be with a girl who wants nothing to do with it, then so be it, others have done it, but a life in secrecy or shame is not the life I want to live.
 

Maverick

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I try not to consider my TB/DL side a big factor in my personality. I have many other traits, too. However, I'm not attracted to sex at all; I'm actually disgusted by it. The only thing that turns me on is TB/DL-ism. Of course, this could change as I get older, but if it doesn't, then I'll probably need my partner to accept my *B/DL-ism. If I don't start liking sex soon, then I'll probably never have a girlfriend, because sex is almost always required in a relationship.
 

mizzycub

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To start this, I have never been in a relationship. I don't really understand them. I have no idea how one would go, or if being in one would completely change how I would react. However, a relationship with someone is on my to do list, so I can try to speculate.

First I have to look at what I want from a relationship. From a sexual point of view it is weird. I am interested in an intimate sexual side to a relationship but it isn't some big thing for me and to be honest the sexual side to a relationship, for me at any rate, is more likely to be shaped by my kinks then my sexuality (which is, at the moment, undetermined).

From a relationship, I would also very much like the companionship. Having someone I am close to, someone I trust, and someone who feels the same about me. With my sexuality being small and rather confused it isn't powerful enough to make me want someone for that alone. A person who I would want to go out with would have to be someone I trusted, respected and really got on with - and most if not all the attraction would be emotional instead of sexual.

However, my kinks are part of me, both in their sexual and non sexual contexts, and I would also need someone who could be open about those. While these people exist, they are not everyone, and combined with my social skills I know that getting a relationship might be difficult. Before a relationship went too far I would tell someone about my kinks, and if they don't like them I couldn't be going out with them. If they can't accept me the way I am I can't cope with them.

Interest in *BDL probably does make relationships more difficult, but not impossible, as people on this site show. I am not certain about relationships in general but I haven't given up hope yet.
 

spacemanBEN

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Here are my thoughts; being an AB/DL (or indeed having any fetish) certainly does not help your chances at having a solid relationship, but also may not hurt your chances that much. It depends on how you handle infantilism and how much it consumes your sexuality. Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship, so if you only get turned on by AB/DL stuff, then having a good relationship is going to be hard. Even if your significant other agrees to engage in such activities, he/she will likely be offended by the fact that you are not turned on by them. So this is undoubtedly a complicating factor.

At the same time, it shouldn't hurt your relationship potential that much. Being an AB/DL should really only be a small part of who you are, and as long as you don't let it consume you, you are going to be capable of a successful relationship because you are capable of loving.

As for myself, I see infantilism as a bit of a hindrance for me. Up until recently, I saw it as a major complicating factor for my relationship potential, kind of like a fatal flaw of sorts. For many years, infantilism was the only thing that got me turned on, and this made a healthy relationship next to impossible. As of late, I've been working very hard at discovering other aspects of my sexuality and it seems to be working. This makes me feel more confident about being in a successful relationship down the road. The main determent keeping me from jumping into a relationship at this point is my confusion over my orientation, not infantilism, so I guess that's forward progress.
 

Rosy

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I certainly don't need AB/Dl things to be a part of my relationship for it to be successful, but some of my AB/DL habits spill over in to my normal life, such as thumb sucking or liking toys, and I think I would have a lot of trouble being with someone who did not accept that.

For me, ageplay is definitely a part of my personality: I don't mean that everything I do is affected by ageplay, I just mean that there is some part of me that is innately young and needy and kind of a mess, and I associated that part with the part of me that enjoys ageplay. I think, in a relationship, your whole personality needs to be acceptable to your partner, and therefore I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who didn't at least accept certain aspects of me, though they don't necessarily have to do anything about it.
 

g6s

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Its interesting reading people's perspectives on this matter. I don't pretend to be an expert but I've developed strong opinions and feelings on the subject that many will probably disagree with.

Truth be told, I've been in a relationship where the other person is accepting: even willing to try out the fetish, but I wasn't (or rather, am not) happy. Many people chastise me regularly for throwing away such a catch, one that is open to new things and will always be there. I just am not into it.

