Mental Health, isolation, depression, I don't know what to do.

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I hate alcohol. I hate social events, they make me anxious. And you got it. The part you say. Someone takes charge like if am a little kid. And yes. Wish it was that easy. I'm an idiot after all. I don't know how to deal with any of this. Plus the constant in fighting inside me is getting worse.
I'm afraid this depression might never cease. It only calm down. But I'm still very much depress. It hasn't stop. Is terrifyng. I don't want to dealt with anything anymore. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Amnesia would be much appreciated right now too.

The saddest thing about it all is how much I wish to not feel alone anymore, yet is like I can't really care for other people at all. Like I actually don't care about anyone other than me. Maybe a side effect of been alone for so long or simply I've never care for anyone truthfully. Like I care about my mom, but knowing she's fine I don't really feel I need to even talk to her in a way. Kind of like. If they're fine they don't need me. No one does. Why should I care for anyone?

Whatever. I went to a therapist yesterday. She seemed good at it. She actually made interesting questions to know me. I'll keep going and see how things go or whatever. I know is stupid to think all my problems could be solved by just that. I'm too broken after all.

Also. Yesterday I had an outburst. I'm in a abdl gay guys site and I was chatting with a guy. Something he said kill my hopes. He said that in years of being into the abdl community he hadn't met someone. He did mention friends and stuff, but I guess you know what I mean. That kill me. He was older and the idea that I'll have a whole life of waiting, hoping to ever find someone with no sucess is too much for me. I rage quit. Told him I was done with all this. I erase everything I could in that site. Told the other person I've chat with the other day that I was done with anything abdl related.
Once I calm down I regret it. But the guy didn't answer again and I don't blame him. He even talk about that is rare to fing good guys in the community. And realizing I was one of those awful people made me feel even "better".
Anyway, here I am. Still hoping like an idiot. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this. I'm 23 right now. I don't think I can live up with this another 10 years. Another year already sounds like torture.
Life is not meant to be easy. I know that. I do and I also know that if humans hadn't cheat life I would have died long ago from a diseases. Of hunger. Killed by a predator. Kill by another human. I hate how easy it is to stay alive now. I can't live feeling like this until I'm 30. That's literal hell.

But then feeling like this is forbidden by society. If I say this then I end up getting lock up. Is the same as actually murder someone. You get lock up. Plus they drugged you. I can't express myself how much I wish to die because the my hell will only get worse. I'll get lock up. Given hollow promises of recovering and the fucking cycle will repeat but worse. Hospitalization does more damage than it does good in these cases. So I'm just stuck to keep it to myself. Never showing any sign of shit. Just hiding it until one day I finally snap and finally do it. Until then I have to suffer this hell alone and staying quiet. Without saying a word. Without expressing shit. Is either that or suffering the consequences to an even worse degree.
Last thing I need is to suffer from the shit of medications that just work for a moment and then your body tries to regulate itself making the drugs innefective and going back to the same. For the idiots to give more strong shit until at one point or another your brain fries up and you can't even talk like a normal person ever again, totally killing any chance of actually recovering.
Mental patients are treated as cattle. Once your in, if you don't get out in time they make sure you never get out.
 
Talking with someone I realized how much more hurtful the whole abdl thing is for me. These are the reasons.
It makes me feel ashamed of myself. It makes me feel I don't belong anywhere. Not with the "normal" people nor within the abdl community.
It gives me a secret I have to hide from everyone because if it ever comes out they'll look at me as a pervert disguisting person. Even a pedophile.
It reminds me that I'm no actually a kid. That in the end is just something I can only enjoy for a short time and the go back to the awful world by myself.
That I don't have anyone. That I'm alone
In the end is even more hurtful than it is worth it. Yet I keep going back to it.

Is not even the whole source of my problems, but it reminds me a lot of what I wish I had and what I don't have. What I cannot have.
So why do I keep going back to it? Why do I keep making it so much harder? Why can't I just give it up? Why can't it be easy?
 
Reading your post it sounds like you check all the boxes for extreme depression. I see my psychologist tomorrow and I'll have to check the appropriate boxes that apply to my week when the woman at the window hands me the clipboard.

