- Messages
- 74
- Age
- 28
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
So how do I start. with an introduction I guess. the amount of times I’ve written things like this in my personal diary wishing there was someone to listen. Just someone who understands the big lads needs and can fit them. But I guess everyone has to have a dream. Please forgive me if I repeat anything said on my profile info but I just want to tell you a bit about me. who I am what I am etc. I also hope I don’t go too far with this post and brake any rules because the last thing I want to do is offend anyone. I’m just telling it honestly how it is so I hope someone can relate.
So I’m 24 years old and live in the UK. I have had no eyesight since I was young. It’s a condition called Norrie disease. It’s a genetic condition past down from my mum’s side, from where we don’t know because no-one else in the family is blind. My elder brother was born blind too. see: https://norriedisease.org.uk/. My brother also got meningitis as a baby and later was diagnosed with autism, type 1 diabetes and epilepsy. My younger brother also has type 1. We’re a very close family, well me, my mum and brothers are anyway. I have other siblings from my father’s side I don’t get to see and none of us have anything to do with our father. I had a lot happen to me in my childhood but I’ll leave that to any questions you may want to ask. I’m sure you don’t want to read my whole life story haha.
anyway I came out when I was 16 but my family don’t and will never know about the other me. that’s an absolute must! I’ve always known he was there but still don’t know too much about him. I always felt the need to ware inflatables even before I hit puberty, though of course back then, I couldn’t understand anything about it and never really had an opportunity to do it past 5 or so. I was sent to a specialist boarding school when I was 12. It was meant to be a blind school but what with funding etc, it was more like a school for people who had a lot of other complex needs. A lot of them really were incontinent for example. they had a big crate of swim stuff at the pool they had there. They had this rubber life jacket thing that fastens around you really tight and sometimes I put it on with a lode of armbands. They didn’t have rubber rings sadly. You can imagine how it felt age 14 the first time I dressed up, and the mail life Gard who was about 28 helped me in to the flotation device. I always made out to people like it was just a laugh. Something I was doing repeatedly because I thought it was funny. Then I left for college and found it too embarrassing to look in to. It was only when I met my husband that he started getting me things, though he only joined in once right at the beginning of our relationship. I only really started feeling the conscious need for diapers when I was 12 or 13, which funnily enough was around the time I stopped wetting the bed. I didn’t dare take any at school though a mate of mine did a couple of times. I met my husband in late 2014 just after I’d had a breakdown. I was drinking a lot and smoking anything I could get my hands on at this point and he was really there for me in a big way. I had barely been out of another relationship 2 weeks. The bloke was the same age as my mum and worked at my old school. We had been together for 5 months and 2 weeks give or take. It didn’t go or end well. I was just 19 and my husband was 45 when we met. I moved all the way from the southwest to Newcastle upon Tyne to be with him. There was so much going on in the family at the time I ended up leaving home and marrying him within a year of our meeting. It was all very quick. Though our sex life was pretty good in the beginning, within a year it was basically non-existent. I tolerated not waring anything when things happened and it was fine. Not too thrilling for me but I was happy, so was he and it was enough. Though even then I would dress up when he was asleep and he was cool with that. The fact I could never dominate or even penetrate him sexually was a big issue for a long time. In fact though I know he loves and at least accepts me, a lot of comments he made to his mates for example, about how I “don’t know what to do with it”, that I can’t f*** him because I “just go soft”, really affected my already really low confidence. He used to call me baby arm because I’m apparently pretty well endowed. He used to play a song which went “I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky, I should be so lucky in love”. I can now never listen to and enjoy that song because it just hurts me. he only ever did it when he was drunk so of course it never happened. He even once told his cousin and sister I “go soft” on 2 different occasions. I just had to try it. why couldn’t I try it again? Yet again? Each time we tried it was the same and in the end it just stopped. Over the past few years his comments have completely stopped but I can’t just forget what was said. I just can’t physically do it and sexually I can only be who I am. A big soft good weak boy who needs a big strong man to take care of him. Not that the part that matters is soft then of course haha. It probably makes it really boring for anyone who would want the big lad and it makes me feel really sh*t even thinking about it. but I am what I am. I wish I could change, I wish I could stop needing rubber and diapers but it’s been there as long as I can remember. It’s just part of me. It far from defines me as a person. There’s the other me who’s just josh as he is. He’s the josh my family and friends see and the only one they will ever see no matter what. He’s a bit in-secure about himself, but a good listener and loyal to the last to his husband and family. Not all