non abdl girlfriend needing help coming to terms with abdl boyfriend

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needingguidance

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Hi Everyone, I really could use some help. I have been dating my abdl boyfriend for over a year now, and have known about this part of his life for around 9 months... It's difficult to understand why I need help coming to terms with this part of his life now, even though i've known for a while but I need help and guidance and to understand what is going on. I love this man with all of my heart...he honestly has the most beautiful soul I've ever seen in a person. He loves me with all of his heart with no expectations, no conditions, just love....and I love him so much as well. This is the type of relationship that I knew would be forever, yet here I am after having a conversation this morning with him about how I'm not sure I will be able to handle waking up next to him in a wet diaper with a soother in his mouth every morning for the rest of my life. I HATE myself for feeling this way which is why I have tried to push these feelings away for the past 9 months and try to be supportive of him. I was shocked at first but told him it was ok, at first the knowledge of his fetish was enough, but I warmed upto it for him...i soon became accustomed to seeing him wear a diaper, use it, and cuddleup next to me in bed and fall asleep. I even participated a handful of times by wearing and on very few occasions I used one as well. It is normal for me still not to be ok with his abdl this far into our relationship or am I kidding myself that I will ever be okay with it? How long should it take before I am okay with this or do I have to let go of the love of my life because I'm too narrow minded to every be okay with abdl?
 

mermaidqueen85

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Hi. I have an abdl fiance. I think it's exciting to try new things. Just use that love you have for him to try to be a loving "mother". You should be fine. What about it bothers you? Sorry I'm not more help.
 

needingguidance

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one part that bothers me is the why....like why does he associate baby activities with something that turns him on? It just concerns me and seems kind of un natural. Another thing that bothers me is the smell of pee...but more importantly I want to be able to still see him as my man...and when he's in a diaper that sometimes gets lost...i want to make sure i'm still sexually attracted to him 20 years down the line
 

lullingsea

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I think the fact that you've been supportive, been around him while wearing, allowed it in your bed- and are now here for help shows there's a fighting chance.

Are there ever times that you find yourself more accepting than others? You said you participated a few times, so were you curious-or interested? If there's a chance of you being able to take ABDL in small doses- perhaps talk to him about only coming to bed a baby some nights, when you allow it? Could you handle it if it was dictated around you being more 'in the mood' to be his caretaker/whatever?

Is there any role inside the ABDL world that you seem more interested in? Mommy, Baby, Making him a sissy, a fellow baby with him... there's not a TON of roles- but if you can find one you identify with, I'm sure he'd play your way ;)
 

mermaidqueen85

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I see. Well, I'm not sure exactly why, but I don't think that's important. It is a very common fetish, so I wouldn't worry. Sometimes, it's to escape stresses of everyday life. Also, maybe he just wants to be babied and to feel motherly love; someone taking care of him. There are tons of fetishes out there and everyone's a little different. If you still feel weird about it, I would talk more to him about it. Let him know that you really want to get involved, but want to know more about what he likes and why.
 

Brickhouse

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I fully understand your difficulty coming to terms with this side of him. That's something that even we struggle with ourselves on. It may take some time, but as your relationship grows, you'll eventually be more accepting of that part of him, I have no doubt. It may require a fair amount of compromise for both of you, but mastering the art of compromise is a big part of any relationship. If you love each other as much as you say, surely you can find a middle ground that allows him to enjoy his AB/DL side without impinging on your comfort zone.
 
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NeverKnow

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I love this man with all of my heart...he honestly has the most beautiful soul I've ever seen in a person. He loves me with all of his heart with no expectations, no conditions, just love....and I love him so much as well. This is the type of relationship that I knew would be forever, yet here I am after having a conversation this morning with him about how I'm not sure I will be able to handle waking up next to him in a wet diaper with a soother in his mouth every morning for the rest of my life. I HATE myself for feeling this way which is why I have tried to push these feelings away for the past 9 months and try to be supportive of him.

I don't think you're being narrow-minded. It's understandable that this is hard to come to terms with - ABDLs themselves go through periods of denial and shame. I sometimes look at myself and wonder how I could like something so weird.