It seems like you have several needs in your life that aren't being met. You want to have someone in your life, someone who gets you, someone who you can share who you are. You also are looking for someone in the AB/DL community. Finding both in one person, the LGBTQ community and the AB/DL community very much narrows the pool of people fitting into both worlds.

I gave up on that from the start. I had a close boyfriend through most of my college years and though we had an active relationship, I never shared my AB/DL side of myself with him. To be honest, I was ashamed of it. These were my college years so I was 18 -22 years of age.

After I graduated, I married the girl who would be the mother of my children and I never told her of my AB/DL desires until the last 10 years of her life. She was very accepting and supportive.

So what I'm saying is that you should work on one part of this at a time. Find that person you could fall in love with. It's quite possible they will accept the other side of you. Those of us who find ourselves in the LGBTQ community are far more accepting of other people's kinks because we already are a fringe part of society.

The difficult part for you will be getting yourself out there so that you can meet others. If you live in a big city, there will be gay bars, gay support groups, gay groups who meet in liberal churches, etc. If you live in a small community it will be more difficult.

At my age I'm learning to accept that I will probably live the rest of my life alone. I do have adult children and grandchildren, so it's not like I'm completely alone, but I spend most days all by myself in my house with just the dog. The loneliness is difficult to live with. But you are young so you should be meeting others. I've learned to force myself to do things that I hate doing. Depression causes aversion and we have to somehow learn to get past it otherwise we sit home alone day after day.
 
Have any of you actually considerate I'm a masochist and this pain and loneliness are somehow what I want. Be it either because of shame or something totally mess up in my head.
Also hope is the worst thing that anyone can tell me. It just makes me more mad, sad, depress.
I mean, I keep coming back and keep writing. Is either that I'm a masochist or I'm insane. So far I've gotten anything from here. Yet seeing people just throw bunch of stuff at it. Sshh.

Have any of you considerate that the best thing you could do is not say anything?
A post in which I'm the only one saying anything. Eventually I'll get bored and that's it. I'll keep all this stuff to myself, which really doesn't change anything. No matter if I share it or not it changes nothing.

You all keep pushing it though. Selfishly thinking about yourselves. Answering what you want to hear. Because if you were in this situation you would want someone to tell you something.

I partially want someone to tell me something, but no one has come out with the right words. Yet you all selfishly keep saying what you want to hear.
Instead of just respecting something none of you can understand.

I'm fucked up. I'm broken. I'm worst than just toxic. None of you can deal with that. None of you can do anything about it. If this were a virus then you would have doom humanity already. Instead of just letting your curiosity take over and get head deep into something that you can't comprend you all should just leave it to those who can actually make a difference. Those who can dealt with this stuff. Those who know what the hell their suppose to do. Those who can actually do something.
I'll keep pushing it. But I know humans are selfish, curious and stupid.
Letting this post die is the best thing any of you can do.
Just like this world should do with my awful being. Just let it rot. No one caring. No one trying useless trash that just makes things worst. Everything anyone tries makes things worst. I fucking hate you all.
 
972T said:
Whatever. I went to a therapist yesterday. She seemed good at it. She actually made interesting questions to know me. I'll keep going and see how things go or whatever. I know is stupid to think all my problems could be solved by just that. I'm too broken after all.
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I'm glad it went well. Sapphyre said the other day that it can be hard finding the right therapist, so it's good you two already have a rapport. It's true I'm no psychologist, but I know enough to state that you're not too broken. Are your appointments once a week? I'm surprised she was able to see you so quickly. Two years ago I was concerned that my mom might have bladder cancer, and it took her 3 months to see a urologist. Thankfully her problem was completely different.

972T said:
I'm afraid this depression might never cease. It only calm down. But I'm still very much depress. It hasn't stop. Is terrifyng. I don't want to dealt with anything anymore. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Amnesia would be much appreciated right now too.
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This is the sort of thing you say that scares me. Have you said any of this to the therapist? Does she understand how bad it gets for you? If it's too hard to verbalize, maybe print a couple of your posts from this thread and hand them to her. I'm sure it takes time to trust a stranger, but please make sure she knows all of this.

