Marriage/Diapers/ and a healthy sex life

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Elisem

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I bumped into this forum when I found the thread about practical aspects in marriage of diapers. I am the non wearer and I am not quite sure ...well..how to be. I am from Europe, so please forgive if I do not find the right English some times. My husband told me about them when we met. My response was "every human deserves to have comfort. If they give you that it is fine by me." I did ask for some things that would respect my comfort (and he agreed to them)...1- That my need for clean would be taken into account and he kept his intimate time with me clean (I mean clean smells etc...not clean as in pure or the such) 2- no lies 3- Bc we struggle to manage financially to please not be wasteful 4- Please keep it to his private times as he always had (meaning not to work or the such...the potential consequences are too scary). So he wears them every night and said he never before felt so loved or understood.... but from the start things unraveled: He left things for me to clean. He hid soiled diapers so I could never get rid of the smell. He ordered his boxes before checking if we had the money (He has severe ADHD and it has fallen on me to handle finances...Oh...it is not about asking permission but giving me heads up so I don't have bills bounce.... But here is my biggest problem...I came here for love...and our sex life has died. As long as he has the diapers he is satisfied. Happy to show what he says is his beautiful European wife to others, but home, I swear I feel I am starving to death. I come from a touching culture...all my people are an ocean away... but as long as he has his thing.... I am having a hard time thinking that in my 30s, my life as a sexual being is over. I am not the cheating sort. He feels sad for me, but his ADHD fuel his distraction and I have become invisible. So, I am starting to resent the diapers my heart was ready to understand because as long as he has that comfort I am as good as see-through. What can I say to him? How can I reach him? I have even let him diaper me hoping that that would ignite his spark (though it rubbed way close to my self-esteem particularly since he was satisfied, told me how loved he felt, and went back to forgetting about me in a blink....so I have to be honest...his response...after what to me felt like taking a big risk felt...or left me feeling some humiliation). Please help... I feel I am being robbed of the right to be a good wife and person...I don't want to take his comfort if that is what it is... But I do not think I can manage this starvation for affection/romance/sexual expression. I have crossed from sad to depressed... this makes me scared that I was tricked into leaving all my world behind for something that was misrepresented. He is a good man, but often...ADD and his other needs....he sees only himself. I need practical advise please. I am solution prone. Thank you so much. We are going to the doctor tomorrow (he promised over 1 and 1/2 year ago) bc he gets so many infections and now can't hold it much when he wants to and his erections, even when he got them would go away. So medical issues might be there. But I am still confused bc his explanations do not clarify if this is a babying thing, a comfort thing, or/and medical bc he has lived with so much shame about it...is like he changes stories to fit what he things you want to hear (all I want is to understand and be part of a life I also can love)... Is like... having had so much shame, that is more comfortable that building a good life with someone willing to accept him...but also needing to count. Do I make sense? I hope so.
 

EPO1

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Elisem

I am truly sorry!
As unfortunate as it may sounds, there is only once piece of healthy advice I can give you: DIVORCE... get the hell out of there.

It does sound harsh, of that I am aware - but he treats you really without respect - and disregards your needs, all the while though you have been pretty accepting.
That is NOT how love and a relationship works.

If you are in your 30s - you've got a lot ahead of you... just ask yourself - and I guess you already have - if this is how you'd like to spent a good part of your life?
I believe the answer is "no".

Honestly, you can try to seek open dialog, you can try couples therapy, it might be worth a shot, IF YOU LOVE HIM - and if HE LOVES you.. (I doubt the latter from what you write).

I so far am in a loving relationship, going on for 12 years... and we both have out kinks, quirks, needs and we have our disagreeable moments ;)
But we both would give our lives for the other... she's my family, she's my love .. .and there's nothing I wouldn't really do for her. And that is true for the both of us.
I'm Incontinent, so I had to bring incontinence supplies (Diapers, pads) into the relationship - but I am VERY mindful of NEVER leaving supplies around - being VERY clean... keep in good physical shape... I never just wear diapers (I don't desire to do so...)... and I guess it is being appreciated. Anything less I personally would consider disrespectful.

Again, you didn't marry to become his caregiver - you didn't marry into a life of servitude. you are a FREE WOMEN... so choose wisely ;)
 

Oranges

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First, you say you're depressed. Depression is a serious problem that needs intervention as soon as possible. Take care of yourself, first, before you worry about him. A doctor or therapist can help you with that. Please don't allow that to linger while you resolve other things!

