My Childhood & Teenage Years --- Mental Health & Abuse

KitsuneFox

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This has been eating at me for a very long time ... these memories are very painful for me, and I have *never* shared them before with anyone .
I am not looking for sympathy ... I am not looking for attention ... this is just something I feel like I need to share .

My memory is very 'fragmented' ... I am only able to remember small parts of events from my life. I am not able to remember in-depth details .

I was born into a stereotypical poor family living in a trailer park. My mother was physically disabled, and my father was out-of-town working all the time. It was clear from an early age "something was not right" with me. (( Note: mental issues such as autism, aspergers, and the like where not well understood at the time. Most kids where diagnosed with generic ADD ))
At the age of 2, my brother was born ( I do not remember any of it ), he did not survive for very long. At the age of 4 my sister was born, and I soon found out I really liked diapers .

Me and my sister where reminded constantly by our mother we where not wanted. (( Note: both of us have attempted suicide )) . I still remember, many nights, at a young age, laying in bed crying my eyes out, wishing I would stop existing .

For kindergarten, I was enrolled in special education. First and second grade where normal classes, third grade I was thrown back into special education where I stayed. I remember the normal kids in the school always called us "speds" .

Age 10 or 11 I was thrown into a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for a while. From there I was moved into a foster care program for mentally disabled children. Bounced round a couple temporary homes, and from what I was told, came very close to becoming permanently institutionalized . (( Note: thinking back, that would have been a lot better for me than what happened next in my life ))

A foster family was finally found who was willing to take me in ... they believed all of my problems where caused by 'lack of discipline'. I was abruptly taken off my meds, and harshly punished for anything I did wrong. A lot of the time I was not aware why I was getting the stuffing beat out of me. Their favorite thing to use was a thick and narrow leather strap that was often times wet - it's name was 'George'. If they where really mad at me, I was stripped and horse whipped .
Things I liked or had an interest in where used against me as punishment. All my toys and stuffed animals where slowly destroyed in front of me. I had nothing to play with . Even the potted plant I had was thrown out a window, never to be seen again.

I had a lot of chores and 'special projects' around the farm. Beatings where common if I was being too 'slow or lazy' . I pretty much did everything while being 'supervised' .

I was pulled out of public school and enrolled into a small Christian school. After pre-enrollment testing, I was dropped back to a 2end grade level. My foster family took it as a sign I was being lazy and needed 'encouragement' to improve my grades. I often times had the stuffing beat out of me for doing poorly on tests, or even getting 'easy questions' incorrect on homework .
I really disliked grammar, spelling, and literature ... my bum was always red because I did not understand what I was doing. (( Note: to this day I am only able to spell at a 4th grade level - yay for auto spell check )) .
I never fit in at the school, for obvious reasons. Anything I did wrong at school, was met with punishment the moment I got home.
I was thrown into a very strict Baptist school the next year. The teachers recognized there was 'something not quite right' about me, and I actually didn't have a bad time at school that year.

I was bounced around a couple more Christian schools, before my foster family decided I would learn better if I was home schooled. If I got something wrong in my school work, I was oftentimes hit. If I got too much incorrect, I was beat .

I remember very vividly that I found the hand gun they kept in a dresser drawer, loading it, pointing it to my head and pulling the trigger. The only reason I am alive is the gun jammed.

The homeschooling I received was illegal, there where no records kept of my school work, and no yearly tests to determine my progress . I could not get a diploma . By the age of 18, I was kicked out and was homeless. My biological family wanted noting to do with me.
I intentionally ODed, but was found unconscious by someone before I could die . Was thrown into the psyche ward after I was released from the hospital. Since I was homeless trash, I was kicked out after 3 days.
Tried hanging myself not long after - the tree branch I selected was not strong enough to support my weight. I woke up laying on the ground, still alive.