972T said:
The saddest thing about it all is how much I wish to not feel alone anymore, yet is like I can't really care for other people at all. Like I actually don't care about anyone other than me. Maybe a side effect of been alone for so long or simply I've never care for anyone truthfully.
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You may be spot on. I fear that the coworker I mentioned in my last post had something really bad happen to him and at some point he just shut down. He stopped trying to make friends and then forgot how. 98% of the time he seemed perfectly normal and well-adjusted, but the other 2% of the time he got very awkward and jumpy and vulnerable. As long as you're talking to somebody, whether it be here or on some other message/chat board, I think that's good enough for now. Oh, and while I don't log in there often, I just messaged you on diaper-bois. :)

972T said:
Talking with someone I realized how much more hurtful the whole abdl thing is for me. These are the reasons.
It makes me feel ashamed of myself. It makes me feel I don't belong anywhere. Not with the "normal" people nor within the abdl community.
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Why do you say that? I think you fit in here as well as anybody. So it feels good to regress, but then you feel ashamed because it's weird? I guess you know that I went 24/7 a year ago? I always wear some kind of protection except when I'm bathing or shaving...at which time if there's an emergency I'll pee in the sink, hehe. When I was around 30, I "weighed the pluses and minuses" of this and my logical mind said that it was too expensive and crazy. As I got older I just didn't care anymore what people might think. It makes me happy, and that's enough. I could quit tomorrow, but don't want to. What would happen if you did give it up and discarded all your diapers and ABDL stuff? Buy it all again a week later? If so, don't give it up. If it makes you happy, if it helps you relax, if it puts you in a good frame of mind and doesn't harm anybody, then just do it. You're no weirder than me or anybody else here.

972T said:
Letting this post die is the best thing any of you can do.
Just like this world should do with my awful being. Just let it rot. No one caring. No one trying useless trash that just makes things worst. Everything anyone tries makes things worst. I fucking hate you all.
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Nope, I'm not buying it. You said before that you sometimes try to alienate people

972T said:
Is part of my avoidance. I end up running away somehow. And my mind makes me want to run away. Is not that I have no option. My mind makes it that I choose to do it and regret it later.
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so we're already wise to you. 😝 You keep posting and we'll keep reading. And check out my profile on diaper-bois.
 
Yesterday after reading about hope I realized that's been a problem for me for a long time. By beliving too much in it I just do nothing about anything waiting for hope to just hand stuff to me. So I decided to learn to abandon all hope entirely. I know not all hope will be vanish but as long as only good hope remains then I'll have succed.
Hope is like waiting for a rock to move by just beliving it will move for no reason. It can happen but not because you're wanting for it to happen.
So I'll give up on hope. Which I mistook as the only thing keeping alive. Now realized is the poison that's slowly killing.

That alone is not going to solve anything, but I rather live without hope than to torment myself with it until the end. I hated it but though that by beliving in it I would gain happiness or something. Thinking now that if I want it I might as well try to get it somehow. Worst case scenario I'll find new things while being unsuccesfull about my original search. I don't know.

I'm not going to lie to you and make you all believe that from here on things are going to be better. I know they'll just be bad and good like they always have. My depression is going to gain strenght at one point and I'll start bitching about life yet again. I'll stop trying and give up on everything.
But at least right now I'm trying to enjoy the present in which I'm more stable.
No lying. I'm still depress. I think I'm just getting use to it. But whatever. Is just part of me. I'm just a videogame with a crappy game design and insane levels of dificulty.

I'm also trying to get myself into abdl sites to met people. So far I've talk with a few guys. It has been interesting. I suffered an outburst as I think I mentioned. But is fun to talk to some of them. I'm trying to give up on hope anyway so I'm just trying to have fun conversations with them.
I want to get more into the abdl community. Honestly the site I mentioned before is easier because the one on one interaction of it.
But a site like this is intimidating. Many people reading the same thing. I'm more scared, specially after one post in which I was told I'm not even a real adult baby or something of the like. This site is the equivalent to a group of people in the same room.

