Need Advice- Parents Divorce

LittleBabyGirl19

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So, my parents are getting divorced. I understand why. My mom has given my dad endless chances from as little as I can remember. He is a violent alcoholic & kept going behind my mom's back & doing it anyway. What tipped it off for the divorce is alcohol, drugs, & cheating. My mom has him completely blocked. Now, he keeps trying to get in contact with me. He keeps sending me messages every time I log on. At first he kept sending me messages trying to get me to tell my mom things. Now he is sending me messages to talk to him. But I don't trust him. I feel bad if he is in pain. I feel bad for even the more evil people in pain. I haven't responded to any of his messages. I'm just afraid to talk to him because I'm afraid he will constantly lie to me or try to get things from me. He is very deceiving, but I feel bad for him because he is my dad. I can't talk to anybody else because my entire family hates him. And my family wouldn't understand if I tried to talk to him. He's done so many bad harmful things to my family throughout my entire life. I can't trust him. But I feel bad for him. I don't know what to do. My family would hate me if I talked to him. He constantly is trying to message me & it makes me depressed because I'm lost in what to do... as a Christian, I'm told to forgive & forget, but he has done so many bad things scarring to my life & my mom's life & my other family member's life mentally & physically. I think of bad people dying alone unhappy & going to hell. And I haven't seen my dad in a while, but I know he starves himself & drinks huge sums of alcohol. I don't know how much drugs he has. But in that condition, I feel like he could die any time. And it makes me feel worse for not talking to him even though he acts like a pretty bad person a lot. I do have happy memories with him. Just 75 percent are bad.
 

IRugrat

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Follow your heart. He may go through treatment if you ask him. If your a dady girl it's worth a try. I know I would fall off the end of the earth for my daughter. Or just doing nothing like you been is always an option to don't put yourself in harms way if he asks what goes on in your home switch topics or say im not comfortable to tell you yet. If he is hard to talk to or your scared of him leave well enough alone again do nothing like you have been I hope this helps
 

Andustar

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I share your torment and pain. I had a very similar father to the one you describe. My mother divorced him when I was a small kid, like 5 or 6, but we never really cut him out of our lives. We would let him live with us in the wintertime so he wouldn't be freezing on the streets. He will always be your dad, and if you cut him out, you will regret it. My brother cut our father out of his life and regrets it to this day. Our father's alcoholism killed him. It was ruled a suicide because he had narcotics and alcohol in his blood, and my brother never got the closure one needs when a parent dies.

The advice I give is: Set your boundaries with him and maintain them resolutely. To be Christian is to forgive, but not forget. Only if someone is truly repentant can they receive forgiveness. Alcoholism is an insidious beast. Your father probably doesn't want to be the way he is, but may be incapable of escaping his addictions. Stay strong in your boundaries, but if you desire a relationship with your dad, pursue one. It will haunt you if you deny the connection you have. Do not enable his addictions, and do not be his messenger. Offer the love you have, offer the support, do not be a crutch. Encourage him to seek the love of Christ.

Good luck to you, I hope you find peace with this. It is not your fault, and you can not fix your dad. You are loved, and you are not alone. If you want to talk further feel free to shoot me a message or reply to this thread.
 

ltaluv

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Only you can decide what sort if relationship to have with your dad. Your family does not get to make that decision.

Andustar is exactly right: set boundaries, and stick to them. Decide what sort of relationship you want to have, and then do what you need to do to have that relationship. If you don't trust him not to lie to you, then don't believe the things he says without independent proof. If you're worried about him trying to get things from you, make a hard rule that you will not give him anything, ever. If he tries to use you as a confirmation for information to or from your mom, tell him that you won't play that role, and don't pass along anything.

The rest of your family may not understand you having a relationship with him, but at the end of the day your relationships are your concern, not theirs.

Fair warning, though: there is always the chance that your family will focus their anger on you instead of him if you do have a relationship with him. My sister hasn't spoken to me in many years because she's angry at me for having an ongoing relationship with my dad. Very different situation from yours, but it's definitely an area where you'll want to tread carefully.
 

LittleBabyGirl19

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Only you can decide what sort if relationship to have with your dad. Your family does not get to make that decision.

Andustar is exactly right: set boundaries, and stick to them. Decide what sort of relationship you want to have, and then do what you need to do to have that relationship. If you don't trust him not to lie to you, then don't believe the things he says without independent proof. If you're worried about him trying to get things from you, make a hard rule that you will not give him anything, ever. If he tries to use you as a confirmation for information to or from your mom, tell him that you won't play that role, and don't pass along anything.

The rest of your family may not understand you having a relationship with him, but at the end of the day your relationships are your concern, not theirs.

Fair warning, though: there is always the chance that your family will focus their anger on you instead of him if you do have a relationship with him. My sister hasn't spoken to me in many years because she's angry at me for having an ongoing relationship with my dad. Very different situation from yours, but it's definitely an area where you'll want to tread carefully.
That's one of the things I'm worried about. My entire family hates him. I feel like if I were to have a relationship with him. My family wouldn't like me & judge me for it. And question it every time I see them. I feel attacked easily & I'm very sensitive. I'd easily be hurt & feel alone.
 

ltaluv

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That's a tough spot to be in, feeling like you have to choose between family members. I'm sorry your family is putting you through that.