Second, it sounds to me like diapers are a small part of a much larger problem. It seems to me that your husband isn't addressing the executive/cognitive problems that come with his diagnosis of AD/HD. AD/HD makes life very, very difficult. Priorities can shift on a daily basis, and thoughts are constantly running through your head. Sometimes you "make things up" because information you were supposed to know hasn't been committed to memory. Structure is nearly non-existant. Organizing the day takes up a good amount of time and daily energy. I could go on, but I'd hope you'd check somewhere like CHADD if you want more information - see the link at the bottom of this paragraph.

Most importantly, I'm explaining this stuff because while *having* AD/HD does not absolve your husband of responsibility, it makes it very difficult for him to *be* responsible. If he can't handle his life normally, then he won't be able to handle a life with someone else, either - trust me! That's probably a big part of why he seems to only see himself, too, and makes what seem to be pretty poor decisions. Treatment options are widely available in most cases, and many people do fine with just regular therapy.

Please understand that being married to - or even just in a long-term relationship with - someone with AD/HD isn't easy. It often requires you to be a "coach" of sorts, which means having extreme patience and flexibility. That doesn't mean you cease being lovers, in fact, it can make the bond much stronger. Sadly, these marriages often end in divorce because the demands placed on partners are extraordinary. In the end, only he can decide if he loves you enough to seek treatment, though, and if he does, you might want to take on that role to some degree. If he doesn't do that, well... how long do you think you'll last in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs?

Here's a very good resource for you. The domain name is a little silly, but it's CHADD, and they are a trusted source of scientific information about AD/HD: What is ADHD or ADD?

ps. If you're wondering how I know this stuff, it's because I have AD/HD. i'm 30 years old, and my first diagnosis was at 10 years old. 20 years and a lot of therapy later, I understand how my brain works, and now I work with it instead of against it. That meant learning strategies for university workloads, managing money, and controlling impulsive decision-making. It also meant learning to basically rely on a smartphone that beeps at me to remind me to be places & do important things, and have my partner - who is a very, very patient person - be my "coach". Mind you, she knew what she was getting into - diapers and all. :)
 

Jbradshaw90

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Look I'm gonna have to agree with them but right now the diapers sound like a major problem but I wouldn't make him get rid of them but sit down and talk to him y'all need to sit down with a doctor also but the reason why I'm telling you this is cause I'm high functioning autistic and possibly AD/HD too but I've lived with my brain since I was born so I know how to cope with it but I hope this helps
 

dogboy

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I think you need to give your husband an ultimatum, ADHD or not. He needs to be fair to you, and split his diaper time in half. Part of the week he can be attentive to his diaper needs, and half, to you. If he can't give you that, I would be looking for the door.
 

Elisem

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Thank you so much...You are right. I know he loves me and he wants to love me way better than he does but it is as if a third creature (ADHD) kept getting in between our communications. He has started medication, which seems to have addressed the H of the ADHD so I can actually get him to stop bouncing. I am not one to quit on people,...I believe in walking in the light and knowing at the end that I can face myself but I also know people need fuel,...I need fuel. We are going to the Urologist today and I am going to ask that we find a new ADHD counselor...his simply throws the meds at him but is not working on his strategies. I need practical changes so I can have time to focus on my own self, and hopefully he can make room for them (my needs) too. You guys who use diapers... what is reasonable to ask for if a medical issue is not revealed? I have up to now asked for: -night time, -put them on after we both know we are going to sleep so as to give us a chance to snuggle -the clean way. When you say, for example, half the week.... how do you guys break that down? I know this is not the best right now, but I do also know people throw people away too easily. I need to take up this challenge with the heart and will power god, or whomever, has given me. What I am at a loss for is stepping stones... as you watch the successful steps your mates have made, and yours... I am getting that doctor is first, then ADHD treatment,.... I don't think ultimatums work,...but I can tell him what I can live with and what I cannot.

One last question (sorry, but your words are so important to me).... Coach...I can be a great coach...it fits my personality and even job training... but it slides easily into parenting,...which i spend too much time saying no to... I know there are no magical pills, but .... is there a way to help him understand how much more sexier, and healthier is for him to be my equal. I am not big, but I have a lot of heart, if he stands by my side we can tackle anything... but he is too big to plain carry. You know?

Ty so much for your words and the links! Going to read them. Happy new year to you all also.
 