Anyway. Is not unlikely I'll come back to this post to bitch about life again. For now there's not much else to tell. When not depress I have little to none to say.
 
972T said:
Yesterday after reading about hope I realized that's been a problem for me for a long time. By beliving too much in it I just do nothing about anything waiting for hope to just hand stuff to me. So I decided to learn to abandon all hope entirely. I know not all hope will be vanish but as long as only good hope remains then I'll have succed.
Hope is like waiting for a rock to move by just beliving it will move for no reason. It can happen but not because you're wanting for it to happen.
So I'll give up on hope. Which I mistook as the only thing keeping alive. Now realized is the poison that's slowly killing.

That alone is not going to solve anything, but I rather live without hope than to torment myself with it until the end. I hated it but though that by beliving in it I would gain happiness or something. Thinking now that if I want it I might as well try to get it somehow. Worst case scenario I'll find new things while being unsuccesfull about my original search. I don't know.

I'm not going to lie to you and make you all believe that from here on things are going to be better. I know they'll just be bad and good like they always have. My depression is going to gain strenght at one point and I'll start bitching about life yet again. I'll stop trying and give up on everything.
But at least right now I'm trying to enjoy the present in which I'm more stable.
No lying. I'm still depress. I think I'm just getting use to it. But whatever. Is just part of me. I'm just a videogame with a crappy game design and insane levels of dificulty.

I'm also trying to get myself into abdl sites to met people. So far I've talk with a few guys. It has been interesting. I suffered an outburst as I think I mentioned. But is fun to talk to some of them. I'm trying to give up on hope anyway so I'm just trying to have fun conversations with them.
I want to get more into the abdl community. Honestly the site I mentioned before is easier because the one on one interaction of it.
But a site like this is intimidating. Many people reading the same thing. I'm more scared, specially after one post in which I was told I'm not even a real adult baby or something of the like. This site is the equivalent to a group of people in the same room.

Anyway. Is not unlikely I'll come back to this post to bitch about life again. For now there's not much else to tell. When not depress I have little to none to say.
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$0.02 if it interests you:

Irrational hope and irrational despair are both poisons, arguably just two different flavors of the same poison: misleading thoughts about the future. They both bite you, but in different ways. It surprises me the number of therapists who don't recognize the hazards of excess hopefulness, in fact…

But having said that, I echo the recommendation of others here to see a professional therapist and / or psychiatrist. Some of your posts, written while depression was in full swing apparently, demonstrate significant distortions in thought, e.g., (paraphrased) "I hate all you people for selfishly trying to help me". It's hard to keep a balanced outlook on things even if only periodically going through phases in which sentiments such as the above seem logical.

Your intuition that achieving lasting happiness will involve effort on your part is quite right. Maximizing emotional stability and balance is a key prerequisite, and professional guidance on that may be a good place to start.

Good luck.
 
