My ABDL Story: A Memoir

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SimCo

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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
This post is meant to be a catharsis of my 31 years of experience as a secret ABDL. It is pretty long, but I plan to share this story in hopes of promoting a better understanding of our community by the medical/psychiatric community, so I wanted to be comprehensive. This post is mainly for the beneficial process “getting it all out in the open” for me, but if this story offers any insight, enlightenment, or comfort to any other ABDLs, then the time it took to write it will have been worth it.

Early childhood

Like most ABDLs I run across online, my ABDL desires have been part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Obviously, no one is born desiring to wear diapers, but my desires must be anchored in my very early experiences, because I have no recollection of being in diapers or potty training, and yet I remember being fascinated by diapers from my earliest memories.

I was born the second of 3 children to two loving parents. Both parents were active in the parenting duties when I was a baby, and I also had 2-3 young teenage babysitters that helped as well. So looking back, while I don’t remember ever having my diapers changed, I know that I was changed most by my mother, then my babysitters, then occasionally my father.

I was born 2 years after my sister, and for 5 years until my younger brother was born, I was technically the youngest child of my family. But I was never referred to as “the baby” or given any special treatment for being younger. In fact, I can faintly recollect that being a “baby” was a pejorative label that was meant to be negative reinforcement of what my parents saw as unacceptable behavior, and I distinctly remember that in my earliest years, I was more focused on being a “big boy” and trying to stay caught up to my older and more mature sister.

As I’ve said, I was out of diapers at a young enough age that I don’t remember being in diapers or the process of potty training. I do remember that I had some night time wettings early on that resulted in having to wake up a parent to change my clothes and give me new sheets. I don’t know if this is either because I was potty trained before pull-ups were invented, or because my parents chose not to give me trainers for whatever reason. When I had accidents, I don’t ever remember being threatened with diapers as a punishment.

Early memories and “Getting Caught”:

“Getting caught” is a nearly universal experience in the ABDL community. All of us have been “in the closet” at some point, if only at the very beginning, and many of us never come out. However, because ABDL desires clearly manifest in early childhood, ABDL children inevitably get caught, because children have no privacy from their parents, they are terrible at keeping secrets, and at any rate diapers are almost impossible to conceal from other people who live in the same house. When I was pre-pubescent, I was terrible at hiding anything from my parents, and I had not yet developed a sense of shame powerful enough to make me avoid exposure. Thus, I had a few memorable “getting caught” moments.

Though I don’t remember being in diapers as a child, one of my very earliest memories is of wanting to wear diapers. When I was around 4 years old, or certainly no older than 5, I slept over at a friend’s house for Christmas. His baby brother wore pull-ups at night, and as soon as I saw them in the package I was mesmerized. I’m not sure how, but I convinced my friend to wear a pair of pull-ups to sleep that night. This idea was definitely mine, and he only went along with it. He wore his pull-up over his underwear, but I was bold from a young age and wore my pull-ups without anything underneath or over.

Lo and behold, the next morning my friend’s parents woke us to Christmas morning and Santa’s presents by tearing the covers off the two of us. I remember pretending to be asleep but secretly watching them be surprised at first when they saw our pull-ups, and then confused as to how to handle the situation. Eventually they just put the covers back on us and let us sleep in, and this incident was never discussed that morning or ever again. But, this is the first instance of what I’m sure is a common theme among ABDLs – getting caught during childhood.

My next diaper memory was from when I was maybe 5, but before I turned 6 because my brother was not born yet. My mom’s parents have a lake house we used to go to every weekend when I was younger. On one fateful weekend, I somehow discovered an old diaper in the bathroom that my grandmother kept “just in case.” This is my first memory of the urge being so powerful that I could not stop myself – I had to put the diaper on just once, just to see how it felt. I camped out in the bathroom and tried in vain to put on a diaper that was several sizes too small for me. I must have been in there a while, because my parents sent my sister in to check on me. She suddenly barged in the bathroom while I was laying on the floor, completely naked, trying to stretch a size 2 or 3 diaper over my waist. I was shocked and horrified, and I remember hearing her through the door tell my parents clear as day, “he’s lying on the floor trying to put on a diaper.” I died of humiliation a few times over before eventually coming out to face the music. However, no one uttered a word of this experience, for which I am grateful. Even from that young age, I was already intuitively aware that what I was doing with diapers was “not normal,” and should be hidden from others.

