My wife found my diapers

[LittleScotty]

So... After being with my wife for over 10 years and hiding my ABDL side for our entire relationship today she found two packs of diapers I recently ordered. Her reaction was not as I expected. She was obviously shocked and my initial thought was that my whole world was about to fall apart around me however she was calm and simply wanted to know why.

She knows about the issues I had as a kid psychologically that would cause me to have 'accidents' and the fact I often wore diapers or pull ups as after starting school etc but I told her I grew out of it in my teens. Ever since we met I've always hidden the fact I enjoy wearing diapers especially when I'm feeling particularly stressed or anxious. They're my way of relaxing and forgetting all the stresses in my life. I guess I've always felt embarrassed of what she would think of me, the strong guy that always takes care of everything, and works hard in a job that is quite demanding on the both of us. She is the most supportive person I know, and I couldn't imagine being without her but even so there's things I still feel I cannot open up about, my ABDL side being one.

I've tried to open up to her tonight and tell her about why I wear them but I struggled to find the words. I felt a sense of shame that I've never felt before. My throat went dry, my heart rate increased and after a long awkward silence with her just sat staring beyond me I began to speak. I told her that I'm often anxious and stressed due to work and other life worries and that diapers really help me in ways that nothing else does. I couldn't expand beyond that, I don't know how else to explain it to her and how it makes me feel. Her response was that she could help ease that by us talking to one another more, or even me talking to a therapist or councillor. She doesn't think I shouldn't need to go to such measures in order to feel relaxed. I sensed she just didn't get why I do what I do and she is seeking other ways for me to deal with things.
I appreciate that she wants to try and help me, but I feel that talking alone will not put me at ease the way diapers do. They've been in my lifestyle for so long now I don't think I can go without them, they're a form of comfort blanket for me. She asked how I use them, and how often and I even offered to open the packs and show her them but she declined. There was more awkward silences before I left for my night shift at work. I know she's still processing everything she's discovered tonight and what I've told her and I'm sure they'll be more questions tomorrow. I worry about how this will affect us going forward. This is a situation I've never wanted to find myself in.

 

[sbmccue]

I might have written your post myself, except that I assiduously avoid any opportunity for my wife to discover my secrets and I'm sure her reaction wouldn't be as calm. If you've been together for a decade, you'll be able to weather any storm this creates for you. Just remember not to let fear and shame guide your responses; try to be as calm with her as she has with you.

 

[RedPandaDL]

It took my wife a few days to even grasp what I was telling her. We had been married over 20 years, but I was new to being a diaper lover. She thought it was weird. A year later, we still don’t talk about it, but it doesn’t seem to bother her either. She has never treated me any different than before she found out. Your wife may never truly understand, but if she has loved you for so many years, this hopefully won’t change that. I hope she actually becomes more excepting than my wife, but if not hopefully you can have a mutual understanding and continue to enjoy on your own time. I wish you the best. Just take it slow and don’t get upset with your wife no matter what she says. It is a lot for her to process.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

Do you feel she may want to "cure" you of this? Or any other vibe?

 

[LittleScotty]

Do you feel she may want to "cure" you of this? Or any other vibe?

Potentially, but I'm really unsure as to what she really thinks to be honest.
We've watched TV shows on sexual fetishes before and there was a brief segment on ABDL's and she said then she found it weird, but she did with a lot of things on that show.

My ideal situation would be that she forgets all about it, it's never spoken of again and I can go back to wearing when she's out of the house

 

[PCBaby]

You have to throw yourself on your wifes mercy and come clean about your lifestyle. Try writing out why you need nappies and the when you have "the talk" with her use your written piece to help you explain.

 

[littledreamers333]

just write it on a piece of paper and tell her how they make you feel

 

[Deleted member 28729]

When I first told my wife 5 years ago (after 11 years of marriage) while we were laying in bed at night, she actually took it very well. She took the approach of “its weird, I don’t get it, but it’s not hurting anybody so you do you.” I was surprised and relieved with her very accepting attitude. I was on cloud 9 and went to bed that night the happiest man alive. I woke up in the morning and went to work still flying high, but that’s when it all fell apart. I started getting very hateful text messages from her saying I was a freak, possessed by the devil, not the man she married, etc. I went from elated to completely crushed. I honestly didn’t want to be alive. No, I didn’t consider suicide, but I just wished I would die somehow. I could barely concentrate the rest of the day at work and did not look forward to returning home to confront her. She basically told me it was her or the diapers. She was threatening to take the kids back to California where her parents lived until I figured things out. My whole world was crashing down. I could seriously lose my wife and kids over something as stupid as diapers. I promised her I would never wear again and I begged her to stay. She made me get rid of my diaper stash (sold it on offer up and she took the money from it). I did hold true to my promise and I didn’t wear as hard as that was. Then after about 4 months of not mentioning anything about the diapers to each other, she out of the blue said she had now had time to process it and said it was unfair of her to try to take away something I like. She gave me the okay to wear as long as it wasn’t around her or the kids. She must never see or hear anything about them. Not the best situation, but not the worst either. And that’s where we have been after 5 years. I hold out hope that she will one day allow more or even participate, but I’m not holding my breath.