The part of your post that I cut out here is important, I think. Your acceptance has thus far been admirable. I think you should talk to him about what makes you comfortable and try to reach some compromise, as others have suggested. If you have reservations about waking up next to him in a wet diaper, then tell him that, and try to reach some agreement (diapers every other day, or on weekends, or on weekdays, or something). If he doesn't need them and uses them for comfort, then I think it's reasonable that you should be able to articulate what would make you comfortable, and alternate between that. You've done a good job accepting this part of him but that doesn't mean it needs to dominate your adult lives. Set down boundaries that work for both of you.

Being supportive of him does not mean that you need to abandon all of your own preferences.

Good luck.
 

issaa

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I think you would benefit from trying to understand which part of you is not happy with your BF ABDL?
Is it because he behaves in a different way than you expect a man of his age to?
Is it because you have different expectaions of your partner to what he can give you?

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I think you would benefit from trying to understand which part of you is not happy with your BF ABDL?
Is it because he behaves in a different way than you expect a man of his age to?
Is it because you have different expectations of your partner to what he can give you?
 
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NeverKnow

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one part that bothers me is the why....like why does he associate baby activities with something that turns him on? It just concerns me and seems kind of un natural. Another thing that bothers me is the smell of pee...but more importantly I want to be able to still see him as my man...and when he's in a diaper that sometimes gets lost...i want to make sure i'm still sexually attracted to him 20 years down the line

Hey there. I responded to your topic in the Adult Baby forum as well but I also want to comment on some of what you expressed here (and commend you for taking the initiative to work on the things that are bother you rather than casting them away or letting them fester).

It is "unnatural" and "abnormal" in the respect that this is not how human sexuality usually manifests. It's weird and uncommon, and for someone who does not feel that way, it is certainly difficult to empathize. The human mind usually works like it's supposed to - but sometimes it doesn't. And that usually boils down to some combination of a genetic predisposition and/or life circumstances that cause a fixation on something (and sometimes this fixation is sexual) that people do not ordinarily fixate on. If you read some of the topics on this forum about how these feelings came about (which I admit maybe be strange to you - but also might provide some insight), you'll see that these feelings, for most of us, developed in early childhood as the result of some experience (which vary in gravity from nostalgia to trauma). Those early years are when are brains are most malleable - so sometimes strange associations and desires form.

It is weird, but those formed habits are not the sum of a person, and they are very difficult to eliminate because we are so permanently impressionable at that age.

I think your discomfort is valid. Pee smells. You are an adult and in relationships desire an adult partner. Those reactions are not unreasonable. So (as I articulated in my other post in your other topic) I do want to stress compromise. If you aren't comfortable waking up next to a wet diaper, then you should tell him that and work something out so that is not going to be your experience literally every single day. Balance between diapered sex (if you guys do that) and vanilla sex if that's what you want. There should be a give and take in this kind of thing. Balance out the contexts in which he can express his desire to be an adult baby and you get to have "your man."
 

LittleAcorn

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Welcome to ADISC! There are others in similar situations who have joined the site here, but I'm not sure how active they are. You're definitely not alone, however. Also, thank you for being supportive of your boyfriend. I'm still closeted about this with my SO, and when I tell her I can only hope she'll be as accepting as you.

The best thing you can do is communicate and compromise. Trying to hide your feelings probably isn't the best solution, even if you're doing it out of love for him. It's much better to get everything out in the open and talk about it than bottle things up. I realize I might sound slightly hypocritical because I haven't told my SO yet, but I'm working on that.

I'll be the first to admit that being an ABDL is a little weird, albeit harmless. Lots of people have trouble accepting it, myself included. It must be tough for someone who doesn't have such feelings to accept it. In short, whatever you're feeling about it is fine. Just like whatever he's feeling about liking diapers is fine. You just need to talk about it.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but hopefully this is helpful. I have some more specific responses below.

This is the type of relationship that I knew would be forever, yet here I am after having a conversation this morning with him about how I'm not sure I will be able to handle waking up next to him in a wet diaper with a soother in his mouth every morning for the rest of my life.

Compromise! He doesn't need wear diapers every and use a soother every night. It's perfectly fine for you to set some limits. I think most ABDLs would be extremely happy to be in a relationship with a non-ABDL who was accepting and even participated at times, even with some limits on when and where diapers entered the relationship.

one part that bothers me is the why....like why does he associate baby activities with something that turns him on? It just concerns me and seems kind of un natural.