Also around this time, I hadanother friend – Mike – who had a family with children who were still in diapers. Unlike my parents, who seemed to want to get their children out of diapers as early as possible, Mike’s mom did not hesitate to diaper her younger children at night while they still wet the bed, and I know the three youngest children (2, 6, 8 years old) all had to wear diapers on one long road trip. While my parents seemed to view diapers as a temporary inconvenience they had to put up with when their kids were young, Mike’s mom seemed to look fondly on diapers as a parenting tool. At this time there were 5 kids in Mike’s family (#6 was about 5 years after me), in varying stages of potty training, and Mike’s mom’s attitude was “better safe than sorry,” meaning she would rather diaper a child who is slightly too old for that instead of cleaning up messes all the time.

Mike’s house was my favorite place to sleep over as a young child because I could be close to real diapers and diaper wearers. I remember being very young and Mike’s mom making him wear pull-ups when we shared a bed together, and regretting that I did not get the same treatment. As Mike and I got older, his younger brother still wore pull-ups during the day and diapers at night until he was about 5. Every night his mom would make a big production about diapering him for bed, and his brother would put up a fuss and resist (I think mainly because he didn’t want to hold still long enough to be diapered, not because he didn’t like being diapered per se). Consequently, I got to experience lots of “vicarious” diapering through Mike and his siblings, and I was always insanely envious of them. Unfortunately, I never got the opportunity to wear at his house or sneak diapers away for me to wear at home.

Finally, when I was about 7 or 8, I began to share my diaper desires with a girl who lived on my street, who was maybe 5 at the time. My ABDL desires were obviously well-formed by this point, because I remember sharing my ABDL side with her late at night when her parents went to sleep. Once again, this was all my idea, she just went along as young children are wont to do. There were no diapers around in her house or mine at this time, so simply talking about diapers was my only outlet. We never did any roleplaying or anything sexual, just talking diapers a lot. Eventually, her parents asked her what we were talking about late at night, and she told them. Her parents called my parents, and this time there would be no “letting it slide.”

I remember being called into the living room alone with my parents for a dreaded “family conversation.” These conversations were always a total drag, and were sometimes painful, as they usually involved discussing what I had done wrong. My father started by telling me he knew what I had been talking about with the girl down the street, and then asking me “Why do you have such a fascination with diapers?”

My parents expressed concern about my unusual desires, albeit in a loving but confused tone. Finally, my father asked me, “Do you want us to go out and buy you diapers and put you in them?” I immediately said no and promised to never think of diapers again.

For most ABDLs – who often fantasize about being diapered by a parent – turning down this very request may seem like a missed opportunity. However, I was devastated by humiliation when my parents confronted me. Looking back I don’t even know why I was so humiliated by it, since at 6 or 7 years old I was years away from any sexual development at that time. My only explanation is that I had a deep-seated intuition that my fascination with diapers was not “normal” and would not be approved of. While I don’t believe I was ever diapered or infantilized by my parents as punishment, I keenly remember during my entire youth that I wanted to be more grown up and catch up to my sister, not less grown up. And the thought of being diapered by my father was too humiliating to even imagine at that time. As I got slightly older, I came to feel the same way about being diapered by my mother as well.

Suffice it to say, by this point I knew my desires were a secret to be guarded closely, and not to be shared with others in my home or elsewhere. I was traumatized by this conversation with my parents, and I swore up and down I would leave diapers alone if only my parents would forget the whole ordeal. And for several years, I made good on my promise to them.

Puberty:

My earliest diaper experiences were completely non-sexual (I didn’t even know what sex was at that age). I resisted the urge to wear diapers in the intervening years, including the full time my baby brother was in diapers, and I honestly don’t remember even thinking about them at all. By and large as I got into middle school I began to masturbate as I assume is typical of other heterosexual males, and my fantasies at the time were just pictures of naked women. However, when I became 12 or 13 and puberty hit full swing, my ABDL desires gradually came back in the fold.

Also at this same time, the internet began to be used in ordinary households like mine, and I went through a universal ABDL rite of passage – discovering the ABDL online community. I discovered this at my grandparents’ house, where they had a Web TV in the room I slept in. This was my first experience with having the internet and privacy at the same time. I remember experimenting with a few porn sites and being grossed out.

