My Story About My Fight With Mental Illness (WARNING: Sensitive Stuff)

kik91

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When I was 16 I got into a very deep depression. It was very bad, I was almost catatonic. So I was sent to a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with me and they realized I had bipolar disorder. Not just any bipolar, but a very severe case. Anyhow, I took anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and I got better. I almost flunked school, but everyone helped out so I could graduate and be able to move on to high school.

However, when I was 18, I got another very severe case of depression. This one was just as severe, I was flunking school, I was having panic attacks in class and I was literally losing my mind. They tried different new medicines but nothing was working, nothing they gave me managed to be working. The doctors said I was a suicide risk. So they decided to commit me into a psychiatric facility.

But that “cure” was the worst thing they could ever do. It wasn’t “cure”, it was a “nightmare”.

That facility was a complete mental asylum, on the outskirts of town. There was nothing surrounding it, like in the movies. Somewhere down the road, a place for darkness. There were no rooms for me, the building was going some constructions. Because they were no rooms, but the doctors were convinced I had to be committed, they did the worst.

They committed me with the criminally insane. The worst thing that could possibly ever happen.

I was thrown into a huge salon with 40 beds, no privacy, sharing my space with 39 people who were either drug addicts who had lost their grip and had atrophied limbs, or insane criminals who you couldn’t approach before they tried to take a bite. It was very very awful.

I cried for hours, I was so afraid. I had never cried so much in my life. It was a nightmare. The nurses were assholes, they beat up the patients if they misbehaved so I had no way to feel safe. I remember once that a patient took my toothbrush by accident, and the nurse just gabbed the toothbrush and started hitting him in the face with it.

I stayed there 2 days and a half. My parents visited me all the time it was allowed, and we mostly cried as I told them the horrors. I remember my dad coming in first the following morning after I was committed, and I just rushed to him and cried against his chest. He cried too, and my dad usually NEVER cries.

The whole experience was driving me to the edge.

The worst happened on the second night, I was going to the bathroom, and one of the patients approached me. He tried to sexually abuse of me, he dragged me against him and kissed me and touched me. But he was insane, so I managed to outsmart him and escape before it could get worse.

I crawled into my bed, surrounded by the insane, and cried again.

The next morning, my parents were allowed to visit me and I told them. My dad and mom did all the legal procedures to get me out of there as fast as they could. I was let out, but I was heavily traumatized.

After that, I started having nightmares and stuff like that.

When I was 19, the following year, I had another severe depression. I refused to go into that building away, just passing by made me have panic attacks. So I chose Electroshock Therapy instead. It was so scary, we were all very freaked out about that, but it was the only alternative for me to get better. So with all the fear ever, I started the Electroconvulsive Therapy.

It's the worst physical pain I've ever felt. I remember the crying faces of my parents as they put me into a stretcher and got me into the "operating room". They wired me up, and put me under.

I woke up feeling like an electric train had hit me at top speed. Every single part of my body hurt, every single muscle. Specially my jaw because it clenches so bad when they do the procedure. Also, since my brain was electrocuted basically, I had amnesia or confusion. It was horrible waking up like that.

My family (and sometimes my best friend) were always there when I woke up, and they would let me rest a bit after the procedure. I was so weak they had to help me stand up. They dressed me because I couldn't even put on my socks. My speech was mumbled. Anyhow, they would help me walk or carry me to the car (it's a come-and-go thing). They would drive me home and help me out. They had to feed me because I was too weak and sore sometimes to even hold a fork, and I couldn't chew very well. Then they would put me in bed so I could rest and recover, but it was a whole day of feeling so bad. I depended on them for everything.

I had 8 sessions, and each one was the same, some hurt more than others, but it still was a horrible pain.

But it did work, I started feeling better emotionally really fast after that.
However, when I was 20, I had to go through the ECT again, so that’s a total of 16 times in my life that my brain has been fried.