I don't think you're going to get an answer to that question, unfortunately. More generally, why does any kink/fetish turn someone one? Some people like to be spanked, some people like to be tied up, etc. With a few exceptions I think it's a hard question to answer. It's a fun topic to speculate about, however, so it's certainly a fair question to ask your boyfriend about - just don't expect a definite answer.

I want to be able to still see him as my man...and when he's in a diaper that sometimes gets lost

So is the role reversal when he's wearing diapers that you don't like? That's a fair complaint. Is there something he could do for you that would help you feel like he is "your man?" Something that doesn't involve diapers. His like of diapers isn't likely to go away, so you'll probably have that role-reversal at least sometimes, but it's totally fair to ask him to do things for you that you like at times too.
 

Talula

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Hi Everyone, I really could use some help. I have been dating my abdl boyfriend for over a year now, and have known about this part of his life for around 9 months... It's difficult to understand why I need help coming to terms with this part of his life now, even though i've known for a while but I need help and guidance and to understand what is going on. I love this man with all of my heart...he honestly has the most beautiful soul I've ever seen in a person. He loves me with all of his heart with no expectations, no conditions, just love....and I love him so much as well. This is the type of relationship that I knew would be forever, yet here I am after having a conversation this morning with him about how I'm not sure I will be able to handle waking up next to him in a wet diaper with a soother in his mouth every morning for the rest of my life. I HATE myself for feeling this way which is why I have tried to push these feelings away for the past 9 months and try to be supportive of him. I was shocked at first but told him it was ok, at first the knowledge of his fetish was enough, but I warmed upto it for him...i soon became accustomed to seeing him wear a diaper, use it, and cuddleup next to me in bed and fall asleep. I even participated a handful of times by wearing and on very few occasions I used one as well. It is normal for me still not to be ok with his abdl this far into our relationship or am I kidding myself that I will ever be okay with it? How long should it take before I am okay with this or do I have to let go of the love of my life because I'm too narrow minded to every be okay with abdl?

It sounds to me like you are pretty ok with it. You're letting him wear around you, and you've even participated! That's more than I did in the 1st 9 months of being told my boyfriend was into it!!

In terms of letting it be a big part of your relationship, why does it need to be? If he wants to do some ABDL type things then he can do, when you're not around, or once a week, or no more than 2 nights in a row. Set some rules and boundaries that you're both happy with. Remember, people in relationships can be into different things, and this is just one of those things.

I've been exactly where you are, honestly, and I know it's a tough thing to go through. If you want to send me a PM after you're able to, or leave me a visitor message then we can talk some more :)
 

egor

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Welcome to the group.

You have already done the first most important step and that is open no-confratational communication.

The best suggestion I can give you is what I did when I disclosed my ABDL to my wife. On You Tube is a very good presentation by one of our members named Babymitchy "Understanding Adult Babys" (I think that the title). IT was very helpful to me and my wife.

Good luck.
 

needingguidance

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Thanks for the advice! I'll take that into consideration...after reading all of these posts i feel much calmer and it's nice to have such a supportive and understanding community to be a part of! :)

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@NeverKnow Your explanation of things has been really helpful...I always need to keep in mind the many different ways sexuality manifests itself. As someone who is unusually "vanilla" (hopefully i used that term correctly) it is sometimes a very hard concept to wrap my head around. My partner is very open to balance and I need to remember that as well..it doesn't have to be everyday and we can find a middle ground. Thanks for all the time and effort you put into helping me it really means a lot...i had a conversation with my boyfriend today and told him not to worry and that i would stand by him through it all...the last thing i want to make him feel is shame and i need to remember its totally normal to feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable at times I just have to work through it. Anything worth having doesn't come easily :)

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@LittleAcorn

Thank you so much for your in depth analysis..It was much needed!! Everything you mentioned made total sense...and I suggested many of these things to my bf who seemed much more at ease as I was. I cannot deny it will always bug me a bit that I won't know the source of this fetish but that is a small issue compared to how good we are together...I'm willing to work with him and continue to become more and more ok and understanding of this. I can definitely tell you that this website has helped me more than anything before! :)

ps. Good luck with your SO. I would suggest making sure she loves you for all of the right reasons before opening up about this part of your life...I definitely encourage you to tell her, but the time and dynamics of your relationship play a huge role in how this information will be taken. Make sure she is special, maybe even the "one". As someone who was in complete shock when my boyfriend first told me the thing that helped me get through it all was the absolute love we had for each other...INSIDE and out. And I am a worst case scenario when it comes to these things...I didn't even know what BDSM or S&M stood for before I met my bf hah :/