 

[dogboy]

This happened to me and I was in panic mode, but my wife was very understanding and accepting. Give your wife a chance to process this and hopefully she too will be accepting. She may have questions so you might do a little internet research on why you enjoy wearing diapers. I had my ducks in order when I discussed this with my wife.

 

[LittleScotty]

When I first told my wife 5 years ago (after 11 years of marriage) while we were laying in bed at night, she actually took it very well. She took the approach of “its weird, I don’t get it, but it’s not hurting anybody so you do you.” I was surprised and relieved with her very accepting attitude. I was on cloud 9 and went to bed that night the happiest man alive. I woke up in the morning and went to work still flying high, but that’s when it all fell apart. I started getting very hateful text messages from her saying I was a freak, possessed by the devil, not the man she married, etc. I went from elated to completely crushed. I honestly didn’t want to be alive. No, I didn’t consider suicide, but I just wished I would die somehow. I could barely concentrate the rest of the day at work and did not look forward to returning home to confront her. She basically told me it was her or the diapers. She was threatening to take the kids back to California where her parents lived until I figured things out. My whole world was crashing down. I could seriously lose my wife and kids over something as stupid as diapers. I promised her I would never wear again and I begged her to stay. She made me get rid of my diaper stash (sold it on offer up and she took the money from it). I did hold true to my promise and I didn’t wear as hard as that was. Then after about 4 months of not mentioning anything about the diapers to each other, she out of the blue said she had now had time to process it and said it was unfair of her to try to take away something I like. She gave me the okay to wear as long as it wasn’t around her or the kids. She must never see or hear anything about them. Not the best situation, but not the worst either. And that’s where we have been after 5 years. I hold out hope that she will one day allow more or even participate, but I’m not holding my breath.

Wow, you went through a lot of mixed emotions, I really feel for you but I'm glad in the end she came around and let you be you.

I don't know what tomorrow brings for me. I worry how she'll react given she'll have had some time on her own to process everything whilst I'm at work.

 

[LittleScotty]

This happened to me and I was in panic mode, but my wife was very understanding and accepting. Give your wife a chance to process this and hopefully she too will be accepting. She may have questions so you might do a little internet research on why you enjoy wearing diapers. I had my ducks in order when I discussed this with my wife.

Thanks. I've actually been doing that tonight. Trawling the internet and finding articles that I can show her. This forum is actually a real help. Without it I don't know how I would cope with what's happened, it's great knowing that I'm not alone and that others have had the awkward conversation with their partners.

 

[littlemoosey]

Al

When I first told my wife 5 years ago (after 11 years of marriage) while we were laying in bed at night, she actually took it very well. She took the approach of “its weird, I don’t get it, but it’s not hurting anybody so you do you.” I was surprised and relieved with her very accepting attitude. I was on cloud 9 and went to bed that night the happiest man alive. I woke up in the morning and went to work still flying high, but that’s when it all fell apart. I started getting very hateful text messages from her saying I was a freak, possessed by the devil, not the man she married, etc. I went from elated to completely crushed. I honestly didn’t want to be alive. No, I didn’t consider suicide, but I just wished I would die somehow. I could barely concentrate the rest of the day at work and did not look forward to returning home to confront her. She basically told me it was her or the diapers. She was threatening to take the kids back to California where her parents lived until I figured things out. My whole world was crashing down. I could seriously lose my wife and kids over something as stupid as diapers. I promised her I would never wear again and I begged her to stay. She made me get rid of my diaper stash (sold it on offer up and she took the money from it). I did hold true to my promise and I didn’t wear as hard as that was. Then after about 4 months of not mentioning anything about the diapers to each other, she out of the blue said she had now had time to process it and said it was unfair of her to try to take away something I like. She gave me the okay to wear as long as it wasn’t around her or the kids. She must never see or hear anything about them. Not the best situation, but not the worst either. And that’s where we have been after 5 years. I hold out hope that she will one day allow more or even participate, but I’m not holding my breath.

Although I am happy you have come to an "agreement" I am was sad to hear how it all came down for you. That had to be very hard to go from being on a high, to feeling like you had made a major mistake in your life and questioning everything.

I really do not get it, and we have discussed this many times. I have been on this forum for almost 3 years now, and despite the fact that many have put forth their stories and many have explained the mindset of the common "wife" on this... I am still at a loss.

