Need Some Advice

[xdeadx]

For the past few months I've become very close friends with someone who is now very important to me. He means basically the world to me and I would do nearly anything for him. But the problem is that he is suicidal sometimes... And I've been hurt by the thought of losing him and lost sleep over it by staying up all night trying to talk him out of the suicidal feeling. But the fact is I don't care about the burdens on me as long as he is alright.

Just today, he said he had planned for a few days... Just for the right time when he was alone and had access to "things" so he could kill himself. When I came up online just to check on everything cause I just had the feeling something might've been wrong... I found this out when I was talking to him and a few other friends... And I know they are burdened by this also... But still the fact is I really don't give a flying **** about the burden it is putting on me.

Now, after calling his mother to get home as fast as she can to help him, I'm hysterical and just crying my eyes out cause I don't want to lose him. At least not from suicide... But thank god, he stops after I talk to him for a while and his parents get there. Now I'm just crying from the thought that I nearly lost him and just hysterical and I really don't know why.

My sister had been down doing her homework and she needed help. But in the middle of all this I really just couldn't. I mean, damn a life is more important than flippin homework that I can help her with later on.
(ignore the teenage explanation of a conversation here, just try to understand it) So my step-dad busts in and starts yelling and cussing at why I didn't help her. I yell back that my friend is suicidal and I'm sitting here trying to help him. He tells(yells) at me that that is not more important then family. So I'm like a life is more important than homework. He yells at me no it's not and tells me to get off the computer.

^ After all of this my mom comes home yells at him for a while for not understanding and then comes up to find me crying my eyes out listening to music to try to soothe me. I see her come in through my headphones off and just hug her for a while.

We had this deep talk after the hugs, and me sobbing. She was talking about how helping him is putting a burden on me. She said it's been affecting my personality and in general just who I am. She said I shouldn't have to deal with his problems. But... I just... I don't know. I want to... She said It's just because of my caring personality and the fact that I want to help everyone, but this is different. I just feel, devoted. I know I shouldn't but I do... She said that I should loosen the bonds between us... And just not care so much. She said Not neccesarily not be friends, I can still be friends with him, just not be his "therapist".

So again, I just need some advice... I don't know what to think or do...

 

[Grutzvalt]

Slap your mother and tell her to be a teenager in todays world, and then she will understand how that boy can be more important than her trust.

And I totally know where you are coming from with this...a few of my friends are like that most of the time...

"My little sister is beyond annoying...doesn't she understand how much I want to kill myself!!!"

When I hear that line... THAT is when i step in and tell him/her that killing themselves is a terrible idea...

And I think its great that you told his mother, even though I would probably have to kill you if you called mine, telling her I was about to kill myself...But still, you did a GREAT job in crisis management. You took the necessary steps to save a life...and yes, you DID save his life.

And...I love your caring personality, I would have tried to talk to him, but I would have never called anyone...Once again, great job! *Offers a corn on the cob...and a bottle of Apple Juice with a silicone nipple [I hate the color of the latex ones...]). *hugs*

~gwizzy~

 

[xdeadx]

Talking just wasn't enough I guess this time... I've been up all night before just talking... I just couldn't talk enough this time.

 

[BluTack]

I believe this is Zyph your talking about right?

Well ask him:
Why do you want to kill yourself?

Tell him:
Things may not be going right, right now but later in life you have a higher chance of becoming a billionaire if you do things right. Money may not exactly bring happiness but it shows that you can be successful in life and that you might have only one chance to do it. If you die now, you'll never have that chance.

I've been in almost the same place Blake.

I might have more to add but I can't think what else.

 

[avery]

you saved your friend's life today, and he is very very lucky that he has you looking out for him. at the same it must be taking a lot out of you to have to constantly be there to support him, and i think your parents are right to be concerned.

you need to make sure you're able to help your friend without damaging your own life too much. listen to your mom's advice, but listen also to what your conscience tells you. it's ultimately up to you to find your own ballance between caring for others and caring for yourself.

 

[xdeadx]

To Mickal:

I've told him things like that before... but it just keeps repeating... it won't stop... Maybe I should've done that this time also... I don't know...

What I really need help with right now is where do I go now...


Avery:

My mom also said I need to find a balance with caring for myself and others as well... But it's just hard to find that line without going over to one side or the other.

 

[BabyMullet]

I think you did perfectly well. I work in public health and teach suicide prevention classes, and you did an excellent job.

I think your friend needs serioes help, he needs to talk to a professional. It's important that you talk to friend, and check up on him, because that is what friends do. (Your mom just sounds concerned for your health)

Also make sure to take of yourself to. I know this is not so much of a burden for you to help your friend, but you still need to take care of yourself or you'll burnout, which is a very sucky place to be. I existed in a burnout for nearly 6 months and it was one of the worst times of my life.

