I hate alcohol. I hate social events, they make me anxious. And you got it. The part you say. Someone takes charge like if am a little kid. And yes. Wish it was that easy. I'm an idiot after all. I don't know how to deal with any of this. Plus the constant in fighting inside me is getting worse.
I'm afraid this depression might never cease. It only calm down. But I'm still very much depress. It hasn't stop. Is terrifyng. I don't want to dealt with anything anymore. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Amnesia would be much appreciated right now too.
The saddest thing about it all is how much I wish to not feel alone anymore, yet is like I can't really care for other people at all. Like I actually don't care about anyone other than me. Maybe a side effect of been alone for so long or simply I've never care for anyone truthfully. Like I care about my mom, but knowing she's fine I don't really feel I need to even talk to her in a way. Kind of like. If they're fine they don't need me. No one does. Why should I care for anyone?
Whatever. I went to a therapist yesterday. She seemed good at it. She actually made interesting questions to know me. I'll keep going and see how things go or whatever. I know is stupid to think all my problems could be solved by just that. I'm too broken after all.
Also. Yesterday I had an outburst. I'm in a abdl gay guys site and I was chatting with a guy. Something he said kill my hopes. He said that in years of being into the abdl community he hadn't met someone. He did mention friends and stuff, but I guess you know what I mean. That kill me. He was older and the idea that I'll have a whole life of waiting, hoping to ever find someone with no sucess is too much for me. I rage quit. Told him I was done with all this. I erase everything I could in that site. Told the other person I've chat with the other day that I was done with anything abdl related.
Once I calm down I regret it. But the guy didn't answer again and I don't blame him. He even talk about that is rare to fing good guys in the community. And realizing I was one of those awful people made me feel even "better".
Anyway, here I am. Still hoping like an idiot. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this. I'm 23 right now. I don't think I can live up with this another 10 years. Another year already sounds like torture.
Life is not meant to be easy. I know that. I do and I also know that if humans hadn't cheat life I would have died long ago from a diseases. Of hunger. Killed by a predator. Kill by another human. I hate how easy it is to stay alive now. I can't live feeling like this until I'm 30. That's literal hell.
But then feeling like this is forbidden by society. If I say this then I end up getting lock up. Is the same as actually murder someone. You get lock up. Plus they drugged you. I can't express myself how much I wish to die because the my hell will only get worse. I'll get lock up. Given hollow promises of recovering and the fucking cycle will repeat but worse. Hospitalization does more damage than it does good in these cases. So I'm just stuck to keep it to myself. Never showing any sign of shit. Just hiding it until one day I finally snap and finally do it. Until then I have to suffer this hell alone and staying quiet. Without saying a word. Without expressing shit. Is either that or suffering the consequences to an even worse degree.
Last thing I need is to suffer from the shit of medications that just work for a moment and then your body tries to regulate itself making the drugs innefective and going back to the same. For the idiots to give more strong shit until at one point or another your brain fries up and you can't even talk like a normal person ever again, totally killing any chance of actually recovering.
Mental patients are treated as cattle. Once your in, if you don't get out in time they make sure you never get out.
I'm afraid this depression might never cease. It only calm down. But I'm still very much depress. It hasn't stop. Is terrifyng. I don't want to dealt with anything anymore. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Amnesia would be much appreciated right now too.
The saddest thing about it all is how much I wish to not feel alone anymore, yet is like I can't really care for other people at all. Like I actually don't care about anyone other than me. Maybe a side effect of been alone for so long or simply I've never care for anyone truthfully. Like I care about my mom, but knowing she's fine I don't really feel I need to even talk to her in a way. Kind of like. If they're fine they don't need me. No one does. Why should I care for anyone?
Whatever. I went to a therapist yesterday. She seemed good at it. She actually made interesting questions to know me. I'll keep going and see how things go or whatever. I know is stupid to think all my problems could be solved by just that. I'm too broken after all.
Also. Yesterday I had an outburst. I'm in a abdl gay guys site and I was chatting with a guy. Something he said kill my hopes. He said that in years of being into the abdl community he hadn't met someone. He did mention friends and stuff, but I guess you know what I mean. That kill me. He was older and the idea that I'll have a whole life of waiting, hoping to ever find someone with no sucess is too much for me. I rage quit. Told him I was done with all this. I erase everything I could in that site. Told the other person I've chat with the other day that I was done with anything abdl related.
Once I calm down I regret it. But the guy didn't answer again and I don't blame him. He even talk about that is rare to fing good guys in the community. And realizing I was one of those awful people made me feel even "better".
Anyway, here I am. Still hoping like an idiot. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this. I'm 23 right now. I don't think I can live up with this another 10 years. Another year already sounds like torture.
Life is not meant to be easy. I know that. I do and I also know that if humans hadn't cheat life I would have died long ago from a diseases. Of hunger. Killed by a predator. Kill by another human. I hate how easy it is to stay alive now. I can't live feeling like this until I'm 30. That's literal hell.
But then feeling like this is forbidden by society. If I say this then I end up getting lock up. Is the same as actually murder someone. You get lock up. Plus they drugged you. I can't express myself how much I wish to die because the my hell will only get worse. I'll get lock up. Given hollow promises of recovering and the fucking cycle will repeat but worse. Hospitalization does more damage than it does good in these cases. So I'm just stuck to keep it to myself. Never showing any sign of shit. Just hiding it until one day I finally snap and finally do it. Until then I have to suffer this hell alone and staying quiet. Without saying a word. Without expressing shit. Is either that or suffering the consequences to an even worse degree.
Last thing I need is to suffer from the shit of medications that just work for a moment and then your body tries to regulate itself making the drugs innefective and going back to the same. For the idiots to give more strong shit until at one point or another your brain fries up and you can't even talk like a normal person ever again, totally killing any chance of actually recovering.
Mental patients are treated as cattle. Once your in, if you don't get out in time they make sure you never get out.