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Thanks, I feel very welcome. Ill be sure to check out that youtube video today. It makes me happy to hear that you and your wife have worked things out, gives me a lot of hope! :) xox

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@Talula that makes me feel much more at ease knowing that it took you a long time to get used to ABDL activities with your BF. Me and him are working on setting down rules so we have on and off nights which i think will be a really good thing. Thank you for the offer of support...I dont think i can send PM's yet...but I will keep your offer in mind and be sure to keep in touch if I need help! Thank you so much, you have helped me out a lot!! :)
 

needingguidance

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@lullingsea

Thanks for your response...I'm not sure why at times im more accepting than others, that is a good question. It sort of depends on the mood I'm in I guess. Majority of the time I am okay with it. I like to please him so If I see it makes him really happy/turned on to see my in a diaper I am usually happy to oblige because It makes me feel sexy. At times I would prefer to wear some sexy lingerie instead but I realized that him seeing me participate in ABDL makes him much happier which in turn makes me happy. Other times it scares me and I'm not in the mood at all... I wish I understood myself more!! *sigh* Theres no role im particularity interested in...the only one I would really consider is a fellow baby. I hope that my moments of doubt become less and less frequent as our relationship continues. Thank for the support!

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@Brickhouse

Thankyou for the words of encouragement...It's good to know it will take time-makes me feel less worried that I will never be fully ok with it. We are both reasonable people willing to compromise so I hope it all works out in the end! :)

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@NeverKnow

Thanks for your advice again! We are both working on creating a compromise which is making me feel much for at ease. This website is pretty amazing, and I'm shocked by how kind and supportive everyone on here is..you don't find this very often on the internet anymore...I hope you have a good day! :)

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@issaa

those are some very tough questions :p I'm trying to understand what specifically makes me unhappy about the ABDL situation, I just think it's because It seems so unnatural to me that it scares me sometimes...for example i hope my BF is mentally ok and that some traumatic experience didnt cause this. I also agree that one other issue is the fact that he acts differently than a "traditional" man would and I probably have some ingrained expectations of a man that society has implanted in my brain...but I guess that's what personal growth is all about. I want to redefine my definition and expectations of a "Traditional" man... I realize that not everyone fits that mold and that is okay and normal. As a fairly "traditional" and vanilla female this will require hard work but I'm willing to step up to the plate...I won't grow as an individual if I'm confined to the same paradigm I've always known...The unknown is a scary place but as I'm learning it's the place where you learn the most about who you are, what you stand for, and who you would aspire to become.
 

Luckyfish

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Hi Everyone, I really could use some help. I have been dating my abdl boyfriend for over a year now, and have known about this part of his life for around 9 months... It's difficult to understand why I need help coming to terms with this part of his life now, even though i've known for a while but I need help and guidance and to understand what is going on. I love this man with all of my heart...he honestly has the most beautiful soul I've ever seen in a person. He loves me with all of his heart with no expectations, no conditions, just love....and I love him so much as well. This is the type of relationship that I knew would be forever, yet here I am after having a conversation this morning with him about how I'm not sure I will be able to handle waking up next to him in a wet diaper with a soother in his mouth every morning for the rest of my life. I HATE myself for feeling this way which is why I have tried to push these feelings away for the past 9 months and try to be supportive of him. I was shocked at first but told him it was ok, at first the knowledge of his fetish was enough, but I warmed upto it for him...i soon became accustomed to seeing him wear a diaper, use it, and cuddleup next to me in bed and fall asleep. I even participated a handful of times by wearing and on very few occasions I used one as well. It is normal for me still not to be ok with his abdl this far into our relationship or am I kidding myself that I will ever be okay with it? How long should it take before I am okay with this or do I have to let go of the love of my life because I'm too narrow minded to every be okay with abdl?

Hi there.

