Need help explaining “acceptance”

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anton

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My wife and i have been struggling with many issues over the years. We have been together for 24 years and married for almost 23 of them. We separated two months ago hoping to save the marriage. It appears to have worked. Tomorrow she is moving back home and we are working through several areas of conflict. On Saturday she asked me what acceptance of my diapers looks like. On the spot I did not (and could not) articulate it. It is not the reason for the separation (she knew within the first week we were dating), and I was not completely sure myself. I think I have come up with the answer, but wanted to run it by others that may have been/are in a similar situation. Throughout our dating and marriage, I have grown up and understood more about this side of me. In many ways, I have grown up and come to terms with most of it. Here is what I am planning on sharing with her based on a book we are studying together:

“What does acceptance look like? After rereading Chapter 2, the three critical components of comfort came to mind.

Touch: I do have a need to be touched, everywhere. Please don’t avoid my I midsection when I am wearing a diaper. I would love it if you felt free to playfully pat me on the behind, or gave me a squeeze from time to time. Touch has a way of reassuring me that we are ok and that I am acceptable to you.

listening: sometimes I need to talk about it. This is a topic that spends a lot of time in my head alone, which can distort things and give them greater meaning than they deserve. Say the word ‘diaper’. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed when you say it. Just the opposite most of the time.

Relief: I’m ok and you are ok with me the way that I am. I think I need to see and hear that from you from time to time.

Other: there are other things that I would love from you. I understand that these things may be very challenging for you and that’s why they are in a separate section.
I would love to be diapered by you. In the morning after a shower, at night after lovemaking, sometime when you want to show me love in a different way. I do not see this a sexual in nature, but rather an expression of love and caring.
I would love to be surprised by you wearing a diaper. I know that you know how sexy I think you look in one, and would I be (so many expressive words that I can’t pick one), on top of the world?”

Any advice before I share this with her?
 

ozbub

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Hey, nice that y’all have got back together. Things are probably pretty vulnerable right now, and although she’s asking questions, I’d still tread lightly.

Sure this is something she’s known about for ages, but apparently hasn’t really engaged in, so the first three points you’ve made seem quite reasonable. The other sounds like a quantum leap.

I’d seriously just go with the first three, and when she’s comfortable with touching a talking, then you might start to invite her to journey deeper into it.

I’m just saying, sometimes it’s wise to take your time building a house of cards.

Good luck.
ozbub
 
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NeverKnow

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I'm also glad things are working out, and I wish you luck in the future.

You say that diapers weren't the reason for separation, so I'm not sure how your wife feels about the diapers or what her involvement has been in the past or why she has now asked what acceptance is. If she has in the past tolerated the diapers but has wanted nothing to do with them, then getting her to pat you on the butt or use the word 'diaper' in relation to her husband could be asking a lot. You're calling these 'needs', which makes them sound like demands. I'd stick with the language of what you would 'love' for her to do, but always only if she is comfortable.
 

Trevor

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I think it's good to be as clear as you can and right off the bat, you're talking about acceptance, which to me is different from tolerance, although by dictionary definitions, they can be pretty similar or at variance. The examples of what acceptance would mean to you are probably helpful but like some of the other posters, I think you might want to hold back unless their immediate absence is a deal-breaker. Maybe just describe these items as not all-inclusive but just to indicate the kinds of things that you're looking for.

If it were me and I wasn't into making a list, I think keeping it brief would be to say that I'd want my partner to be able to express a sense of joy with me in relation to diapers. If they can't have fun with it and with me in conjunction with them, it's probably not going to work out over the long haul. I wish you well with your efforts.
 

dogboy

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I agree with all the above so I'm left with just this. What happens if she says she is uncomfortable with all of it? If you're having marital problems in other areas, you may want to go slowly with regards to diapers and diapering. I understand the desire but you may be asking for more than she can give. I would turn this more into a discussion with your wife, asking for her opinions and finding out what she is comfortable with. You may need to give her some ownership into this.
 

teddytugger

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I'd do this in the safety of a couples therapist. I'd probably discuss it privately first and make sure the therapist will be supportive of both of you. I also agree that you should tread lightly on this if it isn't the reason for your separation. I'd go slowly and ask why she wants to know and try bringing up one thing at a time and ask her to try it, if that's the point. Start with easiest, saying the word diaper, maybe. I am having a very similar struggle with my wife incidentally though I'm new at this.
 

anton

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Thank you all for your responses. We have been together for a long time and she has known about my emotional need for diapers since the beginning. As I have gotten older, I have learned a lot about what this all means to me, most of which I did not really know back then. She has been tolerant of me and diapers for the last 15 years. Our separation was brought about due to multiple issues that really have been there from the start and have much to do with our own childhoods and upbringing. We are learning more about why we respond to each other the way we do, and how to communicate more effectively and lovingly to each other. When she asked me what acceptance looked like, it was to get a better idea of what that looks like in light of our recent conversations and new understandings. None of these will be a surprise to her.
 

Runner

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I know this is a bit late but I'm glad things are looking up for you. I can very much relate to your desires of acceptance. Although my wife and I have never separated, a lot of that same tension over the diaper issue has come up at times. We are going on 12 years together and I've come to a slightly different conclusion that, knowing that she also has strong emotional needs, I've not always placed hers over my own perceived "needs" at times. While I would very much want some of the same things you outlined, it wouldn't be taking her feelings and desires into consideration. At this point in my own relationship, I feel it's more important to focus on growing our bond and intimacy by listening and communicating my love for her than pushing her to interact with me in the context of diapers for my own gratification. I know all relationships are different and please don't take any of that the wrong way, I'm just saying where I'm at at the moment. I wish you well and hope things only get better and better. Cheers
 

anton

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Runner, you make a great point. I am really desiring a strong emotional bond with my wife as well and am working toward that. We are in the early part of the process of reconsiling and are really taking a look at our relationship as a whole and repairing what we can. Thanks for the response!
 

ieyasu

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Anton,

I've been married to my wife for 25-1/2 years and she has known about my desires for about 27 years. (I told her within the first few months of dating her.) Just because she knew about my desires didn't mean that she liked them.

Early on in our marriage, I brought home adult diapers and it didn't seem to bother her. She even let me diaper her a couple of times. As time passed and children came into the picture her tolerance diminished. Diaper related topics became taboo. Whenever the topic was brought up or my stash was discovered the situation was not pleasant.

As our children grew and I learned to better control the Splurge and Purge Cycles the tolerance started to return. My wife is not ready to be around me when I'm diapered but the topic no longer causes anger. She knows about my stash and that I typically wear diapers on business trips but she doesn't want to see them.

My advice is to take it slowly and watch the signs. If I had been more in tune to the signs I would not have driven away my wife's initial acceptance.

I hope that it all works out for you.


-Ieyasu
 
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