of who are blood related. He doesn’t get or understand jokes and records washing machines because they chill him out. He knows he’s far from perfect but he doesn’t pretend to be. He just tries to keep people happy in whatever small ways he can because aside from anything else, he hates conflict. He isn’t the most independent in the world but he’s working on it. I’m not a religious person but if you can pardon a little reference hear, my quirks are the devil that possesses my sole and probably, hopefully always will. That’s my point. I hate it because it’s such a big part of me now but it’s an addiction I don’t even want to try to brake. As lonely and cold as it makes me feel sometimes. I love that feeling of feeling less of a man. Of being special to someone and wanted for me. Even now it seems pretty messed up to me. that feeling the average man would get waring diapers and rubber aides/toys etc, that feeling of embarrassment and degradation, that feeling they’ve lost their manhood, that’s the feeling that gives me that buzz and makes me feel more like a man than ever, no matter who I was with. The other me might not just be about sex necessarily but I don’t know that. maybe it’s about intimate physical contact, though that doesn’t make sense because I literally rap my body up in inflatables, to inflate around my body inside a ring so it doesn’t unravel. I’m completely helpless other than to rock backwards and forwards. The point is how can a man get near that. When I do have the guts to bring it up with my other half, mainly when I need to buy something because I’ve got a puncture somewhere or whatever, I often call it sexually special needs.
Now my husband insists sex isn’t everything and it doesn’t matter I can’t satisfy him in that way. It was the same with all my relationships before him but none of them stayed with me too long. He is nowadays not in to sex at all, never mind any kind of contact with the big lad as I call him. Most of the time I just dress up, do it and undress again, but this year I’m going to try to push myself a little further if I can. It’s always over so quickly. Sometimes I worry the lack of anything past a kiss and cuddle is because he just doesn’t find me attractive. He assures me it isn’t. nowadays he buys me anything I need and does his best to be understanding. I spend 3 months a year with my family in the southwest and a few nights before I left this year, I’m still there now, my husband had a couple of drinks and to cut a long story short, he told me I could find someone to have a bit of fun with while I was down there if I wanted. It’s been just over 4 years since anything real happened so he felt bad for me this particular night. Of course this is Cornwall and there isn’t too much of a seen period. I had brought up the subject a couple of times last year but hadn’t brought it up since. I didn’t get far those times so my courage failed. It was actually him who raised the subject this time. My point is even if I was brave enough to cheat on him, knowing he would still love me and take me back regardless, I’d probably let whoever it was down aside from anything else, through lack of enjoyment or not getting something quite right. I think I’m just scared that no-one could ever enjoy that side of me. the side I enjoy so much. Then I feel guilty because I want it so badly and it isn’t like my other half doesn’t do enough for me. He makes sure I don’t have to worry about a thing. Plenty of chocolate and Tabaco and anything I ask for. I don’t even have to worry about money too much. I’m lucky to have what I have right? What an ungrateful sl** I am wanting to cheat on my husband who would do anything for me. but one day I won’t be attractive to anyone at all even in what little looks I have, and I would never have felt that kind of love I always seem to crave so badly. That thought terrifies me. I love my husband to pieces but that other part of me is still so lonely and cold. How is that right? Why is it something I really feel I need from time to time, even while I have so much already? What kind of person does that make me?
I only really started fully accepting myself in the past year and I still have a very long way to go. He got me a diaper from somewhere and I was so scared someone would find it I threw it out after a while. Then someone sent him tenner men I think they’re called last year. Some cheeky so and so who wanted to whined him up for his 50th. There are 2 of them and I still have them. I don’t know all that online stuff and have to rely on him to buy anything. It’s awkward enough asking him to get a new inflatable haha. I’ve asked him to see if he can get 1 of those waterproof diapers. Plastic on the outside and netting or something on the inside?
If you think I am to be pitied or judged upon, if you think I need help or am just some sad waist of space, that’s cool. I don’t medically need diapers but I can only describe what I feel as a bodily need. Definitely physically, almost certainly psychologically and probably spiritually I don’t know with the latter. As I said above, I can only tell it like it is. I understand as much about it as the next man. I’m still trying to make sense of everything. The fact is it’s there, it always really has been and I have to accept it. I can only apologise to anyone I have in any way offended, and say it’s the first time I’ve ever really opened up in a community like this. I just feel a bit alone at the minute so sorry if I’ve said too much and come across 2 hevvy. I hardly use any social networking at all other than Facebook, accessibility with my screen reader being what it is. But thanks for reading if you’ve got all the way to the end. That alone means a lot. Thanks for listening. Love to all.