There's other people I am into that would definitely not accept any "different" aspect of me. Its not a deal breaker, but it certainly isn't something that I could partake in with them or around them. It doesn't matter to me though. They make me happy.

You have to ask yourself this question: What is going to make the most happy? Will hiding a small side of me really impair my life? Don't let anything slow you down pursuing a relationship, not even questions regarding your fetish/kink/lifestyle.

Don't worry, be happy?
 

Jussen

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I have the same issue too... Well, sort of.

There's this guy who barely knows what tbdlism is... I've been going out with for some time, and I've always wanted to cuddle with him in a somewhat tbdlist style lol :dunno: ? IE, not have to, at the very least, hide my tbdlism with him.

I've spoken to him about it once, very briefly, and I felt like I was going to be sick afterward. I don't know what to do :$ I think it's part of my nature to want to be coddled in a certain fashion, which I'm not so sure I can find with him. Ionno.

Very confused. :confused:
 
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For what it's worth, no diapers=no relationship. I'm not saying they HAVE to be into it, but unless they're totally open minded about it (as I know i'd be if someone I was into told me they were into something I just couldn't understand.... using my past as an example, bestiality) and wouldn't later on down the line decide to use it as a reason to split from me and/or tell everybody they know, I wouldn't want a relationship with them.


It's just a part of me, and I hide it enough already. If I had to worry about a life-mate finding out about it for the rest of my existance, hell no. I'd love to one day try and find a mate through one of those diaper sites that have personals, but unfortunately, i've discovered a good 8 in 10 or 9 in 10 are just batshit insane.

They either want to .... actually, no, let me just end it at 'batshit insane'. I don't need to cite examples, i'm sure everyone's known of or known about the types i'm thinking of.
 

Jussen

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For what it's worth, no diapers=no relationship. I'm not saying they HAVE to be into it, but unless they're totally open minded about it (as I know i'd be if someone I was into told me they were into something I just couldn't understand.... using my past as an example, bestiality) and wouldn't later on down the line decide to use it as a reason to split from me and/or tell everybody they know, I wouldn't want a relationship with them.


It's just a part of me, and I hide it enough already. If I had to worry about a life-mate finding out about it for the rest of my existance, hell no. I'd love to one day try and find a mate through one of those diaper sites that have personals, but unfortunately, i've discovered a good 8 in 10 or 9 in 10 are just batshit insane.

They either want to .... actually, no, let me just end it at 'batshit insane'. I don't need to cite examples, i'm sure everyone's known of or known about the types i'm thinking of.
Lol yus, not my exact wording, but I agree :sweatdrop:
 
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I consider it, but my first consiideration is whether I could have a long-term relationship with this person. If you can do that, then diapers become a question of what you are willing to give up for the relationship. For my part, I think love has to be total. I take an "I am who I am" stance. I've never gotten to the point in a relationship where it came up, but I think that any committment I make would have to include, at the very least, a recognition that I will wear when and where I want to, sometimes exposed and sometimes not and that this is acceptable; it's my house too. If I'm not being honest with myself, then I'm certainly not being honest with my significant other.
 

PostTenebrasLux

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Thanks for the responses to this thread, everyone. Very thought provoking remarks. I go back and forth with myself on this daily. Sometimes, I'm with the folks that say "hey it's all good--make it happen", and sometimes I'm with the folks that say "all or nothing--she likes it, or no go".

The more I think about it though, the largest obstacle seems to be anxiety, or fear. I believe 'normal' behaviors and desires reside somewhere deep inside (found this out one night after some serious partying back in college), but abl/dl me is soundly situated at the top. I think with the right person, this could be worked out, but not without good communication. And I don't think I'm ready to communicate yet.

Maybe I should hit the gym first, eh? Get super in shape, take down some bad guys...then I'm just mysterious, jaded...

I suppose it's like anything else: one day at a time. I think we shouldn't forget what we have to offer besides the standard assortment. I may not know her as well as I'd like, but I do know I can make her smile, and I like that, at the least. It's easy to slip into all or nothing thinking though. Won't see her again for a while, so I'll ponder for a while.
 
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