Fast forward a couple decades, and here I am. I am socially awkward & isolated , and I have been told many times I am 'not quite right in the head' . My personally can best be described as 'withdrawn' and 'apathetic' . My physical health is deteriorating from from working industrial construction/maintenance projects, and many years of personal neglect - I have been exposed to a lot of dangerous stuff.

At least I have a Teddy and some diapers right now. That is a good thing, right ?

(( Note: I'm not 'stupid' or 'retarded', I just was not a 'normal kid'. My GED test scores showed I was in the top 10% in math and top 5% in science ))
 
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Illinoise

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Even though I fall somewhere between Deist and Agnostic on the belief spectrum, it sure sounds like Someone might've been looking out for you during all those failed suicide attempts. (maybe your baby brother who died, who the hell knows?🤔)

It breaks my heart😔 and angers😡 me in equal measure hearing about the hell on earth your foster parents put you thru. If they put you thru Christian schools, and were "Christians" themselves, they should've been familiar with Jesus' line about a "millstone around the neck and tossed into the sea" fate of those who would lead little ones astray. They deserve far worse.

Again, while I might not be 100% convinced of the existence of "eternal life", if there is a Heaven, I hope you get to happily skip or tottle thru the Pearly Gates. But I really hope that's not for a very long time, as you have an oppurtunity to help others work thru their own demons.

Sending virtual hugs.
 

caitianx

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I have had similar childhood abuse experiences as a person born with Cerebral Palsy and Autism.
My Dad was an Engineer.
But my Mom was an utterly psychotic nut-case.
 

Reigeltheradical

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This has been eating at me for a very long time ... these memories are very painful for me, and I have *never* shared them before with anyone .
I am not looking for sympathy ... I am not looking for attention ... this is just something I feel like I need to share .

My memory is very 'fragmented' ... I am only able to remember small parts of events from my life. I am not able to remember in-depth details .

I was born into a stereotypical poor family living in a trailer park. My mother was physically disabled, and my father was out-of-town working all the time. It was clear from an early age "something was not right" with me. (( Note: mental issues such as autism, aspergers, and the like where not well understood at the time. Most kids where diagnosed with generic ADD ))
At the age of 2, my brother was born ( I do not remember any of it ), he did not survive for very long. At the age of 4 my sister was born, and I soon found out I really liked diapers .

Me and my sister where reminded constantly by our mother we where not wanted. (( Note: both of us have attempted suicide )) . I still remember, many nights, at a young age, laying in bed crying my eyes out, wishing I would stop existing .

For kindergarten, I was enrolled in special education. First and second grade where normal classes, third grade I was thrown back into special education where I stayed. I remember the normal kids in the school always called us "speds" .

Age 10 or 11 I was thrown into a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for a while. From there I was moved into a foster care program for mentally disabled children. Bounced round a couple temporary homes, and from what I was told, came very close to becoming permanently institutionalized . (( Note: thinking back, that would have been a lot better for me than what happened next in my life ))

A foster family was finally found who was willing to take me in ... they believed all of my problems where caused by 'lack of discipline'. I was abruptly taken off my meds, and harshly punished for anything I did wrong. A lot of the time I was not aware why I was getting the stuffing beat out of me. Their favorite thing to use was a thick and narrow leather strap that was often times wet - it's name was 'George'. If they where really mad at me, I was stripped and horse whipped .
Things I liked or had an interest in where used against me as punishment. All my toys and stuffed animals where slowly destroyed in front of me. I had nothing to play with . Even the potted plant I had was thrown out a window, never to be seen again.

I had a lot of chores and 'special projects' around the farm. Beatings where common if I was being too 'slow or lazy' . I pretty much did everything while being 'supervised' .

I was pulled out of public school and enrolled into a small Christian school. After pre-enrollment testing, I was dropped back to a 2end grade level. My foster family took it as a sign I was being lazy and needed 'encouragement' to improve my grades. I often times had the stuffing beat out of me for doing poorly on tests, or even getting 'easy questions' incorrect on homework .
I really disliked grammar, spelling, and literature ... my bum was always red because I did not understand what I was doing. (( Note: to this day I am only able to spell at a 4th grade level - yay for auto spell check )) .
I never fit in at the school, for obvious reasons. Anything I did wrong at school, was met with punishment the moment I got home.
I was thrown into a very strict Baptist school the next year. The teachers recognized there was 'something not quite right' about me, and I actually didn't have a bad time at school that year.