I still maintain that if wives/GF/SO could see that they are not loosing their man, but gaining a softer more gentle version of the same man; I cant not help but see it as a bonus. 2 men, one that provides and cares for the family and his wife; and one that needs his partner in a different way. Provided that men are living up to their responsibilities this should be a non event. If you are not living up to your partners expectations in every other way, if you have any marital issues already clouding the horizon; asking your wife to accept this is a non starter.

I have come to this conclusion regarding the willingness of a female to accept this in her partner. And I have come to it from reading these stories and asking questions of others that are looking for SO acceptance.

I think, the chances of a wife accepting an AB/DL partner are reduced by these factors:

1. Education... that is the higher the schooling the lower the chances. I think that those with degrees/advanced degrees develop a cynical/skepticism.
2. Professional... have spent allot of time being educated and developing a career... not allot of energy for entertaining an AB. Additionally, if they are working hard there is probably an expectation that their "man" should be doing the same. Also, how would this knowledge, that is, her contemporaries and co-workers finding out that they allow their husbands to wear diapers affect their career advancement and social status.
3. Children currently at home, especially young children still in diapers... if they are already caring for little ones, there is little energy left to entertain this "unusual character trait" in their husband. There is also the very real concern that their children may find out... what then?
4. Do they love children to begin with... when they had their little ones, were they good mothers? Or... could they not wait to put the kids in day care and get back to their career? If the latter ... a husband in diapers that may want them to interact... not happening.
5. Did they have a nurturing mother themselves? If not... forget it they probably never learned how to nurture and do not care to indulge that kind of behavior in their adult male partner, it is not in their DNA.

I think that all of the above has a profound effect on SO acceptance, it is not 100% and I am sure there are anecdotal exceptions... but not many.

I know what I have and with all of my heart wish that everyone of you could experience it.

Only you know what is right to do for your own happiness.

 

[AtPeace]

Not the best situation, but not the worst either.

I WISH my gf reacted this way. I told her I'd quit the fetish. God bless her soul she tried it even though she absolutely hated the idea of it. She told me she won't condone me wearing and basically said quit this or I'm out. So here we are. Idk if I'll ever not want to wear but right now it's not too bad.

Crazy what a woman you love can make you do.

 

[LittleMissPink]

She told me she won't condone me wearing and basically said quit this or I'm out.

Crazy what a woman you love can make you do.

Can you really love a woman who asks this of you? I'd be out of there quicker than I could reply an answer to that terrible ultimatum. Just saying if you can't talk to her, then I'd suggest you find another woman. You'll regret it 10 years later, married with kids and kicking yourself about the ridiculous and soul tearing promise you made. It's not a good deal, don't listen to the love bug.

 

[LittleMissPink]

Her response was that she could help ease that by us talking to one another more, or even me talking to a therapist or councilor.

She asked how I use them, and how often and I even offered to open the packs and show her them but she declined.

Give her time to take it all in. Just please don't get sucked into the 'therapist' cycle. A lot of partners do this. She isn't going to therapy to help herself understand you and your nappies, she is 'going to therapy' because she wants you to be told you're crazy and then she'll have a second opinion and it'll be 2v1. If she constantly wants to take you to therapy it's more likely that she'd rather change who you are than change herself.

Anyone's first instinct when exposed to anything new and weird is to make the other person change their ways and not their own. Only when they see that it's not possible to change the other person's mindset do they make the hard transition of changing their ways and understanding. This goes for every and anything not just fetishes. Brains are lazy and it takes more effort to learn something new and adapt to it than it does it convince someone else to change their ways.

You'll need to stay strong in who you are but also be understanding that she doesn't know it all yet and it's all very new and maybe even scary for her. Just kindly remind her when she thinks she knows all the answers to your problems (anxiety and stress) and how it can be cured without nappies, that you're firm in what you know works and it's a part of who you are.

I hope it works out well for you.

 

[bambinod]

Can you really love a woman who asks this of you? I'd be out of there quicker than I could reply an answer to that terrible ultimatum. Just saying if you can't talk to her, then I'd suggest you find another woman. You'll regret it 10 years later, married with kids and kicking yourself about the ridiculous and soul tearing promise you made. It's not a good deal, don't listen to the love bug.

What worries me when I hear this is: If THIS is enough to make her say "either that goes or I go!", then how committed is she? What happens if something else comes up that she doesn't like, that I can't give up? If we get in a car accident and my spine is damaged and now I have no choice, will she walk out on me over that too? It doesn't even have to be diaper-related - what if instead that car accident took a leg, or burned my face? Would she leave? That shouldn't even be something I should have to THINK about, but here we are. Makes me question just how "doomed to failure" such a fragile relationship is?