Do you have a minister or pastor you can talk to? That might help you clarify your own thoughts.
 

Cottontail

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I'm lost in what to do... as a Christian, I'm told to forgive & forget, but he has done so many bad things scarring to my life & my mom's life & my other family member's life mentally & physically. I think of bad people dying alone unhappy & going to hell. And I haven't seen my dad in a while, but I know he starves himself & drinks huge sums of alcohol. I don't know how much drugs he has. But in that condition, I feel like he could die any time. And it makes me feel worse for not talking to him even though he acts like a pretty bad person a lot. I do have happy memories with him. Just 75 percent are bad.
You don't need to have all the answers right now, and you don't need to have all the answers before messaging your dad. It might suffice to simply let him know that you're hurt, that you still feel for him, but that you need time to process things and you think he would benefit from the same. That would be reasoned and noncommittal, would (hopefully) alleviate any guilt you might feel for not replying to him, would leave the door open, and would also avoid any sort of confrontation with the rest of your family about playing both sides.

But... Ugh. I sympathize!
 
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trysexiea

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So, my parents are getting divorced. I understand why. My mom has given my dad endless chances from as little as I can remember. He is a violent alcoholic & kept going behind my mom's back & doing it anyway. What tipped it off for the divorce is alcohol, drugs, & cheating. My mom has him completely blocked. Now, he keeps trying to get in contact with me. He keeps sending me messages every time I log on. At first he kept sending me messages trying to get me to tell my mom things. Now he is sending me messages to talk to him. But I don't trust him. I feel bad if he is in pain. I feel bad for even the more evil people in pain. I haven't responded to any of his messages. I'm just afraid to talk to him because I'm afraid he will constantly lie to me or try to get things from me. He is very deceiving, but I feel bad for him because he is my dad. I can't talk to anybody else because my entire family hates him. And my family wouldn't understand if I tried to talk to him. He's done so many bad harmful things to my family throughout my entire life. I can't trust him. But I feel bad for him. I don't know what to do. My family would hate me if I talked to him. He constantly is trying to message me & it makes me depressed because I'm lost in what to do... as a Christian, I'm told to forgive & forget, but he has done so many bad things scarring to my life & my mom's life & my other family member's life mentally & physically. I think of bad people dying alone unhappy & going to hell. And I haven't seen my dad in a while, but I know he starves himself & drinks huge sums of alcohol. I don't know how much drugs he has. But in that condition, I feel like he could die any time. And it makes me feel worse for not talking to him even though he acts like a pretty bad person a lot. I do have happy memories with him. Just 75 percent are bad.
I think the best that can help you and especially if you can is go to a specialist, or you can do psy by yourself to yourself directly but it's complicated and need more time

Otherwise the best you can do actually is blocking your dad on all place, yes it's your dad but it's also a human and some people don't deserve attention, yes it's hard to do, but the Life work like that sadly.
 

daddyconnor

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My uncensored advice is that you see a licensed therapist about this. They have the training and experience to guide you. And chances are they have dealt with similar if not identical scenarios with other clients.
 

Mojo

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So, my parents are getting divorced. I understand why. My mom has given my dad endless chances from as little as I can remember. He is a violent alcoholic & kept going behind my mom's back & doing it anyway. What tipped it off for the divorce is alcohol, drugs, & cheating. My mom has him completely blocked. Now, he keeps trying to get in contact with me. He keeps sending me messages every time I log on. At first he kept sending me messages trying to get me to tell my mom things. Now he is sending me messages to talk to him. But I don't trust him. I feel bad if he is in pain. I feel bad for even the more evil people in pain. I haven't responded to any of his messages. I'm just afraid to talk to him because I'm afraid he will constantly lie to me or try to get things from me. He is very deceiving, but I feel bad for him because he is my dad. I can't talk to anybody else because my entire family hates him. And my family wouldn't understand if I tried to talk to him. He's done so many bad harmful things to my family throughout my entire life. I can't trust him. But I feel bad for him. I don't know what to do. My family would hate me if I talked to him. He constantly is trying to message me & it makes me depressed because I'm lost in what to do... as a Christian, I'm told to forgive & forget, but he has done so many bad things scarring to my life & my mom's life & my other family member's life mentally & physically. I think of bad people dying alone unhappy & going to hell. And I haven't seen my dad in a while, but I know he starves himself & drinks huge sums of alcohol. I don't know how much drugs he has. But in that condition, I feel like he could die any time. And it makes me feel worse for not talking to him even though he acts like a pretty bad person a lot. I do have happy memories with him. Just 75 percent are bad.
we are called to forgive because Jesus forgave us but we are not required to forget just because you forgive some one does not mean you still dont blame them for what they did or how they hurt you in order to forgive someone you have to realize that you place blame on them for hurting you in the first place. this in you has held them accountable for there actions and if you forgive them you release them or forgive the debt but this doesn't mean you will not remember the hurt you endured this is gods way of reminding you of how important forgiveness is and when you forgive someone you dont have to tell them unless it may be courteous to do so but you dont have to continue a relationship with this person you dont have to reconcile your relationship with this person either unless you feel the lord is moving you to do so

the only person you have to reconcile yourself to is Jesus Christ he loves you so much he has felt pain and rejection on your and everyones behalf he died for your sins in order that you might believe on him and be saved

i think this web sight can answer alot of your questions and they offer free counseling

 
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