I think I now know the cause of why I'm so broken. Is the one reason I always ignore until I forget about it. My mom. She is the problem.
Since I was a kid she always gives this impression of being a positive good person. In truth she is a pesimist without being aware of it. Since I can remember she has always seen herself as if she were doom since day one. Yet to me it seems she is either not aware of it entirely or denies it to the point in which not even she remembers it.
She's been depresss for a few days now. Because she didn't went to college, she doesn't speak English and feels no one gives a fuck about her at her job because of it.
She practically took it against me. Instead of just leaving to her room like I would have done if I was depress, she instead calls to me like if she was going to say hi, but instead opens up about it and is like she waits for me to give her an answer. How I'm I suppose to know about any of that?
I have my own existencial crisis to be the right person to tell her anything at all!
Yet whatever I try to say, which I practically say nothing, she just keeps pushing it. That she is doom and done for. That she is useless.
Totally depression. Yet is like she takes it against me. Which even makes sense. I'm one of her main causes of trouble. So in a way I know she subconciously sees me as one of the causes of her horrible existence.
You see. The problem is that it has been me, her and my younger sister for several years. (my younger sister moved like a year ago though)
Over that course of time. While I was growing up she has had those times when life sucks for her and I don't know if on purpose or not she has taken it against me.
From the way she talks at times it seems I remind her to my father. Which everyone in my family (me included) hated. In a way is like I'm the living reminder of her mistakes. She says she loves me and that might be truth, but she also hates me. Just like I hate her for making me who I am.
When I was a kid and I didn't want to go to school because I couldn't stand it (do to my social anxiety which no one even knows what it is back in Colombia) instead of giving support somehow. Give me an alternative. Just make me go anyway because at least I would be doing something.
Instead she just let me stayed home during my whole teenager years.
My whole family always talked about me like I was just going to be this useless idiot who would live with his mom forever, because he can't do anything. He is useless. That's not what they say but it doesn't take much to understand the obvious.
Whenever I was depress she always gave me this vibe of "what are you going to do about it?"
Her way of dealing with my depressions. Leaving me alone. Like if it never happened.
What makes it so hard to understand or even see is the fact she has a personality that hides all that to the point I don't even know if she is even aware of it. So no one that knows her sees any of that. I do. I couldn't for years, but now I do.
If I haven't move at all in all these years is because she has kept me from doing so.
The few things I've been able to do, like getting my first job, learning how to drive. It wasn't because she encouraged me. It just happened do to circumstances.
I got into a transitional program because my older sister ask about some special education when she enrolled me at the High School here.
If it was up to my mom things wouldn't have gotten that far.
It was at that place I learned to move for myself a little bit. That's how I got a job. Because I learned I'm not the useless piece of shit that others thought I was, but never actually said it to my face.
Many times while growing up I thought that if I just ran away from her maybe I would become someone else. Someone better or worse, just not stay the same.
I can't. I would say is too late for me. And it is too late for me to do it by myself. But I'm realizing that she is a toxic person for me.
Honestly I don't love her as much as I hate her for everything.
People don't change. They just get better or worse. She isn't going to change. I thought many times she might but nothing changed.
In a way my desperate desire of finding a daddy is a way of abandoning that toxic mother role and find the dad I never had to give all the things I couldn't have while growing up.
 
When we're little kids, our parents are everything: Superman and Superwoman. Dad supports the family and Mom supports the household. Dad can build or fix anything and Mom cooks the meals and sends you to school in clean clothes. Both are there to listen and give advice when you have a problem. At least on TV. As we grow up, we realize that our parents are fallible like everybody else. Maybe Dad was too hard on you sometimes, or maybe they gave you bad advice. You can't choose your parents, so short of disowning them, you learn to live with their shortcomings and love them as people. Over time, maybe even as friends. After all, they know you better than most anybody else, and you know them better than most anyone else. Remember the story of my 23-24 year old coworker? I tried a few times to interact with him socially, but he was never interested. I think it's because he still thought of me as an adult instead of a peer. If I'd thought he was receptive, I would have told him that people don't change that much. We get wiser and more experienced and less impulsive, and may lose touch with popular culture, but at our core we don't change. (Personally, I think what can change people is having kids, but that's another topic.)

I know you already have lots of things on your mind, and like my coworker may not be ready for this, but imagine your mom as just another person like yourself. She started a family (two, I guess?) and did the best she could. Try to forgive her. I am the oldest kid in my family (with just one younger sister) and came up with a hypothesis called "oldest kid syndrome". Especially when you're the oldest, your parents are new at parenting, you don't necessarily have other little kids around to socialize you, and sometimes you turn out a bit socially awkward. I realize your situation is different, but maybe the result is similar? Your mom is also trying to restart her life in a strange, new county and is having some of the same difficulties as you. Maybe you can help each other? After you were hospitalized, you said one of the outcomes is that your Mom would tell you how she's feeling and try harder to talk to you:

972T said:
The only good thing that came out of all this was that I finally told my mom how I felt and she expressed herself to.
The compromise is that she has to share how she feels about all this, because she use to hide it and avoid it to me but not to others. So to me it felt like she didn't care. It was just that she didn't know how to talk to me. And we're still figuring that out.
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Even if it's a bit more stress, I think it's a good thing that you're communicating more. And good for your mom.