So I’m 24 years old and live in the UK. I have had no eyesight since I was young. It’s a condition called Norrie disease. It’s a genetic condition past down from my mum’s side, from where we don’t know because no-one else in the family is blind. My elder brother was born blind too. see: https://norriedisease.org.uk/. My brother also got meningitis as a baby and later was diagnosed with autism, type 1 diabetes and epilepsy. My younger brother also has type 1. We’re a very close family, well me, my mum and brothers are anyway. I have other siblings from my father’s side I don’t get to see and none of us have anything to do with our father. I had a lot happen to me in my childhood but I’ll leave that to any questions you may want to ask. I’m sure you don’t want to read my whole life story haha.
anyway I came out when I was 16 but my family don’t and will never know about the other me. that’s an absolute must! I’ve always known he was there but still don’t know too much about him. I always felt the need to ware inflatables even before I hit puberty, though of course back then, I couldn’t understand anything about it and never really had an opportunity to do it past 5 or so. I was sent to a specialist boarding school when I was 12. It was meant to be a blind school but what with funding etc, it was more like a school for people who had a lot of other complex needs. A lot of them really were incontinent for example. they had a big crate of swim stuff at the pool they had there. They had this rubber life jacket thing that fastens around you really tight and sometimes I put it on with a lode of armbands. They didn’t have rubber rings sadly. You can imagine how it felt age 14 the first time I dressed up, and the mail life Gard who was about 28 helped me in to the flotation device. I always made out to people like it was just a laugh. Something I was doing repeatedly because I thought it was funny. Then I left for college and found it too embarrassing to look in to. It was only when I met my husband that he started getting me things, though he only joined in once right at the beginning of our relationship. I only really started feeling the conscious need for diapers when I was 12 or 13, which funnily enough was around the time I stopped wetting the bed. I didn’t dare take any at school though a mate of mine did a couple of times. I met my husband in late 2014 just after I’d had a breakdown. I was drinking a lot and smoking anything I could get my hands on at this point and he was really there for me in a big way. I had barely been out of another relationship 2 weeks. The bloke was the same age as my mum and worked at my old school. We had been together for 5 months and 2 weeks give or take. It didn’t go or end well. I was just 19 and my husband was 45 when we met. I moved all the way from the southwest to Newcastle upon Tyne to be with him. There was so much going on in the family at the time I ended up leaving home and marrying him within a year of our meeting. It was all very quick. Though our sex life was pretty good in the beginning, within a year it was basically non-existent. I tolerated not waring anything when things happened and it was fine. Not too thrilling for me but I was happy, so was he and it was enough. Though even then I would dress up when he was asleep and he was cool with that. The fact I could never dominate or even penetrate him sexually was a big issue for a long time. In fact though I know he loves and at least accepts me, a lot of comments he made to his mates for example, about how I “don’t know what to do with it”, that I can’t f*** him because I “just go soft”, really affected my already really low confidence. He used to call me baby arm because I’m apparently pretty well endowed. He used to play a song which went “I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky, I should be so lucky in love”. I can now never listen to and enjoy that song because it just hurts me. he only ever did it when he was drunk so of course it never happened. He even once told his cousin and sister I “go soft” on 2 different occasions. I just had to try it. why couldn’t I try it again? Yet again? Each time we tried it was the same and in the end it just stopped. Over the past few years his comments have completely stopped but I can’t just forget what was said. I just can’t physically do it and sexually I can only be who I am. A big soft good weak boy who needs a big strong man to take care of him. Not that the part that matters is soft then of course haha. It probably makes it really boring for anyone who would want the big lad and it makes me feel really sh*t even thinking about it. but I am what I am. I wish I could change, I wish I could stop needing rubber and diapers but it’s been there as long as I can remember. It’s just part of me. It far from defines me as a person. There’s the other me who’s just josh as he is. He’s the josh my family and friends see and the only one they will ever see no matter what. He’s a bit in-secure about himself, but a good listener and loyal to the last to his husband and family. Not all of who are blood related. He doesn’t get or understand jokes and records washing machines because they chill him out. He knows he’s far from perfect but he doesn’t pretend to be. He just tries to keep people happy in whatever small ways he can because aside from anything else, he hates conflict. He isn’t the most independent in the world but he’s working on it. I’m not a religious person but if you can pardon a little reference hear, my quirks are the devil that possesses my sole and probably, hopefully always will. That’s my point. I hate it because it’s such a big part of me now but it’s an addiction I don’t even want to try to brake. As lonely and cold as it makes me feel sometimes. I love that feeling of feeling less of a man. Of being special to someone and wanted for me. Even now it seems pretty messed up to me. that feeling the average man would get waring diapers and rubber aides/toys etc, that feeling of embarrassment and degradation, that feeling they’ve lost their manhood, that’s the feeling that gives me that buzz and makes me feel more like a man than ever, no matter who I was with. The other me might not just be about sex necessarily but I don’t know that. maybe it’s about intimate physical contact, though that doesn’t make sense because I literally rap my body up in inflatables, to inflate around my body inside a ring so it doesn’t unravel. I’m completely helpless other than to rock backwards and forwards. The point is how can a man get near that. When I do have the guts to bring it up with my other half, mainly when I need to buy something because I’ve got a puncture somewhere or whatever, I often call it sexually special needs.