I’ve been committed 4 times into psychiatric hospitals ever since then. Those hospitals were good, the nurses were nice and I had my own room.

I guess I just wanted to share my story… about how strong and brave I think I’ve been.
 

kik91

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OMG. I feel so bad for you. What I just read makes me wanna cry.
Hi bud!

It's been super hard for me, yes. And it haunted me for a long, long time. Every single of those events left a toll. But here I am, standing tall and with a positive attitude, and a kind heart. I guess the point of this was saying that even after all that, I'm still fighting.

But thank you so much for your compassion.
 

Trevor

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I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Like a lot of things in mental health, ECT appears to have its uses but it was employed with far too much vigor. As awful as that was, I guess there's some solace that it helped and at least you weren't being treated at the time when quick and easy lobotomies were touted as the big cure all.

Stay strong. Keep going!
 

kik91

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I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Like a lot of things in mental health, ECT appears to have its uses but it was employed with far too much vigor. As awful as that was, I guess there's some solace that it helped and at least you weren't being treated at the time when quick and easy lobotomies were touted as the big cure all.

Stay strong. Keep going!
Thanks Trevor. To be honest, the ECT was a real pain and a very tough experience, but the time when I was in the criminal asylum tops that. Those had been the worst three days of my life.
 

Fireband

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Hey kik,
I know exactly what it's like living with depression. I've actually been in psych wards 5 times throughout my whole life. Mainly due to my anxiety causing suicidal thoughts. I literally almost died trying to kill myself once. I have so many mental heath diagnosis it's not even funny, but I do my best. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I too have had bad experiences with mental health hospitals too. One time, a patient made a homemade shank with a plastic spoon (the strong clear ones) and slashed my leg, so I know how bad nurses and patients can be. But, as bad as those hospitals might have been, they stopped me from ending my life. I'm glad to hear you are still fighting. Never surrender, you are strong.
Fireband
 

kik91

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Hey kik,
I know exactly what it's like living with depression. I've actually been in psych wards 5 times throughout my whole life. Mainly due to my anxiety causing suicidal thoughts. I literally almost died trying to kill myself once. I have so many mental heath diagnosis it's not even funny, but I do my best. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I too have had bad experiences with mental health hospitals too. One time, a patient made a homemade shank with a plastic spoon (the strong clear ones) and slashed my leg, so I know how bad nurses and patients can be. But, as bad as those hospitals might have been, they stopped me from ending my life. I'm glad to hear you are still fighting. Never surrender, you are strong.
Fireband
Dear Fireband,

I am glad you can understand how I feel. I am so happy you are, like me, fighting. Before, I used to fight just to stay alive, but now I fight to be happy. I know we can do it. I return the favor, if you ever need to talk. I'm here. Don't doubt to hit me up.

Love,
Kik91
 

Leio

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Hey kik...

I know how it feels like living with mental illness. I've been to psych wards three times in my life... although I was younger than you guys when I first started having problems. Once for my anorexia, and the other two times for my bipolar disorder. I've had good experiences in the psych ward and I've had some really bad experiences. I know that some nurses can be real assholes... though I've never been to a facility quite like the first one you've been to. I've gotten more stable with the help of medications and therapy. I'm glad to hear that you're still here and you're still fighting.

All I can really say is that you should never give up. You're strong. Hit me up if you need to talk.
 

kik91

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Hey kik...

I know how it feels like living with mental illness. I've been to psych wards three times in my life... although I was younger than you guys when I first started having problems. Once for my anorexia, and the other two times for my bipolar disorder. I've had good experiences in the psych ward and I've had some really bad experiences. I know that some nurses can be real assholes... though I've never been to a facility quite like the first one you've been to. I've gotten more stable with the help of medications and therapy. I'm glad to hear that you're still here and you're still fighting.

All I can really say is that you should never give up. You're strong. Hit me up if you need to talk.
I can say the same for you Leio. Everything you said to me, I say to you.

