Never telling your partner?!

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ShippoFox

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Why would someone keep AB/DL/Babyfur/whatever stuff a secret from his/her partner? I'm not talking about the first few weeks though.... I mean after you've known each other for quite a while. What if you end up moving in together? (that kinda also gives you an idea of how far along I mean) Abandon your desires and pretend they don't exist? Why would you even wanna be with someone that can't accept you? And aren't such secrets usually bad for relationships? I don't understand it. :confused:

I'm not in such a situation and I hope I never am. I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to accept me. I mean, I'm sure it's hard to bring the subject up, I did once before, but to never tell? It just doesn't seem like a good idea. :eek:
 

Maverick

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Because they fear rejection. Some people are still insecure about it and they really love their partners, so they are afraid of their infantilism being rejected by the partner and perhaps putting a dent in the relationship.

You don't have to abandon your desires or pretend they don't exist. You can still participate in AB activities when you have the rare opportunity you're alone by yourself. And you can always think about them and fantasize.

I don't know why someone would want to be with someone whom they aren't sure will accept him/herself. Maybe because they feel their infantilism isn't a big part of their life. Maybe they don't think it has any place in their relationship.

Yeah, keeping things from your partner is bad for a relationship, because relationships need communication and trust. When there's a lack of trust and you're unsure whether your partner will accept you for your infantilism, there's something wrong. When you can't talk to your partner about this side of you, there's something wrong. It's weak and cowardly, if you ask me.

I know I personally would never want to be in a serious relationship with someone who won't accept my infantilism. If I ever marry, it WILL be to a girl who accepts my infantilism. It's such a big part of me, by not accepting my infantilism, I feel you are not accepting me as a person.
 

cpndl

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I was married 10 years before my Ex found out. She pitched a fit, and not about me keeping a secret for 10 years. She found it very disgusting in her words, and that I was a pervert. I ended up moving out 18 months later, as the relationship was never the same again.

cpndl
 

Maverick

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I was married 10 years before my Ex found out. She pitched a fit, and not about me keeping a secret for 10 years. She found it very disgusting in her words, and that I was a pervert. I ended up moving out 18 months later, as the relationship was never the same again.

cpndl
Yup, this is what I'm afraid of what could happen with me. If I ever marry, I want to make sure my partner knows about my infantilism and is okay with it.

But this kind of scenario is basically a worst-case scenario and it's probably what married infantilists who haven't told their spouse yet fear.
 

ShippoFox

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I was married 10 years before my Ex found out. She pitched a fit, and not about me keeping a secret for 10 years. She found it very disgusting in her words, and that I was a pervert. I ended up moving out 18 months later, as the relationship was never the same again.

cpndl
Eeek... that's terrible.... that's so unfair. I just don't know what else to say. That shouldn't happen to anyone. People will end relationships for such dumb reasons sometimes. :frown:
 

Fire2box

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I was married 10 years before my Ex found out. She pitched a fit, and not about me keeping a secret for 10 years. She found it very disgusting in her words, and that I was a pervert. I ended up moving out 18 months later, as the relationship was never the same again.

cpndl
Excuse me for saying it then but she is a total %&*(#. The reason is simply that you both loved each other for 10 years, she knew you were completely sane. I could see her getting mad about you wanting to keep it hidden for 10 years. But for the love of god she freaks out over this small part of you.

The thing I am going to hate is wasting my time as well as the other persons time if they end up freaking out over this. I'll take the time to tell my girlfriend if I ever have one. I guess the goal for telling would be 3-5 months depending on the person themselves. But I don't plan on marring anyone unless we can fully accept each other for who we are not for who we want them to be.
 

Maverick

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But for the love of god she freaks out over this small part of you.
Oh, but for some people this is not a small part of themselves. I know for me, personally, it's a very large part of me. I would be a completely different person if I wasn't an infantilist. Infantilism has also made me more accepting and tolerant of others.

But the big thing is me, and a lot of other infantilists, frequently indulge in the TB/AB lifestyle. And that's what really makes it a large thing, especially if one plans to keep indulging in the lifestyle while married.
 