Eventually, I remember doing a google search for “diaper,” which eventually led me to DPF.com, which was my first introduction to the ABDL community. Prior to discovering this website, I literally had no idea there were other ABDLs besides me in the world, or that there was even a name for my diaper desires. Learning that there was a community of other ABDLs gave me some comfort in knowing that I was not alone, but at this age I was still far off from self-acceptance, and I mainly lurked on DPF.com as a release valve whenever I got the chance. I began to ask to stay at grandma’s house more often, where I would stay up all through the night exploring the new world of ABDLs. DPF.com was the only website for ABDLs I found at this time, and I explored every link and page of the site (the main regression story on DPF remains one of the best-written ABDL stories I have every read).

Grandma also kept some old baby diapers in her bathroom, and I eventually went through all of these, either ripping them apart trying to stretch them out, or cutting and taping them together to make a custom diaper that would fit me. This was the first time I remember wishing to be smaller in size, not bigger. Of course, the evidence of my activities was eventually discovered by my grandparents, who purged their house of diapers. They never said anything to me directly about this, and I don’t think my parents ever found out, but soon thereafter I remember my grandfather having a few glasses of wine and weepily telling me “Grandma and I love you, and everything about you,” so I know they knew that I was the one who tried to wear the leftover diapers, at least.

My Fantasy Developed:

When I could not surf the web at grandma’s house, I developed a new fantasy for whenever I was alone – being diapered again. However, ever since the dreadful “family conversation” with my parents when I was 7, I was morbidly opposed to any thought of either parent being involved with diapers. As a result, I needed someone other than my parents to play the “mommy” role for my fantasies. So I began to imagine that my parents were suddenly killed in car crash (I loved my parents and didn’t want them to die, so sometimes I rationalized that they just went on a really long trip.) For whatever reason, in my fantasy I had to live with someone besides my parents. My favorite “new” mom was my friend Mike’s mother, who I had seen wield diapers with her own grown children without hesitation on countless occasions.

My fantasy begins with me being taken into Mike’s home in the aftermath of losing my parents, and Mike’s mom was very comforting and sympathetic. However, after a few nights, I began to wetting the bed, a little at first and then more as time went on. This was unusual for a 12 year old boy, and I had never had any problems with bedwetting before, so this was initially chalked up to part of my grieving process. But eventually, Mike’s mom’s matter-of-fact attitude to bedwetting prevailed, and she would not continue to change the sheets every night. In my fantasy Mike’s mom was very loving and sympathetic to my dilemma, but gently urged me to prepare for the possibility of wearing diapers to bed.

Eventually I wet the bed one too many times, and a new rule was declared that I would have to wear pull-ups to bed just like the younger kids in the family. Of course I would pretend to resist at first, and I’m sure in that situation I would experience very real humiliation to some degree, but ultimately this is what I wanted. Things would develop from there. The pull-ups would always leak, so eventually we went to XL disposable baby diapers. These too were leaking because I didn’t know how to put them on myself, so eventually Mike’s mom had no choice but to diaper me herself. Nighttime wetting became an every-night occurrence, and then eventually daytime wettings began happening as well. At every new step on the way Mike’s mom would regress me into the new step, from pull-ups at night to eventually diapers 24/7. Eventually Mike’s mom would realize that I was enjoying the diaper wearing, and would begin to add some shame and humiliation to her otherwise soothing maternal demeanor.

Young Adulthood – ABDL and relationships:

As I left puberty and began to mature into an adult, my ABDL interests waned somewhat, but never fully went away. By the time I was in high school, meaningful opportunities to even touch a diaper became extremely limited. Plus, at this time I had grown to 6 feet tall 180 pounds, and baby diapers no longer came close to fitting me (I had not yet discovered “adult diapers,” which at that time were not as good anyway because they didn’t look like baby diapers.) From when I was 15 to when I was 25, my ABDL fantasies survived mainly in the privacy of my mind, and my deep-seated sense of shame kept me from indulging out of fear of being exposed as a diaper wearer to my classmates and peers. During this period, I did have a few serious girlfriends, and I had to reconcile my secret ABDL desires with my heterosexual libido.