Pulluplover

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What a complex situation. I am a 44yr old with ADHD and a Diaper lover. I revealed to my wife maybe 3 months ago or so. She is turned off by diapers. We have no formal boundaries, but given she is not excited about them(made worse by having one child in diapers still), unless something changes I leave them out of the bedroom and sex for respect of her. I did wear when sick recently to bed, but otherwise it is when she is not around, or when I go to work and she is not around. I do want to wear more at night, and plan to ask if it is ok a few nights of the week, which I think she will be ok with. Bottom line is if she is not comfortable with diapers, I have to respect that and limit anything that makes her uncomfortable. Its MY fetish not hers. What if she was in to say....hot wax? I would definitely pass!

I think your requests are perfectly reasonable. And as I do he can wear at work during the day, clean up at home before you snuggle. As far as ADHD, I don't believe in pills as they will change who he is and you may not like the results. As you get older ADHD becomes easier to deal with. My wife thinks diapers are sometimes a barrier between us, which is not true, so I have had to prove that they are not. If he loves you, he will work to do the same as well as realize the ADHD has certain benefits and consequences he must work with.
 

Adventurer

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Elisem, you were very kind to allow your husband his diapers. You stepped outside your comfort zone to make him happy. The problem is that he hasn't done the same for you.

You and him both need to be happy. Maybe not getting everything you want, but you need to be listened to and respected. So he needs to respect your needs and feelings. You're right to be unhappy because he's treating you very thoughtlessly.

I think the only way to get him to listen is with honesty. Tell him exactly what you told us, and how hard it is for you. If he loves you, that'll get him to listen. Recognize that ADHD will make this challenging, but not impossible. Getting new strategies is a good idea. But in the end, he has to be the one to change.

Telling him exactly how you feel and seeing him response will tell you lots. If he loves you more than he loves diapers, he will agree to reduce his use and be more considerate (with medical help if needed). You have a right to happiness. Shown him how much this is hurting you, and if he cares, he will sit up and take notice.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. I hope it works out!
 

Calico

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I don't even understand why diaper are even a problem. When you guys have sex, he can just take the diaper off and put on boxers and lie in bed with you. They are just diapers and a form of underwear. I don't even need to be turned on by men in boxers to stand my husband being in them so why are diapers any different?

Let's hope he doesn't need diapers for sex or that would be a big problem and none of us choose what turns us on and without it, the sex is horrible and not enjoyable.
 

WABX

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Elisem nothing going to change leave now for your own good. Depression is a killer if you stay in it too long.
 

Beloney

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Hi Elisem, this is a complicated thing. I have been married 20 years. Your going to get lots of advice some will be good and will work for you, some wont. I'm ADHD and I would love to share with you my ups and downs. What works for one couple will not always work for another. Counselors don't know or understand a lot about this. But I can offer 20 years of relationship and experience to help you come to your own healthy conclusion for both of you! This is not something i can just type out. If you want to chat or need someone to talk to let me know. Also...... Think of all this advice and make no decisions now. Trust me.
 

