My eating disorder and recovery

niteboy

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I guess a content or trigger warning is kind of redundant, since the title of this reveals the content!

As this forum is really feeling like a safe space and there are so many kind people here who really seem to care about each other, I'm putting my toe in the water and sharing something personal but not really private to me, because it's something I've been open about in my day-to-day life (not so regarding littlespace and such).

I'm starting another round of intensive outpatient treatment for my binge eating disorder. It starts tomorrow. I'm coming at this with so much honest and clarity about what my problem is and I don't plan to leave until I get much better. I've been bingeing in a serious way the past several months, on a daily basis, and I'm starting to gain the weight back that I lost after having gastric bypass surgery in November 2019. Even if it makes me feel nauseous or bloated and I have to stop eating, as soon as I feel better I start up again. My numbers are creeping up again. I'm back in "pre-diabetic" territory in terms of glucose, and my triglycerides are above the maximum healthy range again.

All the clothes I was so excited to buy are getting snug and the physical activities I was enjoying...I'm starting to feel uncomfortable doing them again.
Bariatric surgery does not cure binge eating disorder. In some ways, it really triggered me more, because you get all of these new restrictions on what you should eat and when and how you should eat it. There is so much focus on food that unresolved, unhealthy food issues really rise to the surface.
So I'm taking a different approach this time. I am not judging myself (or trying not to judge myself) for these behaviors. I'm being more gentle and understanding with myself. I'm learning more about my inner child, getting to know him, honoring him, because that is the seat of the eating disorder. The eating disorder is my way of coping with anxiety and fear and depression. That seems to be the root of the problem (and some major OCD factors that I won't attempt to explain at this time, and it is there I need to direct a lot of attention.

In addition to exploring little space and diapers, I'm intentionally making inner-child time. I watched the late-90s film version of Dudley Do-Right just now, and if I was in adult mode, it would be lucky to get two stars. But it made my inner child happy so it got three.

I share this part of my life journey publicly (I also shared a version of this little essay on Facebook) because it's nothing to be ashamed of, and in our body-shaming culture, our "be productive and not lazy" and our freaking beach-body-worship-cult of a society, I want others to know that if they are suffering with eating disorders of any variety, they are not alone. Also, to share how things like fat jokes, skinny jokes, comments about peoples' bodies being attractive or unattractive, comments like "butterface" and "dilf" and even seemingly innocuous things like "dad bod" really have the potential to have a shaming, hurtful affect on people. I mean, I for one don't like people talking about my body AT ALL with me, because it's a sensitive matter.

Anyway, it starts tomorrow, and I know what I'm getting into (though now it's on Zoom until it's safer to meet in person) because I've done it before, from a less-aware mindset. I do hope for a meet-in-person reality, because , they recently adopted a therapy pig, and by god, I'm going to do therapy with that pig!

Love you all.
 

jasonm03

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I know how you feel, I just don’t like sharing my eating disorder problems with people because it’s not the easiest thing to talk about. I hope you get on the road to recovery what I learned is recovery is both mental and spiritual and it’s living one day at a time
 
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