The first person I ever told about my ABDL side was my high school girlfriend. She was extremely insecure and had her own struggles with anorexia and depression, so I guess I figured she would be understanding, but looking back I think it was that I was tired of the loneliness and shame I felt from my desires. My girlfriend was skeptical at first, but ultimately very accepting. In our first conversation about this she even offered to diaper me! However, I never took her up on her offer for a few reasons. First, I was afraid she would tell everyone in my high school, which would have been devastating beyond repair for me. Plus, I have never been in any kind of roleplay situation, and being vulnerable or submissive would be frightening for at first. Most practically, she and I never had the opportunity. We had no privacy at all in our parents’ homes; we used to find remote parking lots where we could have sex in the back of her suburban – hardly an ideal setting for my first adult diapering experience. I regretted telling my high school girlfriend almost as soon as I told her, and eventually I asked her to just forget what I had told her about ABDL and not discuss it anymore

The second person I told my girlfriend in college. I told her after about 2.5 years of dating her. Our sex life together was very active. She was always up for some experimenting in the bedroom, and she had a couple of her own fantasies that were hardly mainstream (she admitted she fantasized about being gangbanged after I found a porn video in her web browner.) Because of this, I hoped she would be accepting and for the first time I would be able to share my fantasies with someone else.

Unfortunately, she was NOT cool at first. She was disgusted by the thought of me wearing (and using) a diaper, and she told me “I want a man, not a baby.” She eventually mellowed on the whole idea a little once I gave her some literature from online and she came to understand it was not pedophilia. But she was never truly accepting and said she had no interest in engaging in my desires. For months after I first told her she said she was insecure in bed because she always wondered if I was thinking about diapers. Telling her was a mistake.

After College – First Taste of Freedom

My first opportunities to “fully” indulge in my ABDL desires came after I graduated college. This is primarily because this was the first time I was afforded the privacy to get away with a diaper hobby. I lived at home with my parents through childhood, and in a fraternity house all through college, and I would never risk exposure to my peers by doing something stupid like bringing diapers into the house.

So the first time I ever got real privacy was my first year out of college when I was 22. In my first job I traveled a region of the US that was far away from my home and anyone I knew. By this time in my life, I was well-accustomed to suffering from depression for extended periods of time, but in my early 20s my condition was deteriorating, which I would come to learn is common for my kind of disorder. As I grew more depressed and isolated, my need for comfort and release grew to a boil. As soon as I got settled into an apartment all to myself, it was a short matter of weeks before I broke down one day and drove to the pharmacy. I came home with CVS store brand diapers (I still wanted baby diapers but CVS brand was all I could find that fit would me.)

For about 6 months I went through a binge/purge cycle where my need for emotional security would prevail, I would go to the pharmacy and buy a pack of diapers, use one or two of them, then throw the rest of the package away in disgust, before eventually breaking down and going to get more diapers. My diaper selection at this time was very poor, and I had not rediscovered the ABDL community on the internet, so this brief foray into ABDL activities was not very fulfilling for me.

I finally began to fully explore my ABDL side when I was around 25. At this time in my life, I had just purchased a new home for me to live in with my fiancée. My depression then began seriously affecting my career, and after seeking professional advice I was diagnosed with Bipolar II (characterized by multiple prolonged depressive episodes, but not manic or “high” episodes). My fiancée broke off our engagement because of my diagnosis (needless to say I’m glad I never told her about my ABDL side). Consequently, I had our new house completely to myself at that time.

At this time I fortunately rediscovered the ABDL online community, and boy had it come a long way in 15 years since my Web TV all-nighters at grandma’s house. Now there were forums and chatrooms where ABDLs could actually collaborate, rather than just one-sided websites like DPF. I lurked for a long time on adisc.org and dailydiapers.com before eventually becoming a contributor to adisc.org. I also found some limited scholarly articles and other content that gave me some insight into my ABDL side and what drives it.

Not only did I rediscover the ABDL community at this time, but I also learned about special diapers that were made for adult babies and could be delivered discreetly by mail. This discovery was revolutionary. Now that I had the privacy and the money to branch out beyond stolen diapers at grandma’s house, I began to explore the “AB” side of my ABDL desires. This was the first time I began exploring my “AB” side, as opposed to my “DL” side. I don’t believe these are binary choices where a person is either an AB or a DL, and I believe that every ABDL falls somewhere on a spectrum between AB and DL. For me, my desires have always been explicitly focused on diapers, and I never really fantasized about actually being a baby. However, being diapered by a caretaker has always been a core fantasy of mine, and I consider that more “AB” than “DL.” Also, my diaper desires are not primarily or even secondarily sexual, and a diaper itself does not excite me as a fetish object.