Fire2box

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Oh, but for some people this is not a small part of themselves. I know for me, personally, it's a very large part of me. I would be a completely different person if I wasn't an infantilist. Infantilism has also made me more accepting and tolerant of others.

But the big thing is me, and a lot of other infantilists, frequently indulge in the TB/AB lifestyle. And that's what really makes it a large thing, especially if one plans to keep indulging in the lifestyle while married.
Well I know for some of us its bigger for others. But still my whole point is you should only get married when your ready to accept and love the person for all they are. Which you should already assume you know everything about them.
 

cpndl

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Oh, but for some people this is not a small part of themselves. I know for me, personally, it's a very large part of me. I would be a completely different person if I wasn't an infantilist. Infantilism has also made me more accepting and tolerant of others.

But the big thing is me, and a lot of other infantilists, frequently indulge in the TB/AB lifestyle. And that's what really makes it a large thing, especially if one plans to keep indulging in the lifestyle while married.
Well during most of that time, I kept my feelings surpressed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with the whole thing myself. I was very much in the aquire and purge cycle. In fact it's only recently that I have become more comfortable with this side of myself, and it eventually lead me to this site.

cpndl
 

wetatnight

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keeping secrets in a relationship is a bad idea.
if the other person can't accept you as you are, you shouldn't be togather.
almost all secrets come out eventually and cause strain or destroy the relationship
if your ab/tb/dl or incontinent it's best to not keep it a secret.
if your partner can't accept it, find someone who can.
 

Darkfinn

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I really don't understand why there are so many AB/DLs who keep it a secret from their partner. They have to sneak around and hide things... and they are never truly happy b/c they have desires that they just can't share.

I knew from the beginning that if I was ever going to be happy with a girl I was going to have to find one who could share in my diapered life... not just be tolerant... but wear and use them herself. Fortunately I have found such a person... and it makes things so much easier.
 

LittleAdam

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Oh, but for some people this is not a small part of themselves. I know for me, personally, it's a very large part of me. I would be a completely different person if I wasn't an infantilist. Infantilism has also made me more accepting and tolerant of others.

But the big thing is me, and a lot of other infantilists, frequently indulge in the TB/AB lifestyle. And that's what really makes it a large thing, especially if one plans to keep indulging in the lifestyle while married.
I completely agree with you Maverick. It's a huge part of my life too and if I am to get married, someone has to fully accept it from the start.
 
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Infantilism is far to important and ingrained within me to be able to even ignore it. I don't think I could handle being in a committed relationship and having to hide my desires from my partner. Being both a sexual and emotion thing for me, this fetish is such a big part of who I am and I couldn't... wouldn't drop that for anything.

So my partner would have to share this interest of mine, or at the very least have no queries about me practising it. Then again, I find hiding secrets in any relationship is just asking for disaster. Your significant other will find out eventually (unless you expend your availability to indulge in it - and that will create inner turmoil) and that could rock the foundation of your kinship. Not only does it signal you have the ability to be elusive and keep secrets, but it's shows that you aren't really sharing your life with your partner.

Any serious relationship should be built on trust and openness. After all, you'll be spending quite a large part of your life with this person, and it can be quite heartbreaking if something like this broke it up. Imagine being together for a long time, then they find out about this fetish and decide they can't handle it or think differently of you for it. All that time spent in the relationship would have been for nothing. You may as well get it all out in the beginning so there is no disaster and heartbreak later on.
 

Pramrider

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Believe me, I don't like the fact I've kept my *B side a secret from my wife for over 30 years. Though as badly and guilty as I feel about it, coming out to her would be worse for both of us. She has dealt with emotional problems from teen years on, and even had to seek professional help for awhile after our second child was born. Any pressure on her at all is like a millstone the way she feels it's weighing on her. She depends on me being the strong one mentally and emotionally. If I were to tell her all about my *other side* I know what would happen. She'd think I was beginning to fall apart mentally which would trigger a severe emotional attack and depression in her. I don't want that to happen, so my babyish/childish side will mostly stay a secret until the day I die. When you're with someone as long as I have been you know what they can and can't handle. You've seen how they react to all sorts of problems and situations. NO WAY could she handle my dropping being an AB in her lap. She knows I'm more of a kid at heart, liking swings and things like that, and accepts me being that way, but I would never push it any further to reveal my enjoyment of using baby gear or even trying on diapers occasionally.