Now my husband insists sex isn’t everything and it doesn’t matter I can’t satisfy him in that way. It was the same with all my relationships before him but none of them stayed with me too long. He is nowadays not in to sex at all, never mind any kind of contact with the big lad as I call him. Most of the time I just dress up, do it and undress again, but this year I’m going to try to push myself a little further if I can. It’s always over so quickly. Sometimes I worry the lack of anything past a kiss and cuddle is because he just doesn’t find me attractive. He assures me it isn’t. nowadays he buys me anything I need and does his best to be understanding. I spend 3 months a year with my family in the southwest and a few nights before I left this year, I’m still there now, my husband had a couple of drinks and to cut a long story short, he told me I could find someone to have a bit of fun with while I was down there if I wanted. It’s been just over 4 years since anything real happened so he felt bad for me this particular night. Of course this is Cornwall and there isn’t too much of a seen period. I had brought up the subject a couple of times last year but hadn’t brought it up since. I didn’t get far those times so my courage failed. It was actually him who raised the subject this time. My point is even if I was brave enough to cheat on him, knowing he would still love me and take me back regardless, I’d probably let whoever it was down aside from anything else, through lack of enjoyment or not getting something quite right. I think I’m just scared that no-one could ever enjoy that side of me. the side I enjoy so much. Then I feel guilty because I want it so badly and it isn’t like my other half doesn’t do enough for me. He makes sure I don’t have to worry about a thing. Plenty of chocolate and Tabaco and anything I ask for. I don’t even have to worry about money too much. I’m lucky to have what I have right? What an ungrateful sl** I am wanting to cheat on my husband who would do anything for me. but one day I won’t be attractive to anyone at all even in what little looks I have, and I would never have felt that kind of love I always seem to crave so badly. That thought terrifies me. I love my husband to pieces but that other part of me is still so lonely and cold. How is that right? Why is it something I really feel I need from time to time, even while I have so much already? What kind of person does that make me?
I only really started fully accepting myself in the past year and I still have a very long way to go. He got me a diaper from somewhere and I was so scared someone would find it I threw it out after a while. Then someone sent him tenner men I think they’re called last year. Some cheeky so and so who wanted to whined him up for his 50th. There are 2 of them and I still have them. I don’t know all that online stuff and have to rely on him to buy anything. It’s awkward enough asking him to get a new inflatable haha. I’ve asked him to see if he can get 1 of those waterproof diapers. Plastic on the outside and netting or something on the inside?
If you think I am to be pitied or judged upon, if you think I need help or am just some sad waist of space, that’s cool. I don’t medically need diapers but I can only describe what I feel as a bodily need. Definitely physically, almost certainly psychologically and probably spiritually I don’t know with the latter. As I said above, I can only tell it like it is. I understand as much about it as the next man. I’m still trying to make sense of everything. The fact is it’s there, it always really has been and I have to accept it. I can only apologise to anyone I have in any way offended, and say it’s the first time I’ve ever really opened up in a community like this. I just feel a bit alone at the minute so sorry if I’ve said too much and come across 2 hevvy. I hardly use any social networking at all other than Facebook, accessibility with my screen reader being what it is. But thanks for reading if you’ve got all the way to the end. That alone means a lot. Thanks for listening. Love to all.