Let's fight together, and be there for each other when we need it.
 

egor

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Hello kik91 and thank you for sharing you story.

I have never been in this situation other then a psychiatric exam in the ER.

I have done phlebotomy training and did the blood draws on the patients. It was very interesting. Of course we had to take precautions and leave everything with the nurses at the nurses station.

It is more interesting to me the variations of facilities from one country to the next.
 

dogboy

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You lived a real, American Horror Story, in my opinion. Yeah, it makes me sad too. You know my story, going to a clinic when I was in college. They did both electroshock therapy and lobotomies there at the time and I was afraid that someone was going to raise the bar to the next level. My parents were like yours in that after going several times, I was able to convince them to cancel my appointments. My psychiatrist was getting angry with me.

I had a psychotic break when I was in 7th grade. I lost an entire week on consciousness, with no memories. I simply came out of it and said, "Where am I?" I was home in bed.

Life is sometimes hard on us, and given this site, I think life has been hard on a lot of us. I had an experience last night while I was sleeping that was most disturbing, but that is probably for another thread or a PM.

I hope you can hang in there and things don't go backwards for you. I'm glad you and your friend have a music project. My piano practicing has helped hold me together, that and a few other things which keep me busy. Being passionate about something and staying busy can be beneficial. My therapist talked to me yesterday about confronting my grief and leaning into it a bit more, so I'm trying to do that this week. But now, the house seems different. I'll leave it at that.

Hang tough my friend.
 

kik91

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You lived a real, American Horror Story, in my opinion. Yeah, it makes me sad too. You know my story, going to a clinic when I was in college. They did both electroshock therapy and lobotomies there at the time and I was afraid that someone was going to raise the bar to the next level. My parents were like yours in that after going several times, I was able to convince them to cancel my appointments. My psychiatrist was getting angry with me.

I had a psychotic break when I was in 7th grade. I lost an entire week on consciousness, with no memories. I simply came out of it and said, "Where am I?" I was home in bed.

Life is sometimes hard on us, and given this site, I think life has been hard on a lot of us. I had an experience last night while I was sleeping that was most disturbing, but that is probably for another thread or a PM.

I hope you can hang in there and things don't go backwards for you. I'm glad you and your friend have a music project. My piano practicing has helped hold me together, that and a few other things which keep me busy. Being passionate about something and staying busy can be beneficial. My therapist talked to me yesterday about confronting my grief and leaning into it a bit more, so I'm trying to do that this week. But now, the house seems different. I'll leave it at that.

Hang tough my friend.
Hey dogboy

Yeah, I know your story. I guess your youth wasn't as fun as mine either.

Those times in the criminal asylum were horrible, but I do remember one moment over there worth remembering. My dad visited me and we managed to find an empty auditorium, then we sat next to each other and we both broke into tears, he pulled me, his 18 year old son, into his lap and I started sucking my thumb. I fell asleep in his lap for like an hour. He rubbed my hair all the time. After spending all night crying and afraid, it was what I needed.

Electroshock Therapy is... well... it works but as I said, it is painful and messes with your memory.

I hope you can keep working on your grief, as I am with my depression. The music project is definitely helping. I started seeing a new therapist 3 weeks ago. I have a session a week.

If you need to talk, you know where to find me.
 

caitianx

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I myself as an Autistic with Cerebral Palsy, I have had to deal with chronic Unipolar Depression for decades.
I have never been in the Nut House.
But, I have had times when I should have been in restraints to stop self-injury/self-hitting episodes.
I am "better", but still need monitoring to not be "crashing".
At least I have my little brother to keep an eye on me, since I am a Disabled Senior Citizen.
 

Osito

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I guess I just wanted to share my story… about how strong and brave I think I’ve been.
Hi kik91,

Thanks for sharing your history. I'm glad you have got through those awful experiences, but very sorry you had to go through them.

I wish you well with your journey of recovery.
 
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