I was bounced around a couple more Christian schools, before my foster family decided I would learn better if I was home schooled. If I got something wrong in my school work, I was oftentimes hit. If I got too much incorrect, I was beat .

I remember very vividly that I found the hand gun they kept in a dresser drawer, loading it, pointing it to my head and pulling the trigger. The only reason I am alive is the gun jammed.

The homeschooling I received was illegal, there where no records kept of my school work, and no yearly tests to determine my progress . I could not get a diploma . By the age of 18, I was kicked out and was homeless. My biological family wanted noting to do with me.
I intentionally ODed, but was found unconscious by someone before I could die . Was thrown into the psyche ward after I was released from the hospital. Since I was homeless trash, I was kicked out after 3 days.
Tried hanging myself not long after - the tree branch I selected was not strong enough to support my weight. I woke up laying on the ground, still alive.

Fast forward a couple decades, and here I am. I am socially awkward & isolated , and I have been told many times I am 'not quite right in the head' . My personally can best be described as 'withdrawn' and 'apathetic' . My physical health is deteriorating from from working industrial construction/maintenance projects, and many years of personal neglect - I have been exposed to a lot of dangerous stuff.

At least I have a Teddy and some diapers right now. That is a good thing, right ?

(( Note: I'm not 'stupid' or 'retarded', I just was not a 'normal kid'. My GED test scores showed I was in the top 10% in math and top 5% in science ))
 

armydipr

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This has been eating at me for a very long time ... these memories are very painful for me, and I have *never* shared them before with anyone .
I am not looking for sympathy ... I am not looking for attention ... this is just something I feel like I need to share .

My memory is very 'fragmented' ... I am only able to remember small parts of events from my life. I am not able to remember in-depth details .

I was born into a stereotypical poor family living in a trailer park. My mother was physically disabled, and my father was out-of-town working all the time. It was clear from an early age "something was not right" with me. (( Note: mental issues such as autism, aspergers, and the like where not well understood at the time. Most kids where diagnosed with generic ADD ))
At the age of 2, my brother was born ( I do not remember any of it ), he did not survive for very long. At the age of 4 my sister was born, and I soon found out I really liked diapers .

Me and my sister where reminded constantly by our mother we where not wanted. (( Note: both of us have attempted suicide )) . I still remember, many nights, at a young age, laying in bed crying my eyes out, wishing I would stop existing .

For kindergarten, I was enrolled in special education. First and second grade where normal classes, third grade I was thrown back into special education where I stayed. I remember the normal kids in the school always called us "speds" .

Age 10 or 11 I was thrown into a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for a while. From there I was moved into a foster care program for mentally disabled children. Bounced round a couple temporary homes, and from what I was told, came very close to becoming permanently institutionalized . (( Note: thinking back, that would have been a lot better for me than what happened next in my life ))

A foster family was finally found who was willing to take me in ... they believed all of my problems where caused by 'lack of discipline'. I was abruptly taken off my meds, and harshly punished for anything I did wrong. A lot of the time I was not aware why I was getting the stuffing beat out of me. Their favorite thing to use was a thick and narrow leather strap that was often times wet - it's name was 'George'. If they where really mad at me, I was stripped and horse whipped .
Things I liked or had an interest in where used against me as punishment. All my toys and stuffed animals where slowly destroyed in front of me. I had nothing to play with . Even the potted plant I had was thrown out a window, never to be seen again.

I had a lot of chores and 'special projects' around the farm. Beatings where common if I was being too 'slow or lazy' . I pretty much did everything while being 'supervised' .