To summarize

-Good job
-Get your friend help
-Take care of yourself.

 

[Paul_Fox]

First off... *tightly snugs blake*

Now, let me reassure you that what you did was all for the best. As Grizzy said, you did help to save a life. I/we dont want you to feel guilty for helping a friend. I know that you and this person are extremely close as ive been told on many occasions by this person.

Now, i want you to take a step back, have a deep breath.

I myself have gone through the same stage in life where all i wanted to do was end it. I had the help of many firends around me and it took me a fair while to get over it. During this time however i did lose a couple of friends because their parents thought i was too 'unstable'. They even cut me off totally and didnt want to speak to me. One thing that did teach me in the long run, was that i was too dependent on my friends for emotional support. Once i come to that stage it made me to alot of soul searching and i realized that there is more to life, i just need to find it. From then on ive been more social with everyone around me and made a heap more friends.

I do have to agree with your mother though about not being in the 'therapist' role. it is very hard on you and im sure youve got your own problems. One thing that you will try to have to do is let this person know that you are still his friend but try to get him to sort out some of the crap in his life on his own. The only way people learn the hard things in life is to figure it out for themselves and not have their therapist explain it to them. This time is going to be hard for everyone concerned but as long as you can reassure this person that suicide is not the answer, then youve done your job as a friend and saved a life.

The little bit of advice i have given is only from personal experience. Some people react differently to different situations. That being said i do strongly commend you for your efforts thus far but i do urge you, for your own sake, dont get involved any deeper as it will only cause further problems for you.

(this post i doubt will make any sense)

 

[Trevor]

I hope your friend will be able to appreciate what you've done for him. Ultimately, this is not going to be something you can fix. You can be available to him and give what help you can, but how things work out is really beyond your control. This is the hard bit, because it feels like you're the only one who can fix this horrible situation and if you just did that one magical thing, it'd be okay. You can look at it in the cold hard light of day and know that's nonsense, but it still feels like that.

The communication line between you and his parents seems like a crucial one, particularly if for some reason they're having difficulty coming to grips with the situation. They're the ones who have to get him some real, professional help. Is there any chance your parents could help impress this upon them? That's a super delicate matter, and it's possible that having another parent in the mix would only make them feel threatened, so consider that action carefully.

This is totally unfair for you to have to deal with, but it sounds like you're doing the best under the circumstances. You're both in all our thoughts.

 

[Peachy]

Both sides are understandable, but you certainly did the right thing. You have to make the decision what or who is more important to you, and you have to live with the result of your decision. And what could be more important to save a life - and not only some drunk wino's life (like I once saved), but the life of a friend who will - hopefully - give you something in return It's probably not as easy to understand for your step-dad than helping someone with the homework, especially when it's done through a network cable and the outcome is invisible.
I can also understand your family's position. Their primary concern is you, not your friend (it's your friend, not primarily theirs). And you say for yourself that the whole situation is loading quite a burden onto your shoulders, and that can't go on forever. So the primary concern would be help for your friend, but I'm not in a position to either evaluate the situation or suggest any solution. I sure hope you and your friend find a good solution for both of you that allows your friendship to last for a long, long time!

[old grouphug icon here] for Blake!

Peachy

 

[Roland]

[old grouphug icon here] for Blake!

What he said.

I was there too (If this was last night). He was telling me the same things, so basically I tried helping too. I don't know how much of a contribution I was.
It scares me, suicide. I had a friend who killed himself. It's a terrbly egoistical and pointless thing.

But about Zyph, I have multiply suggested help. I've talked to him a few times, but I'm not sure to what effect what I said was.

 

[Martin]

It scared the hell out of me to be honnest. On the other hand I was glad to be able to be there and help him too. And you did the right stuff and made the right choices Blake, great job! I really think you saved his life.

Anyhow Anyone that deals with situations where lives can be at stake will tell you that the golden rule is: "Always think of yourself first!"
Although this is hard when it involves a friend this close to you but it's even more important then. but I also know out of personal experience how easy it is to ignore yourself. (though I think you're closer to him as I am so probably carry more of the burdon (for which I have a lot of respect as I already find the amount that I'm trying to carry a lot).

What I'd say is to try and fiend someone you can trust and talk about it, it'll help and make it so you can help Zyph better. Take care of yourself though, if you collaps under this then you can't be of any help at all so it's a lot better if you do a bit less but still are able to help then for a while you'll do more but can't help later on. Keep being his friend but don't try to be his counceller as you won't be able to do that. They learn years to do that and it'll conflict in you being the friend you were for him which he really needs. Leave the councelling to the professionals. (being friends doesn't at all mean stop talking about these subjects!)