972T said:
She's been depresss for a few days now. Because she didn't went to college, she doesn't speak English and feels no one gives a fuck about her at her job because of it.
She practically took it against me. Instead of just leaving to her room like I would have done if I was depress, she instead calls to me like if she was going to say hi, but instead opens up about it and is like she waits for me to give her an answer. How I'm I suppose to know about any of that?
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There are so many immigrants today in the very same situation, that English-as-a-second-language classes are everywhere. Sometimes even free. Churches might be a good place to start. If you don't feel comfortable researching this, talk to your older sister again. Finding your mom evening English classes would improve her status at work, give her more confidence and improve her mood, and likely improve her social circle as she'd be studying alongside people just like her. It's never too late. Tell her that.

972T said:
Yet whatever I try to say, which I practically say nothing, she just keeps pushing it. That she is doom and done for. That she is useless.
Totally depression. Yet is like she takes it against me. Which even makes sense. I'm one of her main causes of trouble. So in a way I know she subconciously sees me as one of the causes of her horrible existence.
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I'm going to give you an alternate take on this. Per your own words, your mom has many of the same issues as you. But you have it better than her, since you are fluent in English. She may even be envious. As much as you have your own problems, as stressful as life can be sometimes, she is depending on you as you once depended on her. I would take her constant attention as a compliment, that she thinks you can help her. While I expect it will be harder to find a bilingual therapist, your mom might even benefit from some therapy sessions herself. It's something to think about. Maybe discuss it with your sister.

Catching-up with your post last Friday, I'd define hope as returning to this thread and continuing to post. :)

And assuming you read this in time, KEEP YOUR THERAPIST APPOINTMENT ON WEDNESDAY! And let us know, at least in general terms, how it went.
 
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I did went today to the therapist. It was okay. I got a little of frustration out. It wasn't a mindblowing thing but I feel it can help overtime. At least I understand is not something that's just going to work right away. Also I have every Wendsday with the therapist from now on.
 
i Ame a little i ame me . you are you . LOVE YOUR SELF for HOW HOW YOU ARE . PS good luck (y) (y)
 
i red more i ame bypoler like i said YOU ARE YOU make a happy box dos not has to be a box but mp3 songs a stoffey a itom that makes you happy poms rimes things that makes you happy BYPORE can be hard so like me find was to make you more happy i hurt my mom sister and dad wen i tried choking my self so you not Alon ask about happy box and crisis hotline . giving voise to problems help finding happy things help telling people helps i ame scard this is the first time i have told about my staleness but somwon did this for me so i ame me you are you use what you have :)(y) ps i was 13 when i tried to keel my self so after mom cut the rope i ended up with a red and blush face and a threat of grounding lol but rial .
 
that was really cute...
 
what do you mean ?
 
what you said. How you say it.
 
Thank you for sharing ;')
 
I would also like to share that i have been suffering from caregiver's depression too and there are couple of things that have helped me, and this is by no means an advice. Just personal sharing. I began seeing a counsellor regularly as i had feelings of guilt and remorse as i took on the role of a caregiver. I needed an expert to talk to. My counsellor is a beautiful human and has really helped me understand my seemingly muddled thoughts better now. I also began reading a lot, i mean a lot of psychology. A good book to begin with is Discovering Psychology, it is very easy to read and assimilate along with being deeply comprehensive and useful. ESpecially the sections on mental health.
 
what is caregiver's depression? Never heard of that.
 
I felt isolated and depressed about my incontinence. As in my previous posts I didn't know what to do which only further isolated me from living my life. I decided to seek a therapist who could help me. I was able to explore this issue. I was afraid to tell the therapist about my need to wear "protection" I didn't want to even say the word diaper. She was able to relate to the issue of incontinence, as she has had others dealing with this issue. I told her about walking around in a store with a wet diaper and seeing little children that were probably dealing with the same issue. This only caused me to become more depressed.
I would suggest that you seek the help of a therapist. They will not judge you, and can help you explore your needs, and put them in perspective so you can come away with a better understanding and coping measures to help you.
 
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