I would like to commend you for being as accepting as you are thus far, and i can understand how this can bother you.
I assume you are both still relatively young?
I am married to a beautiful wife who accepts my fetish for diapers.
She doesn't partake of it, and i do not openly walk around wearing them either.
Perhaps im luckier as i have no desire to be a baby, i merely love and wear diapers
.
We have a mutual consideration for each others feelings and desires and we are very considerate toward each other, which is why i only wear around twice a week, and not involving her with my fetish.
This is a very sensitive issue and i am wondering if you guys have discussed your feelings on this topic?
Also does he wear every night and is this the only way the two of you make love?

People can change, one day full acceptance can become the complete opposite, and if you intend to marry this man you need to be honest with him about your feelings.
This is a weird thing to be into so its understandable that you could be worried about his mental heath.

However being into this has no bearing on your man and makes him no different to the man you initially fell in love with.
The only factor is your potential intolerance for this, so the both of you will need to discuss boundaries and perhaps your desires in a sensitive, loving and respectful manner.
I need you to visualize your relationship with the man as he is now, because after the initial lust of any relationship wears off, the two of you need to remain sexually attracted to one another, and ultimately best friends.
Does his ABDL'ism sexually turn you off?

If this is getting harder for you now it could very well be the straw that breaks the camels back in years to come, this is why you both need to discuss this as i have mentioned above.

Communication is obviously key her and in time boundaries could be established as his ABDL'ism is never going to go away, although balance(on his part) and a healthy normal sexual relationship can really fix this situation in the years to come.

I wish you all the best and congratulations for being a person who loves him enough to actually make the time to register here and get advice from the communities perspective.

Luckyfish.
 

foxkits

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There are a lot of us around.So what is normal if he was in a wheel chair could you let him go or lets say he was incontinent hmm, . We all share this on here. I must say You are one great person to love him the way you do. I can see how you feel here is your prince charming sleeping next to you in a diaper and to feel if this is not right. But what if you miss out on the best person you could have just for this little thing.There is a book there is a baby in my bed it may help you.You need boundary's too . Your very open minded . But it can be easy if you take it one day at a time like one step at a time. Talking it out is very important your feelings matter too.
I have met a lot of ab/dl couples and you they can get past the feelings your having and be very happy live,s
I have seen this so hang in there.It needs to be a two way street your time as well as his.Good luck.
 

needingguidance

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Hi Luckyfish!

that was honest and constructive advice, thankyou. We are both relatively young yes. We have both discussed our feelings on this topic on several occasions as well...and i'd say 95% of the time we make love it does not involve ABDL because he respects my boundaries and does not want to push his fetish onto me. This does not mean I'm happy per se because I do want both of us to reach a compromise instead of him having to greatly compromise who he is/what he is into... If he cannot be himself while being in a relationship with me then we are not meant to be. I would like to eventually be okay with participating in it once in a while for him so he knows I care to support him in all aspects of his life, and make sure he knows he has nothing to hide. He wears most nights but it is not a necessity and he has expressed he would be okay with a 50/50 schedule diapers to boxers. I do intend to marry this man...and I want to be as honest with him as possible. I want to make sure that 5 years down the road I don't wake up suddenly and realize I can't handle it anymore...that would be terrible. We are bestfriends and our relationship is far more than lust so I have no doubt that after that/ if that fades away we will still have a strong attraction and amazing chemistry. As for if his ABDLism turns me off it depends...most of the time I find him cute regardless of what he is wearing...but once in a while I do find it a turn off..or wish he was wearing boxers instead. It's hard to find him sexy in a very manly way when he is wearing a diaper but I still find him cute/adorable most of the time when he wears one. thanks for all the advice again..i hope this clarifies things for you?

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Foxkits

You make a great point... I don't want to lose out on the most amazing person because of one small part of his life. I also have the bad tendency to look to the future and the need to know how everything in my life will happen exactly. This outlook has contributed to some overwhelming feelings regarding my bf's ABDL (like how will I explain this to our future children if they find out? etc) and i need to work on living day by day especially when it comes to this. I am working on this, thanks for the supportive words!
 

MetalMann

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We often worry about the same thing. We go through binge and purge phases that come with guilt and being disgusted with ourselves. The one reason that guilt hits us is because the messages as a child that our parents tried drilling in to our heads. They would remark on things saying "You're being such a baby." "Only babies do that." "Only babies wear diapers." Our parents wanted us to grow up fast and putting those messages in our heads making us think about about being referred to as a baby as if it were a gross thing.