And yes I agree that a life is more important then homework. You made the right choices on all points yesterday and you earn credit for that.

:grouphug:

 

[Charlie]

Like avery said, listen to your mom, but listen to your conscience.

If you feel like you ought to help him, then help him all you can. But you'll know when it's too much.

If your friend is suicidal, they need professional help. Be a friend, give him someone to confide in, but it isn't your responsibility to keep him alive.

My advice would be to do whatever you feel is the right thing to do is, but remember that your role as a friend doesn't mean that you have to deal with all his problems, and you don't have to continually talk him out of suicide. There's only so much you can do to help, so try not to take it all on and end up hurting yourself.

I wish I could say more, but I really don't know anything about this type of thing. *Hugs*

 

[Sye]

Id first determine how serious the death threat is, Ive had three people (in my life) tell me they were suicidal, its the ones who DONT tell you theyre suicidal that you need to watch out for.

Seriously, one time a friend told me "I put myself on 'suicide watch'" (thats aparantly a program run by the samaritans or something), anyway, Im like, if you want to commit suicide, why would YOU put YOURSELF on suicide watch.

I know its not unheard of for troubled teens to commit suicide, just make sure its not a plea for attention.

 

[avery]

Id first determine how serious the death threat is, Ive had three people (in my life) tell me they were suicidal, its the ones who DONT tell you theyre suicidal that you need to watch out for.

Seriously, one time a friend told me "I put myself on 'suicide watch'" (thats aparantly a program run by the samaritans or something), anyway, Im like, if you want to commit suicide, why would YOU put YOURSELF on suicide watch.

I know its not unheard of for troubled teens to commit suicide, just make sure its not a plea for attention.

the problem with pleas for attention is that they can often result in real suicides. it doesn't matter WHY a person is talking about killing themself, you always have to take them seriously. how could you live with yourself if you dismissed something as just typical emo attention-whoring and then the person ended up dying?

baby_blake, it sounds like your parents may not have grasped what a serious issue this is. prioritizing your sister's homework over your friend's life is just ridiculous. still, i agree with what babymullet said: you can't handle this all on your own. your friend needs a lot more support than a single person can offer; in particular he needs to talk to a professional. you're an incredibly selfless, giving person, and i can definitely picture you taking everything on yourself and forgetting to look after your own life.

i hope this incident results in your friend getting the help he needs.

 

[Mr Alex]

I've considered it before, But why would you tell someone? If you plan on killing yourself, kinda counterproductive.

With Zyph that isn't the case.

 

[Corri]

*steps in*
Okay for those of you who don't know...
I have been playing lifesaver for both Zyph and Baby_Blake.....
Both of them.....
I care about more then anything else in this world right now. MY parents said the same thing, that it hurts me to.... Well **** IT!
I care about them.... Its my decision to but myself on the line for them.

Since last night I spoke to Zyph's mother....During this whole escapade.... I got him sent to the hospital...where at least someone with a degree can determine SOMETHING. I'd love to talk about what is troubling him..but that is for him to decide, which is about 9/10 of his problem.... He won't just....talk.......
I would love to go on and on about this....but its to hard for me now escuse me while I go away again...

 

[Trevor]

Kudos to everyone involved! I really hope there will be some progress and real help. It's more than you guys should have had to manage, but you all stepped up and did good. I'm hoping the best for everyone concerned.

 

[Dawes]

Indeed, it is amazing that you guys are such good friends and are watching out so closely for each other -- there aren't many people nowadays, it seems, that know the true importance of friendship.

However, I think this might have been a topic best left with annonymity. Medical issues and so-forth that some of our members are having, without their consent, should remain primarily their own private information. Blake did a really awesome job opening the thread how he did, seeking advice for an issue he expressed entirely without names. I think that would be the best way to negotiate something like this in the future.

Remember, even though we're all friends here, we are still worlds apart, and some things might best be left without a name until such a time as that person comes forth to speak of their own behalf.

 

[Vladimir]

Slap your mother and tell her to be a teenager in todays world, and then she will understand how that boy can be more important than her trust.

I agree. Your parents don't know your friends, that's why they don't understand why you care so much about him, just try to give them examples, ask your mother how she would feel if your father tried to commit suicide or whoever is close to her. If she still doesn't understand... Then who cares about what she thinks!? It's your and your friend's lives, she can't do ANYTHING about it, just ignore what she and your father say about him and your relationship with him, and if you don't want to help your sister with her homework, you just have to tell him that you need to be alone for a while or something. If you ignore them for a while maybe they'll leave you be. As for your friend's problem, try writing down arguments or stuff that might be useful for talking him out of the suicide thing. You know his situation more than I do so you should somehow be able to help him getting through these hard times. I hope this help.