I was pulled out of public school and enrolled into a small Christian school. After pre-enrollment testing, I was dropped back to a 2end grade level. My foster family took it as a sign I was being lazy and needed 'encouragement' to improve my grades. I often times had the stuffing beat out of me for doing poorly on tests, or even getting 'easy questions' incorrect on homework .
I really disliked grammar, spelling, and literature ... my bum was always red because I did not understand what I was doing. (( Note: to this day I am only able to spell at a 4th grade level - yay for auto spell check )) .
I never fit in at the school, for obvious reasons. Anything I did wrong at school, was met with punishment the moment I got home.
I was thrown into a very strict Baptist school the next year. The teachers recognized there was 'something not quite right' about me, and I actually didn't have a bad time at school that year.

I was bounced around a couple more Christian schools, before my foster family decided I would learn better if I was home schooled. If I got something wrong in my school work, I was oftentimes hit. If I got too much incorrect, I was beat .

I remember very vividly that I found the hand gun they kept in a dresser drawer, loading it, pointing it to my head and pulling the trigger. The only reason I am alive is the gun jammed.

The homeschooling I received was illegal, there where no records kept of my school work, and no yearly tests to determine my progress . I could not get a diploma . By the age of 18, I was kicked out and was homeless. My biological family wanted noting to do with me.
I intentionally ODed, but was found unconscious by someone before I could die . Was thrown into the psyche ward after I was released from the hospital. Since I was homeless trash, I was kicked out after 3 days.
Tried hanging myself not long after - the tree branch I selected was not strong enough to support my weight. I woke up laying on the ground, still alive.

Fast forward a couple decades, and here I am. I am socially awkward & isolated , and I have been told many times I am 'not quite right in the head' . My personally can best be described as 'withdrawn' and 'apathetic' . My physical health is deteriorating from from working industrial construction/maintenance projects, and many years of personal neglect - I have been exposed to a lot of dangerous stuff.

At least I have a Teddy and some diapers right now. That is a good thing, right ?

(( Note: I'm not 'stupid' or 'retarded', I just was not a 'normal kid'. My GED test scores showed I was in the top 10% in math and top 5% in science ))
I am a pragmatic fella, those thing you went through have made you stronger than many, because you persevere and are still here. its people like you with your experience whom often find a calling to help others. I have my pre military experiences, and traumas as well, we All do, find the lessons you have learned and pass them to other who struggle.
 

Calico

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According to statistics, kids with disabilities are more likely to be abused than a normal child. You were abused and the abuse did not cause your mental issues because they were already there before it started.
 

Sapphyre

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Unfortunately, I find I can personally relate to a little too much of this. o.o My parents were rather abusive toward me in similar ways — punishing me for doing things "wrong" but refusing to specify what was wrong about them (probably nothing at all), etc. I also learned to be careful not to reveal when I liked a given toy too much, lest it become the next thing I'm suddenly "too old to play with". I would pretend to like things I actually didn't care about so that they'd get taken away instead. They advocated for me to be put in special ed classes as well, but thankfully my teachers intervened. They also refused to send me to college because I was allegedly incapable of completing a degree… so I did it on my own. And did well enough to go on to grad school for free… so my parents can eat my shorts.

My father & stepmother nurtured something of an evil streak in me, which I needed to overcome them. As I grew older I took many of their lessons to heart, and began doling out punishments to them for very specific reasons that I of course refused to divulge, and just made them guess at. I would throw their things away, for example, until they figured out what they were doing wrong and fixed it. By that point, threats with the belt were met by reminders that I had a baseball bat. A metal one. Our relations ended not long after that because — as they would have put it themselves — they were just being pathetic crybabies about every little thing. No great loss on my part.

I'm sorry things were even harder for you than they were for me. The only real comfort I can offer is that it's never too late to pick up the pieces and start fresh. FWIW, I know lots of college grads who can't spell to save their life, and some who are legitimately dyslexic. If you're good with math you're way ahead already, and can proceed in many different directions…
 
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