I eased into shopping for new diapers online, painstakingly researching each brand and product on ABDL sites and consumer review sites before making my first purchase. I started out getting a couple of sample packs of premium adult briefs, and eventually I branched out into ABDL themed disposables, but at that time there weren’t any AB-themed diapers that could match the regular premium adult diapers in either capacity or performance. Performance is my #1 criteria for diapers – as it is impossible for me to “just let go” when I am afraid of leaking everywhere – so as much as I liked the babyish design on diapers like Bambino Bellissimo and ABU Cushies, I eventually developed a preference for Abena M4 (honorable mention to Confidry 247). I also dabbled with some accessories and clothing but never fell in love with anything, and besides, I was on a mission to find the perfect diaper and I was not to be distracted by oversized pacifiers.

This went on for about a year as my bipolar depression episodes grew more frequent and more severe. I was not able to work during this time, and I eventually exhausted all my savings. I decided to get a roommate to help slit my housing costs. As I’ve said other times in this post, a diaper habit is almost impossible to hide from people that live in the same house as you. So I once again found myself purging, this time tossing what had become a fairly sizeable stash by that point.

Nonetheless, the urge eventually always comes roaring back, and after about a 9-month dry spell, I broke down and ordered diapers again. I had the master bedroom, master bathroom, and a large walk-in closet to myself, so I did have some limited privacy in the house. Still, I was cautious about getting caught, so I set up a PO Box to receive shipments, and kept my stash in a suitcase with a padlock and kept the suitcase locked in a large gun safe in my room. I wore only at night when my roommate was asleep, though I think he was at least aware that I was staying up all night doing something.

I went along for some time thinking I was clever and he didn’t know anything. One day, however, I went looking through his drawers for a T-shirt of mine and found two pairs of my depends pull-ups. I used to double these up over disposable diapers to act as a diaper cover, and evidently I had gotten careless and left two pair out at some point. My initial instinct at being discovered was to be mortified. However, it eventually occurred to me that upon discovering my depends, my roommate had kept them for himself and said nothing to me, which I took to mean he was at least curious, if not a secret ABDL himself. We have never spoken of this to this day.

Eventually the rest of my money ran out, even with a roommate helping with the rent, and I had to sell my house. I moved into a run-down house in a rough part of town with 2 other roommates and paper-thin doors. This time diapers were out of the question, as I had NO privacy in this setting, and much less privacy than in my old house where I had still managed to get caught. My living situation grew gradually less ideal as money became more and more scarce, and eventually I did not even have a bedroom to myself. I had a drought of 2.5 years during this time were I could only imagine the softness of a warm diaper touching my skin. As time went on, the urge to be diapered grew more lasting and intense, especially with no outlet for me to exercise my desires.

Present Day:

This year everything started coming together for me for the first time since I was first diagnosed Bipolar. I finally found the right combination of medicines, and my depression became much less debilitating. Once my depression was under control, I was able to go back to work. I bought a house for myself, and I live alone again, which I prefer notwithstanding my diaper activities. It took several agonizing weeks for remodeling to be done before I could move in, and I after a nearly 3 year dry spell with no diapers, I was about to burst! The first day I moved in, I ordered a pack of ABU Little Pawz, which is now my go-to diaper for both performance and babyish design. I have built up a new stash again, and I have resumed contributing on ADISC again. I am now looking into finding an adult babysitter service to fulfill my ultimate desire of being diapered by a nanny.

That’s my story, in a nutshell. If anyone who read this story feels like we have something in common with each other, or just wants to add their own experiences, please comment!
 

RobbyRocketPants

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  1. Diaper Lover
Awesome story! Reminds me of my own childhood. We even had some similar experiences - like when I was caught one morning at age 5 wearing plastic pants (I'm a bit older than you, there were no pull-ups in the 70s!). I, too, used DPF in the early days, and had to hide diapers from roommates.
 
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