giantguy99

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I bumped into this forum when I found the thread about practical aspects in marriage of diapers. I am the non wearer and I am not quite sure ...well..how to be. I am from Europe, so please forgive if I do not find the right English some times. My husband told me about them when we met. My response was "every human deserves to have comfort. If they give you that it is fine by me." I did ask for some things that would respect my comfort (and he agreed to them)...1- That my need for clean would be taken into account and he kept his intimate time with me clean (I mean clean smells etc...not clean as in pure or the such) 2- no lies 3- Bc we struggle to manage financially to please not be wasteful 4- Please keep it to his private times as he always had (meaning not to work or the such...the potential consequences are too scary). So he wears them every night and said he never before felt so loved or understood.... but from the start things unraveled: He left things for me to clean. He hid soiled diapers so I could never get rid of the smell. He ordered his boxes before checking if we had the money (He has severe ADHD and it has fallen on me to handle finances...Oh...it is not about asking permission but giving me heads up so I don't have bills bounce.... But here is my biggest problem...I came here for love...and our sex life has died. As long as he has the diapers he is satisfied. Happy to show what he says is his beautiful European wife to others, but home, I swear I feel I am starving to death. I come from a touching culture...all my people are an ocean away... but as long as he has his thing.... I am having a hard time thinking that in my 30s, my life as a sexual being is over. I am not the cheating sort. He feels sad for me, but his ADHD fuel his distraction and I have become invisible. So, I am starting to resent the diapers my heart was ready to understand because as long as he has that comfort I am as good as see-through. What can I say to him? How can I reach him? I have even let him diaper me hoping that that would ignite his spark (though it rubbed way close to my self-esteem particularly since he was satisfied, told me how loved he felt, and went back to forgetting about me in a blink....so I have to be honest...his response...after what to me felt like taking a big risk felt...or left me feeling some humiliation). Please help... I feel I am being robbed of the right to be a good wife and person...I don't want to take his comfort if that is what it is... But I do not think I can manage this starvation for affection/romance/sexual expression. I have crossed from sad to depressed... this makes me scared that I was tricked into leaving all my world behind for something that was misrepresented. He is a good man, but often...ADD and his other needs....he sees only himself. I need practical advise please. I am solution prone. Thank you so much. We are going to the doctor tomorrow (he promised over 1 and 1/2 year ago) bc he gets so many infections and now can't hold it much when he wants to and his erections, even when he got them would go away. So medical issues might be there. But I am still confused bc his explanations do not clarify if this is a babying thing, a comfort thing, or/and medical bc he has lived with so much shame about it...is like he changes stories to fit what he things you want to hear (all I want is to understand and be part of a life I also can love)... Is like... having had so much shame, that is more comfortable that building a good life with someone willing to accept him...but also needing to count. Do I make sense? I hope so.

Elisem, you were very kind to allow your husband his diapers. You stepped outside your comfort zone to make him happy. The problem is that he hasn't done the same for you.

You and him both need to be happy. Maybe not getting everything you want, but you need to be listened to and respected. So he needs to respect your needs and feelings. You're right to be unhappy because he's treating you very thoughtlessly.

I think the only way to get him to listen is with honesty. Tell him exactly what you told us, and how hard it is for you. If he loves you, that'll get him to listen. Recognize that ADHD will make this challenging, but not impossible. Getting new strategies is a good idea. But in the end, he has to be the one to change.

Telling him exactly how you feel and seeing him response will tell you lots. If he loves you more than he loves diapers, he will agree to reduce his use and be more considerate (with medical help if needed). You have a right to happiness. Shown him how much this is hurting you, and if he cares, he will sit up and take notice.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. I hope it works out!


I would recommend only one other thing along with what Adventurer said. I would suggest seeing a marriage councilor for your marriage and a therapist for your Depression. Depending on how things go your husband will either change or he will not and you would have to leave him. A marriage councilor and a therapist can help you figure out what you should do. and always remember you have a right to be happy but there might be a chance to salvage this marriage so don't just give up on it yet.
 

Oranges

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Hi Elisem,

I assume you were thanking all of us, so I'll say "you're welcome" for whatever part of my opinion was helpful! I appreciate your taking the time to read it - it's nice to be able to offer constructive suggestions and know that they mean something. I'll split my response into chunks, OK?

AD/HD is a funny thing like that - it is very easy for it to become out of control, and ruin lives and relationships. The most supportive thing you can do is take care of yourself *and* support him in ways that are reasonable for both of you. Bear in mind that relationships of any kind are, fundamentally, made of compromises - he will have to make room for your needs if he expects support from you. "Hopefully [he can make room for my needs ...]" is not the phrase I would use here. He absolutely must make room for your needs, or the relationship is going to end up fundamentally broken. If there's no compromise, one of you is losing out big time, and that's not fun - and is potentially quite damaging because it changes your expectations about any future relationships you might have.

About medication, I have taken methylphenidate for AD/HD for the better part of 20 years, but I can confirm from personal experience that it absolutely does not work alone! Pharmaceuticals are not magic, they are tools - tools people use together with other tools, like time management and financial planning, to build a better life! Medications alone may help someone, but consider that they are one part of a bigger AD/HD toolbox. To use a fun analogy, you could build a bookcase with just screws and wood, right? But... that bookcase will hold together a lot better if you use proper woodworking techniques, glue the shelves, drill pilot holes for the screws, and so on. It's a lot more work, but you get a much more durable product. Like the bookcase, he must put the time and energy into his therapy to make it work well.

I think your needs are reasonable. He will probably respond well (as many AD/HD'ers do - so there is hope!) to some limited structure that comes with some way to satisfy his other needs. Your idea of "let's cuddle first, and then I'll diaper you" (I think you were implying that, because you said you had no problem engaging with his fetish in your first post) is reasonable. Explain honestly why you'd like that to him. I don't think a time-based thing is a reasonable idea, because needs don't work on a schedule, but that's just me.