~Pramrider
 

Charlie

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I think whether you ought to tell your partner depends on where you live, and what time you live in.
Some place are just filled with people who wouldn't understand this. I'm thinking of places in America really, all those stories that people post about girlfriends and wives freaking out about infantilism are always about Americans...
Places where people can't be openly gay or things like that.

Anyone I end up with will have to accept this part of me. It's an important part of my sexual side, and sex is an important part of a relationship.
 

Pojo

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I would have to tell the person I'm with before I'm married at least...If not, then I just don't think I could hide it from them...Eventually they are bound to find out if you don't tell them and you're married with them
 

timmywimmy

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I'm with cpndl on this; it's really not that simple. It's intersting coming here because I'm 45, and I was brought up in a world without the internet. FOr a very long time I felt that I was a part of a very, very small section of humanity that had this kink. And I was ashamed and secretive.

When the net came along I was astonished to find the sheer number of other people who were *b or dl. But by then the habits were ingrained - I will always be afraid to reveal this side of myself to a significant other ... it's interesting reading this site, because so many of you are young but also very robust - 'this is a part of me and there's no point in denying it'. It's very good and very healthy for someone like wetatnight to say what he has to say, but I agree most with cpndl - be careful who you tell and what you wish for!
 

babyemo

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i want you all to take a moment and look at this from the other side, yes WE can all agree its not a big deal, but what about someone who is not into the fetish, my first gf hated the thought of used diapers so much she wouldnt go near a fully clothed fresh changed child! think its not a big deal for her? some people have no problem cleaning out porta-johns for a living while some wont even use a toilet outside their house. i have no harsh feelings against the person or the situation stated above. if you like diapers and she doesent like you in them, then that is an incompatability, and your marriage/relationship was built before everything was shared. i can totally see how this would be a deal breaker. i hate bees, i would never date someone who owned a bee farm. i hate kids, ill never date someone that runs a daycare or has a couple kids already.

all im saying is that we are a little jaded to the oddness, alot of people will see this as gross, why? because pee and poo is gross, and they dont want it on your butt, thats why!
 

ShippoFox

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I am understanding some of the reasons for not sharing the secret now. I wasn't taking into account that some people were married before they knew infantilism was so common. I guess anyone is more likely to hide something if they think they're completely alone in the world with it. However, it seems like keeping this secret should be avoided when at all possible. Anyone with the internet should now know that he/she is not alone in the world. It made sense in the past, but now it's increasingly unreasonable to keep infantilism a secret from a partner.

timmywimmy said:
I agree most with cpndl - be careful who you tell and what you wish for!
Exactly why I never want to be in such a situation. I don't want to be with someone for a long time, then have it all ruined by one secret. It's terrible. I've heard of amazing numbers of ABs/DLs finding happy relationships with accepting partners.... that's what I want someday. I just hope it's not some kind of dream.

babyemo said:
all im saying is that we are a little jaded to the oddness, alot of people will see this as gross, why? because pee and poo is gross, and they dont want it on your butt, thats why!
As you said, it's an incompatibility. Just another reason for me to not want to be with such a person. Also, if the "grossness" of diapers in that person's mind outweighs her love for me, then who knows what else could as well?
 

TOAccountant

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Keeping secrets is never a positive thing but there are many reasons. For many its fear of rejection. In a relationship there should be the trust between the couple to be open. For my self it took me 3 years to tell my lover about being a DL. I feared rejection but I also never saw it as a large part of my life. I'm very private about it and only wear when my by my self so I was confortable with keeping it that way. When I did tell her she didn't freak out but was weired out a bit and currently has not shown an intrest in it. I don't plan to force her to wear or even see me wear because I don't think she would want to. I also like that I have some thing thats for me alone. I would not find the same attraction to wearing if the other person was not intrested and was just enduring it for me. That being said I have talked more with her about the AB/DL connunity here and often menction topics being discussed in the off topic section so whats going on "on the boards"
 
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