That could be one of the reasons that you can't come to fully accept someone like us. Not wanting to be around someone that doesn't act their age at times.

ABism is just a bunch of steps ahead (or behind) of someone that has some other things that make them feel young. Some people might have a bunch of plushies/teddy bears. Someone might still watch cartoons. It all has a little bit of some sort of a regression feeling.

Some of us use regression as a way to relieve some of the stress associated with grown up life. Stress relief come in all kinds of flavors such as drugs, alcohol, and many other not so common things.

Perhaps reading more about ABism might help you understand a little better. While this part of us may not seem normal, we do live a normal life when not in baby mode. We still have adult things that we still enjoy. A relationshil doesn't have to center around this issue.

When kids come to the question, it could easily be avoided by limiting his playtime away from the kids. There are several parents here who have kids and who have kept this lifestyle away from them. All kids live normal lives, its not contagious nor will it involve kids. It has absolutely nothing to do with any kids except for our inner kid.
 

Spectro

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Hey there,

First just taking the step of reaching out via this website is huge, and I applaud you for doing so. What you are experiencing is the opposite side of what I am still working through with my fiancé. I hope that we may be of help to you as well.

In our relationship I am the ABDL and she is not, in fact she came from a very vanilla background where mine was anything but. I opened up to her roughly two months into the relationship after I knew she was someone I wanted to move forward with on a much deeper level. In addition to that by that point she had started staying most nights with me which in turn led me from wearing diapers on a nightly basis to almost never in order to hide them from her. The result was a drastic change in my personality which she picked up on quickly and led to a general non-compatability that we were not used to. In short she had fallen in love to the person that I was normally and not the one trying to hide a large portion of myself away.

Telling her was incredibly hard for me, mostly because unlike others in the past I was emotionally invested in her. I chose to go the route of diapers being used as a form of stress relief and they help me to stay balanced when I came out to her. She knows I have a very stressful career and with her being completely vanilla I thought it best to avoid the sexual side of them. To say she was taken back would be an understatement but she didn't leave, in fact in some ways it cleared up a lot of doubts she was having about herself in the relationship, because she thought it was her that was causing my personality changes.

Since that time we have been on a mutual path of finding the best balance of this for our relationship. It's certainly not perfect for either of us, but we are mutually invested in trying to make it work and we have come a long way since the initial conversation. Communication is really going to be the key for you guys, plus always remembering to approach each other in the spirit of love and understanding. It's not always going to be easy and you might run hot and cold with your acceptance for awhile, but it should become easier the longer you are together.

For us initially I only wore when she was not around, and that transitioned to wearing just once every two weeks but always under clothes so she couldn't see it. Doing it that way wasn't workings for me because it led to me feeling ashamed and negative about my needs to be diapered which I had long since came to terms with prior to meeting her. Again communication is key, once I brought up to her that I wasn't working well under our arrangement she opened up to me that she too was unhappy because my moodiness, it was her that suggested I started being diapered more often and we settled on once a week. As of now that's where we are, however we are still working on what works best.

She too runs hot and cold with the acceptance part and I don't think even she knows why. There are times when she will happily diaper me for the night and get me ready for bed, and other nights even the thought if having to do that annoys her to no end. She has even worn a diaper for me on one occasion and has said she is not opposed to doing it again although it has yet to happen. The main fact is that we realized that there are far more things that we love about each other than our one main difference (the ABDL side) and we remember that when our struggles arise in regards to it. Maybe I can get her to come on here and chat with you if you would like. I would imagine her side of things would be more helpful than mine. Regardless i wish you both all the best.
 
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dbc

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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
Hi, like the others I have to give it up to you for at least making an effort to understand. Your bf's done more than I've been able to do. I've been dating my gf for almost 6 months and am still am terrified of the thought of telling her. It's something that shouldn't be taken lightly, he risked a lot telling you. The fear of rejection and making yourself completely vulnerable to another person like that is something that I still don't know if I'll ever be able to do. You've done a lot already by just not freaking out on him...staying with him and at least make an effort to understand that side of him is what I think every ABDL hopes is the way their loved ones will react.

Hope everything continues to go well with you two and your relationship!
 
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