I agree with you about ultimatums. I don't think delivering ultimatums will do anything except make things worse. Think about it for a moment, when you tell someone what they need to do to make you happy, you're making your happiness depend upon someone else's actions! More importantly, you're separating yourself from responsibility for your own happiness when you do that - turning "I need..." into "YOU need to...". Personally, I think that's incredibly unhealthy, and a surefire marker of low self-esteem.

Hm, what next? Oh yeah, 'coaching' isn't like parenting. You can think of it more as 'supporting' if you like, and it's a more realistic word to use anyway. In the case of AD/HD, support means sometimes doing a lot more than you'd expect, but it never ever ever everrrrr (sorry, my inner little comes out when I repeat words :]) means taking responsibility for someone else's actions. He's definitely too big to carry, and it's not your job to do that. As a partner, though, your part of the equation is to do the best you can to support him while your needs are also being met. If there's a theme in what I'm saying here, it's that compromise is king.

I'm glad you're reading the information I linked to you. It will help you, even if all it does is give you a better understanding of how people with AD/HD work.

HTH,
Oranges
 

LilCoyote

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Hi Elisem.
I have suffered from bouts of depression all my life. One thing I have learned is to not make any life changing decisions when in this state. Depression can cause us not to be able to analyze situations properly. As others have suggested, work with a therapist. A good one will not tell you what to do, but will give you the tools and the help you need to deal with the depression.

Once the depression is under control, you can then work on your marriage. I wish you well.
 

Calico

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What does diapers have to do with ADHD or is this about him buying them without seeing how much money they have in their account first?
 

Oranges

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What does diapers have to do with ADHD or is this about him buying them without seeing how much money they have in their account first?

Along with your latter point, the OP's posts outline how AD/HD is interfering with their marriage, and how his enjoyment of diapers has become a focal point for that interference. In my opinion, the problem is not the diapers, as has been stated, but that in regarding both AB/DL issues and their marriage "[...] it is as if a third creature (ADHD) kept getting in between our communications."
 

Babybike2

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.... But here is my biggest problem...I came here for love...and our sex life has died. As long as he has the diapers he is satisfied. Happy to show what he says is his beautiful European wife to others, but home, I swear I feel I am starving to death. I come from a touching culture...all my people are an ocean away... but as long as he has his thing.... I am having a hard time thinking that in my 30s, my life as a sexual being is over.

Elisem - In my opinion, your husband's problem is not with diapers per say, but with selfishness. He seems to think that marriage is all about his needs and desires and has forgotten that it is a two way street. Selfishness tends to be a problem with us AB/DL's. After all, we desire to return to that time when we were actually the center of our parents' universe. The problem is, your husband has forgotten that although his greatest needs may be met in his diaper fantasy, his greatest fulfillment is met in meeting your needs! That is the beauty of marriage - the two become "one flesh" and the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

I think your husband should get some counseling. It sounds like you could use some help with your depression as well. It would also probably be wise for the two of you to see a marriage counselor. This can be costly, but marriage is precious thing and it will be worth all the effort it takes to make it work.

By the way, I'm seriously impressed with your willingness and openness to accept this aspect of your husband's life within reasonable boundaries. Having a good marriage is tough enough, and adding a diaper kink can make it even more challenging. But, there are many of us here who have achieved a healthy balance. I sincerely hope your husband will make the effort to grow up and participate in your marriage. I wish you the best and please remember we are here for you.
 
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MetalMann

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I just need to throw this in here... Some of us aren't sexual without diapers. Some of us aren't sexual at all. You could try to look into other things to do with him as well. Experiment is all I can say.

You can sit down and talk to him explain your needs and your desires.
Your partnership has 2 people involved. You did your part and now he needs to fulfill his part.
 

dogboy

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In response to your question about splitting time, I go to bed diapered two or three time a week, and non diapered the other nights. I may be diapered on Saturdays, my day off until recently, or non diapered, depending on what I have to do. It's not exclusive to my life or lifestyle, but a part of it. I'm lucky in that my wife accepts me. She bought me some footed pajamas for Christmas and a pair of shortalls, which I had asked for. We both make it work.

At the same time I respect who she is and her needs. That's how marriages should work. I do agree that counseling, or better counseling is in order for your marriage to survive.
 
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