 

[sbmccue]

I think, the chances of a wife accepting an AB/DL partner are reduced by these factors:

1. Education... that is the higher the schooling the lower the chances. I think that those with degrees/advanced degrees develop a cynical/skepticism.
2. Professional... have spent allot of time being educated and developing a career... not allot of energy for entertaining an AB. Additionally, if they are working hard there is probably an expectation that their "man" should be doing the same. Also, how would this knowledge, that is, her contemporaries and co-workers finding out that they allow their husbands to wear diapers affect their career advancement and social status.
3. Children currently at home, especially young children still in diapers... if they are already caring for little ones, there is little energy left to entertain this "unusual character trait" in their husband. There is also the very real concern that their children may find out... what then?
4. Do they love children to begin with... when they had their little ones, were they good mothers? Or... could they not wait to put the kids in day care and get back to their career? If the latter ... a husband in diapers that may want them to interact... not happening.
5. Did they have a nurturing mother themselves? If not... forget it they probably never learned how to nurture and do not care to indulge that kind of behavior in their adult male partner, it is not in their DNA.

Much as I respect LittleMoosey's opinion, I'm not sure these criteria hold up under scrutiny.

Broadly-educated people tend to be more open-minded. I've had women with high school diplomas react very negatively to the idea of diapering and 'babying' an adult, while women with some college tend to seem more comfortable with the notion.

As long as diapers are worn (or used) in a private environment, professionals shouldn't feel that their work lives are threatened in some way.

I would agree that having children (especially very young children) at home can be a real, limiting factor for many.

As a general rule, I've found that the more maternal the woman – especially in the case of nannies and professional caregivers – the less likely she is to accept or be willing to participate in adult baby play.

I've had several women as babysitters who told me about how wonderful their mothers were ... and several who obviously despised their mothers. I'm not sure that sort of experience has much to do with acceptance.

As I've said many times, the biggest barrier keeping women from accepting a diaper-wearing SO is conditioning. If they grew up with younger siblings in the house, babysitting, or if they have some sort of childcare-related job or occupation, the chances of acceptance decrease dramatically.

 

[GermanDL]

Damn that is maybe the biggest fear a ABDL can have....

Well i suggest you come clean to her, right now she thinks that you are wearing because of
stress, and she is willing to help you to get lose of this diaper thing.

Be honest to her, explain her that it is not a symptom of a sickness, but rather that
it is a part of yourself, that it was always there and that it can't go away and more important
that you don't want it to go.

try to explain it as neutral as possible, maybe use some examples with other fetishes
Some Like S&M some Nylon you like Diapers....

Well ok im not sure if that helps, its just what i think, honesty is always the way to go.
Best Luck, keep us informed

 

[littlemoosey]

Much as I respect LittleMoosey's opinion, I'm not sure these criteria hold up under scrutiny.

More broadly educated people tend to be more open-minded. I've had women with high school diplomas react very negatively to the idea of diapering and 'babying' an adult, while women with some college tend to seem more comfortable with the notion.

As long as diapers are worn (or used) in a private environment, professionals shouldn't feel that their work lives are threatened in some way.

I would agree that having children (especially very young children) at home can be a real, limiting factor for many.

As a general rule, I've found that the more maternal the woman – especially in the case of nannies and professional caregivers – the less likely she is to accept or be willing to participate in adult baby play.

I've had several women as babysitters who told me about how wonderful their mothers were ... and several who obviously despised their mothers. I'm not sure that sort of experience has much to do with acceptance.

As I've said many times, the biggest barrier keeping women from accepting a diaper-wearing SO is conditioning. If they grew up with younger siblings in the house, babysitting, or if they have some sort of childcare-related job or occupation, the chances of acceptance decrease dramatically.

i agree with your position sbmcu, mine is not hard and fast and you will find anecdotal evidence on both sides.

you certainly have allot of experience looking for help in this arena, and have seen both sides of the spectrum.

My observations are solely based on my interactions with those who are looking for acceptance from their SO. Over time, I noted these commonalities. Nothing is in stone, and it is certainly not a reason to not try if that is what one is looking for. I would just go in very measured.

I think one of the most important items is, does the AB/DL keep up their side of the marital bargain and are there already cracks in the marital foundation. I think that if that is true, cracks, all of the other points are moot. The wife/SO will have every reason in the world not to indulge this unique personality trait.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

Can you really love a woman who asks this of you? I'd be out of there quicker than I could reply an answer to that terrible ultimatum. Just saying if you can't talk to her, then I'd suggest you find another woman. You'll regret it 10 years later, married with kids and kicking yourself about the ridiculous and soul tearing promise you made. It's not a good deal, don't listen to the love bug.

What really got me was @PaddedInEastvale 's situation, where his wife at first took a Semi-Fatalist Approach, then took the Religious Zealot Approach and finally used the Apologist Approach. To me, that seems like some genuine instability on her part, all within a rather short timespan. The real problem, IMHO, isn't a husband who feels more secure wearing giant Pampers...it's the Three Faces of Eve response over it by the wife. Worrisome. Again, JMHO.